Out of the Mouth of Babes

There are times when it seems that our kids say just the thing we wish they hadn't said or just the thing we never expected them to say! Today, my son had many, many words for me. And by far, the best came at the end of the night.

After picking up my brother from his interview, I needed to drive by and make a deposit at the bank. It just so happens that the bank is right next to Sonic Drive In and Braum's. At the sight of the restaurants, Jonathan says, "I'm hungry." To which I replied (as any good mother does this late at night when money is tight), "You can eat when we get home. We have food at home."

To which my dear Jonathan replied, "But that's bad food mommy. I want good food."

OUCH!!

Guess my son isn't too fond of my cooking! But my brother assured me that my pot roast tonight was DELICIOUS! So I leave it as "out of the mouth of babes"...

Family and Being at War with Myself

Not sure how it is when I feel the worse is when I'm most inspired to write, but I find myself draw to the writing board today despite my tumultuous emotions. My topic...family (well sort of). Family seems to be the most pressing thing on my mind today. First of all, I guess, because family is always the first target for my moodiness. Second, because they are always a pressing topic on my heart! :D

Lately, I've been concentrating on living out my role as a godly wife and mother. Boy do I find it difficult to do that in my own strength! But silly me, I should know so readily by now that anytime I try to obey scripture in my own strength, I am just acting a fool. I can't obey except by Christ who strengthens me for everything! It is Christ's strength that gives me the ability to be the best wife and mother I can be.

When I started this era of concentration, I started with the small things, namely attention. I have found that I spent way too much time on frivolous, non-productive things when I could have been spending that time with my son. So I've made a more concerted effort to focus on redeeming those moments in the late afternoon and early evening after work (even when I'd rather curl up in bed and do nothing) by playing or interacting with my son or making sure I cook something good for everyone to eat at dinner time. I have discovered sweet little treasures by doing so: Jonathan likes to play dice with me and my brother. I get totally whooped when we play the Wii bowling game! And Jonathan has a knack for remembering odd commercials...I've also noticed the oddest commercials coming between his Wow Wow Wubzy and Go Diego Go and Dora shows...come on people! What's with the ads? But anyway....Jonathan is a lot of fun. He also keeps me thinking VERY hard at checkers. Oh my...a six year old nearly beats me every time at checkers. Just when I think I'm about to lose, he makes a mistake and I win. But I think those days will quickly pass the longer we play. :)

I think the harder part of serving my family is not as a mom; it's as a wife. My husband and I do not see each other much (due to conflicting schedules) and therefore, what time we do have, we spend conversing on what I think are the time-sensitive or superficial levels. We talk about things that need our immediate attention and those things that seems to make up polite conversation. Lately I've found myself giving into bitterness and resentment over small things that shouldn't bother me. And with those seeds of bitterness and resentment comes a hardened heart that does not lend itself to service. So in the end, I am at war with myself and unsure of how to meet my goal of effective and loving service as a wife when there is a mountain of pain in front of me. Not because my husband has hurt me, but because bitterness and resentment are sins and sin = pain.

As I go through our church's mentoring materials, I've been challenged every day to live by faith. Faith is choosing to live as though the bible were true regardless of circumstances, emotions or cultural trends. THAT definition has rocked my world and my walk with the Lord for the past year. Lately though, I've been trying to live that out. I've been trying to apply Philippians 4:8 to my relationship with my husband and think about only the positive things. I've been trying to take my thoughts captive into the obedience of Christ. I've been asking the Lord to examine my ways and test them. I've been asking for grace to live out Romans 14:13 ' Therefore let us stop passing judgement on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way." And Ephesians 4:29, "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers." and verse 32 of the same chapter in Ephesians says "be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you." Does anyone else see how impossible it is to obey the scriptures, to walk by faith, if you tried to do it in your own power?

