Abiding Trust

I don't think I ever realized how many things I have been holding to very tightly in my life until the Holy Spirit began to ask me to give them up. Now, I find my heart hurting as I seek to surrender these precious things to the Lord: being a stay at home mom, having my picture of a godly home, having my picture of a godly husband, and even just being free to speak what's on my mind.

It's not that I think the Lord is out to punish me or that he will not ever give these things back to me. Rather, it is like the story of the little girl who wanted some dime store pearls in the window of a little store. She saved and saved and finally bought them and they became her most prized possession. Then, when her daddy asked her to give them up to him, she struggles immensely. She offers up every other "precious" thing to him, where he kindly responds, 'No thank you. I love you.' Finally, she sits before him with huge tears and a broken heart and gives her father the dime store pearls - her act of saying 'I love you more than these.' Then, in exchange, he gives her a string of genuine pearls. But she didn't know he would do that...and I don't know if God will give me back the things I hold tightly to either. But I do know He will give me something genuine and far more precious than what I now think of as "genuine and precious".

'Dying to self' has a whole new dimension to it now. It's not "bad things" that God is asking me to surrender. He's asking me to give up "good things", "godly things", things that are not wrong to want...except when I want them more than God. I'm learning so much about my Father's jealousy. He will go to great lengths to be #1 in my heart. He will dive in deep with his skilled surgeon's hand and cut out those ugly parts of my heart - parts I didn't even realize were ugly. The whole process can only be accomplished by His supernatural work.

How very desperate I have become for His grace in these last few months! If there was ever a time in my life where I depended on Him more, it greatly pales in comparison to the desperation of today. How much I long to be close enough to Him that I stop feeling the fear and insecurity associated with all this change. How my flesh hates to be thwarted this way and how vulnerable I am to the attacks of Satan himself.

But in His infinite wisdom and faithfulness, God has rallied His body around me with words of wisdom and encouraging truth. There is purpose in the pain. He is good and Sovereign. He is PRESENT in the fire! He has already defeated my enemy. And as helpless and sometimes hopeless as it might seem - He is my help and my hope always! This season in my life is about deep, abiding trust. It's about trusting the hand that leads me when I'm not sure where we're going. It's about abiding when I'm not sure where we're going won't hurt - in fact, I'm pretty sure that it WILL hurt. At this point, here in the valley, I have to trust His heart, knowing He has promised a plan for my life that is for my good and His glory!