Happy New Year

The new year brings with it a sense of renewal and starting fresh. It gives people a chance to implement changes and bring about something "better". Making new year's resolutions isn't exactly my thing, but I do like to set goals for each year, so I guess it's essentially the same thing! So here goes...my goals for this coming year (in no particular order):

* Successfully complete the "pre-baby" financial plan that leaves us with only a little to pay on our car and the student loans (all other debts PAID IN FULL).

* Finish 3 complete bible study series

* Read at least one book per month

* Stay on the advanced diet throughout the year (to keep myself from gaining too much weight during pregnancy and aiding in weight loss after the baby is born)

* Implement healthy habits: daily bible study, regular exercise, overall healthy diet, chore completion, and regular relaxation

* (this is probably my most important goal) Live joyfully! I want to enjoy the Lord, enjoy my family and friends and deeply love the life God has given me. Grace is the key to that...so this year - I'm taking an active role in learning to embrace grace and live joyfully!

There you have it! Goals set, new year off to a great start, and as always, so much to look forward to because the Lord is so gracious! Even if today was my last day on earth...heaven looks better every single day!! Can hardly wait to spend eternity with my Savior!

BIG GIVE

WOW! I am so blown away by God's multiplication! Each year our church gives out tens of thousands of dollars asking each member that takes an envelope to use what the Lord has given them to multiply it for the Lord's work! Our family received a hefty $40 this year! Our original idea was to make ornate Christmas decorations! However, the project frustratingly flopped and we were left with baking cookies.

At first, I really believed it would be very difficult to get much of a return on investment from cookies. I know my close friends and family like my cookies, but I just "knew" they would difficult to sell. First off - we're entering the baking streak rather late. So many are already sugared-out from the holiday rush. And so many of our friends were doing their own 'BIG GIVE' projects. I was prematurely disappointed looking down the road at what we would be able to give back. My thoughts circled the phrase "you wicked servant", but we opted not to bury the money. We were going to give this cookie box idea our best effort and leave the results up to God!

WOW! In less than 48 hours I have so many dozens of cookies to bake, it's CRAZY!!! But what's crazier is the fact we'll surely have more than doubled our offering! I can only imagine how the Lord will bless the various ministries all because we showed up to try!

Sandusky: A Call for Parental Awareness

I have been more than horrified as I read the unfolding of the Penn State Sandusky Sex Abuse Scandal in the media headlines for the past couple of weeks. I know personally how awful, shameful and deep the wounds of childhood sexual abuse are. What compounds those wounds are nearby trusted adults who know and do nothing to stop it. To feel trapped and isolated in the most terrifying nightmare imaginable...my heart hurts all over again to read about these children who suffered at the hands of this trusted and idolized coach.

Aside from the headache, heartache and stomach pains, what could parents take away from this media drama playing out in front of us? AWARENESS. If nothing else, I hope parents realize that none of us wants to think that a great coach or a special teacher would ever dream of hurting our children. That friendly neighbor or older teen who seems to be doing so much to help our children....they couldn't...they wouldn't....or could they? The truth is...no one can really know the complete heart of another individual...no matter how well you know them. And abusers are a much higher percentage of our population than any of us care to admit.

The bottom line for parents is that our job...the very innate purpose in the title "parent"... is protector. God has given us children to protect them. We can't shield them from every hurt or sinful person in this world, but we can be reasonable and cautious parents who equip our children to live mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy lives. We can lay down the denial of "it won't happen to our family" and take up guard over our children. I learned a great deal from a mom-to-mom class about sexual predators. I instituted some guidelines for my own home based on what I learned:

1) We don't have "cute names" for body parts. Every body part goes by it's name - including sexual genitalia. I do my best to provide a home environment where all body parts are given the same respect in conversation. My son can tell me about his penis the same as he tells me about his knee. I do my best to let him know that there is no shame in what God has given him and although we have a reverence for sex, he needn't be shy about asking questions, making observations or otherwise understanding his own body in a healthy way.

2) Modesty and ownership of private parts was instilled at the earliest age possible. I stopped washing my son as soon as he could do it himself and I avoided touching him skin to skin in the bathing environment. So by 3 years old when he began to be aware of his own body, it was his to own, his to wash, and we talked openly about that. My goal was to help him be comfortable in his own skin and to know that modesty was okay. No one, no even me, had the right to demand to see or touch anything...his body was his body. Even healthy, playful physical interactions are limited to his direction. If I tickle his neck (he's very ticklish right around his collar bone), and he says stop, I immediately respect his wishes. Now that he's getting old enough to understand right and wrong, we are also having conversations about him being able to stand up for himself and say no, even to people in positions of authority or in situations when he's scared to say no.

3) Hygiene is open for discussion no matter how "embarrassing" something might be. Starting early, I hope, has given my son permission to talk about anything without being embarrassed by it. We talk about the fact that erections are normal and resolve themselves. We talk about the importance of washing our bodies and brushing our teeth. It's not over-emphasized, but stated from time to time so that my son knows he doesn't have to be embarrassed by things he doesn't understand and that he can ask questions and expect to be treated with respect in my giving him an answer.

4) Feelings - from an early age, we talked about feelings...sad, happy, excited, scared, embarrassed, etc. I think it's especially difficult for boys to identify emotions, so I wanted to make sure those words were in his vocabulary and that he knew he could be feel something without being told it wasn't appropriate. As a child and adolescent, I recall rather often being told how to feel about something. It is crucial for my son to be able to say he's scared without being made to feel guilty that somehow he shouldn't be scared of whatever it is. If he's scared, we talk about what he's thinking...why is he scared? I don't scoff or laugh or otherwise indicate whether he should or shouldn't be feeling that way. I don't want an abuser being able to manipulate fear because my son has been conditioned to think that he can't be scared when deep inside he really is afraid.

5) I ask questions. From time to time, I ask my son pointed, direct questions about whether or not he feels scared about someone in school or at church. I've had him answer yes a time or two. Thankfully it revolved around a student who decided it would be funny to turn the lights off in the bathroom and not something more sinister, but the point is - my son was okay to tell me that. I ask him if anyone has ever touched his private parts or asked him to touch theirs. Once I got a confession that someone flashed him their buttocks in the bathroom. It was boys horsing around in the bathroom, but again, my son knew it was okay to tell me that and we talked about how he responded, how he felt and if he could/should do anything different if something like that happened again. It was a good conversation about equipping him to deal with uncomfortable or unusual situations.

6) No sleep-overs. I've caught a lot of flack for this one. Most parents think this is going too far, but I honestly don't care what they think. I know that I can't - CAN'T - know any other person through and through to the point that I can guarantee they couldn't / wouldn't abuse my child. There are a few select people that babysit my son, but he won't be heading to a friend's house to stay the night. How many parents are regretting the fact that they let their children sleep over in the basement of Jerry Sandusky through the years? Did they ever think in a million years their child would be hurt? I'm sure they didn't. But now, looks like they were wrong. That isn't a risk I'm willing to take with the welfare and safety of my child. The benefits of sleep-overs in the social circles in no way outweighs the potential risk and harm that one mistake could have on my child. One person misjudged as a good and safe person and my child is scarred for life - for LIFE! No sleep-over experience is worth it. I think it's a fair limitation to potential abuse opportunities to avoid those over-night situations.

I can't protect my child from everything. But I have taken a philosophy of building as much trust as humanly possible between my child and me, equipping him to the best of my ability to face uncomfortable situations with confidence, and taking reasonable precautions about his whereabouts and what he does with whom. I think that is all any parent can do. I'd rather be painted as unreasonable for no sleep-overs and crazy for my caution than have to live with the pain of watching my child suffer the aftermath of sexual abuse that could have been prevented by my awareness or stopped sooner had my child been able to trust me enough with the information.