I can't be a good wife unless I operate by the power of the Holy Spirit. So I'm asking today that the Lord would grant me grace and mercy by the Power of the Holy Spirit to love like He loves. To serve like He serves. To speak graciously. To not judge. To edify. To be tenderhearted. To be forgiving. To put my husband before myself and stop being selfish and self-centered. Today is another day of battling my flesh and today, I'm tired. So, Lord, please be my strength and my shield, my portion and my cup that overflows!! I love you so much! Thank you for all that you are to me!

Lately

Wow, it's been a while since I've written. Not because I had nothing to write about, I suppose, but because I haven't stopped much lately to take it all in. I seem to have some time on my hands to do just that though...to take it all in. To slow down and run my mental hands over the pages of life that have passed recently.

I found myself saying something a long time ago that became a profound statement..."Do not be so busy that you fail to accomplish something that matters." When the words dropped from my lips, it was as though the Lord picked them up as a dagger to my heart. How busy is too busy? I believe the line is crossed when we spend time being busy instead of accomplishing the things that really matter.

Lately, I have begun to see how much time I really waste. It's been hard to review because of the conviction that I have been too busy to accomplish a LOT of things that really matter. Yesterday, I decided against Facebook so I could spend some time playing trains with my son and cooking a meal for him and my brother. I've noticed, now that I'm paying attention, the laundry is done, the house is cleaner than usual, and I have time to spend with my family and talking to friends that I didn't seem to have before - even though my schedule is the same.

But again, it comes back to, "Do not be so busy that you fail to accomplish something that matters." I have eternal life...that is a thing I can't even begin to understand or wrap my mind around when I think about the brevity of this life. And yet, what I do in the vapor of this life, determines so much about my eternity. So while doing the dishes, the cleaning and the laundry is important, I don't want to miss the family relationships in order to accomplish those things. I can relax with a book or a movie or some time on Facebook, but have I forsaken hours of my precious time that could have been spent serving my family with a meal or clean clothes? There is a balance to be had.

For someone that has lived a life in one extreme or another, balance has not come easily to me. But I find that when I slow down a little, perspective stills my busy mind and things that matter come into sharper focus. So the past couple of days I've been slowing down and the small beauties of life are vibrant and thriving! I am grateful to my Jesus for the many, incalculable blessings I have. I have to say that it is also so much easier to determine what is important and what is pointless and wasteful.

May each of you make time to slow down, to appreciate the really important things and realize that life is too short....Do not be so busy that you fail to accomplish something that matters!

What is Mother's day REALLY about?

So I've been on this new part of the journey where I'm looking at everything with my new lenses. My lenses have a couple of basic premises.

1) It's all about God.

2) Everything we experience is about making us holy...molding us into the image of Christ.

So, Mother's Day is no exception. When the world would tell us mothers that today is all about us, my guess is that God still says it's not. So what can we gleam from a day that honors our contributions to the world? I think there is still much value in honoring each mother to the degree the Lord honor her. What does God honor? As our pastor shared with us this morning...simplistically, He honors the woman who fears Him. Fear, not in the sense of dread, but fear in the sense of the woman who stands in awe of Him and all that He has done, is doing and will do.

It is amazing to me to realize that no matter how big my view of God gets, it'll never be big enough! So I have this mixture of honor and humility today as I think about how God has richly blessed me in the fact that He saw fit to give me stewardship of a child...an amazing child. My son is a tool in the Father's hand to mold me in ways I never thought imaginable. Every ounce of selfishness is bared to see. Every bone of pride stands to be broken. So because God has the objective of being known and knowing me, He blessed me with a child. And now I receive never-ending gifts.

