Whirlwind

Have you ever been swept off your feet by the Lord? That's what it feels like for me this week. Undeserving and unsuspecting that I would be plucked from my comfort zone and taken for an incredible ride, witnessing God's work from the front lines of the battlefield.

Yet, there I was. Unprepared in so many ways and certainly not expecting to receive the war call. But it came and by His grace I answered. He took me to my neighbors house as she struggled to even find value in the next breath she drew in, wrenched with deep and searing family pain. He took me to another neighbor's house to share the deception of a false gospel. He confronted false teachers with the truth of their lies. He comforted children facing chaos and fear.

When the whirlwind slowed, I was revitalized in a way I can barely describe. Matthew 28:19-20 says, "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." In our kids ministry, we've been talking about Nehemiah. His passion for the people and for the mission God gave him along with the current events in my own life has given me a sense of duty - a call if you will. I have a piece of the wall to protect. My home, my neighborhood is a piece of the wall. If I will answer the call to simply surrender to His will and plan for all He has in the works, then I get a glimpse of His glory! That is an incredible prize to say the least!

So God has lit a fire of faith in me. It's hard to imagine that I've left the walls of my neighborhood broken down for so long...rarely sharing with a neighbor and I can't recall one time when I've taken the gospel door to door. I have put up fliers for a prayer hotline (via email), but that was it. A prayer box in the front office received the occasional prayer request, but went by the wayside. So now, people on a mission with false gospels in various forms have taken to knocking on my neighbors' doors. They're spending time, money and effort to share lies with my neighbors. What am I going to do? Am I willing to defend my piece of the wall from the wolves? Am I willing to stand post, sacrifice a little to make sure His Name is proclaimed and people have the chance at eternal life?

Yet, I'm admitting fear. I'm scared at what this will bring. I am prone to major failures following "spiritual highs" like this. And when you're in the Lord's army, you become a target for the enemy. I can literally feel the crosshairs on me. I'm also acutely aware of my flesh. I am a depraved person with a fallen nature that more often than not gets the better of me. It's only by His grace I can manage any sense of goodness. I'm scared for what that means. My friends have given accolades in abundance for these recent victories. People are applauding me. And I feel it...that demon of pride lurking in the shadows of my heart, ready to rear its ugly head and take the glory for what God has done through me. It's awful.

But my hope goes back to Psalm 91:

¹ He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. ^a]">[a]

² I will say ^b]">[b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

³ Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

¹⁰ then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

¹³ You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

¹⁵ He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

¹⁶ With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

But my hope goes back to Psalm 91: It's in His protective arms that I can find refuge and rest. And when I'm weary from the battle, it's Christ in whom I find comfort and solace. He bids me "come". And I can only keep begging for humility in the midst of showers of praise. I can only ask that He keep me acutely aware of my own shortcomings and inadequacies. My constant prayer...please Lord, let me decrease that You might increase. Protect me from the enemy prowling about and protect me from the enemy within.

Everything I'll Ever Need

I have not always been one to praise in the good times. I would certainly love to be that person who is so grateful in the midst of those times when everything is going right. But alas, I have a sin nature like the rest of us and I tend to be a bit more self-centered during the good times. So truthfully, I am grateful that the Lord allows "bad" things to happen so that I am more conscientious of my utter dependency on Him. In the weeks since my husband lost his job, I have found myself much more grateful than when everything was going according to MY plan. I have been grateful for our apartment - it is home after all. I have been grateful each week when we pay our bills that somehow the money pays them all and thus far, not one has been paid late. I have been grateful for my family and the food we eat. I'm grateful that the Lord shows me each and every day how well HE takes care of us.

God has really shown His tenderness and mercy toward us. He's provided for our bills (not all of which I consider needs...there is still considerable debt to paid). He's made it so we can continue our healthcare. He's blessed our efforts to minimize, conserve, and sell. He's even thrown in a gift from a person who bought our freezer. He has made it impossible for me not to see how worthy He is of my trust and adoration. He's taking care of us each and every day! We have nothing to worry about.

It wasn't very many years ago when God lovingly taught me about who He was as my Father. Not ever having had an example of an earthly father who took exceptional care of me, it was more than difficult to believe an intangible God could be one. But day after day, He would speak to my heart and show me how He was my Father. He would hold me when I cried my heart out over not having a husband. He would soothe my loneliness. He would send people who fixed my car, brought me groceries, and babysat my son. He provided a generous and flexible employer who was more than understanding about the demands of single parenting and sick kids. He made sure we could see doctors when we needed to. He made sure that friends were there to laugh with me, cry with me, get angry with me and even the best of friends who were sent to tell me the truth that sometimes I didn't want to hear. It wasn't a period of time that held nothing but perfection, but God did perfectly orchestrate life to win my heart. After about a year and a half of His patient and loving pursuit, I came to see Him as my wonderful, perfect, and everlasting Father. I knew I could trust Him and that He would always take care of me.

So now, in the midst of times when I don't know what tomorrow will hold, I know that it doesn't really matter what tomorrow brings. I have Him. Therefore, I have everything I'll ever need.

Speaking the Truth in Love

I find myself pondering the various Christian examples I have just witnessed on a show called Trading Spouses. The premise of the show - two families who are rather opposite, swap mothers for a week and at the end of the week each mom decides how $50,000 is spent on her surrogate family.

I have not been so disgusted with another person professing Christ in such a horrifying way in all my life. I watched one woman remain so rigid in her ways that she couldn't see the person as a created being with any value because she was too busy telling them how badly they "need religion" in their lives. (Those were her words.) She couldn't appreciate the person for who they were at all. Granted, we ought to be urgent in sharing Christ with the lost, but to make it so solemn and joyless - so rigid and lifeless of a thing, is it any wonder the person was less than receptive. Had the woman caught in adultery been brought to one of these women, they wouldn't have asked the crowd "the one with no sin be the first to cast a stone". These women would have been the first to pick up the stones and cast them "to set the example". It was horrifying to watch the opportunities to share the love of Christ, to share with these lost and dying people the reality of their desperate need for Him, to show them service and kindness and unconditional love....these women wasted it on rigid religiousness. They had mannerism the Pharisees would have been proud of.

To think that people who watch that show regularly get that kind of impression about Christian broke my heart too. Much of our culture thinks that winsome and Christianity are antonyms and not synonymous with each other at all. When someone welcomed Christ into their home, He wasn't ready to beat down each family member for their lack of faith. He joined them, taught them, ate with them, met them where they were.

Why do we not follow his example? Yes, the religiously proud hypocrites may need rebuking, but we must first ensure the Lord has shaped us to give that rebuke - that our hearts are humble and not proud. Otherwise, the condescension reveals our own wickedness rather clearly. God help us to maintain humility and see others with His sense of compassion and kindness. May we truly speak the truth in love and not just find reason to speak.

Irony

I am really struggling this week with anger, bitterness, an unforgiving heart, pride, and unbelief. All of it points to a huge lack of faith. I know the Lord is shaping my character through our recent trials, but I seem to be a less-then-teachable student in the last few days. I am having such a hard time with communication and it seems every time I stop to think about how to best communicate, I get so angry, I have to start all over and bite my tongue.

