Jonathan: Our Journey (so far) with "ADHD"

First, I guess it's important to know that Jonathan was diagnosed "ADHD" when he was 4. We had a great deal of trouble with him for a year by the time he was diagnosed. Jonathan's daycare told me all the typical stuff: inability to focus, hyperactive, acting out, rebellious, impulsive and we were still having major behavior issues at home. From the age of 4 to 5, the behavior escalated at home to the point of extremely violent tantrums for hours on end. It was a nightmare. Four schools in less than nine months, play therapy, parenting classes, and numerous visits to the pediatrician, all to end that year in a psychologists office and a diagnosis of moderate to severe ADHD. With no more time and no promises of a good school to put Jonathan in, I opted to place Jonathan under the care of a psychiatrist and begin medication. I stayed home with him for 3 months and in that time, began to see some improvement.

Daytrana was our first round. $75 a week (after insurance coverage). In social environments Jonathan's aggression remained high, he stopped eating much of anything and didn't sleep very much. Additionally, he was still irritable and unpredictable. After finding a home daycare provider willing to work with Jonathan, he began to attend preschool again. Over the first several weeks, his teacher said that she noticed a slight improvement in Jonathan while medicated. Because the medication was a patch, Jonathan suffered constant skin rashes and inconsistent dosing because the patches would fall off. Overall, the teacher still had a great deal of difficulty with Jonathan. Once I taught Jonathan to swallow pills, we sought an alternative.

Adderall was round two. Much more affordable at $10 a script (after insurance coverage) and much easier to assess accurate dosages - no more skin rashes and painful removal of patches from his sensitive little back. The scarring from the patches only took about 6 months to disappear. We still saw the aggression, impulse and rebellion issues. But again, the day care provider stated he seemed to "focus" better while medicated, even if his behavior saw little improvement. Jonathan stayed on Adderall through the last part of pre-school and his first year in kindergarten. Yet, despite medication, the first half of kindergarten was very reminiscent of the year we had leading up to medication. School was a mess. But we had a staff, and particularly another blessed teacher, who had extraordinary patience and love for my son. By the end of the school year, Jonathan was doing exceptionally well.

I decided to have Jonathan redo his year in Kindergarten to give him the extra time to make up for the months spent more focused on behavior than learning. Everyone agreed he wasn't ready for 1st grade. Over the summer, I began intensifying my research in the effects of Jonathan's medication, which was never medically monitored by his pyschiatrist (no blood work to check for ill effects on his liver, heart or other vital organs). And in my heart, I still could not bring myself to be comfortable with 1) the diagnosis and 2) the idea that I was giving my son a molecular equivalent to street speed.

I had continued to work with play therapy, my parenting and nutrition. I changed what Jonathan ate and focused on detoxifying and nourishing his body. By the time school started this year, Jonathan had stopped taking medication and the reports from his Sunday school class remained positive (the only "classroom-type" environment he had over the summer). I saw changes in Jonathan that gave me hope we were finally making headway in my son's overall health. His home life was stabilizing and it seemed everyone was working together. His speech improved dramatically, he was eating normally again, his sleep patterns were restored, and his aggression and irritability decreased considerably. But the school year began with another round of challenges.

First, the teacher we thought he would return to had left to teach at another school. She was replaced with a very sweet and well-intentioned, but inexperienced, first year teacher. Back in a kindergarten class, the first week Jonathan complained of being teased by the students he knew last year because he was still in kindergarten and not in first grade. His first week seemed fine otherwise, but by week two, old behaviors began to emerge and I was called every day to either come up to the school or pick him up altogether. I was asked on several occassions about Jonathan's medication routine (with a disclaimer that I was not being instructed about medication), and ultimately given an ultimatum that if Jonathan's behavior did not improve, he would be expelled.

Defeated and frustrated to see all of our hard work and improvements seemingly gone, I doubted my decision to remove Jonathan from medication. I analyzed my parenting and highlighted every mistake with bold speculation of negative consequences. I watched my son, who seemed so happy throughout the end of summer, vibrant and excited to go back to school, sink lower and lower as the weeks of his second year in kindergarten went on.

By November, I felt that our naturalistic approach to Jonathan's health was costing him his education. I went back to the psychiatrist. For round three, we opted for a non-stimulant treatment for Jonathan's "ADHD". His doctor recommended Strattera, with a note it might make him a little sleepy and could upset his stomach, so give him the meds with food. In the days that followed, we were pleased to see Jonathan's aggression level did not increase, his appetite remained about the same and his sleep patterns did not return to the fitful bouts of insomnia we previously saw on the stimulant meds. At our two week follow-up, the psychiatrist increased his dosage and we were hopeful to begin seeing results in Jonathan's ability to focus, stay on task and control his impulsivity at school. His teacher said the medication seemed to be helping him a little school.

Thanksgiving was a crazy time because we moved and seemed busy every night of the week. But as we settled back into our routine, and I took more notes of Jonathan's behavior and overall health condition, I saw numerous "little" things I had being passing off for various reasons. It was at this time that he began the increased dosage of Strattera. He complained about his stomach off and on and it seemed to get bigger and bigger (bloated and hard to the touch). He wanted to eat more often. He woke up with nightmares or vivid dreams rather frequently and seemed tired and lethargic throughout the day. His irritability increased. He complained of sharp pains in his hips, knees and elbows. Sometimes his chest hurt. In the last week, Jonathan began to seem like he was coming down with a cold. He had a persistent, but unproductive cough. His nose kept running. And then his teacher began to report bouts of crying and withdrawal for no reason. The last few days those bouts were more and more severe.

In the last couple of days, Jonathan had became an emotional and physical mess. I felt like I suddenly had a teenage daughter instead of a 6 year old son. After researching the "potential" side effects of Strattera, I discovered it was actually an anti-depressant, prescribed "off label" for ADHD. I realized that the long list of things I passed off to schedule, diet, growing pains, stress, and common colds looked to be consistent with the list of side effects from his medication. Working with his pediatrician and his psychiatrist, it seemed there wasn't much we could do. The dosage could not be cut in half (it was a capsule), so we opted to stop it. (Even though his psychiatrist had just recommended an increase.) My heart was so heavy and I feared that Jonathan's withdrawal symptoms could be worse than his already present side effects. What would happen to him?

We're in the process of finding out. I'm doing my best to trust the Lord that whatever happens, He has everything under control. I know that He does, but I'm struggling with my faith at the moment. Also, I hate that I succumbed to percieved pressure and did something I did not think was really the best thing for my child. I also hate that I second guessed my choice to take Jonathan off ADHD meds in the first place. I hate that I have bought into a philosophy that makes no health sense to me whatsoever.

On that note, let me explain what I mean by the philosophy. ADHD is a subjective diagnosis that presupposes a chemical imbalance in the brain. That is the same presupposition of any number of mental illnesses today. I don't know if that chemical imbalance really exists or exactly what chemicals are imbalanced or by how much. My big problem with the medical industry today is that neither do the doctors prescribing medications to us. They are merely GUESSING as to whether or not chemical imbalances actually exist and GUESSING at which medications may/may not correct that alleged imbalance. Their guesses are educated by clinical trials and FDA medication approvals tried on other patients to alleviate symptoms prevalent in other people. I don't understand why a majority of America has no problem with this philosophy. If no one can determine IF my son has a chemical imbalance, then why on earth does it have to be medication that corrects that chemical imbalance? A medication with a horrifyingly long list of "potential" side effects? When they know not everyone reacts to meds the same way, how can they be sure of the effects it will have on my child? (They can't...which is why there is a nice, full page, legal disclaimer that accompanies the meds when the pharmacist hands them to me.)

So that brings us to today. I have reviewed our lives in a wholistic picture and am starting to think more logically about the health and wellness of my son. I know that behavior and emotions for us have numerous causes that could very well link our experienced effects back to the chaotic lives we have lived (broken home, me personally not being a stable, calm and peaceful person for the early years of Jonathan's life, inconsistent structure, moving, changes in significant relationships, etc). I know God designed our bodies with magnificent detail and incredible powers of self-healing. I know I saw improvements in my son when I applied good parenting, godly principles, home stability, a nuturing and attentive atmosphere, and sound nutrition. I know that there is a logical cause-effect link in illnesses and that treating symptoms doesn't alleviate the cause of the illness. (Ex: Allergy meds don't cure allergies...just reduces the experienced symptoms). So my venture from this point forward is about REAL HEALING...REAL HEALTH. No more treating symptoms and thinking that is good enough. It is about removing anything that obstructs my son's body from healing itself of imbalances and praying for God to give me wisdom, to guide me to doctors that are also about healing and not writing scripts for symptoms, and for Him to be the ultimate healer of my son. In the end, only God has control of every cell in our bodies!