So rather than just decry the world an evil place and yet pretend that our kids won't be victims, I think it's the job of every parent to do what they can. Be cautious about your children's friends and do your best to investigate the relationships between him/her and the adults around them. Build the trust in your own relationship so that every child knows they can talk about uncomfortable and scary things with you - be the safe place your child can land. Instill modesty and reverence for their bodies and other's bodies and a confidence to say "no" even to authority figures when something "isn't right". I'm not advocating we all lock our kids up in bubbles, but let's not put our own heads in the sand either. Be proactive parents who take the job of protection seriously.

I have read most of this online book and although I season it's advice with a Christian worldview, it seems to be sound advice for the average parent!

http://keepyourchildsafe.org/aspwpadmin/stattrack/downloads/sexualabusepreventionREV.pdf

Veteran's Day: A Personal Reflection

Every fourth of July and Veteran's day is a sobering reminder of my time as a US Marine. Most of the people I know met me long after I left the Marines, so some do not even know that I was there. For many years, I felt that I hadn't really even earned the right to say I had been there, that I was a US Marine. I didn't even finish my school tour in 29 Palms due to a medical discharge. The only thing I felt I could say I had accomplished while "serving" was crossing the parade deck of Parris Island. THAT I was proud of. But the stage of life I was in during my time as a Marine was tainted with so much personal turmoil that it has been very hard to separate the honor and privilege it was to serve my country (even in peace time) from the heartache that I knew in day-to-day life and relationships.

It was not until about mid-way through basic training that I realized what I was even doing there. Chanting "kill, kill, kill" to the beat of boots marching in formation brought to mind the stark reality that this was real...I was training for war. I was training to defend my countrymen, defend our freedom, to kill if necessary any enemy - foreign or domestic - in order to protect America and what she stands for: Freedom. I was part of the continuation of generations of soldiers who would lay down their lives for this country. I remember the pride of learning all I could in how to be the best Marine I could be. The history, the physical discipline, weapon's training, tactics, equipment....As a woman, I knew that being a Marine would mean going above and beyond to prove myself in what had always been a man's world. Each week, each task learned, each accomplishment that brought me closer to the day I would graduate a member of the United States Marine Corps was exciting and heady in a way that only those who have gone there themselves would understand.

The first clash of my professional and personal lives came on the rifle range. A letter from my sister brought devasting news from home - news that required several women to hold me back from walking off the island and using my training to defend against a domestic enemy. It wasn't the only letter I received in my years as a Marine. It wasn't the only bad news. It wasn't the only heartbreak. And even though my time as a Marine was overshadowed so often by personal tragedy, I still carry with me the memories, the pride of a sharply pressed uniform, a ready weapon, and a head held high. I still have the heart of protection that aches for those who can't defend themselves against the enemy - be that enemy foreign or domestic. I might have traded in my M-16 for God's word, but I didn't trade in my discipline to make sure I maintain that "expert" level when using my weapon against those enemies wherever the front line be drawn.

I am a soldier. Training in the Marines prepared me to be part of God's Corps, even if it seemed to be spent discovering every flaw, every weakness and every failure within me. Just like in bootcamp, I had to learn to die to myself and live and train for someone else...for the good of the group. It taught me that doing that is hard work and takes a great deal of sacrifice. But it's worth it. The blood, sweat and tears are worth it. So while I can't say my time served looked anything like most veterans, I can say that I was there to fight for my country and to serve. In the end, God used my many failures to make me a better soldier...a better weapon in HIS hands instead of the hands of the US government. Learning that over the past couple of years, I can now hold my head high on days like Veteran's Day. Because I am still a soldier. My weapon is still ready, my training still ongoing, my delusion of peace time gone and a picture of the war at hand....I am His soldier.

So I do stand up, head held high in the confidence of who He made me to be and I give rightly due respect, my prayers and my support to every Veteran who is and has gone before me. For the lives who been lost to the ravages of war...for the men and women who have sacrificed to defend against all enemies - foreign or domestic....I salute you. May the courage of this generation and the generations to come not waiver. May we draw strength from the the Lord and from those who have gone before us. It is more than a cliche slogan or a nice bumper sticker to me, when I say this, I mean it with all my heart - God please bless America and it's people.

Semper Fidelis,
Shannon Wright

Life Today

Well, it's November! Cooler weather is settling in and I'm about 15 weeks along in this pregnancy. I have another appointment with my midwife tomorrow. I like the fact that this pregnancy has been so uneventful. My worst symptom was being horribly tired the first trimester. Even that has lessened almost back to normal and I have a pretty easy pregnancy on my hands!

This little baby hasn't even arrived on the scene and we have so many changes happening in our family. Shea and I have been very concerned about how the finances are going to work with a baby being added. In our current budget, there is no way to pay for daycare and no way for either of us not to work. It spelled a pretty bleak outlook until we made some significant changes. The first of which was selling our second vehicle. Shea graciously rode the bus for a while until a friend of ours offered to lend us their second car that wasn't being used. During the bus era, Jonathan suffered the most I think. It sucked the life out of what little family time we had with two working parents. Now that we're back to a better schedule, that stress is lessening and we're seeing improvement.

However, as I find us struggling to create a family friendly routine to follow each day - complete with quality/quantity time, chore completion, homework and all the rest - I realize how difficult it is to develop these good habits in a short period of time. Consistency has not historically been "my thing", but it's slowly getting better. This attempt at a routine is really pushing me in respect to consistency though. We sat down about a week ago and completed a family chore chart! My husband has been amazing in getting his done, and quite frankly he has the tightest schedule! I feel guilty and ashamed when I see how few of my own chores are being done according to this new schedule. But we keep pushing. Today is a new day and prayerfully by bedtime, I'll see my list's end!

Being that it's November, and such a wonderful time to think on all the many things we have to be thankful for, I can't help but realize how "easy" life is right now. We have some minor challenges that are continuing to mold our character in the likeness of our Savior, but overall, it's "peacetime" to a certain degree. Which, quite honestly makes me a little nervous. Peacetime in the spiritual sense rarely lasts long and usually heads us right into the next big challenge of life. So, it's a daily choice to keep my eyes on the here and now. To enjoy the Lord's embrace and lack of deep cutting on my soul for the moment! When the tomorrow comes that He resumes more arduous work on my "much in need of sanctification" heart...we'll..."cross that bridge when we come to it".

For now, I'm just working to adjust to the little challenges, praying for Grace to keep praying and studying His word as I should, invest in my family in the most meaningful way, and keep my eyes open for those opportunities to serve those around me. What a blessed life it is today!

Telling Jonathan About the Baby

I had to make this a separate little note because Jonathan is just so precious. Shortly after Shea and I got married, Jonathan began asking for a little brother. Sometimes, he asked for two. As time went on, his pleas were even more desperate..."When can I have a little brother OR a sister?" Bless his heart, he just didn't want to be an only child anymore. He wanted a sibling! Our answer to him was always to pray. God is the giver of such blessings and we had limited (much more than originally thought) control over the when and how of our family being expanded.

So Jonathan did pray. He prayed all the time. For weeks and months, it seemed almost daily, he asked "Do we have a baby yet?" During an altar call at church, Jonathan went forward, but not to pray for salvation. He told Pastor Chris he wanted to pray for babies. Needless to say, I had some explaining to do on that one.

But Jonathan kept praying and kept asking. Years have gone by and we had continued to tell him to pray with our answer always being "not yet". So when my pregnancy test came back, unexpectedly, "pregnant", I had to smile at God's tender answer to a little boy's heart felt prayer over the past several years.