In a seeming contradiction to this struggle is a swell of gratitude in my heart for the Lord's presence. I can feel Him almost every bit of every day. His arms hold me so tight sometimes. I pray the hardness of my heart would soften under this touch. Listening to Beautiful Beautiful by Francesca Battistelli makes me think of how undeserving of His grace I really am, and that despite that still - He pours it out over me and I am so overwhelmed with His work in me. How can He be so tender?

OUR ADOPTION STORY

So just this past Friday, our family appeared in court to finalize the adoption of Jonathan. It's now official, Shea is Jonathan's daddy!

This carries so much emotional weight - much of which I didn't expect. We have been working through this process of paperwork, a home study, and waiting for so long, that the sudden arrival of the day gave me very little time to mentally and emotionally process this event before it happened - REALLY happened. But there we were on Friday morning - up at the court house. We were surrounded by a few of our precious friends: Melissa Williams and her three children (Drew, Gabe and baby Abby), Tandi Dawson and her daughter Serenity, and some folks from our church (Chris Norman and Kathy Dickinson). We stood before the judge, testifying what our wishes were and that we felt this was in Jonathan's best interests. Then he affirmed it and it became official - Shea was now Jonathan's dad! Our whole family is now the Wright family. No more blended family or different last names. We were even told we would be issued a new birth certificate that would list Shea as the father! How cool is that! :D

Afterward, the court gave Jonathan a stuffed toy - he picked a little dog. Shea and Jonathan donned their father and son Longhorns hats (embroidered for the occasion). And we snapped pictures! Then we went out to eat. It wasn't the big party we were hoping for, but we had to keep it cheap (that whole job-loss thing is still looming over our finances). But we enjoyed a family meal together and it was great!

As I headed back to work, I thought about something so special to me. God took something ugly and turned it into something beautiful. Part of me is angry that my son's biological father has abandoned him these last few years. Over time, he just quit seeing him. He acted as if being a parent only happens when it's convenient, which - for him - it never was convenient. (Parenting just isn't convenient - not for anyone!) In my heart, I believe the whole termination of rights / adoption thing for him was just about money. His actions were never all that "noble" when it came to Jonathan, so I hardly buy into the notion he really thought about Jonathan and what he needed. If he had thought that way, perhaps he would have been a father who was there instead of always having an excuse for not showing up.

It was ugly. It's just one of those ugly things in life. I made a horrible choice when I had sex outside of marriage. But God turned it into something so beautiful when he gave me my son. We had an ugly situation of a broken home and the whole "blended family" thing, and once again, God turned it into something beautiful when he answered our prayers.

Did I pray for my son's father to abandon him or reject him? Absolutely not! When my heart stirred with grave concern over the fact that if something happened to me, Jonathan's whole life would turn upside down, I began to think about adoption. If I died, Jonathan would not only have lost me, but he would also lose Shea, his home, his school and everything good and familiar to him. He'd be sent to a man who has demonstrated time and time again that Jonathan is too much of an inconvenience to him and his life. Oh how my heart weighed down so heavily at that thought. So Shea and I prayed about whether or not to approach Robert about terminating his rights so Shea could adopt him. Robert had brought it up a year or so before that, but the conversation stopped when I asked him why he wanted to end the relationship with his son. Would it be the right thing to pursue this ourselves?

As we prayed, we really felt no peace about pursuing the legal action. We concluded that we could not pursue shutting the door on this relationship. Whatever happened or didn't happen, we needed to leave it in God's hands and not take it into our own hands. Yet still, I was disturbed by the conflict of impressions on my heart and kept praying for God to help me resolve it. Why the burden to protect my son from the possible upheaval and yet no reasonable way to do so that God seemed to be in favor of? Then came the text message...

Yes, a text message. I received the text from Robert asking about termination and adoption. It opened up a conversation and this time, he wasn't really asking so much as he was telling me that's what he was going to do. He had met with an attorney and offered to pay for the entire process. So he did. He payed for it all - the court costs, the attorney fees, the home study - everything. It made me cry to think that money was so much more important to this man than his son, and that he was really going to sever the relationship forever. But I couldn't change Robert. And in the end, I simply saw this as God's answer to our prayers.

While Jonathan will still have to work through this issue at varying points throughout his lifetime, I know in my heart without a doubt, this was the right thing to do for him. I wonder about how this will affect Jonathan's testimony in life. Shea and I want to adopt other children and I wonder how Jonathan will be able to comfort and identify with those children because of this event. I wonder how God will use this to draw Jonathan to Himself. After all, each of us as believers are adopted by Him. How will God use this in our lives (Shea and me)?

It's amazing to think of the endless possibilities, but alas - we'll just have to wait and see how the story goes. This is our next chapter and we're excited at how the Lord has worked it so far. He really is a God who can make beauty rise from ashes! Thank you Lord for your Sovereignty and Wonderful works! I pray that you'll use this to draw each and every one of us closer to you!

An Exercise of Faith

It's hard to get my thoughts together on the events of the last 24 hours, but if you don't know this about me already - I'm an external processor! Which means, I work through things OUT LOUD. :D

Last night, my husband called me up and gave me the news no wife wants to hear - "I've been let go." I would have to describe my reaction as "shell shock". I sat in silence, bombarded by the millions of thoughts suddenly racing through my mind, not one of them capable of formulating a supportive or encouraging response to my husband. I hung up the phone and began to pray, but my prayers wouldn't come any better than my thoughts. I reached for my phone, thinking one of my closest friends could speak a word to my heart and racing mind that would put me on track. But...none of them answered. So there I was, suddenly suffocating under the weight of my own anxiety and I did the one thing that comes naturally in that type of situation - I burst into tears.

Perhaps you're thinking that I was most concerned about what the checkbook would look like in the upcoming days and weeks, but I was only concerned about who would greet my husband at the door when he finally reached home. The person saturated in tears and panic wanted nothing more than to have a calm, godly reaction to this event and welcome her husband with open arms and a word of confidence and reassurance that he was still "the man"! But no such demeanor or words were coming to fruition.

So I kept praying...I kept telling God that I needed to be the kind of wife that would rush to her husband's side and tackle this thing together with prayer, encouragement and hope not in things seen, but hope in things unseen. I also sent out text messages to every person I could asking them to pray for me. By the time my husband came home, I had finished praying and joined my son in playing a video game in the living room. I was able to greet my husband with some encouragement, but I found that he was more of an encouragement to me. In our conversation, I broke and went from discussing details, to asking him just to reassure me. My Knight came to my side, put his arms around me, looked into my eyes and said, "Shannon, it's going to be okay."

And it will. God is bigger than our checkbook, bigger than our anxieties and our shortcomings. He's going to do something really great in our lives with this. We will be molded and shaped into His likeness in ways we couldn't otherwise have experienced. For that, regardless of financial worries and woes, we will praise Him. We will count our blessings and learn to exercise our faith in new and deeper ways!

The AntiChrist

I find it interesting that so many Presidents of the United States of America have been accused of being the AntiChrist - the latest? President Barack Obama. Sure...he's not my favorite President by any stretch of the imagination, but the AntiChrist? No. I don't believe he's the AntiChrist.

I found this list of characteristics to be helpful in evaluating such a question...so perhaps it will be helpful to you too...in case you're convinced that Obama is the anti-christ too!