This journey won't be easy and it won't be quick! It certainly puts me in opposition to the opinions of the school district and many well-intentioned, sincere adults around me. But it is the path that gives me confidence as a mom that I'm doing what is right and what is best for the child God has given me to raise and care for. I can't be lazy or easily distracted by the world's philosophy in my endeavor to help my son grow up thriving to his full potential. And for me, that no longer includes prescriptions for powerful, damaging chemicals that merely seek to treat symptoms, all the while, doing God only knows what to vital organs in my son's body. It requires determination, perseverance, courage and humility. It requires dependance upon my Lord. And in the end, I am praying not only for my son's healing, but an evolution of personal character for me. I want to be the very best mom I can be, so that my son has every opportunity to be the best man he can be.

A man's pride brings him low...

For the last month and a half, I have wandered away from the intimacy I usually enjoy with my Jesus. We all seem to do that from time to time, but knowing that never eases any of my disappointment or frustration at the realization I have "done it again". So here I am, "waking up" to the fact that I have dug myself into another pit. I am rather analytical by nature, so the past few days have been spent analyzing what happened and how I got here. I think I was actually hoping to find some new stumbling block or sneaky trick up the sleeve of my enemy, but nope! No new tricks. Just the same old stumbling blocks that trip me up every time...

Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. 1 John 2:15-16

Pride.

The definition of pride is "Proper respect for one's own dignity and worth; pleasure or satisfaction over something done, achieved, owned". For so long, I have underestimated pride. But again, I think we all seem to do that. With pride, we see some pride positively (applauding accomplishments and progress) and some negatively (criticizing outright bragging, boasting and excessive arrogance). Yet, God makes no distinction between "good pride" and "bad pride"...he always puts pride in the category of sin.

Pride is, in it's base form, self-worship. If we understand ourselves in light of His word, then we can hardly "respect our own dignity and worth". The only worth we have is because God loves us. In and of ourselves, there is nothing admirable, nothing good, nothing worthy! But God loves us just the same. An accurate understanding of our complete depravity is completely incongruent with any sense of self-worth or personal dignity. Humility, however, IS the natural response to understanding the truth of our humanity apart from Jesus Christ. And knowing God in His splendor and majesty for all He's created and all He's done will go a long way to remind us that there is NOTHING we have done or achieved apart from Him. We cannot even breathe apart from His grace. And certainly, God owns the cattle on a thousand hills...the entirety of creation belongs to Him! We own nothing. We bring nothing into this world and we shall bring nothing out!

So how has pride gotten me into trouble - AGAIN? Comparing myself to others, thinking more highly of myself than I ought to (in the name of 'confidence' and 'dignity'), thinking I achieved, could achieve or owned something, and a host of other ways has led me down the crooked path of pride straight into a pit!

See, pride, like any other sin, is enslaving. In those moments I am comparing myself to other wives and mothers or just other women, I step into the trap of a worldly standard. Suddenly other women's lives are better, they have things I want, they are more "together", and they do almost everything better than me. But now you say, "But Shannon...that isn't pride, is it?" Are you sure? Is my concern and comparison not motivated by self-dignity and a desire to achieve or own something? I can also boost my ego by thinking "I don't have it as bad as..... I've made better choices than.... My life isn't like.... " etc, etc, etc. The sin of pride is about the heart's selfish motivations.

What is the cure for pride? Repentance, forgiveness, and a good dose of humility. All of that can be found culminating in gratitude. We just came through the "Thanksgiving Season", in which many of us are finding ways to express our gratitude. There is little else that I can think of that more effectively remedies a proud heart faster than finding yourself face to face with your own depravity and looking around to see all that God has blessed you with. Air to breathe, a day to live and serve Him, family, friends, perhaps a job, a home, a car, running water, clothes, entertainment, a country without lethal persecution for religious preferences...the blessings are as countless as grains of sand on a beach. We don't own whatever we seem to have. We can't achieve anything outside of His grace. We can't even live apart from God's grace. Realizing that, like newborn babes, we are helpless, defenseless, and hopeless apart from Jesus Christ, humility has ground to grow in the light of gratitude and praise for such a tender, loving and compassionate God as our Father!

So I find myself at least with a path laid out before me to get away from this dark place in which I find myself. I'm still struggling though. Pride has roots that have grown into every area of my life. I am struggling with my attitude toward my husband (the opposite of submissive, let me tell you!), with finances, with discipline and self-control, and with so many other things as well. All these struggles blossomed out of my pride. I lost sight of how small I am and how BIG my Father is. I lost sight of how helpless and hopeless I am without Him. So I am praying for the Lord to heal my broken, sinful heart. I am praying He'll plow up the hardened soil of my heart and gratitude will take root instead.

What about you? Where is your heart with regard to accurately seeing your depraved self in light of a Holy, Perfect, and Just God? How much room does humility have in your perspective? How grateful are you for the very breath in your lungs right now? Let us not forget...

Proverbs 29:23, "A man's pride brings him low; but a man of lowly spirit gains honor." ...gotta love God's economy!

Dog Training: a lesson in temperament

So I'm learning a thing or two about dogs recently. I'll say that I am a very slow learner in this respect. I have little to no experience training dogs. My whole life, I think I've been more of a cat-person. :D But being that I'm severely allergic to cats, we have opted for the lesser allergen producer - the dog! :D Well, in our case...two dogs. Jack and Pepper.

Now Jack is what my husband lovingly refers to as a "lap-terrier". :D He's a rat terrier, supposedly a former show dog, and quite an easy dog to own. He's not especially keen on walking long distances and would rather cuddle in your lap all day. He's obedient (generally) and we really have no complaints about him. Like I said...easy dog to own.

But see, Jack was intended for Jonathan when we opted to take him in. But Jack really didn't take to Jonathan. I think Jonathan is like me...not that much of a dog person. So, I came up with the "brilliant" idea of getting a second dog and having Jonathan pick the dog. Well, he picked Pepper! We adopted Pepper from Operation Kindness a little over a year ago. Talk about a lesson that taught me how I know nothing about dogs!!!

I had the most difficult time house training her. I haven't really trained her to do much since then either, other than sit and walk on a leash. But thank the Lord she is not a difficult dog to train...just needs a better trainer than me! Well, I finally grew a brain cell in this dog-training thing and have realized that my training efforts have missed a vital part...consideration of her breed. Pepper is a Catahoula Leopard mix. She's a herding dog who needs lots of exercise, a natural protector, and a very interactive dog who doesn't like to be isolated.

Let's list some of my mistakes...bringing her in as #2 dog instead of #1, trying to crate train her (isolation), and not giving her lots and lots and lots of exercise. Throw in a few more ignorant things on my part and I'm thinking that the skittish, high anxiety dog I now own is a monstrous creation of my own hands! :( Now, we are changing up some things in order to help Pepper be the dog God created her to be...a herding dog who gets lots of exercise, little correction for being a protector (she doesn't yap, but punishing her for barking isn't good), and we're trading the crate for a bed to help her with her isolation anxiety.

I think this little lesson is applicable to life in general. As a wife and mom, it's important that I see the world as God's creation and stop trying to make everything (including people and pets) fit my mold. God designed everything and everyone with a specific temperament...a particular place in His world. Seeing creation for what it is and letting that creature thrive according to His design is much more productive, and not to mention produces less anxiety for everyone, than trying to make something into what it's not.

So for all you fellow control addicts out there...take note of your surroundings and see with new eyes today. God created us all with a specific purpose in mind and our challenge is to do what we can to work in union with God's purpose and plan. Look at your spouse, your children, even your pets and see that each of them has a unique design; put aside your plan and expectations and ask what you can do to work with God in His ways and according to His purposes!

Read: Genesis 1, note how many times God created each thing "according to its kind"...and how many times He says, "It was good".

Stress

With my stress level having hit the roof and then beyond in the past few days, I am reminded of exactly why the Lord commands us to keep the Sabbath Holy! I think so many Christians think of the Sabbath as an outdated command or 'too Jewish' or something too insignificant for heartfelt obedience. But NOTHING in God's word was ever given to us without reason...each word was penned just for us as an investment of His love and care for each of us. And that means Deuteronomy 5:12-15

"Observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy, as the LORD your God has commanded you. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your ox, your donkey or any of your animals, nor the alien within your gates, so that your manservant and maidservant may rest, as you do. Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the LORD your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the LORD your God has commanded you to observe the Sabbath day."