I waited until that Friday evening to share the news with my husband and then we sat Jonathan down to tell him the news. Reminding Jonathan of his many prayers, we told him "We're having a baby!" Jumping to his feet with a squeal he shouted, "FINALLY! It has taken FOREVER!" What an amazing thing to see. Even though Jonathan is not saved yet, I see how God is tenderly wooing his strong-willed, independent heart. It fuels my own heart to continue praying and more fervently pray, for his salvation. Wish I would have video-taped the breaking of the news to Jonathan, but hopefully this little online footprint will serve to remind us what a precious moment this was for prayer to be answered!

Life!

I think it humorous now that I had such a concrete, logical plan for our family expansion that surely this was what God wanted. Next year, Shea and I would begin the process of adopting a child through the foster care system. We would get a little boy about 5-7 years old. It would keep me working for a little while longer while we completed the process of getting out of debt. It would also give Jonathan the little brother he has been praying for ever since Shea and I got married. And all the pieces would just fit together so well.

HA!

I think God must get a huge laugh when I get my mind fixed on some plan I have. "Many are the plans in a mans heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21 Our family was such a plan. My husband and I had many plans in our hearts. I so desperately wanted to stay at home and be just a wife and mother. My husband has career and financial goals. We both are so eager to get to the other side of our debt mountain and see it cleared once and for all. We thought having six children sounded delightfully challenging and wonderful all at the same time. We are truly big dreamers, he and I! Perhaps that is one reason we go so well together. Yet, the truth of scripture prevails. Regardless of our plans, God had His own purpose and plan in place and once again...it didn't match ours!

Friday, September 2nd, I finally couldn't wait any longer for the inevitable monthly cycle to start. I was several days late at this point...something was going on. At 12:30am I woke up and couldn't help myself...it was morning, let's take a pregnancy test! I watched rather nervously as the hourglass on the digital display went round and round, letting me know the test was working. Within what seemed like - I don't know ETERNITY - the reading popped up "PREGNANT". I was expecting to be scared and anxious and I don't know what. Instead, I felt like a giggly school-girl. A huge smile came across my face and I was happy! I was more than happy! I was ecstatic! Which, honestly, didn't make a lick of sense. How in the world were we going to afford a baby? We had at least 18 more months worth of debt to settle!

So thus begins our journey of ditching the plans and seeing what God has in store for us instead. Our heart convictions remain. I belong at home with our children, taking care of our home. My husband is and will continue to be an amazing provider. As far as the debt, God help us, enough of the mountain will be scaled and conquered by the time this baby comes, that we will continue to pay our bills without issue. At this point, we are just taking a day at a time and praying that God would lead us through this new and exciting chapter of our lives!

Waiting on You Lord.

It feels like a lifetime has passed since I was last able to sit down and write my heart. Rather than write some lesson learned, I wanted to put down my aching prayer. It is a lesson I certainly NEED to learn, prayerfully AM learning, but no, admittedly NOT YET learned.

Lord, I need you to rescue me. Someone on the radio sings those words and the song plays over in my head. I really and truly need you to rescue me. Whenever my faith gets super, duper weak, my thinking is all muddled and my fleshly heart starts to run the show - tossing me this way and that with every whim of emotion. I am in such rebellion Lord. So many un-repented of sins. My heart is so hard and I can feel it. I know it. Stubbornness that almost dares you to discipline me. Beneath it, I'm waiting for you to stop loving me, I guess. Like I somehow earned your love before now with my "good behavior". HA! Intellectually, I know that to be a big fat falsehood...but deep down...where no one sees but you...there is a part of me still unconvinced you really love me...just because.

Why does it keep coming back to that? I know it isn't true...but somehow this is where we end up. Me in utter disobedience, daring you to walk away like everyone else in my life. Trying to show you what a waste of goodness you would spend on me. Then there is my propensity to wallow in analytical stagnation over every problem that comes my way. It seems I never get past the analysis to a solution for whatever the ailment. Fear, laziness...? I am unsure of exactly what plagues me each time, but whatever the issue...I run in unproductive circles.

So here I am Lord. YOUR beautiful mess. Give me eyes to see how you see. A heart that thinks and wants what you think and want. Make me over, make me new...another song running in my head. Whatever you do Lord, please, once again, I beg you not to give up on me...to help me become all that you've dreamed for your little girl. Grow me up into the likeness of your Son and please...please don't leave me to my own devices...we've both seen how tragic those can be.

I love you Lord. My Alpha, Omega, beginning and end...I sure could use a word so you can be my "middle" too! ;) My Savior and Friend...my Provider and Counselor. And my sweet Heavenly Father.

Thank you for claiming me...please help me stop running away.

Rescue Me

I have had my faith shaken a time or two and in some serious ways...ways in which it could have been the end of being a Christian. Yet, somehow, the Lord managed to lead me away from the edge of the cliff before the plunge and my faith was stronger than ever.

I feel like I am on that edge again.

Peering down, I see the hopelessness of circumstances beyond my control to change. I see no path to the places for which God has put such strong desires in my heart. It feels like I'm stuck and to boot, I'm wallowing in sin. Somehow my desire to not sin seems to wane with every passing day. Every failure compounds the guilt and makes it heavier. Every day that passes without so much as one seemingly small success in the areas I continue to struggle just keeps reinforcing this notion that "there just isn't any point to this". Sure, I tell myself all the pretty bible verses that used to give me hope and inspiration, but what was once life-giving seems to heap hot coals of condemnation on my already heavy-laden head. What once held such optimism for a "new day" now wakes me up with a deep, gnawing sense of pessimism.

What does one do at this point? Do I jump off the edge, leaving behind all that has held me safe and secure? Do I give up all that has brought peace and sense to life? When faith stops working, should that faith be discarded - even with no alternative in sight?

The answer is a resounding NO.

I may not know where I'm going anymore or how I'll get there. I may not see hope in the midst of these circumstances. I may feel lost and abandoned by the One who promised He would never leave nor forsake me. It may even be that I no longer see a resemblance between me and what I thought a Christian should at least sort of look like. But the very definition of faith rests not in what I feel, what I know, or what I can see. It rests in Him. It is choosing to live as though the bible were true, regardless of circumstances, emotions or cultural trends. Even if all I have left is barely the will to choose it.

I don't know how to get myself off the cliff. So rather than try to rescue myself from yet another awful blunder, I will simply wait to be rescued. I don't know how to "seek Him" right now. I don't know how to "give my heart" over to Him right now. I don't even think I know where to start when it comes to repenting right now. The pit is just too deep.

So Lord, although the list seems endless for the ways in which I have rebelled and tried to do life on my own in my own way, I've realized - YET AGAIN - that that doesn't work and I have fallen pretty badly. All I have done is sin against you day in and day out. I got prideful in my moments of "spirituality" and took credit for righteousness not my own, only to end up here. In a place of despair with a horrible record player of condemnation playing in my head every minute of every day. My thoughts are so awful and somehow my faith has been shaken to the very core. I've lost sight of you Beloved. I don't know how to find my way back to you. Please rescue me. Please come find me on my cliff of insanity and walk me down. Walk me back to the place where order still exists, where hope abounds and love heals. The place where I belong - with You. I'm waiting Lord. I'm waiting right here for you to rescue me.

People Over Stuff

Philippians 2:4 "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourself, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others."

So it's 4am and I can't sleep. I woke up with a stiff neck and for some odd reason began to think and pray about some things God has recently put on my heart. I am a stiff-necked person! And it's not just a literal thing, it's also a spiritual thing. God called his children 'stiff-necked' on more than a few occasions because they kept falling into disobedience. As His child, oh how I am prone to disobedience!

Recently, it's been about people. I have been taking stock in all of my relationships. My husband and son mean the world to me. Yet, ashamedly, I find myself putting more energy into stuff than these people whom I say I love. I worry over the endless household chores to be done. I complain about my endless "to do" list. After my "to do list", I focus on entertaining myself with online games, books, movies and whatever seems to be my mode of "relaxation" for that day. I consider myself, my needs, my wants, my....my....my....you get the picture. Unadulterated selfishness!