Taken from Eads Home Ministries – http://www.eadshome.com/

1. He comes from among ten kings in the restored Roman Empire; his authority will have similarities to the ancient Babylonians, Persians, and Greeks [Daniel 7:24; Rev 13:2 / Daniel 7:7]

2. He will subdue three kings [Daniel 7:8, 24]

3. He is different from the other kings [Daniel 7:24]

4. He will rise from obscurity…a “little horn” [Daniel 7:8]

5. He will speak boastfully [Daniel 7:8; Rev 13:5]

6. He will blaspheme God, [Daniel 7:25; 11:36; Rev 13:5] slandering His Name, dwelling place, and departed Christians and Old Testament saints [Rev 13:6]

7. He will oppress the saints and be successful for 3 ½ years [Daniel 7:25; Rev 13:7]

8. He will try to change the calendar, perhaps to define a new era, related to himself [Daniel 7:25]

9. He will try to change the laws, perhaps to gain an advantage for his new kingdom and era
[Dan 7:25]

10. He will not be succeeded by another earthly ruler, but by Christ [Daniel 7:26-27]

11. He will confirm a covenant with “many”, i.e. the Jewish people [Daniel 9:27]
This covenant will likely involve the establishment of a Jewish Temple in Jerusalem
[see Dan 9:27; Matt 24:15]

12. He will put an end to Jewish sacrifice and offerings after 3 ½ years and will set up an abomination to God in the Temple [Daniel 9:27, Matthew 24:15]

13. He will not answer to a higher earthly authority; “He will do as he pleases”[Daniel 11:36]

14. He will show no regard for the religion of his ancestors [Daniel 11:37]

15. He will not believe in any god at all [except for himself] [Daniel 11:37]

16. He will have "no regard for the desire of women": He will either be asexual or homosexual
[Dan 11:37]

17. He will claim to be greater than any god [Daniel 11:37; 2 Thess 2:4]

18. He will claim to be God [2 Thessalonians 2:4]

19. He will only honor a “god” of the military. His whole focus and attention will be on his military. He will conquer lands and distribute them [Daniel 11:39-44]

20. His arrival on the world scene will be accompanied by miracles, signs and wonders [2 Thess 2:9]

21. Either he, or his companion [The False Prophet], will claim to be Christ [Matt 24:21-28]

22. He will claim that Jesus did not come in the flesh, or that Jesus did not rise bodily from the grave [2 John 7]. He will deny that Jesus is the Messiah [I John 2:22]

23. He will be worshipped by many people [Rev. 13:8]

24. He will hate a nation that initially will have some control over his kingdom, but he will destroy this nation [Rev 17:16-18]

25. He will appear to survive a fatal injury [Rev. 13:3; 17:8]

26. His name will be related to the number six hundred and sixty six—but not necessarily in an obvious fashion [Rev 13:17-18].

27. He will be empowered by the devil himself [Rev. 13:2]

His Mercies are New Every Morning

The bible says that His mercies are new every morning...well...it's morning and once again, I am in need of new mercies. I'm pretty beaten up by the enemy of flesh - to the point my heart is cool and hardened. I need a spiritual revival...a surge of feeling the reality of my relationship with Jesus Christ. I realize that feelings are not the basis of that relationship. The basis is pure faith. Choosing to live as though the bible were true regardless of circumstances, emotions or cultural trends. So where is the strength? Where is the lifting up from the miry clay? It has not happened yet. I'm still sitting in the mud - only now I'm fully aware of sitting in the mud.

I feel like the prodigal son. It's the morning in which he awoke to the smell of the pig sty. Famished for the days gone by in his father's house where he ate real food, wore clothes fitting of his status as a prince, and celebrated life in the presence of the king. The memories flooding his mind at that moment were a far and distant cry from the filth and depravity in which he found himself laying that morning. Then there was a moment of decision. In that moment the prodigal overcame the fear of failing again...the fear of rejection...the fear that had to have gripped his heart at the thought of trying to return after all he'd done. How that moment must have felt, when the chains fell off and he began to walk. Perhaps just barely able to put one foot in front of the other each step of the way - I don't know. But he eventually arrived. And before he had come the full distance, his father ran to meet him. RAN! A man of the king's status would never been seen running. But he ran to greet this wayward, filthy, derelict son and embraced him. The king covered his son with fine linen and ordered a huge celebration for this son's return.

The bible says that heaven rejoices more over one repentant sinner than 99 who need not repent. So why am I having such a hard time with repentance? I know by faith my Father will not reject me, but rather embrace me and rejoice over my return. Have I not sunk low enough to really want out of my sin? I often think that is the case. Have I not binged enough, been prideful enough, suffered enough consequences for my sin to find its death no longer appealing to me?

I used to learn all my lessons the hard way. I used to run as far as I could until the pain was so stifling I thought I would die if I wasn't rescued. It was such a melodramatic way to live my life and I hated it. It was so unnecessary. I do not see any sense in getting all the way down the road in order to realize that I am on the wrong path. As soon as I know I am going the wrong way - THAT should be the point at which I long to be rescued. THAT is when I turn and go the right way. What is so complicated about doing that?I seem to be stuck in the old pattern of behavior though. "I haven't fallen far enough or hard enough to warrant turning." But that is a lie...a dirty, stinking, rotten lie from the pit of hell trying to keep me from life and life abundantly lived.

So Lord, please rescue me. Soften my heart and lead me to repentance. I can't seem to find my way on my own. I don't have it in me to repent, so please send your Spirit to revive me. Awaken all that I have squelched and darkened with my disobedience and bring me back to life! I love you Lord. I am in desperate need of your mercies this morning. Please don't look at my wretchedness, but look on me through the blood of your Son who has redeemed me for your sake! Amen.

Reflecting on a Heavy Heart

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything other than relaying my trip to Oregon. So now I figured it was time to expose my heart a bit. It’s not my usual spiritual breakthrough that has prompted me to write, but rather my desert wandering that has put me in a reflective mood.

I’m so thirsty I can hardly stand it. I’m so dry and weary in a spiritual sense that everything seems to sap the life out of me. My food addiction has taken on new levels of ravenous binging and my TV watching steals away hours of precious time while my heart grows weaker. This is the perfect time to stop, repent and regroup. However, I find myself dealing with another old enemy of mine. It’s a monster that encompasses apathy, pride, self-centeredness, and unbelief. It whispers how needless repentance is and how my sin is minor and unworthy of note. It beckons me to lie down in laziness and forgo the fight to put myself back in right standing with the Lord. Then it tells me that I’m not worthy to be right before the Lord and that it would take too much effort to get there…effort that is fruitless and in vain so “why bother?”. It’s a horrible beast within me that I have come against countless times in my walk with Christ.

So here I am, at the threshold of decision – to fight or lay down in defeat. It’s easier to accept defeat, but only for a moment. The pain and agony of death swallows life whole and leaves nothing but emptiness behind. Fighting leaves its scars as well, but the promise is life and life abundantly. The promise is that I will never be left or forsaken, never alone. The promise is that it is not me who fights, but a perfect Victor who has already won the battle – it is He who fights for me. It is He who triumphs over the evil taking me hostage and binding me in chains of addiction and sin.