Oh sure, some of those gifts come in strange packages; I'll admit that. But they are gifts...Let's review the gifts I've received as a mom:

1) A disfigured body and stretch marks

2) Sleepless nights for one reason or another

3) Embarrassing scenes in every public place imaginable

4) Heartache and worry beyond reason

5) Tears of frustration

6) Anger over consistently poor attitudes and behavior

7) Withdrawal from social functions that are not "kid-friendly"

8) Never-ending laundry, dishes and housework associated with family life

9) Bounty of all things disorganized when I just got done organizing

10) Surrender to complete inadequacy for the job of "mother"

Before your brows get too overly crossed at this list of "gifts", I want you to take a second look at these things with me. It would be so easy to list all the wonderful things we normally enjoy about motherhood (kisses, sweet memories, learning victories, milestones accomplished after hard work, notes from school or church, small hands that want to hold yours, and the heart that never can hold the love felt for every child given you...) But those things can easily bypass the wonder of what happens in my list of gifts...so please...let's look beneath the "strange" packaging....

1) Disfigured body and stretch marks. Perhaps not every mother experiences disfigurement or stretch marks, but let's face it...our bodies are never the same after having a child. We can either stand in disgust at the weight gain or the red streaks that mark our bodies...or we can see the blessing in that the God of the universe chose US to be a vessel of His creation! Is that not so humbling to you? To know that it was no accident...no "random" occurrence, but that before time began, YOU were chosen to be the mother of that child or those children? WOW! That blows me away...and I can now look at my body and see a gift.

2) Sleepless nights. How often are we, as moms, kept up by crying babies, sick or scared children, or just the hours needed to accomplish all the motherly things we do? Why would being tired, cranky or even "half-dead" be a gift? Because in those moments, we have numerous opportunities to choose selflessness and loving others over getting the sleep we desire. We get to see just what it looks like in action to say, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". We get to experience the grace of God in a way we wouldn't necessarily experience with a full night of sleep.

3) Embarrassment. Simply put, this is the gift of humility! There is nothing like a child doing something in a public place to test how much pride you have. Admit it with me that we all at some level care what others think about us. We somehow have the notion that what our kids do, reflect on us...and we don't want that to be a negative image. We know what the other people in the restaurant are thinking when our kids are throwing temper tantrums, because we think those things of others when we see them. What a gift to have pride brought to the surface with the fire of our kids' behavior to let us know...this life isn't about us and it's certain not about what other people think about us as parents when our kids do something unexpected in public! It's about loving that child, obeying the Lord and bring honor to the Name of our Creator.

4) Heartache and worry. There isn't a mother out there that doesn't worry. I have worried about it all. But truth be told...worry is a sin. God has commanded us not to be anxious about anything, but by prayer and petition, present our requests to the Lord and give thanks in all things! That means that every opportunity that comes our way is a chance to pray, to give thanks for the circumstance and to WATCH AND SEE WHAT GOD CAN DO!!! He is amazing!!!! And we miss that by worrying and allowing our hearts to be troubled. So the next time we see our kids report card, choice of friends, or attitude...the next time we think about their current situation or their future...I pray we'll remember...that I'll remember...worry is a sin, but we have The God of the universe who loves us saying...come, cast all your cares on me. Trust me. Believe in me. Believe me. So heartache and worry have been gifts, showing me where I haven't trusted or believed in the One who is worthy!!

5 and 6) Tears and anger. I think I've experienced a lot of tears and anger as a mom. My son has not been easy to raise, the first five years without a father figure in our home. I can remember feeling helpless and resentful over so many things when it came to being a mom. The gift here...the revelation is the sin in my own heart. So often the tears of frustration and the anger were because of my expectations being disappointed...it was sometimes because of the consequences of my own sin (single motherhood)...and very often it was about control. Going through those times of emotional turmoil should have been learning experiences about letting go of my expectations and getting on with God's plan...it should have been times of leaning on Him instead of my own understanding. It should have been about loving my son for who God made Him to be, instead of wanting to mold him into who I thought he should be. These times are gifts in my blessing box because they are used by God to mold me!