So...what is there to do about selfishness? Two words - Kill it. Crucifying the flesh is a common new-testament encouragement by the apostle Paul. When dealing with sin, there is no other answer than to crucify it - put it on the cross with Jesus Christ and die to self. Oh...easy in concept...not so easy in real life.

In the last week, God has reminded me that my ministry is my husband, to whom I am to give respect and attention. Words that come so easily to my tongue must be tamed to only build him up and not tear him down - do I think before I speak? Saying "I love you" should not be just words though. My attitude should not convey annoyance or irritation, but joy and gratitude for all he brings to my life - prompting me to serve him with a happy heart instead of complaining. My ministry is my son. This precious child needs me to stop what I'm doing, leave the chores for another time, and NOT do the things I'd like to do, in order that I may show him what God is really like - available, unconditional in love and absolutely crazy about him. The TV, games, and other activities should be ways to bring us together - not serve as ways to "babysit" him while I "get things done". Another part of my ministry is the neighborhood children God has placed in our lives. Desperate for love and attention and truth, ministry means inviting them in when it's less than convenient for me. It means showing kindness and hospitality even if that equals ratcheting up the level of chaos that already exists in our house that day. It means cooking some extra food and not caring whether or not the house is in order when they stop by or when they leave. It also means skipping out on the pedicure I've been "dying to get for months and months" so that I don't miss out on the opportunity to feed and witness to the homeless man on the corner...how I desperately wish I had crucified my flesh on that note.

Jesus poured out his life for people, not stuff. He poured his energy into serving His father regardless of the cost. How heart-wrenching to see my life has been poured out more-so for stuff than for people. Missed opportunities will be cause for tears at the end of this life. Yet, while I have breath, there is time for now. There is time for learning and crucifying this wicked flesh. Today, I have life to spend here on this earth. Today, I can choose people over stuff and pour out what Jesus has given to me...His life.

Even at 4am, I am praying that today I will do just that. When my husband awakes, may my tongue greet him with joy. When my son awakes, may my actions speak God's love for Him. When I spend my moments today, may they be in service for each and every person who crosses my path. May each person see a glimpse of Jesus Christ today when they encounter me. May I set aside my schedule, my agenda, my "to do" list, so that intentionality for His work and His people becomes my focus.

Lord, please grant me your grace and crucify my flesh. May the pain and inconvenience of it all be pleasing to your heart and a blessing to your wonderfully and fearfully made people whom I am privileged to meet today.

Whirlwind

Have you ever been swept off your feet by the Lord? That's what it feels like for me this week. Undeserving and unsuspecting that I would be plucked from my comfort zone and taken for an incredible ride, witnessing God's work from the front lines of the battlefield.

Yet, there I was. Unprepared in so many ways and certainly not expecting to receive the war call. But it came and by His grace I answered. He took me to my neighbors house as she struggled to even find value in the next breath she drew in, wrenched with deep and searing family pain. He took me to another neighbor's house to share the deception of a false gospel. He confronted false teachers with the truth of their lies. He comforted children facing chaos and fear.

When the whirlwind slowed, I was revitalized in a way I can barely describe. Matthew 28:19-20 says, "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." In our kids ministry, we've been talking about Nehemiah. His passion for the people and for the mission God gave him along with the current events in my own life has given me a sense of duty - a call if you will. I have a piece of the wall to protect. My home, my neighborhood is a piece of the wall. If I will answer the call to simply surrender to His will and plan for all He has in the works, then I get a glimpse of His glory! That is an incredible prize to say the least!

So God has lit a fire of faith in me. It's hard to imagine that I've left the walls of my neighborhood broken down for so long...rarely sharing with a neighbor and I can't recall one time when I've taken the gospel door to door. I have put up fliers for a prayer hotline (via email), but that was it. A prayer box in the front office received the occasional prayer request, but went by the wayside. So now, people on a mission with false gospels in various forms have taken to knocking on my neighbors' doors. They're spending time, money and effort to share lies with my neighbors. What am I going to do? Am I willing to defend my piece of the wall from the wolves? Am I willing to stand post, sacrifice a little to make sure His Name is proclaimed and people have the chance at eternal life?

Yet, I'm admitting fear. I'm scared at what this will bring. I am prone to major failures following "spiritual highs" like this. And when you're in the Lord's army, you become a target for the enemy. I can literally feel the crosshairs on me. I'm also acutely aware of my flesh. I am a depraved person with a fallen nature that more often than not gets the better of me. It's only by His grace I can manage any sense of goodness. I'm scared for what that means. My friends have given accolades in abundance for these recent victories. People are applauding me. And I feel it...that demon of pride lurking in the shadows of my heart, ready to rear its ugly head and take the glory for what God has done through me. It's awful.

But my hope goes back to Psalm 91:

¹ He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. ^a]">[a]

² I will say ^b]">[b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

³ Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

¹⁰ then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

¹³ You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

¹⁵ He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

¹⁶ With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

But my hope goes back to Psalm 91: It's in His protective arms that I can find refuge and rest. And when I'm weary from the battle, it's Christ in whom I find comfort and solace. He bids me "come". And I can only keep begging for humility in the midst of showers of praise. I can only ask that He keep me acutely aware of my own shortcomings and inadequacies. My constant prayer...please Lord, let me decrease that You might increase. Protect me from the enemy prowling about and protect me from the enemy within.

Everything I'll Ever Need

I have not always been one to praise in the good times. I would certainly love to be that person who is so grateful in the midst of those times when everything is going right. But alas, I have a sin nature like the rest of us and I tend to be a bit more self-centered during the good times. So truthfully, I am grateful that the Lord allows "bad" things to happen so that I am more conscientious of my utter dependency on Him. In the weeks since my husband lost his job, I have found myself much more grateful than when everything was going according to MY plan. I have been grateful for our apartment - it is home after all. I have been grateful each week when we pay our bills that somehow the money pays them all and thus far, not one has been paid late. I have been grateful for my family and the food we eat. I'm grateful that the Lord shows me each and every day how well HE takes care of us.

God has really shown His tenderness and mercy toward us. He's provided for our bills (not all of which I consider needs...there is still considerable debt to paid). He's made it so we can continue our healthcare. He's blessed our efforts to minimize, conserve, and sell. He's even thrown in a gift from a person who bought our freezer. He has made it impossible for me not to see how worthy He is of my trust and adoration. He's taking care of us each and every day! We have nothing to worry about.

It wasn't very many years ago when God lovingly taught me about who He was as my Father. Not ever having had an example of an earthly father who took exceptional care of me, it was more than difficult to believe an intangible God could be one. But day after day, He would speak to my heart and show me how He was my Father. He would hold me when I cried my heart out over not having a husband. He would soothe my loneliness. He would send people who fixed my car, brought me groceries, and babysat my son. He provided a generous and flexible employer who was more than understanding about the demands of single parenting and sick kids. He made sure we could see doctors when we needed to. He made sure that friends were there to laugh with me, cry with me, get angry with me and even the best of friends who were sent to tell me the truth that sometimes I didn't want to hear. It wasn't a period of time that held nothing but perfection, but God did perfectly orchestrate life to win my heart. After about a year and a half of His patient and loving pursuit, I came to see Him as my wonderful, perfect, and everlasting Father. I knew I could trust Him and that He would always take care of me.

So now, in the midst of times when I don't know what tomorrow will hold, I know that it doesn't really matter what tomorrow brings. I have Him. Therefore, I have everything I'll ever need.

Speaking the Truth in Love

I find myself pondering the various Christian examples I have just witnessed on a show called Trading Spouses. The premise of the show - two families who are rather opposite, swap mothers for a week and at the end of the week each mom decides how $50,000 is spent on her surrogate family.