So, without the will, the belief, or the strength to move myself, I submit to Grace. I can’t fix what I’ve done. I can’t take it back. I can’t make up for it by bashing myself or berating myself into obedience. I simply submit to Grace. Unmerited, unearned, undeserved Grace that covers my sin and allows me to stand whole and perfect as Christ Himself before the Almighty Father. With a heart that begs I will not travel this road again. With a heart that is in awe of a love that seeks such a wretched outcast as me. Why does He do it? I will never fully understand it, but I do believe that much.

I believe the words of the gospel of Jesus Christ – that He came to seek and save that which is lost…and I am certainly lost. I’m a sheep that has lost my way from my Shepherd. What a glorious day to be rescued.

My Fantastic-Wish-It-Wasn't-Over Vacation!

So my vacation was so incredibly busy, that I didn’t stop to “twitter” as much as I thought I would…hence, I have a really long blog to let you all in on the wonderful time I had traveling to, staying in and coming home from Oregon! Hopefully you’ll enjoy reading it because I sure enjoyed remembering it!

I left out on June 26th…Max was tied in his doggie booster seat in the front passenger seat. Jonathan was in the back seat with his DVD player and box of activities. The cooler was loaded with water and snacks and music was at my fingertips. It seemed to take almost the whole first day to get out of Texas! LOL The excitement was definitely electrifying. :D We arrived in Albuquerque without a hitch, and our hotel room was wonderful. We checked in, got a good night’s rest and left for Las Vegas the next morning. The second day was the shortest portion of the trek cross country, but I mistakenly booked a hotel in Vegas that was not pet-friendly. Without the ability to move that on the way to Oregon, I was stuck with limited options – hunt around for a pet-friendly hotel and spend money I knew I didn’t have, or sneak the dog into the hotel. I opted for the latter and the guilt was punishment enough that I really didn’t enjoy our luxurious accommodations! Huge, comfy room, gorgeous marble and glass bath, 52” HD TV, a great view of the city lights at night and several very yummy restaurants just downstairs. The next morning, we left in a chaotic, messy car that had it’s first major spill (coffee through my seat and all over the floorboard and a puppy mess in the back seat). It took me over an hour to get the car suitable for driving – though still in desperate need of shampooing and a more thorough cleaning! Then we headed out to our final destination – Grants Pass, OR! This last stretch was the longest, measuring 900 miles and over 12 solid hours of driving. We arrived in the early morning hours of Tuesday and despite being pretty tired, I was bubbling with joy!

On the drive over, much of the scenery was flat and barren. But I can still picture the skies of deep blue, the beauty of rolling hills, the wide variety of animals, the painted clouds, and majesty of the mountains and rock formations! It swelled my heart to see what God had made and it was wonderful to enjoy it with my son – even if we did have to sit in the car for hours on end, three days in a row to witness it all! :D

Upon arrival, I wasn’t able to see my brother because, fortunately for him and unfortunately in the timing, he was hired and started a new job the night we got there. So my beautiful sister-in-law let us in and we went to bed. A few hours later, I woke up (out of habit or excitement, I’m not sure), and called my mom to plan out our day. We decided against the river trip and opted for lunch, a movie and walking downtown instead. It was so great! We visited George’s and took in the nostalgia of their long-standing yummy popcorn. I marveled at all the shops up and down 6th street. Our last stop was the old time soda fountain for drinks and an ice cream. I could hardly believe it was still there! I loved that place as a kid! (I hardly went, but I really liked it when I did go!) We rounded out the day seeing Toy Story 3 in 3D. What a great first day at home!

Wednesday, I woke up more sore than I had been in I can’t remember how long. I couldn’t believe how sore all that driving made my body. I felt like I had done a million push-ups and I had knots in my calves the size of Texas! LOL I spent the morning with my friend Teri and her kids! Jonathan had a few lessons in how treat girls – which were sweet and funny! And I got to visit with Teri, catching up on all the wonderful things the Lord has been doing. It was blessing to see her sweet face and know, that despite the challenges of the past couple of years, she is still holding strong. I am so inspired by her!

After that, it was low key time with my brother Richard for a bit while we waited for my sister Brandy to get back from the Portland airport with my other brother Douglas, who had just flown home! When they arrived, it was the most incredible feeling to have all four of us walk in to Richard’s house at the same time. Looking around, I couldn’t believe how grown-up we were...how different we were and yet how familiar, warm and great it felt to be together again. The jokes, jab and jeers set in pitting brothers against sisters and we filled the late part of the afternoon with hanging out until Richard had to go to work! :D Later that night was the first night I got to see my littlest nephew! It was only for a few minutes and he was tired and ready for bed when we got there, but it great seeing him in person - even cuter than his pictures!!

Thursday, we hung out some more and I got to see my other niece and nephew - Kaylee and Shayne! Then that evening I went to a church meeting with my mom. It was that evening, that I marveled at the changes God has made in my mom over the past few years. He’s grown her, made her heart tender and created a friendship between the two of us that I now treasure beyond words. We were able to share a bit of the common struggle we share of food addiction. I regret I spent more time talking than listening; my heart was so excited, I think my mouth got a way from me a bit. Yet, the memory of sitting at the table, sharing with my mom is one of those precious moments, I will treasure for a long time.

Friday, I finally got to spend some substantial time with my brother Richard and spent the day hanging out with him and my nephew Landon! The few bits of time I had spent with Landon up to this point, he had been dealing with the changes in his little world – daddy’s all of sudden not around all day (because of the new job), daycare, and strange people are in his house that seem to want to invade his space, talk to and play with him all the time! LOL Poor little guy. It took him a while to warm up to us a bit. But on Friday, with my brother off from his new job, things were “back to normal” enough that Landon opened up a bit and we got to see more of his adorable, fun personality. Mind you, for those of you who don’t know my family, Landon is about 19 months old. He was entertaining us with his knowledge of all of the animal sounds – dog, cat, bear, elephant, tiger, sheep, ducks, chickens…it was so super cute! Then he showed us the “butt dance” and “spaz” – which, I’m sorry to say the following words won’t do them justice…you just have to experience them for yourself! LOL His butt dance is a very rhythmic little wiggle where he puts his hands on his bum, bends his knees and gives us a little dance! “Spaz” is a hilarious motion where my sweet nephew, on cue, widens his eyes, tenses up his little body and shakes like he’s stuck his finger in a light socket. I just about fell on the floor the first time my brother showed me the move! Landon loved entertaining us…well…as long as mom or dad was somewhere in sight!

The weekend at home was filled with shopping, cooking, cleaning and having family over for cookouts! Our family reunion was on Saturday…supposed to be around 12:30, most everyone arrived by 2:30/3pm LOL. We had some great burgers and hotdogs thanks to Richard! Yummy! I baked cupcakes and bought decorations, thinking I was going to have the kids decorate some of them, and I would do the rest. However, it ended up the kids decorated one each and the adults had a fantastic time decorating the rest! It was awesome! I saw my cousins Brian and Lori and my aunt Debbie and uncle Rich whom I haven’t seen in ages! Lori I hadn’t seen since my leave after bootcamp 11 some years ago! It was crazy to see everyone all grown up. My cousin Brian had a son about Jonathan’s age, so him, Jonathan and my nephew Shayne all got to play together. We hung out till early evening and then got to cleaning up – after all, we had a scheduled repeat of the same thing for the next day!