What a picture the Lord has given us here...First, a picture of urgence toward not being lazy. SIX days you shall labor and do ALL your work. But next, a picture of rest..."the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord and NO ONE does ANY work. Why? Because God wants us to remember that we have been freed from slavery. He's reminding His children that not so long ago, they were slaves in Egypt and because of His mighty hand of redemption, they have been freed! THAT's why we are commanded to observe the Sabbath day as a Holy day.

While of course it is still important to commune with our Lord daily, one day a week is a special day set aside for rejuvenation. The importance of this command has become so apparent to me in the last couple of weeks because I haven't taken much of a break from my full time job, my part time job, and the job of moving and arranging our new home. I'm not sleeping much and I'm putting everything I have into each and every waking hour. Busy, busy, busy, busy. For the short run, I was fine with that pace, even driven. But it was a sprint and I had forgotten life is a marathon. In the past couple of days I have crashed pretty hard because I was trying to keep up my sprinting. My attitude is awful and my communing with the Lord is next to nothing. That has meant the life has drained right on out of me and fast!

So this morning, the Lord reminded me that there is a reason for His commands and it's not just for the sake of obedience. My "busy, busy, busyness" is slavery. But....His mighty hand has freed me from slavery! So as a means of reminding myself of that...as a means of praising Him for my freedom...and as a means of rejuvenating my mind, body and spirit...I ought to keep the Sabbath Holy! Now, I'm not saying I know whether that day should be Saturday or Sunday or some other day, but I know in my heart that setting aside one day a week is a command I can't overlook because it is one of the many ways in which God breathes His life into me!

What about you? Are you feeling stressed about anything? Have you kept the Sabbath Holy? Perhaps you too could benefit from being reminded that busyness is slavery and God has provided the means of freedom! :D God bless you and keep you rejuvenated!

The Comfort of The Call

So much has been rattling around in my head lately that no one blog has come to fruition, but yesterday a clear message penetrated my heart. I thought that message was definitely worth sharing.

From at least three angles (probably more), the Lord has been teaching me about grace: counseling, corporate worship and small group bible study. In counseling, Shea and I have been working through the issues of marriage and seeking to understand and apply God's principles to make our marriage successful and God-honoring. In Corporate worship, our pastor is leading us in a series through Ephesians called "marriage-ability" (http://www.firsteuless.com/ if you want to check it out) which is all about what makes marriage and life work. In small group, we have been studying through the book of Judges. What an amazing picture of God's grace there! And overall, God's theme for me this year has been grace! As my counselor puts it, there is "The Call" (to obedience) and "The Comfort" (grace for our failure at obedience). Yesterday I found The comfort of the call in Hebrews chapter 4 and I wanted to share how it pierced my heart.

Hebrews 4:12-16 "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account."

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Let's start with the latter portion of that passage. I have realized this year, with much dismay, that so many of my life's struggles are simply a disconnection to the empowerment of God's grace in my life. The enemy deceives me so easily that I am alone in my afflictions and that God is not concerned with such small matters as a meal, a hormonal imbalance, troubling thoughts or fears. But God is concerned. "For I do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with my weaknesses." So in my weakness, where do I turn? I admit I often turn away from God. With my weight, I've turned to trends, programs and techniques. I've turned to studies and man's data. I tack on a prayer at the end of "help me", but I know deep down I keep taking this up as something I do on my own. But in every struggle...there is a promise of God's tender care "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." I don't have to do this alone. I also don't have to cower in a corner and cry for help from afar...I can approach the throne with confidence! I can take my wayward thoughts, my tumultuous emotions, my bad attitudes and entrapping habits and lay them at the feet of a Father who cares so deeply for me that I cannot begin to fathom the depth of that love!

But what is grace for? See, rules I understand...laws I get, but intellect has failed me in the practical application of life! Knowing God's laws has not brought me one step closer to success. In fact, laws in and of themselves, have only heaped burning coals of guilt on my head! I hate that! I can't win a race I'm told to win. But that is where grace steps in. I used to think that grace was merely dispensed to cover over my next failure and my next and my next and my next. But in the first part of this particular passage, God is calling us to a standard and reminding us that nothing is hidden. His word reveals our depravity and we are (whether we want to be or acknowledge to be) absolutely naked and vulnerable to the core of our beings. What does a person do with that knowledge? Nothing, absolutely nothing, is hidden from His sight.

It has been intimidating and oppressive to think that I had to bring my filthy sins before this beautiful and perfect Redeemer, but I had my picture all wrong! This beautiful and perfect Redeemer was not one who couldn't or didn't understand me or the plights I endured. He was one who intimately understood my feelings of rejection, sadness, and abandonment. I know he even understands my lack of trust and security which translates into my fearing so many things. With such a tender God, why do I find it so difficult to rest in His grace? I can find grace to help me in every time of need. And that is the power I have been missing!

My son likes to walk along of a particular patch of lawn at our church. It is landscaped with huge rocks all around the edges; he steps from one rock to the next, usually counting each rock as he goes. Yesterday, as we walked past the rocks and he jumped up to do his usual stroll, he struggled a bit, but like always, I reached for him and as he grabbed hold of my hand, his gait steadied and walking the otherwise treacherous terrain was rather easy. THAT was my picture of God's grace.

We all walk treacherous terrain in this life. We may not always realize how treacherous, but it is. And rather than being left alone to climb the rocks of life, stepping from one to the next, hoping the rock doesn't shift beneath us and cause us to fall, we have a steady Hand to grasp! We have a Creator who is walking with us. Through the Son, we can grab that hand of the Father and walk with confidence and assurance that the terrain of life will not get the best of us.

So the core of the message today is that obedience and grace go hand in hand. Before, I saw God hand as obedience and mine as grasping for grace (and not always successful), but now I understand that my hand is obedience and God's strong, supportive, never-let-go hand is His all sufficient, never failing grace! Do we not serve an absolutely amazing God? Wow....

Perseverance and Endurance

So I figured I would post an update on some things going on in my life.

1) WEIGHT LOSS JOURNEY

I accepted a friend's challenge to lose 20lbs for $20 in late September. Weighing in at 240 lbs on September 25th, this was my highest weight since being in my final months of pregnancy. I have struggled for years and I thought perhaps this was really the time I would change. But it has been so discouraging to have seen this yo-yo effect on the scale each week. Week 1 - down 4 lbs. Week two - gain 1 lb. Week three - down 2 lbs. Week four - gain 3 lbs. That 3 lbs weight gain really got to me. I really wanted to quit. I felt like all of my efforts had been for nothing. A whole month had passed and I was at 238? Why? I had been watching what I ate, going to gym, drinking water, and trying to ensure I got enough rest each night. I put my scale in the cabinet declaring I wouldn't take it out again until December 4th. (The end of the challenge.)

But I knew better than to say thing like that. I was angry and hurt and discouraged. The circumstances shook my faith and I found myself looking at the problem instead of the solution. Perseverance and endurance are heralded in the bible...but those character traits are not ones you just wake up with one day. They are character traits that God builds in a person willing to keep getting back up, dusting off and trying again. If I know that losing weight is about taking care of my body in honor of the Lord that gave me life, then the scale is not my dictator of what is or isn't success. Granted, getting to a healthy weight is important for health reasons, but I realized that I can't ride the emotional roller coaster aligned with the up and down scale results.

So this week, I lost 4 lbs. Go figure. I didn't even watch what I ate until Wednesday. I didn't go to the gym at all and I lose 4 lbs. But, I have decided to go back to the low-carb eating plan my doctor recommended a while back. With my family history of diabetes and the fact that my usual diet is predominantly carbs, it was something I could see benefiting me. I followed the Atkins plan several years ago and lost 25 lbs, so I know it works. Keeping to it stinks though because I LOVE my carbs! lol But oh well. I can do without pasta in every dinner. All my carbs now come from vegetables for now. I'll add some whole grains back in down the road, but for now, I'm retraining my body and mind to run on fuel rather than desire! I have 5 more weigh-ins and 16 lbs to lose to meet the challenge. I don't know if I can lose that much weight, but in the end, I have a lot more than 20 lbs to lose...so it's about the long term journey!

2) GRACE

I think my weight-loss journey has taught me a lot about grace. Yet, there are so many other things God has brought in and out of each day to teach me about His unconditional love and the motivation His sacrifice brings to my life. My husband is a wonderful instrument of His grace and so is my son. I can think of so many things I've done that warrants my family's anger and not their love, yet I wake up to a caring, warm and very loving family each and every day. My husband helps around the house by doing the dishes and helping with the laundry. He is getting our son ready for school each day, packing his lunch and taking him. He encourages me and always ensures that I know how much he loves me. My son is tender and sweet and writes these notes and puts them in envelopes. He draws pictures of just me and him with hearts. His hugs and kisses are so precious to me. He sure does love his mama! Even my dogs, with their slobbery kisses and happy tails wagging remind me that I am loved. To think that sin once held me in permanent death, but now I have the freedom to be propelled by the love of my Heavenly Father and am surrounded by evidences of His fingerprints in my world is simple indescribable.