I have not been so disgusted with another person professing Christ in such a horrifying way in all my life. I watched one woman remain so rigid in her ways that she couldn't see the person as a created being with any value because she was too busy telling them how badly they "need religion" in their lives. (Those were her words.) She couldn't appreciate the person for who they were at all. Granted, we ought to be urgent in sharing Christ with the lost, but to make it so solemn and joyless - so rigid and lifeless of a thing, is it any wonder the person was less than receptive. Had the woman caught in adultery been brought to one of these women, they wouldn't have asked the crowd "the one with no sin be the first to cast a stone". These women would have been the first to pick up the stones and cast them "to set the example". It was horrifying to watch the opportunities to share the love of Christ, to share with these lost and dying people the reality of their desperate need for Him, to show them service and kindness and unconditional love....these women wasted it on rigid religiousness. They had mannerism the Pharisees would have been proud of.

To think that people who watch that show regularly get that kind of impression about Christian broke my heart too. Much of our culture thinks that winsome and Christianity are antonyms and not synonymous with each other at all. When someone welcomed Christ into their home, He wasn't ready to beat down each family member for their lack of faith. He joined them, taught them, ate with them, met them where they were.

Why do we not follow his example? Yes, the religiously proud hypocrites may need rebuking, but we must first ensure the Lord has shaped us to give that rebuke - that our hearts are humble and not proud. Otherwise, the condescension reveals our own wickedness rather clearly. God help us to maintain humility and see others with His sense of compassion and kindness. May we truly speak the truth in love and not just find reason to speak.

Irony

I am really struggling this week with anger, bitterness, an unforgiving heart, pride, and unbelief. All of it points to a huge lack of faith. I know the Lord is shaping my character through our recent trials, but I seem to be a less-then-teachable student in the last few days. I am having such a hard time with communication and it seems every time I stop to think about how to best communicate, I get so angry, I have to start all over and bite my tongue.

In a seeming contradiction to this struggle is a swell of gratitude in my heart for the Lord's presence. I can feel Him almost every bit of every day. His arms hold me so tight sometimes. I pray the hardness of my heart would soften under this touch. Listening to Beautiful Beautiful by Francesca Battistelli makes me think of how undeserving of His grace I really am, and that despite that still - He pours it out over me and I am so overwhelmed with His work in me. How can He be so tender?

OUR ADOPTION STORY

So just this past Friday, our family appeared in court to finalize the adoption of Jonathan. It's now official, Shea is Jonathan's daddy!

This carries so much emotional weight - much of which I didn't expect. We have been working through this process of paperwork, a home study, and waiting for so long, that the sudden arrival of the day gave me very little time to mentally and emotionally process this event before it happened - REALLY happened. But there we were on Friday morning - up at the court house. We were surrounded by a few of our precious friends: Melissa Williams and her three children (Drew, Gabe and baby Abby), Tandi Dawson and her daughter Serenity, and some folks from our church (Chris Norman and Kathy Dickinson). We stood before the judge, testifying what our wishes were and that we felt this was in Jonathan's best interests. Then he affirmed it and it became official - Shea was now Jonathan's dad! Our whole family is now the Wright family. No more blended family or different last names. We were even told we would be issued a new birth certificate that would list Shea as the father! How cool is that! :D

Afterward, the court gave Jonathan a stuffed toy - he picked a little dog. Shea and Jonathan donned their father and son Longhorns hats (embroidered for the occasion). And we snapped pictures! Then we went out to eat. It wasn't the big party we were hoping for, but we had to keep it cheap (that whole job-loss thing is still looming over our finances). But we enjoyed a family meal together and it was great!

As I headed back to work, I thought about something so special to me. God took something ugly and turned it into something beautiful. Part of me is angry that my son's biological father has abandoned him these last few years. Over time, he just quit seeing him. He acted as if being a parent only happens when it's convenient, which - for him - it never was convenient. (Parenting just isn't convenient - not for anyone!) In my heart, I believe the whole termination of rights / adoption thing for him was just about money. His actions were never all that "noble" when it came to Jonathan, so I hardly buy into the notion he really thought about Jonathan and what he needed. If he had thought that way, perhaps he would have been a father who was there instead of always having an excuse for not showing up.

It was ugly. It's just one of those ugly things in life. I made a horrible choice when I had sex outside of marriage. But God turned it into something so beautiful when he gave me my son. We had an ugly situation of a broken home and the whole "blended family" thing, and once again, God turned it into something beautiful when he answered our prayers.

Did I pray for my son's father to abandon him or reject him? Absolutely not! When my heart stirred with grave concern over the fact that if something happened to me, Jonathan's whole life would turn upside down, I began to think about adoption. If I died, Jonathan would not only have lost me, but he would also lose Shea, his home, his school and everything good and familiar to him. He'd be sent to a man who has demonstrated time and time again that Jonathan is too much of an inconvenience to him and his life. Oh how my heart weighed down so heavily at that thought. So Shea and I prayed about whether or not to approach Robert about terminating his rights so Shea could adopt him. Robert had brought it up a year or so before that, but the conversation stopped when I asked him why he wanted to end the relationship with his son. Would it be the right thing to pursue this ourselves?

As we prayed, we really felt no peace about pursuing the legal action. We concluded that we could not pursue shutting the door on this relationship. Whatever happened or didn't happen, we needed to leave it in God's hands and not take it into our own hands. Yet still, I was disturbed by the conflict of impressions on my heart and kept praying for God to help me resolve it. Why the burden to protect my son from the possible upheaval and yet no reasonable way to do so that God seemed to be in favor of? Then came the text message...

Yes, a text message. I received the text from Robert asking about termination and adoption. It opened up a conversation and this time, he wasn't really asking so much as he was telling me that's what he was going to do. He had met with an attorney and offered to pay for the entire process. So he did. He payed for it all - the court costs, the attorney fees, the home study - everything. It made me cry to think that money was so much more important to this man than his son, and that he was really going to sever the relationship forever. But I couldn't change Robert. And in the end, I simply saw this as God's answer to our prayers.

While Jonathan will still have to work through this issue at varying points throughout his lifetime, I know in my heart without a doubt, this was the right thing to do for him. I wonder about how this will affect Jonathan's testimony in life. Shea and I want to adopt other children and I wonder how Jonathan will be able to comfort and identify with those children because of this event. I wonder how God will use this to draw Jonathan to Himself. After all, each of us as believers are adopted by Him. How will God use this in our lives (Shea and me)?

It's amazing to think of the endless possibilities, but alas - we'll just have to wait and see how the story goes. This is our next chapter and we're excited at how the Lord has worked it so far. He really is a God who can make beauty rise from ashes! Thank you Lord for your Sovereignty and Wonderful works! I pray that you'll use this to draw each and every one of us closer to you!

An Exercise of Faith

It's hard to get my thoughts together on the events of the last 24 hours, but if you don't know this about me already - I'm an external processor! Which means, I work through things OUT LOUD. :D

Last night, my husband called me up and gave me the news no wife wants to hear - "I've been let go." I would have to describe my reaction as "shell shock". I sat in silence, bombarded by the millions of thoughts suddenly racing through my mind, not one of them capable of formulating a supportive or encouraging response to my husband. I hung up the phone and began to pray, but my prayers wouldn't come any better than my thoughts. I reached for my phone, thinking one of my closest friends could speak a word to my heart and racing mind that would put me on track. But...none of them answered. So there I was, suddenly suffocating under the weight of my own anxiety and I did the one thing that comes naturally in that type of situation - I burst into tears.

Perhaps you're thinking that I was most concerned about what the checkbook would look like in the upcoming days and weeks, but I was only concerned about who would greet my husband at the door when he finally reached home. The person saturated in tears and panic wanted nothing more than to have a calm, godly reaction to this event and welcome her husband with open arms and a word of confidence and reassurance that he was still "the man"! But no such demeanor or words were coming to fruition.