Sunday, for the 4th of July, my mom, Jonathan and I went to a church meeting held down at the Riverside Park. If I’m not mistaken, a couple of churches – maybe more – got together and held services down there. They had baptisms in the river. It was great! We sat at a picnic table near the playground and held a little family devotion for Jonathan’s benefit, then we cut him loose. Mom and I read through Romans 7 and 8 and talked about our struggle against the flesh and the victory through Christ. As we were heading out, I ran into one of my friends from our school days and her mom. Sarah and Janet Mathis were at the service that morning and it was great that I was able to pass along my gratitude for David (father and husband) when he was the youth pastor at the church in Wolf Creek when I was growing up. He was one of several people the Lord used in my life to bring me to Christ! And it was great to see Sarah with her lovely girls (and a baby on the way)!

I was so blessed to see so many friends while in Oregon: Teri, Sarah, Olivia, and Sierra! I got to catch up with them and see how lives had changed and people had grown! It makes me long to live in Oregon again – where I would be closer to all those I hold so dear in my heart!

But anyway…back to my chronology of events. So Sunday morning after church, we headed out to Sunny Valley with my cousins. We had a great time when we took all the kids to my uncle and aunt’s house. My sister and her whole family met us out there. We played in our old swimming hole down at the creek and I thought it was pretty funny to see my city-fied self and son march through the poison oak and brush trying to get to the swimming hole! All of us reminisced about all the times we went down there as kids…the blackberry picking…the hot summer days…the long gravel road…how we foolishly jumped from several spots along the creek that now loomed rather dangerous looking from our new grown-up perspective. It was awesome remembering the simplicity of life back then and it made me long even more to live there. My heart wants Jonathan to have those kinds of summer days – catching crawdads and playing in the creek, walking along the driveway picking blackberries….playing in the woods, watching out for rattle snakes and catching lizards. Ahhh…life really was simple back then.

We had lunch and toured my aunt and uncle’s house. The wood, being harvested straight from their property, was absolutely gorgeous and it was great to see how much they had done on their house since the last time we visited. Then we headed back to my brother Richard’s house, where we had Candace’s side of the family over. They drew a four square court and set up badminton outside! The guys made a new game out of running and sliding across over-sized exercise balls…hopefully I can post the video…it was seriously funny! :D My sister and I got to hang out and really talk for a long time that night. Eventually, I think we were told to quit talking and come enjoy the fireworks! Jonathan had a blast lighting them! It was so sweet of them to include him that way! The night rounded out with Guitar Hero and I had another perfect day of vacation!

Monday came and it was time to head to the coast! I couldn’t go back to Texas without seeing the ocean. And God made it so that my brother Richard and his wife Candace BOTH had the day off, so everyone except my sister and her family were able to go hang out in Brookings at Harris beach that day! On the way there, my well traveled puppy decided the road was a bit too winding for him, and he threw up on me…that was seriously gross! Just glad I had an extra shirt to wear and lots of baby wipes to use for cleanup! :D lol When we arrived, it was 70 degrees, a bit windy, and the most gorgeous blue skies we could have that day. Stepping onto the sand, the funniest site erupted. My dog Max who has never been on sand – EVER! – began to jump around like he was having a seizure, absolutely freaking out at the feel of the ground beneath his paws. I felt so bad for him, but I couldn’t pick him because I was doubled over laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe! Poor puppy! But no worries, the torture was short-lived and he got used to the sand and found driftwood to play fetch with!

We set our stuff down and headed to the water, where my insane brother Douglas dove straight into the arctic waves of icy, bone-chilling water. My barely recovering puppy was washed back up on the shore, and looked so sad, sopping wet and covered in sand. Jonathan wasn’t having any more of that kind of cold water and headed back to the warmer parts of the beach. After taking video of the breath-taking scenery, I settled into watching my son play soccer with some “big boys” on the beach and playing fetch with my now dried off, warmed up and settled in puppy! We didn’t stay too awfully long. The winds were pretty fierce and as majestic as the scenery is, sand gets into everything and that gets uncomfortable pretty quickly. So after the soccer game and a brief, unsuccessful meeting with a fellow Chihuahua, we packed up and headed into town for lunch. (That other chihuahua was the catalyst for Max to finally warm up to someone other than me, when my brother and Cassie – Candace’s sister, were his only refuge from the pursuing Chihuahua who wanted to play) – another funny moment to remember!

Oh…side note, my crazy brother Doug, also made an incredible short film as the star of “Which Sea Gull is going to eat my Chip?” He guessed wrong, and it was pretty funny to watch! And my other brother Richard got bird poo on the head…yes, we love our baby wipes!

We headed to Wild River pizza for lunch, where Jonathan exercised his leadership skills in schooling some fellow kids his age. After he had to leave their kids’ game of pool to eat his lunch, a couple of them came up to Jonathan and while I didn’t hear about the problem, Jonathan’s wise response was “Don’t tattle tale, just play nice together”. LOL

That night, I went to see my childhood friend – Sierra! I got to see and hold her new baby and talk for a long while. We reminisced about crazy nights where we snuck out to meet in the woods…just because we lived on neighboring hills…friends we had through the years and what everyone was doing and how we had changed or stayed the same. After that, we went to bed pretty tired and I got up the next day to my last day in Oregon. I couldn’t believe it had gone by so quickly. I did miss my husband, but I so could have stayed another week! (or more) I met Olivia at the park that morning and we had a good time catching up and playing with the kids! We even fed the various birds down by the river. That night we had an impromptu b-day dinner for my niece Kaylee!

It was so great seeing my sister’s kids and hanging out with them throughout the week! Shayne reminds me so much of Jonathan. He’s a lot more verbal, but has the same tender heart, the same love and energy for life and all things active. He is all boy and is very much an outdoor kind of kid! Kaylee is the shy, quiet one. She’s pretty girly, but definitely can hold her own with the boys. Very affectionate and eager to please. And I absolutely love shopping for her as the only girl in the family! She is my reason to buy pink!!! LOL I loved being with them and have resolved that at least letter writing and pictures will have to be frequent, so I can keep our families tied more closely than the past five years. If I can’t be the aunt Shannon living nearby who takes them to the movies, to the park and out shopping…then at least I can be a good pen-pal and send awesome gifts for Christmas and birthdays!

Overall, I can’t say enough great things about my trip. With exceptions unworthy of noting, every day was a perfect day. The cold crisp mornings, taking in the fresh air scented with pine trees and freshly cut Oregon grass, seeing deer just off the front patio, the endless greenery, the quaint shops and small town life all around me….the countless stars in heaven every night that weren’t drowned out by city lights. All of it was purely magnificent! Spending time with my family and seeing how friendships have formed over the years between siblings and parents…growth that has brought us a long way from the chaos and dysfunction of our pasts…healing the Lord has provided and continues to provide in amazing ways…the joys and wonders of being a part of this family that I hadn’t before appreciated with such depth and gratitude! I am in awe and already miss them all more than I can say. I’d give just about anything to go back or even move back, but I have a blessed life here in Texas that I love too. My life here is established and wonderful and filled to overflowing with graces from the Lord. So unless the Lord moves us, I’ll just have to make a point to visit home often and count myself among the few who can have so much in more than one place. I have a mountain of blessing here in Texas and another there in Oregon. I love you my dear family and precious friends! I’ll be back again soon – Lord willing! :D

Off Course

I am sure everyone feels this way at some point, but I am way off course. My head, my heart, my body...even the most steady part of me - my mind - is all off course. I could berate myself and list all of the little things I did wrong that landed me in the middle of no where instead of the plotted destination, but with me...it's just a matter of discipline. This year for me has been about discipline (or should I say, the lack thereof). My latest and greatest showing of it was managing to gain almost 20 pounds in 2 1/2 weeks. Wow. I usually only average 10lbs in a year. I doubled that in a matter of days. But that is what happens when you dive back into overeating.