In the end, what does that mean though? Grace is a motivator. My counselor talks about a passage in Romans that is the "comfort" and the "call". I have historically been great with the "call". I get rules and regulations and "have to's" and "ought to's" and "should's". But I have rarely understood "I get to..." in the context of a grace-motivated relationship. So I've taken some wonderful moments and here is my process:

A) I receive grace - be it from God, from my family or friends....

B) I deny selfishness - because that keeps me complacent

C) I chose a means of extending love - to my husband, my son, co-workers, friends...

D) I receive more grace

What I've learned is that this process reflects similarities to my weight-loss journey. It's three steps forward, two steps back. I will always receive more grace from the Lord than I give out, but when I try (and fall short), I progress. It might be slow and sometimes discouraging, but in the end....I'm seeing change slowly develop over time. Comes back to that character development. Perseverance and endurance. I can live by faith when I realize that I am loved apart from my performance and what I do becomes an outpouring of the character the Lord has developed and is developing!

So anyway...sorry for the long-winded update. Hopefully you are blessed to remember that life is a journey...along a winding road that almost seems to double-back sometimes. But it's important that we not forget Who authored the journey and that "now" is just one small spot on the road. Whatever you're facing...whatever the challenge or discouragement is in your life, there is a bigger picture to keep in mind. You can let Him pick you up, dust you off, and you can try again.

Giving Up...or Not

This morning proved to be very discouraging. Awoke with some nervousness about the weigh-in because I had not been to the gym my usual 4 times this week. This is week four of my challenge. In that time, I have only lost 5 pounds so far. I wanted to lose 3 this week; however, I doubted I would drop that many pounds because I had not worked out as hard as I have been. I still do not think I was prepared to see the number the scale though....

THREE POUNDS...I GAINED THREE POUNDS!!!

How in the world? That leaves me a month in and 6 weeks to lose 18 pounds (to successfully complete my 20lbs/$20 challenge). I feel so very discouraged. I hate that I have somehow allowed myself to get as overweight as I am. I have 103 pounds to lose to reach my ultimate target, but man...I can't even get the first 20 lbs off me!

Now, I'm trying not to stay in this discouragement. I heard a sermon this morning that reminded me that as a believer, it would be foolish to stay down. Defeat is not part of my born-again character. But how do I apply that? How do I get up once again, dust myself off and face this challenge head on? I don't know.

I do know that I have decided to put the scale away. I seriously hate that it has become a focal point for me in this journey. The focal point should be the Lord. So I'm refusing to weigh myself until December 4th. And if by the Lord's grace my choices of food and exercise result in success, great! If not, I have to keep coming back to the drawing board to figure out why.

So there you have it. Not much in the positive, uplifting category today, but I guess in the end, I'm really not giving up. Just whining a bit before I stand up, dust myself off, and try again.

Frustration

I am a bit frustrated. I have been "chewing" on this concept of grace and reflecting on the fact that I do not experience it the way I believe believers should experience grace! God has given me this undeserved, eternal, and unbelievable gift of life and relationship with Him. How does that not motivate me to live and walk in His unconditional love? Instead, I find myself trapped all too often in performance and legalistic adherence to rules.

What is it that I am holding to that is preventing me from moving under this umbrella of perfect love? I see it as the motivation to serve out of love and adoration rather than fear of condemnation. I see it as the motivation to obey out of love, not to avoid punishment or negative consequences. I see it as the power that changes me from the inside out... or perhaps I am at least trying to see it that way.

It seems this endeavor of mine to experience grace is rubbing against my idea of faith being about what I know rather than what I feel or experience. Experiencing grace, though, seems to be the concept of practical application of what I know to be true in the scriptures. Yet, here I am, knowing what I know to be true and STILL not experiencing grace. What am I missing?

Father, I am sorry that in so many ways, I am proud. Seeking to be self-sufficient....as if I can get some kind of handout from you and go on with life in my own strength. I cannot. You give me the very breath my lungs take in. You contract the very chambers of my heart that keep my body going. You created this day before me and orchestrated all the details of people, places and things in my life. Trouble gets sifted through your fingers in such a way that my depraved heart is molded and transformed into your likeness. I am sorry that I fail to see you in the light of Truth...how magnificent, majestic, mighty, and marvelous you are! I am sorry that the love you have extended me through Your Son is lost on this wretch of a woman that I am. Please open the eyes of my heart. Humble me and show me what it means to really and truly experience your grace in such a way my heart and life are radically changed. Whatever it takes to pry the deceit from this wretched sinner! Make me like your Son, Lord.

By His Grace...my weight loss journey

I think I've suffered writer's block for a while. So much has been going on lately, much of which could have written here, but I just couldn't seem to get it out! But today's topic I think will come out just fine: my weight-loss journey update.

If you've read my blog before (say...any time in the past couple of years), then you know this has been a battle I have faced my entire adult life. When I graduated high school, I was overweight, but lost 35 pounds in Marine Corps boot camp. I loved it! I weighed 136lbs, wore a size 7, and felt strong, confident and healthy! However, over the past 13 years, I have steadily gained weight each and every year. After leaving the Marine Corp, I packed on over 30 lbs in my first year in Texas. By 2002, I weighed in at 192 with little impact from occasional dieting. Then I got pregnant with my son and gained another 60 pounds during my pregnancy. Thankfully I lost all of that pregnancy weight within 6 months of giving birth, but that still put me at about 195. Then I went back to gaining weight each and every year - topping out at 240 lbs.

In the past few years, I have tried almost everything out there: Weight Watchers, Atkins, South Beach, soup diets, bible studies, fasting, juice-fasting, liquid diets, SlimFast, power foods, pills and a few others. If I lost any weight during the "diet", it was minimal and came back within six months. The emotional roller coaster has been exhausting and unbelievably discouraging. Then came the Biggest Loser TV show.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that the Biggest Loser TV show has changed my life. But I have learned a few things that have contributed to putting me on the right road. One of the most important reinforced ideas is that there is a spiritual and emotional element to being obese that I cannot ignore. People as heavy as me don't get here without some serious underlying, and more than likely unacknowledged, issues. I have had to begin working through levels of pain, spiritual depravity and maturity in order to really get to a place where weight-loss is even possible. In that endeavor, I discovered a deeply rooted self-destructive motivation that undermines all of my life goals, including weight loss. I found selfishness, pride and idolatry had erected mansions in my heart. But the most startling realization was a fear of success. Yes, I said fear of success. Not fear of failure. Let's face it...I'm good at the failing part. Success means so much to me, but fear is a blockade that I have to understand in order to experience healing. And understanding that is where I am now.

So what am I afraid of you might ask? Well, first off, it is important to know what success equals. To succeed means to lose all this added, unhealthy weight and return to a slim, healthy, energetic me. My ultimate goal is 135. I remember what it was like to come home from boot camp and the reactions people gave to my physical changes. People showered me with accolades, but some of those accolades were hard to take. People who hurt me emotionally in the deepest of ways as a child, now had cause to send their attention my way again. Add that to my shipping off to the Marine Corps school where I was outnumbered 500 to 1 by men in my battalion alone (and almost all other battalions were male-only on that base), I found that the attention that at first seemed nice, flattering and affirming, really created a very deep, but strongly ignored, fear that perhaps there was nothing more to me as a person than my body. It seemed that although I ran from home to the military, I still couldn't escape that the only way I mattered to this world was because someone, somewhere wanted to use my body for their own purposes. Self-loathing and an unexplained anger took root and grew like cancer.

But that was more than 10 years ago, right? Yes, and I'm a very different person than I was back then. The Lord has redeemed me from the pit of hell and I am His now. Realizing what all that means in my life is a lifelong process though. I figured out recently that I still fear feeling what I felt back then if I were to become the healthy individual I desire to be. My skin crawls at the possibility that the attention from men that left with my waistline and muscle definition, might return. Then there is the prideful and selfish part of me that hopes it does anyway. In the end, I have to battle all of those lines of thinking. Fear puts me in bondage and pride and selfishness bar me from experiencing the depths of my God the way I am intended to experience Him. So where does that leave me with regard to the goal of losing this very unhealthy weight?

It leaves me depending on His grace and mercy.