7) Withdrawal from social functions. This gift too is about selflessness. I think we can easily get into our own little routines with what we do and who we hang out with, what kind of money we spend on different things, but children change everything! (Can I get an amen?!) :) And so sometimes this withdrawal shows us where we are selfish and self-centered. I tried so hard to "make the best of it" when I was a single mom...but social functions were never the same. Especially not in the single crowd. My pride was wounded, my self-centered life was exposed...this aspect of being a mother is a gift. Because it shifted my focus to see God's glory in loving others. Motherhood is an investment in the eternal kingdom we can never begin to fathom. Being shown that my life is about loving God and loving others...that really and truly is a very precious gift indeed!

8 and 9) Never-ending chores and constant re-organizing: The gift of Servanthood. Our pastor talked about that today in our study of Proverbs 31. God's creation in a woman that fears Him is a woman that lives to serve. Our flesh baulks at that! Especially in post-modern America in the new realm of feminism. We don't want to be servants! We equate that to doormats and those abused and neglected. But Jesus said He that wants to be first should be last. He that wants to be highest should be lowest. God's economy is not the world's economy. And when we "slave" over all that needs to be done to serve our family, can we not rely on Him for the grace to know that we are ultimately serving Him! He who served us perfectly? Is it too much to do the laundry over and over and over again, when Jesus did much more than that? Is it too much to keep cleaning the same messy house over and over and over again, when Jesus did much more than that? This aspect of motherhood is a gift because it takes my eyes off myself and helps me to love my Jesus, my sweet beloved Jesus who was the ultimate servant, and to love those He put in my life!

10) Surrender to complete inadequacy for the job of "mother". This gift is probably the most special to me of all the gifts I've received as a mom. The very gift of a child in my womb was what drove me to my knees before God in the first place. I could never begin to adequately describe my inadequacy to be a mom at the moment in time the Lord chose to make me one. But ultimately my son was the tool in God's hand to bring me to true salvation through Jesus. I had done it all: empty words stating "I am a Christian", empty actions that said, "I will work for you Lord...see what I've done and be pleased.", and none of it was what the Lord was after. He wanted my heart. He wanted me...

How can I possibly not see all the hardships of motherhood as anything BUT a pure and perfect giftbox from my Heavenly Father? Through being a mom, I have been drawn into such a sweet and tender relationship with Jesus. One that I know would not have been as sweet or as tender without the trials and tribulations of being a mom. (If that were the case, God would have designed it differently). So I praise the Lord for all the things that we might miss in our list of blessings associated with being a mom. Mother's Day is about such things...because EVERY day is about the Lord!

Paradigm Shift! - Amazing

So I've mentioned that I have been completely floored by a class I took at church introducing biblical counseling. I took it because I have a burning passion in my heart to be used by God to help others through biblical counseling.

Well first off, the Lord corrected a misconception I had of Christian counseling versus biblical counseling. I had no idea how much man-centered psychology that I had been using, filtering those man-made ideas through the bible and trying to come up with something useful to help people. In the end, I have to admit, I felt pretty ineffective. I learned that biblical counseling puts aside those man-centered ideas and searches the scriptures to understand the person and the problem.

Then, the next step I took in my new understanding was seeing the problem accurately. I would say that my primary lens of seeing crisis in my life and others' lives was through the lens of what psychology calls "Father Wounds". I saw just about every problem a person has as something related to their upbringing. But as my view shifted, I began to understand that seeing things this way doesn't allow much freedom and it certainly doesn't line up with what I've begun to see accurately in the Word of God. My view left no room for the law of sin at work within us.

I used to see sin as merely an act...a behavior. But the struggle...the internal struggle we really identify with in Paul who says, "I do the things I don't want to do, and I don't do the things I want to do."...is about the law of sin. The desires of the flesh work in opposition to the desires of the spirit. That conflict is a civil war inside of every believer. Even though I knew that, I admit I rarely thought of that when dealing with a problem in my life or another believer's life.

I didn't see that the Sovereign and Perfect Father in heaven orchestrates every detail of life with a single purpose in mind: His Glory. A vehicle of that glory is our sanctification and transformation into the likeness of His Son Jesus Christ. So everything from the traffic jam I'm stuck in, to the conflict in my marriage, to the problem in my parent/child relationship is useful to reveal the sin in my heart. Sinful desires that need to be crucified with Christ so I can bring glory and honor to the Lord!