When I think about it, I am not sure I ever realized how awful the effects of overeating were. My past overeating was not at every meal and was not as bad as it has been the last couple of weeks. Having seen it, it is shocking what it has done to my body in such a short time and how badly I feel. I have not felt this bad in at least 6 months.

But if I have figured anything out about discipline (which honestly I have not figured out much), I have realized that discipline only happens under God's grace. My legalism surged and thus surged my rebellion. I can only keep my tongue in check when God's grace is on my heart. Then the words I speak are of His grace and not my own wickedness. I know the same has to be true with this overeating venture. I have lost sight of His grace on me for the past month when it comes to exercise and eating...legalism set in and in the end, I rebelled by eating everything I could stuff my face with.

So here we go again...back to the foot of the cross to confess my sin and seek His grace. Without Him, I have no hope to turn my life around with respect to diet and exercise. Gluttony is a sin. Laziness is too! Recent events are a picture of how sin gives birth to death. Now to gain some respect for my Lord and be empowered by His grace.

A Marathon? Really?

I must be crazy! It's pretty surreal to think I'm really doing this...I'm training for a marathon!

Wow! So this week is only week 1...it's about being on my feet and walking a lot. I've gotten out of the habit of longs walks with my dogs, thus out of the habit of walking. So we're starting there with 30 minutes 3 times a week. Next week, I'll integrate interval jogging and swimming as well...it's an upward progression that gets me to running and then running longer and faster.

The event is the Big D Texas Marathon next April. It gives me 10 months to train, but even so, we're talking going from little exercise to running 26.2 miles in less than 6 hours (There is a cap to the marathon time). It's recommended a first time marathon runner train well for 4-6 months. Being where I am, I need the added 4 months to make sure I actually finish!

I've not really undertaken a lot of big goals in my life, but as I've incorporated discipline little by little, this is the first time I'm really thinking "this is not impossible". That's huge for me! I said I would get married...I'm married. I said I would be an Awana leader - I did it. I said I would do an at home bootcamp - I did. I'm still working at losing my excess weight, but slowly it is coming off. I said I would graduate from college - I just completed the Spring Term and even aced one of my finals with a score of 100. So I'm doing it. I'm making goals and keeping them. I'm failing some and getting back up, dusting myself off and pressing forward! And THAT is all anyone can do.

So here is my next goal - run a marathon. Lord help me, it is a daunting task, much like losing my excess weight and getting completely out of debt. But little by little, week by week - I'll get there and cross the finish line! The journey of a 1000 miles begins with the first step, right? :D

Mother's Day Reflection

It isn't every day us moms stop long enough to take a deep breath, much less, sit down to a computer and write out our deep thoughts about what it is that God somehow deemed us fit to parent His creations. But today, that's what I'm doing...well, at least it's my attempt.

I'm in absolute awe that God would look down into all the world and pick me of all people to mother my son, Jonathan. How in the world did He decide I would be the right one for the job of cultivating such a tender and sensitive heart? What made Him think I would know how to deal with his stubbornness and willfulness? Can I possibly direct that for the glory of God? Could He have ever thought I was capable of training up such a treasured child as Jonathan? These questions and others have often buzzed in my head with no certain and accepted answers in sight. Then I realize I'm coming at it from the wrong angle - how typical. It wasn't about me at all. Sure God chose me to be a mom, but it was out of grace - His unmerited favor and undeserved pardon. It was NOT because of some inate capabilities, skills or qualities. It was because of His Sovereign Grace!

Realizing that is rather humbling - far more humbling than the line of questioning that preceded the realization.

God has a masterful plan - one so detailed, intricate, delicate, and vast, it is incomprehensible! Yet, I am woven into the fabric of this masterpiece as a mom. Chosen to bear, responsible to train, and accountable to the overwhelming task of mothering Jonathan. Oh how impossible a task were it not for the same Grace that called me in the first place!

Mother's Day is but one day on some commercial calendar for the economic benefit of Hallmark and like companies, but every day is a day to remember what an honor and privilege and heavy responsibility motherhood really is! God's grace to each and every mom out there - in abundance!

Poem: Burden of My Heart

The burden of myheart grows heavy
It weighs my spirit down
This burden I cannot bear
It's chains are all around

I long to know its name
I wish it would rest
To lay it in another place
Oh I'd be so blessed

But I somehow carry on
without an end in sight
longing for a rescue
from the darkness of this plight

Yet a lesson to be learned
from each and every place
a road of teaching to travel
a journey about His grace

This burden of my heart grows heavy
I struggled to carry on
Darkness wraps me tightly
I pray to see the dawn

But in light of no reprieve
I settle in His arms
and ask again to realize
all my lack of charms

For what other reason
Would a loving God bring
a wilderness experience
a heart of suffering

Than to teach His precious child
the tenderness of Grace
to hold her in His arms
and look into her face

Reminding her of love
so deep and long and wide
that bears each bit of burden
when in Him she does abide

Yes, this burden of my heart grows heavy
Indeed the chains are long
But my God is mighty in power
My Savior is very strong

He'll overcome this heartache
He will see me through
To the other side of darkness
where skies are clear and blue

Where my burden will be lifted
My tears wiped clean away
Where the dark of the night
becomes the dawn of day

The burden of my heart grows heavy
It weighs my spirit down
But it will not have the victory
Because His love abounds

Practicing A Little Frugality

So I know I have NOT been practicing my frugal shopping habits for at least the last month. But I was inspired by an interview with the author of "Miserly Moms" - Jonni McCoy. So I decided since we had not done our grocery shopping yet, I would practice one of her tips that I had not done before. "Shop Loss Leaders".

Grocery stores put out ads each week that include a few items that they "lose money" on because they want you to come in and buy the rest of your grocery list at their store. I admit, I like my "one-stop shopping" mentality, but I decided to peruse the ads and see if I could create my meal plan around the loss leaders advertised in various stores. I have to say I was pretty impressed. With only one coupon, I bought almost two weeks worth of groceries for our family and spent $88.46. It's only Wednesday and I don't have to do any grocery shopping until Friday the 30th! :D

That is a huge savings compared to the $150.00 per week we have been spending on groceries. I can only imagine if I were to go back to collecting and clipping my coupons what I could save! :D Woo whooo! But for now, I'll take my $88.46 and be happy with it!

Abiding Trust

I don't think I ever realized how many things I have been holding to very tightly in my life until the Holy Spirit began to ask me to give them up. Now, I find my heart hurting as I seek to surrender these precious things to the Lord: being a stay at home mom, having my picture of a godly home, having my picture of a godly husband, and even just being free to speak what's on my mind.