So I kept praying...I kept telling God that I needed to be the kind of wife that would rush to her husband's side and tackle this thing together with prayer, encouragement and hope not in things seen, but hope in things unseen. I also sent out text messages to every person I could asking them to pray for me. By the time my husband came home, I had finished praying and joined my son in playing a video game in the living room. I was able to greet my husband with some encouragement, but I found that he was more of an encouragement to me. In our conversation, I broke and went from discussing details, to asking him just to reassure me. My Knight came to my side, put his arms around me, looked into my eyes and said, "Shannon, it's going to be okay."

And it will. God is bigger than our checkbook, bigger than our anxieties and our shortcomings. He's going to do something really great in our lives with this. We will be molded and shaped into His likeness in ways we couldn't otherwise have experienced. For that, regardless of financial worries and woes, we will praise Him. We will count our blessings and learn to exercise our faith in new and deeper ways!

The AntiChrist

I find it interesting that so many Presidents of the United States of America have been accused of being the AntiChrist - the latest? President Barack Obama. Sure...he's not my favorite President by any stretch of the imagination, but the AntiChrist? No. I don't believe he's the AntiChrist.

I found this list of characteristics to be helpful in evaluating such a question...so perhaps it will be helpful to you too...in case you're convinced that Obama is the anti-christ too!

Taken from Eads Home Ministries – http://www.eadshome.com/

1. He comes from among ten kings in the restored Roman Empire; his authority will have similarities to the ancient Babylonians, Persians, and Greeks [Daniel 7:24; Rev 13:2 / Daniel 7:7]

2. He will subdue three kings [Daniel 7:8, 24]

3. He is different from the other kings [Daniel 7:24]

4. He will rise from obscurity…a “little horn” [Daniel 7:8]

5. He will speak boastfully [Daniel 7:8; Rev 13:5]

6. He will blaspheme God, [Daniel 7:25; 11:36; Rev 13:5] slandering His Name, dwelling place, and departed Christians and Old Testament saints [Rev 13:6]

7. He will oppress the saints and be successful for 3 ½ years [Daniel 7:25; Rev 13:7]

8. He will try to change the calendar, perhaps to define a new era, related to himself [Daniel 7:25]

9. He will try to change the laws, perhaps to gain an advantage for his new kingdom and era
[Dan 7:25]

10. He will not be succeeded by another earthly ruler, but by Christ [Daniel 7:26-27]

11. He will confirm a covenant with “many”, i.e. the Jewish people [Daniel 9:27]
This covenant will likely involve the establishment of a Jewish Temple in Jerusalem
[see Dan 9:27; Matt 24:15]

12. He will put an end to Jewish sacrifice and offerings after 3 ½ years and will set up an abomination to God in the Temple [Daniel 9:27, Matthew 24:15]

13. He will not answer to a higher earthly authority; “He will do as he pleases”[Daniel 11:36]

14. He will show no regard for the religion of his ancestors [Daniel 11:37]

15. He will not believe in any god at all [except for himself] [Daniel 11:37]

16. He will have "no regard for the desire of women": He will either be asexual or homosexual
[Dan 11:37]

17. He will claim to be greater than any god [Daniel 11:37; 2 Thess 2:4]

18. He will claim to be God [2 Thessalonians 2:4]

19. He will only honor a “god” of the military. His whole focus and attention will be on his military. He will conquer lands and distribute them [Daniel 11:39-44]

20. His arrival on the world scene will be accompanied by miracles, signs and wonders [2 Thess 2:9]

21. Either he, or his companion [The False Prophet], will claim to be Christ [Matt 24:21-28]

22. He will claim that Jesus did not come in the flesh, or that Jesus did not rise bodily from the grave [2 John 7]. He will deny that Jesus is the Messiah [I John 2:22]

23. He will be worshipped by many people [Rev. 13:8]

24. He will hate a nation that initially will have some control over his kingdom, but he will destroy this nation [Rev 17:16-18]

25. He will appear to survive a fatal injury [Rev. 13:3; 17:8]

26. His name will be related to the number six hundred and sixty six—but not necessarily in an obvious fashion [Rev 13:17-18].

27. He will be empowered by the devil himself [Rev. 13:2]

His Mercies are New Every Morning

The bible says that His mercies are new every morning...well...it's morning and once again, I am in need of new mercies. I'm pretty beaten up by the enemy of flesh - to the point my heart is cool and hardened. I need a spiritual revival...a surge of feeling the reality of my relationship with Jesus Christ. I realize that feelings are not the basis of that relationship. The basis is pure faith. Choosing to live as though the bible were true regardless of circumstances, emotions or cultural trends. So where is the strength? Where is the lifting up from the miry clay? It has not happened yet. I'm still sitting in the mud - only now I'm fully aware of sitting in the mud.

I feel like the prodigal son. It's the morning in which he awoke to the smell of the pig sty. Famished for the days gone by in his father's house where he ate real food, wore clothes fitting of his status as a prince, and celebrated life in the presence of the king. The memories flooding his mind at that moment were a far and distant cry from the filth and depravity in which he found himself laying that morning. Then there was a moment of decision. In that moment the prodigal overcame the fear of failing again...the fear of rejection...the fear that had to have gripped his heart at the thought of trying to return after all he'd done. How that moment must have felt, when the chains fell off and he began to walk. Perhaps just barely able to put one foot in front of the other each step of the way - I don't know. But he eventually arrived. And before he had come the full distance, his father ran to meet him. RAN! A man of the king's status would never been seen running. But he ran to greet this wayward, filthy, derelict son and embraced him. The king covered his son with fine linen and ordered a huge celebration for this son's return.

The bible says that heaven rejoices more over one repentant sinner than 99 who need not repent. So why am I having such a hard time with repentance? I know by faith my Father will not reject me, but rather embrace me and rejoice over my return. Have I not sunk low enough to really want out of my sin? I often think that is the case. Have I not binged enough, been prideful enough, suffered enough consequences for my sin to find its death no longer appealing to me?

I used to learn all my lessons the hard way. I used to run as far as I could until the pain was so stifling I thought I would die if I wasn't rescued. It was such a melodramatic way to live my life and I hated it. It was so unnecessary. I do not see any sense in getting all the way down the road in order to realize that I am on the wrong path. As soon as I know I am going the wrong way - THAT should be the point at which I long to be rescued. THAT is when I turn and go the right way. What is so complicated about doing that?I seem to be stuck in the old pattern of behavior though. "I haven't fallen far enough or hard enough to warrant turning." But that is a lie...a dirty, stinking, rotten lie from the pit of hell trying to keep me from life and life abundantly lived.

So Lord, please rescue me. Soften my heart and lead me to repentance. I can't seem to find my way on my own. I don't have it in me to repent, so please send your Spirit to revive me. Awaken all that I have squelched and darkened with my disobedience and bring me back to life! I love you Lord. I am in desperate need of your mercies this morning. Please don't look at my wretchedness, but look on me through the blood of your Son who has redeemed me for your sake! Amen.

Reflecting on a Heavy Heart

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything other than relaying my trip to Oregon. So now I figured it was time to expose my heart a bit. It’s not my usual spiritual breakthrough that has prompted me to write, but rather my desert wandering that has put me in a reflective mood.

I’m so thirsty I can hardly stand it. I’m so dry and weary in a spiritual sense that everything seems to sap the life out of me. My food addiction has taken on new levels of ravenous binging and my TV watching steals away hours of precious time while my heart grows weaker. This is the perfect time to stop, repent and regroup. However, I find myself dealing with another old enemy of mine. It’s a monster that encompasses apathy, pride, self-centeredness, and unbelief. It whispers how needless repentance is and how my sin is minor and unworthy of note. It beckons me to lie down in laziness and forgo the fight to put myself back in right standing with the Lord. Then it tells me that I’m not worthy to be right before the Lord and that it would take too much effort to get there…effort that is fruitless and in vain so “why bother?”. It’s a horrible beast within me that I have come against countless times in my walk with Christ.