I love being a slave to Jesus! And now I am on a whole new level of walking with Him because I am seeing things with brand new eyes! I knew before this life wasn't about me, but WOW, do I feel like this new conviction of being created by the Lord, FOR the Lord's purpose has taken on a new and fiery passion!!

Lord, please direct my steps by your Word and let no iniquity have dominion over me. Show me the wickedness in my heart and give me the grace to walk by faith in righteousness! I want to serve you and bring glory to your name! In my own strength and my own will, I am fallen and cannot do anything worthwhile, but in You, I can do all things!! Thank you for reviving my heart and for the passion and hunger you've given me for you word! I am so grateful for what you are doing in my life! Praise your name!! You are good, so good, Lord! I love you!

Revival

As I'm sitting here, I'm listening to people pray for our nation. They pour out their hearts lifting up requests for marital reconciliation, national repentance, personal responsibility, resurrection of morality, wisdom and holy leadership in schools and government, and the glory and praise of our Heavenly Father...but what I hear in every prayer is the plea for revival in America. That touches my heart in ways that are nearly inexplicable. How desperate I am to see revival in my life and the lives of believers all over. I so desire to see Christians transformed into the authentic warriors that God wants to use in this spiritual battle. Apathy and disobedience are the general marks of today's Christians...and I have been no exception. But as the Lord stirs our hearts for Him, I see something new. Spring is now the season of so many souls!

Pastors are rising to the occasion of preaching Truth instead of comfort! Congregations are getting bold for ministry locally and abroad! People are getting spiritually healthy through the application of basic disciplines of the Christian faith! I see brothers and sisters hungering and devouring the Word like no other time! We are so coming upon revival! It so encourages my heart to see this! I have not enough words of praise for my Father to see His glorious work in us!

But I still see the darker side and the discouragement of Americans everywhere. I still see apathy, hardened hearts, biblical illiteracy, and rejection of the gospel. So to every believer out there, get a clue! We are here to fight a war! We are here as soldiers to the Kingdom of heaven and you are fighting for one of two sides. You can fight the good fight to speak truth and spread the good news of Jesus Christ, or you can let apathy work for evil and further corruption.

Each of us makes a choice every day that we are blessed to live. The choice is deciding whom we will serve. I fear that many of us lack the open eyes to see the eternal repercussions of choosing to serve ourselves. When I get so focused on my day, my work, my duties, my friends, my family, my activities, I have no time for God's purpose, God's plan, God's desires, and God's activities.

So today, Lord grant me the grace to make the better choice of serving You instead of myself. Help me to see every activity, every move I make today as an act of worship! Help me to have open eyes to Your work in the people around me and may I have the wisdom to know how you would use me in your plan! I love you, Lord and I thank you for calling me your own!

Looking Back on the First Year

Well folks, it is almost official. In a few days, Shea and I will have been married for ONE whole year! :) Wow...I've said "time flies" before, but man, did time fly or what? Here we are at the end of the first year and I have to say that being married is and isn't what I expected it to be.

First, it is what I expected it to be in the way of being a blessing and a challenge to grow closer to Christ. I absolutely enjoyed being loved the way my husband loves me in our home. He respects, serves, and loves me in ways that are so unique to marriage. I was able to see him up close and get to know him beyond what dating allows. Sure, seeing every side of a person also reveals stuff less glamorous than we first thought, but it also allows us to see the unique creation God has given us in the spouse we married. I have been blessed to see Shea's softer side (less macho), more of his humor, and the amazing ways he loves people. Of course, as much as any person prepares for marriage, it still isn't all what you expect it to be.

