Reality Sets In

I feel like I'm losing my mind...

One minute I can hold it together and the world seems almost normal...the next minute I break down in gut-wrenching sobs. The pain runs so deep that every time I try to plug the wound, it feels like I'm trying to put a band aid over a sucking chest wound. I hate this. I hate this whole process. I hate the back and forth swing of my emotions and that I don't know what to think. I hate that I can't stop crying long enough to hear what God wants to say to my heart.

Sometimes little things like "my grace is sufficient" seep through. Sometimes "keep pressing on toward the goal"...sometimes "be still and know that I am God"...sometimes "weeping is but for a night and rejoicing comes in the morning"...sometimes "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit". I guess they are not "little" things, but "big" things. I serve a Big and Mighty God. I have a Mighty God Who Saves!! But see...saying it, thinking it and truly believing it are way different things.

See...I can say of a chair...this is sturdy oak...fine craftsmanship...perfect detail....solidly built....will last a long time. But if I don't sit in the chair, my "faith" in the details seems rather meaningless. At this moment in my life...I have to sit in the chair of real Christianity. I have to ACTIVELY trust my Father in Heaven for my whole world...my life...the very air I breathe...for the strength to even get out of bed in the morning....to smile when my insides are dying.

It seems I have this love/hate relationship with the valley. I want to be like Paul who says "count it all joy", and one minute I seem to be capable of doing that, and the next I can't. One minute I'm trudging through the darkness with confidence and the next I'm cowering in the corner struck with paralyzing fear.

I guess this is where the "rubber meets the road" so to speak. I guess this is where true faith shines and the fake stuff gets burned away. I know being sharpened hurts. I know being sharpened is worth it. But I'm - if I may be so blunt in saying so - struggling with the flesh that says, "Isn't there some other way?"

Like Jesus in the garden....if it were possible, let this cup pass from me! I'm certainly not Jesus, but I wonder if He felt things that I am feeling. Did he feel abandoned? Did he feel fearful? Uncertain? Angry? Hurt? I guess since the bible commands "do not fear" and Jesus is without sin, He probably trusted His father and didn't fear. That must be my flesh alone. I don't know. I guess this whole blog I'm thinking "out loud"...it's what I do. Reality has set in and it's time to be real. Where is my real, genuine faith in my God? Do I really trust Him? Do I have any other choice but to trust Him?