So here I am, at the threshold of decision – to fight or lay down in defeat. It’s easier to accept defeat, but only for a moment. The pain and agony of death swallows life whole and leaves nothing but emptiness behind. Fighting leaves its scars as well, but the promise is life and life abundantly. The promise is that I will never be left or forsaken, never alone. The promise is that it is not me who fights, but a perfect Victor who has already won the battle – it is He who fights for me. It is He who triumphs over the evil taking me hostage and binding me in chains of addiction and sin.

So, without the will, the belief, or the strength to move myself, I submit to Grace. I can’t fix what I’ve done. I can’t take it back. I can’t make up for it by bashing myself or berating myself into obedience. I simply submit to Grace. Unmerited, unearned, undeserved Grace that covers my sin and allows me to stand whole and perfect as Christ Himself before the Almighty Father. With a heart that begs I will not travel this road again. With a heart that is in awe of a love that seeks such a wretched outcast as me. Why does He do it? I will never fully understand it, but I do believe that much.

I believe the words of the gospel of Jesus Christ – that He came to seek and save that which is lost…and I am certainly lost. I’m a sheep that has lost my way from my Shepherd. What a glorious day to be rescued.

My Fantastic-Wish-It-Wasn't-Over Vacation!

So my vacation was so incredibly busy, that I didn’t stop to “twitter” as much as I thought I would…hence, I have a really long blog to let you all in on the wonderful time I had traveling to, staying in and coming home from Oregon! Hopefully you’ll enjoy reading it because I sure enjoyed remembering it!

I left out on June 26th…Max was tied in his doggie booster seat in the front passenger seat. Jonathan was in the back seat with his DVD player and box of activities. The cooler was loaded with water and snacks and music was at my fingertips. It seemed to take almost the whole first day to get out of Texas! LOL The excitement was definitely electrifying. :D We arrived in Albuquerque without a hitch, and our hotel room was wonderful. We checked in, got a good night’s rest and left for Las Vegas the next morning. The second day was the shortest portion of the trek cross country, but I mistakenly booked a hotel in Vegas that was not pet-friendly. Without the ability to move that on the way to Oregon, I was stuck with limited options – hunt around for a pet-friendly hotel and spend money I knew I didn’t have, or sneak the dog into the hotel. I opted for the latter and the guilt was punishment enough that I really didn’t enjoy our luxurious accommodations! Huge, comfy room, gorgeous marble and glass bath, 52” HD TV, a great view of the city lights at night and several very yummy restaurants just downstairs. The next morning, we left in a chaotic, messy car that had it’s first major spill (coffee through my seat and all over the floorboard and a puppy mess in the back seat). It took me over an hour to get the car suitable for driving – though still in desperate need of shampooing and a more thorough cleaning! Then we headed out to our final destination – Grants Pass, OR! This last stretch was the longest, measuring 900 miles and over 12 solid hours of driving. We arrived in the early morning hours of Tuesday and despite being pretty tired, I was bubbling with joy!

On the drive over, much of the scenery was flat and barren. But I can still picture the skies of deep blue, the beauty of rolling hills, the wide variety of animals, the painted clouds, and majesty of the mountains and rock formations! It swelled my heart to see what God had made and it was wonderful to enjoy it with my son – even if we did have to sit in the car for hours on end, three days in a row to witness it all! :D

Upon arrival, I wasn’t able to see my brother because, fortunately for him and unfortunately in the timing, he was hired and started a new job the night we got there. So my beautiful sister-in-law let us in and we went to bed. A few hours later, I woke up (out of habit or excitement, I’m not sure), and called my mom to plan out our day. We decided against the river trip and opted for lunch, a movie and walking downtown instead. It was so great! We visited George’s and took in the nostalgia of their long-standing yummy popcorn. I marveled at all the shops up and down 6th street. Our last stop was the old time soda fountain for drinks and an ice cream. I could hardly believe it was still there! I loved that place as a kid! (I hardly went, but I really liked it when I did go!) We rounded out the day seeing Toy Story 3 in 3D. What a great first day at home!

Wednesday, I woke up more sore than I had been in I can’t remember how long. I couldn’t believe how sore all that driving made my body. I felt like I had done a million push-ups and I had knots in my calves the size of Texas! LOL I spent the morning with my friend Teri and her kids! Jonathan had a few lessons in how treat girls – which were sweet and funny! And I got to visit with Teri, catching up on all the wonderful things the Lord has been doing. It was blessing to see her sweet face and know, that despite the challenges of the past couple of years, she is still holding strong. I am so inspired by her!

After that, it was low key time with my brother Richard for a bit while we waited for my sister Brandy to get back from the Portland airport with my other brother Douglas, who had just flown home! When they arrived, it was the most incredible feeling to have all four of us walk in to Richard’s house at the same time. Looking around, I couldn’t believe how grown-up we were...how different we were and yet how familiar, warm and great it felt to be together again. The jokes, jab and jeers set in pitting brothers against sisters and we filled the late part of the afternoon with hanging out until Richard had to go to work! :D Later that night was the first night I got to see my littlest nephew! It was only for a few minutes and he was tired and ready for bed when we got there, but it great seeing him in person - even cuter than his pictures!!

Thursday, we hung out some more and I got to see my other niece and nephew - Kaylee and Shayne! Then that evening I went to a church meeting with my mom. It was that evening, that I marveled at the changes God has made in my mom over the past few years. He’s grown her, made her heart tender and created a friendship between the two of us that I now treasure beyond words. We were able to share a bit of the common struggle we share of food addiction. I regret I spent more time talking than listening; my heart was so excited, I think my mouth got a way from me a bit. Yet, the memory of sitting at the table, sharing with my mom is one of those precious moments, I will treasure for a long time.

Friday, I finally got to spend some substantial time with my brother Richard and spent the day hanging out with him and my nephew Landon! The few bits of time I had spent with Landon up to this point, he had been dealing with the changes in his little world – daddy’s all of sudden not around all day (because of the new job), daycare, and strange people are in his house that seem to want to invade his space, talk to and play with him all the time! LOL Poor little guy. It took him a while to warm up to us a bit. But on Friday, with my brother off from his new job, things were “back to normal” enough that Landon opened up a bit and we got to see more of his adorable, fun personality. Mind you, for those of you who don’t know my family, Landon is about 19 months old. He was entertaining us with his knowledge of all of the animal sounds – dog, cat, bear, elephant, tiger, sheep, ducks, chickens…it was so super cute! Then he showed us the “butt dance” and “spaz” – which, I’m sorry to say the following words won’t do them justice…you just have to experience them for yourself! LOL His butt dance is a very rhythmic little wiggle where he puts his hands on his bum, bends his knees and gives us a little dance! “Spaz” is a hilarious motion where my sweet nephew, on cue, widens his eyes, tenses up his little body and shakes like he’s stuck his finger in a light socket. I just about fell on the floor the first time my brother showed me the move! Landon loved entertaining us…well…as long as mom or dad was somewhere in sight!

The weekend at home was filled with shopping, cooking, cleaning and having family over for cookouts! Our family reunion was on Saturday…supposed to be around 12:30, most everyone arrived by 2:30/3pm LOL. We had some great burgers and hotdogs thanks to Richard! Yummy! I baked cupcakes and bought decorations, thinking I was going to have the kids decorate some of them, and I would do the rest. However, it ended up the kids decorated one each and the adults had a fantastic time decorating the rest! It was awesome! I saw my cousins Brian and Lori and my aunt Debbie and uncle Rich whom I haven’t seen in ages! Lori I hadn’t seen since my leave after bootcamp 11 some years ago! It was crazy to see everyone all grown up. My cousin Brian had a son about Jonathan’s age, so him, Jonathan and my nephew Shayne all got to play together. We hung out till early evening and then got to cleaning up – after all, we had a scheduled repeat of the same thing for the next day!