Each and every day I have choices to make about exercise and food. If I make them out of fear or pride and selfishness, I defeat the overall journey I desire which is a journey to know the Lord and be known by Him and serve Him from now to all of eternity. I can't say I have a handle on making these choices without these negative motivations, but that is where grace comes in. When I make the choice to eat smaller portions of healthier foods and go to the gym and work out as hard as I can, I have to consciously make the effort to give glory to God. Yet, knowing my heart is deceitful above all else, I am left with nothing else but to know that God's grace covers me anyway. Being healthy is a matter of stewardship. I have been a horrible steward of this gift of a body that the Lord has given me. I have put junk into it, abused it, and failed to exercise it and keep it in tip-top shape because I had other agendas than taking care of/using all the gifts God gave me for His plan, purpose and glory. I'm never going to be perfect this side of heaven. But somehow, some way, I am seeking to discover what it means to be motivated by grace.

I began by making a small goal; I joined the 20lbs for $20 challenge my friend put out there. Endeavoring to lose 20 pounds by December 4th has had its ups and downs, but grace has kept me moving forward. Grace kept me from quitting when I gained weight in week 2. Grace kept me from quitting when I overate one day, so that I could make better choices the next day. Grace pushed me out of bed at 3:30 several times a week over the past three weeks, when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and sleep. Grace kept me from quitting when I stayed in bed and slept. Grace pushed me in the gym to keep trying when things were difficult. Grace kept me from mentally and emotionally battering myself when I didn't do as well in the gym. Grace reminds me that I am loved - not for my body, not because I worked hard or made the right food choices, not because I fit into a certain size, and not because I do or don't attract attention from others, but I am loved...just because God chose to love me! This grace keeps me focused that this is a long-term lifestyle change that I am trying to make, and one tiny step after one tiny step, I move toward the person I desire to be. A person who can let go of the past, be healed of her hearts iniquities, and live for Jesus Christ with wild abandonment.

I gain a little more of that person every day...but only by His grace!

Fervent Prayer

I was told not too long ago that I had the spiritual gift of prayer. I’m not sure that prayer is a spiritual gift in the sense of how I think of spiritual gifts (ie. Certain people are gifted with certain things in order to all work together as a body…perhaps not everyone has the same gift). I believe every believer has the privilege to pray, is commanded to pray, and is blessed by prayer. Lately it seems more and more like a gift to me though. Still not in the sense of a “spiritual gift”, but in the sense that the Lord has placed upon my heart a sense of urgency and importance when it comes to prayer.

I don’t understand how a Sovereign God who knows all, has decided all, and is not surprised by anything can value such a thing as me praying, but if He didn’t, He would not speak about it in His word the way He does. And when I look to the examples left for me in the books of the bible, I see men and women of prayer: Moses, Abraham, Sarah, Esther, David, Paul and best of all, my beloved Jesus. Jesus did not have a victory recorded that did not accompany the recording of his prayer and time devoted to quiet conversation with the Father.

Lately, I’ve become acutely aware of the severity of the battle being waged against me, my family, my marriage and my home. I have not thought much about being a warrior in the heat of battle, but the veil has definitely lifted. I’m in the middle of a serious war. The war has already been won, yes, but I have not experienced that end result yet, so I’m still called to battle. I think because I knew this war had already been won, I have been complacent about fighting the good fight. I have been lazy about putting on my armor every day. I have been less than diligent in bending my knee in fervent prayer. And certainly I have been apathetic to the sense of urgency that the days demand. But no longer can I sit idly by and watch my house be carried away by the Thief one small bit at a time.

My sense of urgency renewed, my passion stirred, my laziness discarded for donning of battle gear, I have come to the front lines once again to wage war against the enemy. My weapon: prayer and the sword of the spirit…the Word of God. Like no other time, I am committing to pray God’s word over my own life, my marriage, the lives of each and every one of my family members and my home itself.

I can’t wait until the battle is over and I have eternal rest, but however long my life is, how can I not be serious about this war? Complacency and laziness abound in a culture like ours (American), but coming to terms with Psalm 90 brings me back to a sense of reality. Verse twelve says, “Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” I long to be a wise woman, a woman who fears the Lord, a woman who stands firm on solidly based convictions, executes relationships with compassion, kindness, gentleness, grace and mercy, and lives in the abundant freedom Christ died so that I could have. If I had to come up with one on the spot, this would be my life’s mission statement. Might need a little work…a few minor changes, but I think it sums up my plan to reach the one goal I have for this life…to hear in the end, from my precious Lord, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” And I don’t see doing well in living a faithful life serving the Lord if I fail to have a sense of urgency about my Father’s business!

So here I am….awakened to a new sense of what is at stake, how valuable it is, and that my part, however small, is important to my Lord. Fervent prayer…a must. Fervent prayer…a weapon. Fervent prayer…a path to victory!

Reality Sets In

I feel like I'm losing my mind...

One minute I can hold it together and the world seems almost normal...the next minute I break down in gut-wrenching sobs. The pain runs so deep that every time I try to plug the wound, it feels like I'm trying to put a band aid over a sucking chest wound. I hate this. I hate this whole process. I hate the back and forth swing of my emotions and that I don't know what to think. I hate that I can't stop crying long enough to hear what God wants to say to my heart.

Sometimes little things like "my grace is sufficient" seep through. Sometimes "keep pressing on toward the goal"...sometimes "be still and know that I am God"...sometimes "weeping is but for a night and rejoicing comes in the morning"...sometimes "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit". I guess they are not "little" things, but "big" things. I serve a Big and Mighty God. I have a Mighty God Who Saves!! But see...saying it, thinking it and truly believing it are way different things.

See...I can say of a chair...this is sturdy oak...fine craftsmanship...perfect detail....solidly built....will last a long time. But if I don't sit in the chair, my "faith" in the details seems rather meaningless. At this moment in my life...I have to sit in the chair of real Christianity. I have to ACTIVELY trust my Father in Heaven for my whole world...my life...the very air I breathe...for the strength to even get out of bed in the morning....to smile when my insides are dying.

It seems I have this love/hate relationship with the valley. I want to be like Paul who says "count it all joy", and one minute I seem to be capable of doing that, and the next I can't. One minute I'm trudging through the darkness with confidence and the next I'm cowering in the corner struck with paralyzing fear.

I guess this is where the "rubber meets the road" so to speak. I guess this is where true faith shines and the fake stuff gets burned away. I know being sharpened hurts. I know being sharpened is worth it. But I'm - if I may be so blunt in saying so - struggling with the flesh that says, "Isn't there some other way?"

Like Jesus in the garden....if it were possible, let this cup pass from me! I'm certainly not Jesus, but I wonder if He felt things that I am feeling. Did he feel abandoned? Did he feel fearful? Uncertain? Angry? Hurt? I guess since the bible commands "do not fear" and Jesus is without sin, He probably trusted His father and didn't fear. That must be my flesh alone. I don't know. I guess this whole blog I'm thinking "out loud"...it's what I do. Reality has set in and it's time to be real. Where is my real, genuine faith in my God? Do I really trust Him? Do I have any other choice but to trust Him?

Restoring Joy by Grace

My blog is for the purpose of sharing my heart with those that care to read the blog. But in many ways, I also find healing in expressing myself through writing. It’s like personal therapy. I’ve been struggling so much lately. I feel beat down and weary from life’s trials. Seems not long ago, I was almost sullen over having no “big trials” in my life that were driving me hard after the heart of God. Wow! I guess I should be careful what I ask for! But in truth, my spirit is excited about the hardships I’m experiencing right now. Sure, that may not make much sense to most people, but the sufferings I experience in life are designed to sharpen me and make me more like Jesus. To bring about in me the changes God desires…the transformation into the identity Christ gave me in His death, burial and resurrection.

So here I am in bittersweet territory. There are so many lessons to learn that it seems difficult to wrap my mind around all of them. One lesson is most assuredly regarding grace. One of my most favorite bible verses is “Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.” Psalm 51:12. I have been coming back to that verse quite a bit lately. The first part of that verse speaks to my heart on the matter of grace. David’s plea to the Lord to restore to him the joy of His salvation is about bringing him back to the place where he understood God’s grace. There is such joy found in the freedom of God’s grace. Grace isn’t a fuzzy feeling or warm invitation. It is the exchange of blood to pay for the debt of sinners…sinners like David…sinners like me. It is this verse that often brings me back to the foot of the cross. It makes me so humble to look up and know that my sin caused my Savior…my perfect Savior…such horror, anguish and agony. To know that He experienced all of the Father’s wrath on my behalf…for every sin I have ever committed or will commit…to know that He, who knew no sin, became sin, so that I could be positionally righteous before my Heavenly Father…that is humility. That is grace. The freedom of that love, that God poured out for me is where we come to a place of joy over our salvation.

