I am a bit frustrated. I have been "chewing" on this concept of grace and reflecting on the fact that I do not experience it the way I believe believers should experience grace! God has given me this undeserved, eternal, and unbelievable gift of life and relationship with Him. How does that not motivate me to live and walk in His unconditional love? Instead, I find myself trapped all too often in performance and legalistic adherence to rules.
What is it that I am holding to that is preventing me from moving under this umbrella of perfect love? I see it as the motivation to serve out of love and adoration rather than fear of condemnation. I see it as the motivation to obey out of love, not to avoid punishment or negative consequences. I see it as the power that changes me from the inside out... or perhaps I am at least trying to see it that way.
It seems this endeavor of mine to experience grace is rubbing against my idea of faith being about what I know rather than what I feel or experience. Experiencing grace, though, seems to be the concept of practical application of what I know to be true in the scriptures. Yet, here I am, knowing what I know to be true and STILL not experiencing grace. What am I missing?
Father, I am sorry that in so many ways, I am proud. Seeking to be self-sufficient....as if I can get some kind of handout from you and go on with life in my own strength. I cannot. You give me the very breath my lungs take in. You contract the very chambers of my heart that keep my body going. You created this day before me and orchestrated all the details of people, places and things in my life. Trouble gets sifted through your fingers in such a way that my depraved heart is molded and transformed into your likeness. I am sorry that I fail to see you in the light of Truth...how magnificent, majestic, mighty, and marvelous you are! I am sorry that the love you have extended me through Your Son is lost on this wretch of a woman that I am. Please open the eyes of my heart. Humble me and show me what it means to really and truly experience your grace in such a way my heart and life are radically changed. Whatever it takes to pry the deceit from this wretched sinner! Make me like your Son, Lord.
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