Not sure how it is when I feel the worse is when I'm most inspired to write, but I find myself draw to the writing board today despite my tumultuous emotions. My topic...family (well sort of). Family seems to be the most pressing thing on my mind today. First of all, I guess, because family is always the first target for my moodiness. Second, because they are always a pressing topic on my heart! :D
Lately, I've been concentrating on living out my role as a godly wife and mother. Boy do I find it difficult to do that in my own strength! But silly me, I should know so readily by now that anytime I try to obey scripture in my own strength, I am just acting a fool. I can't obey except by Christ who strengthens me for everything! It is Christ's strength that gives me the ability to be the best wife and mother I can be.
When I started this era of concentration, I started with the small things, namely attention. I have found that I spent way too much time on frivolous, non-productive things when I could have been spending that time with my son. So I've made a more concerted effort to focus on redeeming those moments in the late afternoon and early evening after work (even when I'd rather curl up in bed and do nothing) by playing or interacting with my son or making sure I cook something good for everyone to eat at dinner time. I have discovered sweet little treasures by doing so: Jonathan likes to play dice with me and my brother. I get totally whooped when we play the Wii bowling game! And Jonathan has a knack for remembering odd commercials...I've also noticed the oddest commercials coming between his Wow Wow Wubzy and Go Diego Go and Dora shows...come on people! What's with the ads? But anyway....Jonathan is a lot of fun. He also keeps me thinking VERY hard at checkers. Oh my...a six year old nearly beats me every time at checkers. Just when I think I'm about to lose, he makes a mistake and I win. But I think those days will quickly pass the longer we play. :)
I think the harder part of serving my family is not as a mom; it's as a wife. My husband and I do not see each other much (due to conflicting schedules) and therefore, what time we do have, we spend conversing on what I think are the time-sensitive or superficial levels. We talk about things that need our immediate attention and those things that seems to make up polite conversation. Lately I've found myself giving into bitterness and resentment over small things that shouldn't bother me. And with those seeds of bitterness and resentment comes a hardened heart that does not lend itself to service. So in the end, I am at war with myself and unsure of how to meet my goal of effective and loving service as a wife when there is a mountain of pain in front of me. Not because my husband has hurt me, but because bitterness and resentment are sins and sin = pain.
As I go through our church's mentoring materials, I've been challenged every day to live by faith. Faith is choosing to live as though the bible were true regardless of circumstances, emotions or cultural trends. THAT definition has rocked my world and my walk with the Lord for the past year. Lately though, I've been trying to live that out. I've been trying to apply Philippians 4:8 to my relationship with my husband and think about only the positive things. I've been trying to take my thoughts captive into the obedience of Christ. I've been asking the Lord to examine my ways and test them. I've been asking for grace to live out Romans 14:13 ' Therefore let us stop passing judgement on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way." And Ephesians 4:29, "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers." and verse 32 of the same chapter in Ephesians says "be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you." Does anyone else see how impossible it is to obey the scriptures, to walk by faith, if you tried to do it in your own power?
I can't be a good wife unless I operate by the power of the Holy Spirit. So I'm asking today that the Lord would grant me grace and mercy by the Power of the Holy Spirit to love like He loves. To serve like He serves. To speak graciously. To not judge. To edify. To be tenderhearted. To be forgiving. To put my husband before myself and stop being selfish and self-centered. Today is another day of battling my flesh and today, I'm tired. So, Lord, please be my strength and my shield, my portion and my cup that overflows!! I love you so much! Thank you for all that you are to me!
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