But why the word “restore”? Because we still fight against the flesh. David, who God said was a man after His own heart, was a sinner who committed murder, lied, stole, and carried on in adultery until he repented. After we experience salvation, we begin to walk with the Lord. And likening it to other relationships, the “newness” wears off for us. We do not always choose the righteousness afforded to us in Christ through our salvation. And thus we stray. When we realize our walk is out of alignment, it is a cry of our hearts like David’s that sets us back on track: “Restore to me the joy of your salvation”. That cry says to our Lord…bring me back to that place of humility…bring me back to the newness of what it means to have received Your grace….bring me back to the place where I know the depth of my depravity and how hopeless I am to do this life on my own…bring me back to the place of complete dependence upon You, Lord!

This is one of the ways in which the Lord has been speaking to my own heart. Pride is such a wickedly deceptive thing in the life of every believer. So few of us every realize the depth of our own pride. I know that I personally recognize it very little. Thank the Lord for opening my eyes to it. To know that I’ve become self-dependent, self-focused, self-centered, and selfish is a horror in light of the cross. It’s all pride. Not wanting to be wrong, fear of rejection, high expectations of others, wanting to do things in my own time and my own way, and a host of other things are all revelations of my sin: pride. My sin kills fellowship with my Lord and it keeps from experiencing the joys of the freedom I have been given through grace.

What an incredible God we serve though! Because like David, I can make the cry of my heart, "Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me". I am constantly brought back to a sense of awe before Him. I just can’t possibly fathom Him as a whole…I can barely fathom Him in tiny parts! But just this part of grace...wow...there is restoring of joy when we understand what salvation from sin really is. I take on faith that the Lord is who He says He is, has done what He says He has done, and that I can count on all of His promises! Through faith, I have everything I could ever need or want! Praise the Lord for His grace!!!

Me and My Heavenly Daddy

How I love the Lord and His Word! I have begun to realize lately that I have been operating a pretty high stress level. To even begin sorting through all the reasons why in itself is a task that overwhelms and dismays me further. But I have been trying to find a way to bring that stress level down. Slight depression and extreme irritability are not my friends! So while I sat at the table this morning, I cried out to the Lord with the anguish of heavy weights on my shoulders. And isn't just like my tender and personal Father to faithfully answer with just what I need? Oh indeed it is.

The living and breathing Word lept from the pages of my bible and brought a peace in the midst of the chaos that has been reigning lately. He knew exactly what to say and how to guide me. He knew exactly how to comfort me. How I love Him for being that way! How I love Him for being so personal...so tender...so infinite, yet right there in that moment with me...so kind and gentle.

What an incredible God I have! And I'm very much looking forward to tonight when I get to spend some more quality time with Him. My husband has a guy's night out, my brother is going with him and my son is off to grandma's! I'll be visiting a friend and then home to sit in the quiet of the evening...just me and My Heavenly Daddy! I can hardly wait!

Joy

I have been pondering the work of the Holy Spirit in my life lately and what that looks like and doesn't look like. In the area of joy (a fruit of the spirit), I see a lack thereof that makes me sad and I pause to wonder why. How would it affect my marriage if I began to experience the joy of the Holy Spirit instead of the sorrows of two sinners residing in the same house? What would my parenting look like if I experienced joy more than I experienced anxiety over a future I cannot determine? What would my job look like if I set aside discontentment and took up joy instead? And ultimately, what would my relationship with Jesus look like if I focused on the first part of the verse that has come to mean so much to me: "Restore to me the JOY of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me"? So I begin with Lamentations 3:40 "Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." I am asking the Lord to reveal to me in the light of His Word, what it is that keeps me from experiencing the work of the Holy Spirit on a deeper level...why am I not experiencing more joy, when all reasoning says I should be the most joyful person around with all that Jesus has done and has promised to do?

Perhaps some of it resides in the sin of pride. Sin steals away the fruit of the Spirit. Galatians 5:16 says "So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature." My sinful nature is prideful. I have a tendency to focus on myself, how I see situations and people, and my own will. However, when I live by the Spirit, I do not gratify those desires. I crucify the desire to have my own way, to condemn or criticise people around me, and to worry about a future I can't control. The Holy Spirit brings to my mind edifying truth about who God is, the life He purchased (mine) through Jesus Christ, and how much He adores me. I can, through His work, see people through God's eyes: they are his creations, molded and crafted by His hands, absolutely wonderfully and fearfully made for a perfect purpose in God's eternal plan. The Holy Spirit gives me kindness and gentleness with those around me. He enables me to be generous with not just resources, but with my praise and admiration for others. He gives me a peace that surpasses all understanding so I do not have to worry about what the future holds for my son or our family. When I am plugged in to the power of the Holy Spirit, life, my attitudes, my perspective, my desires all change. I can see my whole being transforming into the likeness of Christ. It is an amazing work.

Some of the barrier to joy comes from discontentment. What is His (the Holy Spirit's) work there? Gratitude! When we have thankful hearts for the riches Jesus Christ has given us, joy is a very natural and evident byproduct of His work in us. Discontentment robs me of the joy found in what I already have. I have a job that is paying our debts. I have opportunity to minister to so many people through my place of employment just by the way I work and live and interact. I have a home that is safe and filled with numerous luxuries. I can remember a time when I didn't have a safe roof over my head. I remember waking up to soaked bedding because the roof of our camper had leaked again. There was no way to get dry bedding. There was no heat to take away the chill of the evening. I remember showering outside regardless of the weather and having to be careful how much of the 2 gallons of water in the camping shower bag I used at once. I remember not always being able to shower because it might have snowed for the past several days. I remember not always having clean clothing to wear or the ability to wash clothes when we needed to. I remember the long treks down the gravel driveway to fill our water containers so we had water to drink, bath, and wash dishes in. I remember not eating ice cream because we kept our food cold in coolers with ice blocks and it wasn't cold enough to keep freezer items in. No oven for baking and the only light after dark being a lantern. So how can I not be grateful for the running water, the washer and dryer, the clothes in our closet, the furniture we have to sit and sleep on, the roof that doesn't leak, the heating and air conditioning that stabilizes the different temperatures, and the vast array of entertainment contained within my home?

If I get drawn into person to person comparison, I can find a deep pool of discontentment and desire. But if I allow the words of God to fill my heart, then I find peace and joy in today. "When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made one as well as the other..." Ecc 7:14, "....whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Phil 4:8, "God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Phil 4:19, "I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me." Psalm 13:6, "But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the Lord." Jonah 2:9, "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in You." - Isaiah 26:3. The list is truly endless, but I guess I'll stop there. The point being that His word lifts my eyes to the hills from whence my help comes from - even when the help I need is simply an attitude/perspective adjustment.

So as I've pondered why my life and outlook seem to be more serious than joyful, I have seen that at least two things are stealing my joy: pride and discontentment. What a treasured intimacy that can be had when I get closer to my Creator by sharing my Father's view and my Father's will! How much sin could I avoid with just a changed perspective? The work of the Counselor brings me in line with the will of Him who created me. And by identifying with the sufferings of Christ, whose flesh was crucified, I know that I can too crucify my flesh and kill the sinful desires that keep me from experiencing the joy that is mine to have. So I venture today to focus on God's perspective to view the people and situations around me. Through His work, I can stop being selfish and self-centered. Through His eyes, I can see (and be most grateful for) the abundant blessings of an abundant life purchased for me on the cross at Calvary.

Talk about the means by which to experience joy!

Portrait of a Godly Wife...my personal struggles

It is no secret here on my blog that I struggle, like I'm sure any wife struggles, with being the kind of wife that is godly and honoring to the Lord and her husband. Personally, it helps me to "think aloud" and in that out-loud process, I find it easier to align my thoughts and attitudes to scripture.

In this endeavor to be transformed by the renewing of my mind into the wife I know God longs for me to be, I am facing my biggest challenge yet: Letting my speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that I may know how I ought to answer each one (Col 4:6), not passing judgment on one another (Ro 14:13) and not letting any corrupt communication proceed out of my mouth, but that which is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearer (Eph 4:29). I can see that any Christian who has been blessed with conviction over these verses would struggle with obedience. Living in America where we hold our freedoms above everything else, it is contrary to all we have been taught by the culture to avoid the freedom to speak, to not demand to be heard but rather listen, and to filter anything outgoing through the Spirit of God Himself so that nothing is corrupt. Not an easy task by any means. My means is nothing short of the grace of God at work in me through the Holy Spirit residing in me.

Dependency doesn't come naturally to me an everything in me usually refuses it. Dependency in the past has equated to pain and in my flesh I avoid pain. Who wants to suffer? Paul is one of my biblical heroes. A man used of God to deliver messages that encourage us to see pain and suffering as a joyful and welcomed experience because only in our suffering do we really draw the closest to our Heavenly Father! So, as God has granted me a willing spirit, I head straight into a period of suffering and pain. The hurt comes from crucifying my flesh, yielding to the Word of God that says to depend on Him to overcome evil with good and be directed by Him.