Sunday, for the 4th of July, my mom, Jonathan and I went to a church meeting held down at the Riverside Park. If I’m not mistaken, a couple of churches – maybe more – got together and held services down there. They had baptisms in the river. It was great! We sat at a picnic table near the playground and held a little family devotion for Jonathan’s benefit, then we cut him loose. Mom and I read through Romans 7 and 8 and talked about our struggle against the flesh and the victory through Christ. As we were heading out, I ran into one of my friends from our school days and her mom. Sarah and Janet Mathis were at the service that morning and it was great that I was able to pass along my gratitude for David (father and husband) when he was the youth pastor at the church in Wolf Creek when I was growing up. He was one of several people the Lord used in my life to bring me to Christ! And it was great to see Sarah with her lovely girls (and a baby on the way)!

I was so blessed to see so many friends while in Oregon: Teri, Sarah, Olivia, and Sierra! I got to catch up with them and see how lives had changed and people had grown! It makes me long to live in Oregon again – where I would be closer to all those I hold so dear in my heart!

But anyway…back to my chronology of events. So Sunday morning after church, we headed out to Sunny Valley with my cousins. We had a great time when we took all the kids to my uncle and aunt’s house. My sister and her whole family met us out there. We played in our old swimming hole down at the creek and I thought it was pretty funny to see my city-fied self and son march through the poison oak and brush trying to get to the swimming hole! All of us reminisced about all the times we went down there as kids…the blackberry picking…the hot summer days…the long gravel road…how we foolishly jumped from several spots along the creek that now loomed rather dangerous looking from our new grown-up perspective. It was awesome remembering the simplicity of life back then and it made me long even more to live there. My heart wants Jonathan to have those kinds of summer days – catching crawdads and playing in the creek, walking along the driveway picking blackberries….playing in the woods, watching out for rattle snakes and catching lizards. Ahhh…life really was simple back then.

We had lunch and toured my aunt and uncle’s house. The wood, being harvested straight from their property, was absolutely gorgeous and it was great to see how much they had done on their house since the last time we visited. Then we headed back to my brother Richard’s house, where we had Candace’s side of the family over. They drew a four square court and set up badminton outside! The guys made a new game out of running and sliding across over-sized exercise balls…hopefully I can post the video…it was seriously funny! :D My sister and I got to hang out and really talk for a long time that night. Eventually, I think we were told to quit talking and come enjoy the fireworks! Jonathan had a blast lighting them! It was so sweet of them to include him that way! The night rounded out with Guitar Hero and I had another perfect day of vacation!

Monday came and it was time to head to the coast! I couldn’t go back to Texas without seeing the ocean. And God made it so that my brother Richard and his wife Candace BOTH had the day off, so everyone except my sister and her family were able to go hang out in Brookings at Harris beach that day! On the way there, my well traveled puppy decided the road was a bit too winding for him, and he threw up on me…that was seriously gross! Just glad I had an extra shirt to wear and lots of baby wipes to use for cleanup! :D lol When we arrived, it was 70 degrees, a bit windy, and the most gorgeous blue skies we could have that day. Stepping onto the sand, the funniest site erupted. My dog Max who has never been on sand – EVER! – began to jump around like he was having a seizure, absolutely freaking out at the feel of the ground beneath his paws. I felt so bad for him, but I couldn’t pick him because I was doubled over laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe! Poor puppy! But no worries, the torture was short-lived and he got used to the sand and found driftwood to play fetch with!

We set our stuff down and headed to the water, where my insane brother Douglas dove straight into the arctic waves of icy, bone-chilling water. My barely recovering puppy was washed back up on the shore, and looked so sad, sopping wet and covered in sand. Jonathan wasn’t having any more of that kind of cold water and headed back to the warmer parts of the beach. After taking video of the breath-taking scenery, I settled into watching my son play soccer with some “big boys” on the beach and playing fetch with my now dried off, warmed up and settled in puppy! We didn’t stay too awfully long. The winds were pretty fierce and as majestic as the scenery is, sand gets into everything and that gets uncomfortable pretty quickly. So after the soccer game and a brief, unsuccessful meeting with a fellow Chihuahua, we packed up and headed into town for lunch. (That other chihuahua was the catalyst for Max to finally warm up to someone other than me, when my brother and Cassie – Candace’s sister, were his only refuge from the pursuing Chihuahua who wanted to play) – another funny moment to remember!

Oh…side note, my crazy brother Doug, also made an incredible short film as the star of “Which Sea Gull is going to eat my Chip?” He guessed wrong, and it was pretty funny to watch! And my other brother Richard got bird poo on the head…yes, we love our baby wipes!

We headed to Wild River pizza for lunch, where Jonathan exercised his leadership skills in schooling some fellow kids his age. After he had to leave their kids’ game of pool to eat his lunch, a couple of them came up to Jonathan and while I didn’t hear about the problem, Jonathan’s wise response was “Don’t tattle tale, just play nice together”. LOL

That night, I went to see my childhood friend – Sierra! I got to see and hold her new baby and talk for a long while. We reminisced about crazy nights where we snuck out to meet in the woods…just because we lived on neighboring hills…friends we had through the years and what everyone was doing and how we had changed or stayed the same. After that, we went to bed pretty tired and I got up the next day to my last day in Oregon. I couldn’t believe it had gone by so quickly. I did miss my husband, but I so could have stayed another week! (or more) I met Olivia at the park that morning and we had a good time catching up and playing with the kids! We even fed the various birds down by the river. That night we had an impromptu b-day dinner for my niece Kaylee!

It was so great seeing my sister’s kids and hanging out with them throughout the week! Shayne reminds me so much of Jonathan. He’s a lot more verbal, but has the same tender heart, the same love and energy for life and all things active. He is all boy and is very much an outdoor kind of kid! Kaylee is the shy, quiet one. She’s pretty girly, but definitely can hold her own with the boys. Very affectionate and eager to please. And I absolutely love shopping for her as the only girl in the family! She is my reason to buy pink!!! LOL I loved being with them and have resolved that at least letter writing and pictures will have to be frequent, so I can keep our families tied more closely than the past five years. If I can’t be the aunt Shannon living nearby who takes them to the movies, to the park and out shopping…then at least I can be a good pen-pal and send awesome gifts for Christmas and birthdays!

Overall, I can’t say enough great things about my trip. With exceptions unworthy of noting, every day was a perfect day. The cold crisp mornings, taking in the fresh air scented with pine trees and freshly cut Oregon grass, seeing deer just off the front patio, the endless greenery, the quaint shops and small town life all around me….the countless stars in heaven every night that weren’t drowned out by city lights. All of it was purely magnificent! Spending time with my family and seeing how friendships have formed over the years between siblings and parents…growth that has brought us a long way from the chaos and dysfunction of our pasts…healing the Lord has provided and continues to provide in amazing ways…the joys and wonders of being a part of this family that I hadn’t before appreciated with such depth and gratitude! I am in awe and already miss them all more than I can say. I’d give just about anything to go back or even move back, but I have a blessed life here in Texas that I love too. My life here is established and wonderful and filled to overflowing with graces from the Lord. So unless the Lord moves us, I’ll just have to make a point to visit home often and count myself among the few who can have so much in more than one place. I have a mountain of blessing here in Texas and another there in Oregon. I love you my dear family and precious friends! I’ll be back again soon – Lord willing! :D