Boy is He chiseling me today!
I really wanted to vent my frustrations and pent up emotions to my husband. We are experiencing a lot of tension right now in our marriage and so much is going unsaid. But because I set out on a journey to allow God's Word to change my heart, I am holding fast to my tongue and to Ephesians 4:29 where it says "do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen". I cannot speak to benefit me, the speaker. Before I give my tongue the freedom to loose the words of my heart, I have to know that those words are for the benefit of the hearer. Being that I am not sure of that, I have chosen not to speak - at least not speak fully the things inside.
That is a real struggle for someone is who is used to saying what's on her mind. I usually work through things "out loud". But I know the Lord says not one carelessly spoken word will be forgotten. Yes, should I fail, my sin is certainly forgivable, but I do not want to cause more damage where healing is already desperately needed.
So I guess that is one reason for my blog. Certainly do not expect to read the inner workings of my heart at this moment - I won't be writing them in the coming lines of text. But I wanted to share my struggle. So many of us can go on for years without ever finding healthy ways of communicating and relating to one another. And we can certainly miss out on the work the Lord is doing on our hearts, when we are quick to speak and refuse to hear Him. I am praising the Lord that He hasn't given up on me yet and that he's diligently working on my tongue and my heart. A year ago, I wouldn't have even thought through whether or not my words were beneficial to my husband - I would have just "gotten it off my chest" and worried about the repercussions later. But I have seen the devastation of words ill-spoken far too many times now.
Even so, it hurts not to speak too. It hurts to feel isolated and alone in my frustration and anguish. I'd much rather fight and get it all out, so I don't have to feel the pain anymore. But God reminds me - "Where do fights and quarrels come from?" They come from the desires of your own heart, Shannon. You want something and don't get it. You fight and quarrel to get it. But you don't have it, because you don't ask God. (James 4) So where this could easily be seen by some as unnecessary self-inflicted pain in keeping my words to myself, I want you to know that it's about allowing God to weed out those desires at war within my heart. Rather than doing battle with my husband, I am wrestling with the Lord. I am praying and begging for mercy and grace. I desperately need it. I need a working of His Spirit to gut out the sin of my heart, so that I can speak the truth in love...so I can be a vessel of His words and His heart. So I can speak wholesome words that are helpful for building up my husband and strengthening our marriage - words that benefit my husband instead of just tearing him down because I feel bad. Yet getting to that point means walking through the sometimes painful process called sanctification.
But oh, how thankful I am for a Savior that has saved a wretch like me. To fully see the darkness of one's own heart...it is an ugliness that leaves me without words. But to see God's fingerprints on my life...to see how He's at work. It gives me hope and joy unspeakable!! It renews me to keep fighting against my flesh, to keep trusting His word and His work in me. It is faith that grows when we allow light to shine on the darkness in our lives - and I am so very grateful for His light! I am so very grateful that He is sanctifying me - even if it hurts!
Lord, thank you for keeping my tongue still. Thank you for showing me where my words would have been damaging and selfish and not encouraging or uplifting. Please forgive me for resorting to sarcasm when I feel hurt. Please continue to work on me - change my heart and sanctify me so that I fully delight in you. I have not been in a place lately, where I can enjoy the intimacy we usually share, so please revive me. Bring me back into that tender place so that I can see your heart and your will for me. Shelter me from myself so that I can be used by you to serve my husband and serve my family. I don't want to be that contentious woman from the bible that makes her home so terrible, it's better to live on the roof than with me. Help me to find satisfaction and fulfillment in you so that I don't burden my husband with impossible tasks. Show me how to be a blessing instead of a curse. I love you Lord. Thank you for never forsaking me. Thank you for your grace and generosity and open arms when I keep failing you. Your patience is amazing. Keep working on me Lord. I still need you desperately. Open the eyes of my heart and make me tender to your ways. In Jesus Name, I pray - Amen.
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