Another thing that doesn't come naturally AT ALL is not talking! I am amazed at the sheer volume of words I can manage in a day's time. In this endeavor of obedience though, a tight rein on my tongue is absolutely necessary. So as the Lord gives me the grace, one by one, these areas which I find a loose tongue will "feel the crack down" so to speak. I've identified some things that I respond to verbally in my relationship with my husband that I can no longer respond to that way. God says that a husband is won over by a gentle and quiet spirit that DEMONSTRATES godliness, NOT a wife that talks about what the bible says and tries to persuade with eloquent and verbose speeches or well devised, heart-probing questions.

It never fails that all of my struggles come back to a crucifixion of self: selfishness and pride...original sin pervades all of the shortcomings I experience in seeking to be obedient. How grateful I am for His promises that the war I experience in this life has already been completely won by Him! How awe-inspiring to know that I can't accomplish one bit of any of this apart from God's work in me! After 7 years of walking with the Lord, I still cannot articulate how it is that God works in me. I don't know how to explain how the equation of surrender plus His Spirit equals obedience, freedom from sin, and more blessings than I can count. But I guess there isn't much need for explanation. It is what it is and rather than question, I suppose my gratitude is response enough.

Lord, thank you for your work in me. Thank you that you have chosen me and taken me from the farthest reaches of the earth and made me your own. I am amazed at your love for me. Here at your throne I ask that you help me to learn to hold my tongue, to speak only words that edify and honor you, and to crucify my flesh. Help me to be like Jesus who laid down his life in obedience to you for the benefit of others. Stop me from thinking about my "needs" because your word says that YOU will meet my needs. I only need concern myself with loving you - to love you means that I will obey you. And Lord, I know there is no better place, no freer place to be than in line with your word, in obedience. There, I find security...your love, your adoration, and I find you lifting me up to soar on wings like eagles. Help me be there, Lord. Help me get to that place where I submit to you in all things, where my speech and my behavior reflect your character and I am a blessing to my husband and my son. Where I am a glory to You. I ask in the Name of Jesus. Amen.

Under Siege

I have been caught off guard and unprotected. This is why the Lord commands us in Ephesians chapter 6 to put on the armor of God. I guess I got so caught up in my own little world of what God has been up to with me lately, that I forgot my adversary is lurking about seeking that which he can devour and destroy. So now, I've been pounced on and it hurts.

I find myself in familiar territory though. This is not the first time I've been attacked and won't be the last if I'm not swept away to heaven soon. So I shouldn't be surprised. However, I was caught off guard and it jolted me back to reality. Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." I forgot this truth and it resulted in chaos and confusion in my heart and mind. No longer do I have a well defined problem, but a ball of chaos that has swept me away like a tumbleweed in the lonely desert.

Now what?

Well, being this is not unfamiliar territory, I start with the simple stuff. Who am I? What is God's ultimate purpose? What is going on? How am I going to respond to what is happening? When I begin answering those questions with honesty and biblical truth, I stop feeling so out of control. I begin to see clearly and know I can take the next step without fear of feeling even more lost than before. I regain my footing and direction....my sanity even! :D I am so thankful for the Lord who gives me answers to questions, who gives me guidance, who can be found every time I seek Him when I seek him with all my heart!

Lord, you know all that is happening and how it fits into your perfect plan. I know you work all things for the good of those called according to your purpose and that your plans for me are not to harm me, but to prosper me and give me a hope and a future. I can't see the big picture, but I trust your Hand and plead for your closeness and guidance. Please keep my tongue still unless what I speak benefits the hearer. Please keep my heart quiet with your peace which surpasses all understanding. Please forgive me for forgetting my battle gear...the armor you have given me. I forgot about the enemy that seeks to steal, kill and destroy. I let my guard down and got self-focused. The world is not just about my journey with you, but the journey for all of us that you are writing. The "big picture" is about you and your glory and being in Your Holy presence for eternity. I'm sorry I got so caught up in the now and didn't look up again to get the eternal perspective. Now that I'm aware of the attacks, I'm running to the refuge I find in You and You alone...my Rock, my Fortress, my comfort in times like these. Thank you for being my Savior, my Protector, and my Guide. I love you Father. You are so....wonderful! Thank you!

A Journey of Character

I was blessed with a helpful resource that lists character qualities and the corresponding definition and encouraging bible verse. Since God has been walking me through this journey of becoming a better wife and mother, I am very excited about this resource! Out of 30 character qualities, I asked God to show me the ones I need the most work on. So I now have a list of 10 that I endeavor to work on and pray for through the scriptures given.

Here is my list:

1) Acceptance - deliberate and ready reception with a favorable response; to receive someone unconditionally and willingly (Romans 15:7)

2) Contentment - enjoying present possessions rather than desiring new or additional ones; being happy regardless of circumstances (1 Tim 6:6)

3) Deference - limiting my freedom to not offend those God has called me to serve. (Romans 14:13)

4) Diligence - seeing every taks as an assignment from the Lord and applying energy and concentration to accomplish it (Colo 3:23-24)

5) Initiative - taking steps to seek after God with our whole heart; giving first rather than waiting for other to give (Luke 6:38)

6) Loyalty - adopting as your own the wishes and goals of those you are serving (Col 3:22)

7) Meekness - yielding our rights and possessions to God; being willing to earn the right to be heard rather than demanding a hearing (1 Peter 5:6)

8) Punctuality - showing esteem for other people and their time by not keeping them waiting (Phil 2:3-4)

9) Security - entrusting our needs and expectations to Christ based upon His eternal Word (1 Pet 5:7, Phil 4:6-7)

10) Self-Control - identifying and obeying the promptings of the Holy Spirit, bringing our thoughts, words, and actions under the control of the Holy Spirit (Eph 5:18)

I am so excited to start praying these scriptures for my life and asking God to change and mold me more into the likeness of His Son! I began with Acceptance this morning, praying God would use the example of Jesus' acceptance of me so that I can and will readily accept others and give a favorable response to those around me. I so struggle with that because I so struggle with being judgemental and holding expectations over people. I have a comfort zone in the social circle that I have a hard time getting out of. But I am excited to see what God does in my heart now that I'm praying His word in Romans 15:7 so that I can demonstrate godly acceptance. :D

Enveloped by His Presence

Walking with me these many years couldn't have been easy for You to do. My stubbornness, pride, rebellion, selfishness and self-centeredness all washing between us like the Grand Canyon flooded over. In a moment last night, I was enveloped with a sense of awe I have not shaken. It stays with me, slowing me down and consuming my every thought. I just stand in awe of You, Lord. I don't know what else to say or what else to call it. There is just a sense of Your presence like no other time in my life. No fleeting thoughts or random waves of emotions, but a deeply rooted, soul gripping knowledge that You are with me...that you've always been with me...that you'll never ever leave me nor forsake me.

Not exactly sure why I haven't experienced it before now. I don't think I've done anything extraordinary to warrant such an experience with You. Perhaps in your Sovereign grace you have chosen to gift me with these moments. I won't pretend to know why or exactly what is going on, but I am grateful that You are so near and that I can experience You right now.

In thinking about my life, I am amazed at the answer to my prayer - "restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." I have been told over and over that there is something teachable about me and my walk with you. I can't take credit for that, Lord. You know how stubborn I am...how thickheaded I am...how UNteachable I can be. But you've captured my heart! No matter where I go, I can't get you out my mind! No matter what I do, I keep coming back to a longing to follow you.

Oh how the chains that bind me keep coming off experiencially. I know they all came off at Calvary, Lord. You made sure of that. But as I walk, I keep dropping the weight of all that is fleshly and the desire to run, to have nothing that hinders me, continues to burn hotter and hotter. I see myself in that allegorical story of the mountain climber that refused to climb without bringing lots of "comforting things"...blankets, extra food stuffs, etc. As he climbs, he begins to drop those comfort items one by one. When he reaches the top, just as the wiser climbers had tried to tell him, he only has the absolutely necessary things with him. The rest of his "baggage" had to be let go of as he made his climb. That's my struggle Lord.

I suppose that is every Christian's struggle. I sometimes get so weary carrying all this extra baggage: debt, pride, selfishness, gluttony, lust, greed, covetousness... But just like the mountain climber, all I have to do is leave those things behind. Less weight, less to hold me back from the thing my heart wants most....to run for you! I get so overwhelmed sometimes thinking about how badly I want to do something amazing...like this radical Christian life lays just a step or two ahead of me...only slightly out of reach. Yet the verse that keeps my heart still is, "It is not good to have zeal without knowledge nor to be hasty and miss the way." I don't want to run ahead of you, Lord. You know what that's done to me before. I don't want to miss Your way for me. So I'll keep dropping the baggage with your help. You know how stubborn my grip can be on these unnecessary and destructive things.