It's not that I think the Lord is out to punish me or that he will not ever give these things back to me. Rather, it is like the story of the little girl who wanted some dime store pearls in the window of a little store. She saved and saved and finally bought them and they became her most prized possession. Then, when her daddy asked her to give them up to him, she struggles immensely. She offers up every other "precious" thing to him, where he kindly responds, 'No thank you. I love you.' Finally, she sits before him with huge tears and a broken heart and gives her father the dime store pearls - her act of saying 'I love you more than these.' Then, in exchange, he gives her a string of genuine pearls. But she didn't know he would do that...and I don't know if God will give me back the things I hold tightly to either. But I do know He will give me something genuine and far more precious than what I now think of as "genuine and precious".

'Dying to self' has a whole new dimension to it now. It's not "bad things" that God is asking me to surrender. He's asking me to give up "good things", "godly things", things that are not wrong to want...except when I want them more than God. I'm learning so much about my Father's jealousy. He will go to great lengths to be #1 in my heart. He will dive in deep with his skilled surgeon's hand and cut out those ugly parts of my heart - parts I didn't even realize were ugly. The whole process can only be accomplished by His supernatural work.

How very desperate I have become for His grace in these last few months! If there was ever a time in my life where I depended on Him more, it greatly pales in comparison to the desperation of today. How much I long to be close enough to Him that I stop feeling the fear and insecurity associated with all this change. How my flesh hates to be thwarted this way and how vulnerable I am to the attacks of Satan himself.

But in His infinite wisdom and faithfulness, God has rallied His body around me with words of wisdom and encouraging truth. There is purpose in the pain. He is good and Sovereign. He is PRESENT in the fire! He has already defeated my enemy. And as helpless and sometimes hopeless as it might seem - He is my help and my hope always! This season in my life is about deep, abiding trust. It's about trusting the hand that leads me when I'm not sure where we're going. It's about abiding when I'm not sure where we're going won't hurt - in fact, I'm pretty sure that it WILL hurt. At this point, here in the valley, I have to trust His heart, knowing He has promised a plan for my life that is for my good and His glory!

Is He Enough?

I was challenged with this question yesterday - "Is He enough?" It pierced my heart, because truthfully, I had to acknowledge that Jesus wasn't enough. I also wanted to stop having to endure my recent struggles. So my equation was no longer "Jesus", but "Jesus PLUS Pain Relief". It seems I had gotten my nose so close to my circumstances that I forgot to step back and admire God's tapestry in my life. I had become so anxious - even in my prayers - because I had forsaken gratitude. Caught up in the momentary, I had forgotten the eternal. I had erected an idol of Pain Relief in my life and the darkness that settled on my heart was scary and intensified the pain of my struggle to a breaking point. I walked into my counselor's office yesterday, for the first time I can remember in my Christian walk, without hope! How could I have lost my hope?

That is what happens when Jesus is not enough?

My hope had been removed from Christ and I put it in pain relief. I was tired of struggling. Tired of no end in sight to this particular trial. I was weary from the hurt my heart had to bear day in and day out. I would pray. I would read His word. I would pray some more. All the while, expecting that at some point, the pain would lessen - my "peace that surpasses all understanding" and my joy would overwhelm and dull the pain and make my circumstances less uncomfortable. But I was wrong. My prayers for relief went unanswered. My pleas for a pain-killer went unfulfilled. In all my wailing before the Lord, I had forgotten to stop and listen to His still small voice which was telling me that His grace was sufficient. So He asked me yesterday - "Am I enough?"

Psalm 23 begins "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want." What a picture of contentment! If He is my shepherd, my ever present help in time of need, my redeemer, my friend, my Emmanuel, then I shall not be in want. But if he's not enough, my heart suffers the dissatisfaction that always results from idolatry. So I had a choice to make - would I trust that He is enough?

Admittedly, I am in a place now where that "leap of faith" is a little scary. This layer of independence and pride has to be ripped from my heart if I'm going to put my trust in my Shepherd and Him alone. I don't want to endure pain or affliction, but to realize that my God would go to such great lengths to be closer to me, causes me to reconsider how I view recent trials. I realized, perhaps for the millionth time, that God is Good and God is Sovereign. He has a good and loving purpose for everything - including pain. All this follows closely on the heals of realizing that sanctification hurts...but even realizing that, I still wanted a "time out" from that painful sanctification to something - well - less painful! But now...now is the time when I choose my God over my pain and rejoice in the fellowship of His sufferings. Now is the time when I get to feel the depth and breadth of all of life - not just the feel good parts. And best of all - now is when I get to experience the very presence of my Creator. I get to stand in the fire with him and know that the dignity of my soul is protected even if life hurts - because in the end - He is enough!

Sanctification Hurts

Today is one of those heart-wrenching days. I have felt alone, isolated and abandoned for some time now. Each day I do my best to walk through my day with my head up and a joyful heart for all the Lord has blessed me with. And that list is long. But reality is - I'm still struggling. I feel like I'm slowly drowning beneath the weight of emotions and stress. I hate stressing about things I can't change and have no control over. But I do have a bittersweet appreciation for how those things push me to the foot of the cross. I can't change them, but it's the hard rocks in life that change us. It is those uncontrollable things that God wields to chisel away the hardness and impurity of our fallen hearts.

Boy is He chiseling me today!

I really wanted to vent my frustrations and pent up emotions to my husband. We are experiencing a lot of tension right now in our marriage and so much is going unsaid. But because I set out on a journey to allow God's Word to change my heart, I am holding fast to my tongue and to Ephesians 4:29 where it says "do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen". I cannot speak to benefit me, the speaker. Before I give my tongue the freedom to loose the words of my heart, I have to know that those words are for the benefit of the hearer. Being that I am not sure of that, I have chosen not to speak - at least not speak fully the things inside.

That is a real struggle for someone is who is used to saying what's on her mind. I usually work through things "out loud". But I know the Lord says not one carelessly spoken word will be forgotten. Yes, should I fail, my sin is certainly forgivable, but I do not want to cause more damage where healing is already desperately needed.

So I guess that is one reason for my blog. Certainly do not expect to read the inner workings of my heart at this moment - I won't be writing them in the coming lines of text. But I wanted to share my struggle. So many of us can go on for years without ever finding healthy ways of communicating and relating to one another. And we can certainly miss out on the work the Lord is doing on our hearts, when we are quick to speak and refuse to hear Him. I am praising the Lord that He hasn't given up on me yet and that he's diligently working on my tongue and my heart. A year ago, I wouldn't have even thought through whether or not my words were beneficial to my husband - I would have just "gotten it off my chest" and worried about the repercussions later. But I have seen the devastation of words ill-spoken far too many times now.

Even so, it hurts not to speak too. It hurts to feel isolated and alone in my frustration and anguish. I'd much rather fight and get it all out, so I don't have to feel the pain anymore. But God reminds me - "Where do fights and quarrels come from?" They come from the desires of your own heart, Shannon. You want something and don't get it. You fight and quarrel to get it. But you don't have it, because you don't ask God. (James 4) So where this could easily be seen by some as unnecessary self-inflicted pain in keeping my words to myself, I want you to know that it's about allowing God to weed out those desires at war within my heart. Rather than doing battle with my husband, I am wrestling with the Lord. I am praying and begging for mercy and grace. I desperately need it. I need a working of His Spirit to gut out the sin of my heart, so that I can speak the truth in love...so I can be a vessel of His words and His heart. So I can speak wholesome words that are helpful for building up my husband and strengthening our marriage - words that benefit my husband instead of just tearing him down because I feel bad. Yet getting to that point means walking through the sometimes painful process called sanctification.

