It is no secret here on my blog that I struggle, like I'm sure any wife struggles, with being the kind of wife that is godly and honoring to the Lord and her husband. Personally, it helps me to "think aloud" and in that out-loud process, I find it easier to align my thoughts and attitudes to scripture.
In this endeavor to be transformed by the renewing of my mind into the wife I know God longs for me to be, I am facing my biggest challenge yet: Letting my speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that I may know how I ought to answer each one (Col 4:6), not passing judgment on one another (Ro 14:13) and not letting any corrupt communication proceed out of my mouth, but that which is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearer (Eph 4:29). I can see that any Christian who has been blessed with conviction over these verses would struggle with obedience. Living in America where we hold our freedoms above everything else, it is contrary to all we have been taught by the culture to avoid the freedom to speak, to not demand to be heard but rather listen, and to filter anything outgoing through the Spirit of God Himself so that nothing is corrupt. Not an easy task by any means. My means is nothing short of the grace of God at work in me through the Holy Spirit residing in me.
Dependency doesn't come naturally to me an everything in me usually refuses it. Dependency in the past has equated to pain and in my flesh I avoid pain. Who wants to suffer? Paul is one of my biblical heroes. A man used of God to deliver messages that encourage us to see pain and suffering as a joyful and welcomed experience because only in our suffering do we really draw the closest to our Heavenly Father! So, as God has granted me a willing spirit, I head straight into a period of suffering and pain. The hurt comes from crucifying my flesh, yielding to the Word of God that says to depend on Him to overcome evil with good and be directed by Him.
Another thing that doesn't come naturally AT ALL is not talking! I am amazed at the sheer volume of words I can manage in a day's time. In this endeavor of obedience though, a tight rein on my tongue is absolutely necessary. So as the Lord gives me the grace, one by one, these areas which I find a loose tongue will "feel the crack down" so to speak. I've identified some things that I respond to verbally in my relationship with my husband that I can no longer respond to that way. God says that a husband is won over by a gentle and quiet spirit that DEMONSTRATES godliness, NOT a wife that talks about what the bible says and tries to persuade with eloquent and verbose speeches or well devised, heart-probing questions.
It never fails that all of my struggles come back to a crucifixion of self: selfishness and pride...original sin pervades all of the shortcomings I experience in seeking to be obedient. How grateful I am for His promises that the war I experience in this life has already been completely won by Him! How awe-inspiring to know that I can't accomplish one bit of any of this apart from God's work in me! After 7 years of walking with the Lord, I still cannot articulate how it is that God works in me. I don't know how to explain how the equation of surrender plus His Spirit equals obedience, freedom from sin, and more blessings than I can count. But I guess there isn't much need for explanation. It is what it is and rather than question, I suppose my gratitude is response enough.
Lord, thank you for your work in me. Thank you that you have chosen me and taken me from the farthest reaches of the earth and made me your own. I am amazed at your love for me. Here at your throne I ask that you help me to learn to hold my tongue, to speak only words that edify and honor you, and to crucify my flesh. Help me to be like Jesus who laid down his life in obedience to you for the benefit of others. Stop me from thinking about my "needs" because your word says that YOU will meet my needs. I only need concern myself with loving you - to love you means that I will obey you. And Lord, I know there is no better place, no freer place to be than in line with your word, in obedience. There, I find security...your love, your adoration, and I find you lifting me up to soar on wings like eagles. Help me be there, Lord. Help me get to that place where I submit to you in all things, where my speech and my behavior reflect your character and I am a blessing to my husband and my son. Where I am a glory to You. I ask in the Name of Jesus. Amen.
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