But Lord, I absolutely love you. It will never be the kind of love you deserve...I'm not capable of such perfection, but with all that I am, my life is yours. For whatever my paltry offering can be in your hands, I put it there. Keep me teachable. Keep molding me. Keep loving me like no one else can - only You! And use me Lord. There is a lost and lonely world out there who doesn't even realize that what / who they are looking for can all be satisfied in You (and won't be satisfied any other way). Use me to reach them. Use my life, my pain, my journey to help them climb this mountain too. Show the world, through what You've done in me, that the climb is worth it! YOU are worth it! Though the words are completely inadequate, Lord...Thank you! Thank you for saving a wretch like me.

Teaching and Training

So often I find myself trying desperately to capture my thoughts when I dwell in the place of regret. I guess many parents could readily identify with "wishing I could do it all over again" when they look in the rear view mirror of the years they have spent teaching and training their children. I have struggled my whole born-again life (roughly 7 years) with fear and anxiety over "blowing it". Somehow being convinced that I can make a cosmic mistake that unravels God's perfect plan for my life. It kept me from marriage for a long time, and it's kept me in a place of grave uncertainty as a mother. But lately, I have been deeply encouraged by the following truths:

1) Teaching is about living a lifestyle: Deuteronomy 6:5-9 "You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."

2) Teaching happens in relationship: Titus 2:3-5 "Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored."

3) Teaching is time-sensitive: Proverbs 19:18a "Discipline your son while there is still hope..."

4) Teaching is unique for every child: Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should, even when he is old he will not depart from it."

5) Plans can and should be made, but the result is up to the Lord:

*Proverbs 16:3, "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."

*Proverbs 16:9, "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."

*Proverbs 19:21, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

So what do I learn from these truths? First and foremost, I have learned the value of seeking the Lord with everything I have and then "all these things shall be added" (Matthew 6:33). Lifestyle and relationship display that value. They say values are caught not taught when it comes to our children. Lifestyle matters! The life I live before my children - the authentic and genuine reality, not the front I may try to portray - teach them about everything: God, people, morality, ...everything! And the relationship I have with them in the context of the lifestyle I lead is crucial to driving those things home. If I live a lifestyle of help and hospitality to others, but never spend quality time investing in the lives of my own children...what a crushing hypocrisy for my children to bear.

Secondly, I have to have a uniquely designed plan that I execute daily for each child the Lord has given me. Right now, I only have one son. However, if I want each child to flourish, I must study each of them. Currently, I study Jonathan and how the Lord created him. I ask the Lord how I can help build him up and how the Lord is revealing this unique person in all the splendor of his creation. I beg for wisdom and study His word to know how I can equip my son to live the best possible life. It is a huge responsibility, but the Lord saw fit to give that to me. If HE has perfect confidence in using me to do the job, why do I not see that as good enough? In the end, the Lord's purposes will be carried out. He knows each day ordained for each person, including my son and any other children we might have in the future. The Lord knows His plan for all of His creation and if I trust Him, then I can rest assured that doing my best is all that He asks.

Parenting is tough. We can grow so very weary in diligently carrying on each and every day, investing in our children. But this is a heritage that lasts for eternity. What kind of legacy do we want to leave? What kind of returns do we want to see from this investment? He who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly. And there is no doubt we are lacking as parents (we all fall short), but God shall supply all our needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus! You can do it and so can I! So may today be a day of prosperous parenting, where teaching and training are a joy, not because it's easy, but because it's worth it!

Pondering Quotes by Oswald Chambers....

"If we have never had the experience of taking our commonplace religious shoes off our commonplace religious feet, and getting rid of all the undue familiarity with which we approach God, it is questionable whether we have ever stood in His presence."

"Never run before God's guidance. If there is the slightest doubt, then He is not guiding. Whenever there is doubt - don't"

"Worship is giving God the best that He has given you."

Isn't it just like my God...

to be so personal!

Shea and I have been on a journey of Exodus. When we got married, we both knew we were in Egypt...a land of extreme debt: $120K. The borrower is slave to the lender (Pr 22:7) and Shea and I had given our allegiance to numerous lenders. Conviction prior to marriage had us both on a track to get out of debt, but we still walked the isle to the alter carrying a lot of that Egyptian luggage!

So now, a year later, we are in what I liken to the Israelites 40 year desert journey. Prayerfully, we will not be in the desert for 40 years, but we are in a time of learning to trust fully on the Lord and not on what is seen and what we ourselves can accomplish. In the past couple of months, I have faced some hard decisions that revealed where my faith really laid. I realized that because I had not cut up my credit cards, I would rather easily use them for a little something here and a little something there. For almost 6 months, we made so little headway on our debt reduction because we were constantly paying off the same credit cards. So finally, after much conviction, I fully faced the fact that my trust was in money and my security was in having those credit cards available to me. I was still acting as a slave even though Christ had set me free. I had to decide whether I was serving Christ or my credit cards.

I cut them up.

I never thought it would be so painful or difficult to get rid of something I intellectually detested. But when my heart's darkness had been revealed, cutting my chains was the only option that moved me toward Christ. And now, I am finding myself roaming the desert and having to trust the Lord for every little thing. I am learning contentment and real faith like never before. WHY, OH WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG TO CUT THOSE CARDS UP? :D

Last week came another step of faith. After hearing the testimony of another couple which was so like our own journey, God spoke to me about Malachi 3:10, "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse so that there may be food in my house, and test Me now in this," says the Lord Almighty, "if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows." Sure we had been giving regularly, but not faithfully. Faithfully giving meant true obedience to what the tithe really meant. The tithe was 10% OFF THE TOP. We stopped short by only taking 10% of what we had in cash...after taxes and other deductions. It was time to step up to true faithfulness with our stewardship. It was time to REALLY tithe.

This weekend we brought the WHOLE tithe to the storehouse even though it meant only $8.80 left for food or whatever for the rest of the week. We had food in the house, so even a gallon or two of milk and some inexpensive bread could be covered by the $8.80. I could save gas by walking to work (it's only around the corner). So all in all, it was fine. But my heart was so anxious. I kept reminding myself that I trusted not in my bank account but in the Lord and all was fine. He was in control. We were abundantly blessed and I didn't need to worry. (Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to the Lord - Phil 4:8) I felt my faith being burned in the fire as I laid our tithe in the offering plate, and I felt the burn continue.

Such a small thing in some sense, but such a big thing in another sense. But isn't it just like my God to be so personal to come to me in such a time when I am struggling with anxiety and trust and be my comforter, my provider, my All! He showed up in my mailbox yesterday. We recieved a very random check in the mail for $100. I could hardly believe my eyes, but knew at once it was the Lord wrapping His arms around me and saying, "I am worthy to be trusted and I want to ease your troubled heart." I knew the power of Psalm 91, "He who rests in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

I didn't need the $100, but I needed my Lord and He spoke to my heart through those circumstances. It may not always be like that (receiving random checks or infusions of money) as we travel this desert road to the promise land (debt freedom), but it will always be like the Lord to show me His faithfulness. It will always be like the Lord to be our provider and comforter. It will always be like the Lord to wrap His arms around me as Abba Father! For that my love deepens for my Savior and Lord. I fall in love with Him all over again. He is so ... precious to me.

Lord, I ask with all my heart that you continue to lead me by a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. Please help me not to get prideful or forget, as your other children did and I have done in the past, the miracles you have done to reveal your faithfulness. You are worthy to follow and obey, Lord. I am weak and cannot do this on my own. I am so grateful that in my weakness your strength is made perfect. It is strange that I love so much to be in this place of weakness, but there is no place I'd rather be than your arms and in your will. Continue to discipline us, Lord. Continue to help us learn contentment and sacrifice. Continue to help us give lavishly and may the giving be blessed and multiplied by your hand so that the kingdom is increased! Let our lives be a light for who you are and how great and precious it is to follow you at any cost.

Encore: So not only did we have the $100 check yesterday, but today I discovered a bank error in our favor to the tune of almost $200 more. I marvel at this error, because usually 2-3 times each week, I make sure our account is balanced to the penny. I had not done that in almost a week and a half and when I did so today, I discovered a deposit that was made but not recorded in the ledger. Had that deposit been recorded, I doubt I would have counted yesterday's moment with the Lord as precious as it was. Thank you Lord for folding in even more blessings! You are so amazing!!