Reflecting on a Heavy Heart

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything other than relaying my trip to Oregon. So now I figured it was time to expose my heart a bit. It’s not my usual spiritual breakthrough that has prompted me to write, but rather my desert wandering that has put me in a reflective mood.

I’m so thirsty I can hardly stand it. I’m so dry and weary in a spiritual sense that everything seems to sap the life out of me. My food addiction has taken on new levels of ravenous binging and my TV watching steals away hours of precious time while my heart grows weaker. This is the perfect time to stop, repent and regroup. However, I find myself dealing with another old enemy of mine. It’s a monster that encompasses apathy, pride, self-centeredness, and unbelief. It whispers how needless repentance is and how my sin is minor and unworthy of note. It beckons me to lie down in laziness and forgo the fight to put myself back in right standing with the Lord. Then it tells me that I’m not worthy to be right before the Lord and that it would take too much effort to get there…effort that is fruitless and in vain so “why bother?”. It’s a horrible beast within me that I have come against countless times in my walk with Christ.

So here I am, at the threshold of decision – to fight or lay down in defeat. It’s easier to accept defeat, but only for a moment. The pain and agony of death swallows life whole and leaves nothing but emptiness behind. Fighting leaves its scars as well, but the promise is life and life abundantly. The promise is that I will never be left or forsaken, never alone. The promise is that it is not me who fights, but a perfect Victor who has already won the battle – it is He who fights for me. It is He who triumphs over the evil taking me hostage and binding me in chains of addiction and sin.

So, without the will, the belief, or the strength to move myself, I submit to Grace. I can’t fix what I’ve done. I can’t take it back. I can’t make up for it by bashing myself or berating myself into obedience. I simply submit to Grace. Unmerited, unearned, undeserved Grace that covers my sin and allows me to stand whole and perfect as Christ Himself before the Almighty Father. With a heart that begs I will not travel this road again. With a heart that is in awe of a love that seeks such a wretched outcast as me. Why does He do it? I will never fully understand it, but I do believe that much.

I believe the words of the gospel of Jesus Christ – that He came to seek and save that which is lost…and I am certainly lost. I’m a sheep that has lost my way from my Shepherd. What a glorious day to be rescued.