Walking with me these many years couldn't have been easy for You to do. My stubbornness, pride, rebellion, selfishness and self-centeredness all washing between us like the Grand Canyon flooded over. In a moment last night, I was enveloped with a sense of awe I have not shaken. It stays with me, slowing me down and consuming my every thought. I just stand in awe of You, Lord. I don't know what else to say or what else to call it. There is just a sense of Your presence like no other time in my life. No fleeting thoughts or random waves of emotions, but a deeply rooted, soul gripping knowledge that You are with me...that you've always been with me...that you'll never ever leave me nor forsake me.
Not exactly sure why I haven't experienced it before now. I don't think I've done anything extraordinary to warrant such an experience with You. Perhaps in your Sovereign grace you have chosen to gift me with these moments. I won't pretend to know why or exactly what is going on, but I am grateful that You are so near and that I can experience You right now.
In thinking about my life, I am amazed at the answer to my prayer - "restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." I have been told over and over that there is something teachable about me and my walk with you. I can't take credit for that, Lord. You know how stubborn I am...how thickheaded I am...how UNteachable I can be. But you've captured my heart! No matter where I go, I can't get you out my mind! No matter what I do, I keep coming back to a longing to follow you.
Oh how the chains that bind me keep coming off experiencially. I know they all came off at Calvary, Lord. You made sure of that. But as I walk, I keep dropping the weight of all that is fleshly and the desire to run, to have nothing that hinders me, continues to burn hotter and hotter. I see myself in that allegorical story of the mountain climber that refused to climb without bringing lots of "comforting things"...blankets, extra food stuffs, etc. As he climbs, he begins to drop those comfort items one by one. When he reaches the top, just as the wiser climbers had tried to tell him, he only has the absolutely necessary things with him. The rest of his "baggage" had to be let go of as he made his climb. That's my struggle Lord.
I suppose that is every Christian's struggle. I sometimes get so weary carrying all this extra baggage: debt, pride, selfishness, gluttony, lust, greed, covetousness... But just like the mountain climber, all I have to do is leave those things behind. Less weight, less to hold me back from the thing my heart wants most....to run for you! I get so overwhelmed sometimes thinking about how badly I want to do something amazing...like this radical Christian life lays just a step or two ahead of me...only slightly out of reach. Yet the verse that keeps my heart still is, "It is not good to have zeal without knowledge nor to be hasty and miss the way." I don't want to run ahead of you, Lord. You know what that's done to me before. I don't want to miss Your way for me. So I'll keep dropping the baggage with your help. You know how stubborn my grip can be on these unnecessary and destructive things.
But Lord, I absolutely love you. It will never be the kind of love you deserve...I'm not capable of such perfection, but with all that I am, my life is yours. For whatever my paltry offering can be in your hands, I put it there. Keep me teachable. Keep molding me. Keep loving me like no one else can - only You! And use me Lord. There is a lost and lonely world out there who doesn't even realize that what / who they are looking for can all be satisfied in You (and won't be satisfied any other way). Use me to reach them. Use my life, my pain, my journey to help them climb this mountain too. Show the world, through what You've done in me, that the climb is worth it! YOU are worth it! Though the words are completely inadequate, Lord...Thank you! Thank you for saving a wretch like me.
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