I have been more than horrified as I read the unfolding of the Penn State Sandusky Sex Abuse Scandal in the media headlines for the past couple of weeks. I know personally how awful, shameful and deep the wounds of childhood sexual abuse are. What compounds those wounds are nearby trusted adults who know and do nothing to stop it. To feel trapped and isolated in the most terrifying nightmare imaginable...my heart hurts all over again to read about these children who suffered at the hands of this trusted and idolized coach.
Aside from the headache, heartache and stomach pains, what could parents take away from this media drama playing out in front of us? AWARENESS. If nothing else, I hope parents realize that none of us wants to think that a great coach or a special teacher would ever dream of hurting our children. That friendly neighbor or older teen who seems to be doing so much to help our children....they couldn't...they wouldn't....or could they? The truth is...no one can really know the complete heart of another individual...no matter how well you know them. And abusers are a much higher percentage of our population than any of us care to admit.
The bottom line for parents is that our job...the very innate purpose in the title "parent"... is protector. God has given us children to protect them. We can't shield them from every hurt or sinful person in this world, but we can be reasonable and cautious parents who equip our children to live mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy lives. We can lay down the denial of "it won't happen to our family" and take up guard over our children. I learned a great deal from a mom-to-mom class about sexual predators. I instituted some guidelines for my own home based on what I learned:
1) We don't have "cute names" for body parts. Every body part goes by it's name - including sexual genitalia. I do my best to provide a home environment where all body parts are given the same respect in conversation. My son can tell me about his penis the same as he tells me about his knee. I do my best to let him know that there is no shame in what God has given him and although we have a reverence for sex, he needn't be shy about asking questions, making observations or otherwise understanding his own body in a healthy way.
2) Modesty and ownership of private parts was instilled at the earliest age possible. I stopped washing my son as soon as he could do it himself and I avoided touching him skin to skin in the bathing environment. So by 3 years old when he began to be aware of his own body, it was his to own, his to wash, and we talked openly about that. My goal was to help him be comfortable in his own skin and to know that modesty was okay. No one, no even me, had the right to demand to see or touch anything...his body was his body. Even healthy, playful physical interactions are limited to his direction. If I tickle his neck (he's very ticklish right around his collar bone), and he says stop, I immediately respect his wishes. Now that he's getting old enough to understand right and wrong, we are also having conversations about him being able to stand up for himself and say no, even to people in positions of authority or in situations when he's scared to say no.
3) Hygiene is open for discussion no matter how "embarrassing" something might be. Starting early, I hope, has given my son permission to talk about anything without being embarrassed by it. We talk about the fact that erections are normal and resolve themselves. We talk about the importance of washing our bodies and brushing our teeth. It's not over-emphasized, but stated from time to time so that my son knows he doesn't have to be embarrassed by things he doesn't understand and that he can ask questions and expect to be treated with respect in my giving him an answer.
4) Feelings - from an early age, we talked about feelings...sad, happy, excited, scared, embarrassed, etc. I think it's especially difficult for boys to identify emotions, so I wanted to make sure those words were in his vocabulary and that he knew he could be feel something without being told it wasn't appropriate. As a child and adolescent, I recall rather often being told how to feel about something. It is crucial for my son to be able to say he's scared without being made to feel guilty that somehow he shouldn't be scared of whatever it is. If he's scared, we talk about what he's thinking...why is he scared? I don't scoff or laugh or otherwise indicate whether he should or shouldn't be feeling that way. I don't want an abuser being able to manipulate fear because my son has been conditioned to think that he can't be scared when deep inside he really is afraid.
5) I ask questions. From time to time, I ask my son pointed, direct questions about whether or not he feels scared about someone in school or at church. I've had him answer yes a time or two. Thankfully it revolved around a student who decided it would be funny to turn the lights off in the bathroom and not something more sinister, but the point is - my son was okay to tell me that. I ask him if anyone has ever touched his private parts or asked him to touch theirs. Once I got a confession that someone flashed him their buttocks in the bathroom. It was boys horsing around in the bathroom, but again, my son knew it was okay to tell me that and we talked about how he responded, how he felt and if he could/should do anything different if something like that happened again. It was a good conversation about equipping him to deal with uncomfortable or unusual situations.
6) No sleep-overs. I've caught a lot of flack for this one. Most parents think this is going too far, but I honestly don't care what they think. I know that I can't - CAN'T - know any other person through and through to the point that I can guarantee they couldn't / wouldn't abuse my child. There are a few select people that babysit my son, but he won't be heading to a friend's house to stay the night. How many parents are regretting the fact that they let their children sleep over in the basement of Jerry Sandusky through the years? Did they ever think in a million years their child would be hurt? I'm sure they didn't. But now, looks like they were wrong. That isn't a risk I'm willing to take with the welfare and safety of my child. The benefits of sleep-overs in the social circles in no way outweighs the potential risk and harm that one mistake could have on my child. One person misjudged as a good and safe person and my child is scarred for life - for LIFE! No sleep-over experience is worth it. I think it's a fair limitation to potential abuse opportunities to avoid those over-night situations.
I can't protect my child from everything. But I have taken a philosophy of building as much trust as humanly possible between my child and me, equipping him to the best of my ability to face uncomfortable situations with confidence, and taking reasonable precautions about his whereabouts and what he does with whom. I think that is all any parent can do. I'd rather be painted as unreasonable for no sleep-overs and crazy for my caution than have to live with the pain of watching my child suffer the aftermath of sexual abuse that could have been prevented by my awareness or stopped sooner had my child been able to trust me enough with the information.
So rather than just decry the world an evil place and yet pretend that our kids won't be victims, I think it's the job of every parent to do what they can. Be cautious about your children's friends and do your best to investigate the relationships between him/her and the adults around them. Build the trust in your own relationship so that every child knows they can talk about uncomfortable and scary things with you - be the safe place your child can land. Instill modesty and reverence for their bodies and other's bodies and a confidence to say "no" even to authority figures when something "isn't right". I'm not advocating we all lock our kids up in bubbles, but let's not put our own heads in the sand either. Be proactive parents who take the job of protection seriously.
I have read most of this online book and although I season it's advice with a Christian worldview, it seems to be sound advice for the average parent!
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