For the last month and a half, I have wandered away from the intimacy I usually enjoy with my Jesus. We all seem to do that from time to time, but knowing that never eases any of my disappointment or frustration at the realization I have "done it again". So here I am, "waking up" to the fact that I have dug myself into another pit. I am rather analytical by nature, so the past few days have been spent analyzing what happened and how I got here. I think I was actually hoping to find some new stumbling block or sneaky trick up the sleeve of my enemy, but nope! No new tricks. Just the same old stumbling blocks that trip me up every time...
Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. 1 John 2:15-16
Pride.
The definition of pride is "Proper respect for one's own dignity and worth; pleasure or satisfaction over something done, achieved, owned". For so long, I have underestimated pride. But again, I think we all seem to do that. With pride, we see some pride positively (applauding accomplishments and progress) and some negatively (criticizing outright bragging, boasting and excessive arrogance). Yet, God makes no distinction between "good pride" and "bad pride"...he always puts pride in the category of sin.
Pride is, in it's base form, self-worship. If we understand ourselves in light of His word, then we can hardly "respect our own dignity and worth". The only worth we have is because God loves us. In and of ourselves, there is nothing admirable, nothing good, nothing worthy! But God loves us just the same. An accurate understanding of our complete depravity is completely incongruent with any sense of self-worth or personal dignity. Humility, however, IS the natural response to understanding the truth of our humanity apart from Jesus Christ. And knowing God in His splendor and majesty for all He's created and all He's done will go a long way to remind us that there is NOTHING we have done or achieved apart from Him. We cannot even breathe apart from His grace. And certainly, God owns the cattle on a thousand hills...the entirety of creation belongs to Him! We own nothing. We bring nothing into this world and we shall bring nothing out!
So how has pride gotten me into trouble - AGAIN? Comparing myself to others, thinking more highly of myself than I ought to (in the name of 'confidence' and 'dignity'), thinking I achieved, could achieve or owned something, and a host of other ways has led me down the crooked path of pride straight into a pit!
See, pride, like any other sin, is enslaving. In those moments I am comparing myself to other wives and mothers or just other women, I step into the trap of a worldly standard. Suddenly other women's lives are better, they have things I want, they are more "together", and they do almost everything better than me. But now you say, "But Shannon...that isn't pride, is it?" Are you sure? Is my concern and comparison not motivated by self-dignity and a desire to achieve or own something? I can also boost my ego by thinking "I don't have it as bad as..... I've made better choices than.... My life isn't like.... " etc, etc, etc. The sin of pride is about the heart's selfish motivations.
What is the cure for pride? Repentance, forgiveness, and a good dose of humility. All of that can be found culminating in gratitude. We just came through the "Thanksgiving Season", in which many of us are finding ways to express our gratitude. There is little else that I can think of that more effectively remedies a proud heart faster than finding yourself face to face with your own depravity and looking around to see all that God has blessed you with. Air to breathe, a day to live and serve Him, family, friends, perhaps a job, a home, a car, running water, clothes, entertainment, a country without lethal persecution for religious preferences...the blessings are as countless as grains of sand on a beach. We don't own whatever we seem to have. We can't achieve anything outside of His grace. We can't even live apart from God's grace. Realizing that, like newborn babes, we are helpless, defenseless, and hopeless apart from Jesus Christ, humility has ground to grow in the light of gratitude and praise for such a tender, loving and compassionate God as our Father!
So I find myself at least with a path laid out before me to get away from this dark place in which I find myself. I'm still struggling though. Pride has roots that have grown into every area of my life. I am struggling with my attitude toward my husband (the opposite of submissive, let me tell you!), with finances, with discipline and self-control, and with so many other things as well. All these struggles blossomed out of my pride. I lost sight of how small I am and how BIG my Father is. I lost sight of how helpless and hopeless I am without Him. So I am praying for the Lord to heal my broken, sinful heart. I am praying He'll plow up the hardened soil of my heart and gratitude will take root instead.
What about you? Where is your heart with regard to accurately seeing your depraved self in light of a Holy, Perfect, and Just God? How much room does humility have in your perspective? How grateful are you for the very breath in your lungs right now? Let us not forget...
Proverbs 29:23, "A man's pride brings him low; but a man of lowly spirit gains honor." ...gotta love God's economy!
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