But oh, how thankful I am for a Savior that has saved a wretch like me. To fully see the darkness of one's own heart...it is an ugliness that leaves me without words. But to see God's fingerprints on my life...to see how He's at work. It gives me hope and joy unspeakable!! It renews me to keep fighting against my flesh, to keep trusting His word and His work in me. It is faith that grows when we allow light to shine on the darkness in our lives - and I am so very grateful for His light! I am so very grateful that He is sanctifying me - even if it hurts!

Lord, thank you for keeping my tongue still. Thank you for showing me where my words would have been damaging and selfish and not encouraging or uplifting. Please forgive me for resorting to sarcasm when I feel hurt. Please continue to work on me - change my heart and sanctify me so that I fully delight in you. I have not been in a place lately, where I can enjoy the intimacy we usually share, so please revive me. Bring me back into that tender place so that I can see your heart and your will for me. Shelter me from myself so that I can be used by you to serve my husband and serve my family. I don't want to be that contentious woman from the bible that makes her home so terrible, it's better to live on the roof than with me. Help me to find satisfaction and fulfillment in you so that I don't burden my husband with impossible tasks. Show me how to be a blessing instead of a curse. I love you Lord. Thank you for never forsaking me. Thank you for your grace and generosity and open arms when I keep failing you. Your patience is amazing. Keep working on me Lord. I still need you desperately. Open the eyes of my heart and make me tender to your ways. In Jesus Name, I pray - Amen.

Grace Perfected

Today has been a day where I have deeply struggled against the thief of my joy. Depression is an awful thorn in the flesh, but I know from past experience and from God's word - that His grace is made perfect in my weakness.

In this struggle, the Lord has given me 1 Peter 1:13-25.

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."

Since you call on a Father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear. For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. He was chose before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake. Through him you believe in God, who raise him from the dead and glorified him, and so your faith and hope are in God.

Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. For, "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the world of the Lord stands forever." And this is the word that was preached to you.

And this is the word that reminds me of how deep God's love is for me and how precious His grace is to carry me through whatever valley I need to travel for the sake of His purposes. How deep the Father's love for us - that he would make a wretch His treasure! That is grace perfected!

My Perfect Afternoon

Yesterday held one of the most perfect afternoons! After work, I drove over and picked up my son from school. As I approached, he excitedly lined up at just the right spot in the carpool lane, waving his hand showing me he had had a great day. That's the way to have a Monday right after Spring Break! In the car, he reminded me that I forgot to bring his afternoon snacks up to the office. After I apologized, he looks up and says, "It's okay mom. You can do it tomorrow!" Heading home, Jonathan begged for pizza. He hasn't had pizza in ages! So I agreed to a small cheese pizza. He insisted we walk to the "pizza store" which is around the corner from us. It was a glorious afternoon outside, and I agreed it was a great idea! On the way out of our front door, Jonathan informs me that he has his water gun, albeit empty, and that he will protect me from all the bad guys while we walk. I couldn't help the ear to ear smile that spread across my face. What a sweetheart!

As we walked, Jonathan was true to his word and "shot" down dozens and dozens of bad guys as we walked around the block. He made sure that I stayed just behind him so I would be safe. As we turned the corner and came from behind the wall that circles part of our apartment property, he shot some more bad guys and led the march across the parking lot to the little cafe where we would get our pizza. We talked and walked and he shot bad guys all the way to the door of the cafe. Inside, we sat at a cozy little table and waited the few minutes it would take to make the pizza. Then we headed home.

At home, Jonathan ate pizza while I checked email and school assignments. When he was done and had rested a bit, we headed outside again to practice some soccer drills. He did so well to remember the things he has been learning, despite the long break due to his lip injury and then spring break. For 30 minutes or so we romped around the back yard area behind our apartment and laughed and played. The last drill was a challenging one and with Jonathan already tired, he complained a bit at the prospect of having to do something so hard. But it was an opportunity for him to show some heart. He laughed at me when I told him to say with me..."I AM NOT A QUITTER!" Nice and loud. We both ended up laughing at he repeated the mantra, and he gave the drill a try until he was winded and spent. It was such a tender moment for me to see how Jonathan is maturing.

We went inside and Jonathan helped me clean a bit before we headed out to the store to get those snacks I had forgotten. By the time dinner and bath time were done, we sat together for our routine bedtime stories. Jonathan read his reading book and I read another chapter in Narnia. I don't think the story will ever make sense to him since he falls asleep long before I ever finish the chapter, but as I stepped out the room, turning off the light, I couldn't help but take a deep breath in and thank God for such a perfect afternoon!

Inadequate and Glad!

Today is Monday. I have been thinking lately about all the heartache in the various lives around me. In the past couple of years, friends and family have experienced so many tragedies: death, bankruptcy, divorce, family severances, abandonment, and financial disasters. God has been teaching me about what it really means to comfort those in need with the comfort I myself have received. I haven't experienced all of these things exactly the way my friends and family have experienced them, and in each circumstance, there is an ability to relate but even more so there is one over-riding lesson for me to learn: humility.

I can relate in various ways to each person's pain and certainly I have zeal for helping to comfort the one in such pain. Yet, so many times, I am driven to my knees because I realize just how overwhelmingly inadequate I am. I have nothing of great value to offer these suffering individuals, but my own bleeding heart. Sometimes that is of comfort, but how I long to do more than that. How I long to see their heartache and suffering turn to peace and joy and a smile on their faces! How I wish I had a check big enough to cover financial woes...how I wish I had prayers big enough to move their mountains of relationship woes...how I wish I knew God's plan so that I could be absolutely certain in pointing them down the right path....how I wish I had wisdom enough to make sense of their tragedies...how I wish I had words and persuasion enough to change hardened hearts and closed minds.

But I am not God.

I realize so often lately, that my inadequacy is actually a very good thing. It is a realization that keeps me humble and from ever believing too much in myself and not enough in the Lord whom I serve. He does use me in so many ways to touch hearts and lives beyond my comprehension. He has graced me with wisdom and discernment and continues to develop a heart of compassion and tenderness within me that is amazing. But ultimately, suffering people need Him. My inadequacy leaves me in just the right place...a place of offering personal touch and a hand to walk them to the One whom they really need - their Creator! How inadequate I am...and glad for it!

Lord, search my heart and reveal any pride within me that seeks to take glory for your work in the lives of those around me. Forgive me and cleanse me of such sin. I am not worthy of your glory and pray that I would be wise to the temptation of my flesh to usurp your glory. Use me as you see fit, and may my heart always praise you for all that you do. I am so grateful that you would not only save me, but also use me - to have a plan for my life, one of purpose and care. In the lives of those around me...those suffering...please Lord be their everything - their Alpha and Omega. Walk them through these valleys and transforms their lives. In the end, may their suffering be purposeful and fruitful toward your endeavors and plan!