With all the blessing comes challenges too, and it was here that, despite all my lengthy preparations, I was still take aback at how difficult marriage could really be. I had to let go of so much "self" in the marriage relationship. Ladies, it doesn't end with the name change, let me tell you! So much of who you are is exposed to a person...an imperfect person. As a Christian, it was all I could do to render myself vulnerable to a perfect and loving God who adores me unconditionally. How in the world was I supposed to be that vulnerable before a mere man? But this first year, I think that process is well underway - that development of a habit of vulnerability.

Layer after layer of who I really was, was left for Shea's examination and exposure. He could see my "good side" AND my "not so good side". And what I found (Praise the Lord) was a man, although an imperfect sinner himself, who adored me unconditionally anyway! How amazing is that? I showed my "ugly" side and my dear husband loved me anyway! That...is such a testimony to the Lord.

I say that because I was challenged likewise. I got to see the "ugly" side of Shea. I was exposed to his weaknesses and faults. I got a backstage pass to the reality of him as a whole. And just as Shea had the choice of his response, I had to choose how I would respond. I admit I didn't always respond appropriately, but with the year before being so focused on prayer, the year we have spent being married has also taken on a prayer focus. I had to learn to be a wife that was safe and not critical, supportive and not adversarial, loving and not distant...which took the power of Christ in me to accomplish in even the smallest measures. And prayer was the key...that and two superb, godly women to help me keep my head on straight! :) LOL

And this week, as I have thought back over everything, I am so very grateful at His work in my heart. There is still such a long way to go, but WOW, what a beautiful restoration He is orchestrating in my life! Chipping away at hardness of heart. Cracking through the steely pride. Breaking down walls of insecurity, and ripping up the roots of selfishness. I mean, even being a single parent didn't drive me to give up the level of selfishness that this first year of marriage challenged me to give up or make me dig down to the depth of my soul that this phase of my life has. It's amazing at how far He has brought me in only one short year! It makes me marvel at the years to come....what He is doing now...what He will do...I seriously get goosebumps thinking about it!! :D

Father, you are so amazing to me!! Thank you! Thank you, with all that I am, for granting me the joy of your salvation and giving me a willing spirit to sustain me! I never had a clue how amazing that would be!

Taking Action

Dying to self....

Not a popular topic really, but as Christians, we are called to "die to self". As I sat quietly last night, I had a couple of things convict my heart. These are things that really are a matter of sin, but have been grey areas for me. When we are convicted of sin, we need to repent. Repentance is an attitude of the heart where we agree with God about the nature of sin, but it is also an action. If we say we're really sorry, but do nothing about changing our behavior, our true heart condition is definitely questionable.

So therein lies my struggle...I have these issues that need addressing. Not sure how to proceed, but just know that something beyond my confession before the Lord is necessary. What that "something is", I'm not sure. And that is where I have to ask the Lord to help me "die to self". I know my flesh, my "heart" is exactly what the bible says it is...full of malice, deceit, etc. I so identify with Paul's internal struggle of "doing what I ought not do" and "not doing the good I ought to". So as I pray through this, I'm begging the Lord to kill the flesh and raise up the power of His spirit in me. Grant me wisdom to know exactly what I need to do. Help me navigate through the temptation to continue doing nothing at all...

Because if I did nothing at all...my heart will harden against the sin and an insensitivity to God's voice will begin and only get worse. Oh how I would hate that...The tenderness I've been experiencing is so very precious to me. I would ask that it only get more tender and deeper in the level of intimacy...not to start another season of hardness of heart!

You who are spiritual?

Galatians 6:1-7

1Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. 2Bear one an other's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. 3For if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4But each one must examine his own work, and then he will have reason for boasting in regard to himself alone, and not in regard to another. 5For each one will bear his own load. 6The one who is taught the word is to share all good things with the one who teaches him. 7Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap."

I have been going over this passage since yesterday. It is so packed that I could hardly detail it all in one blog, but I'd like to share some thoughts I've been having as I've meditated on this.

First what strikes me is the opening: if anyone is caught in sin, you who are spiritual...oh my! Are there any of us who are "spiritual"? Very humbling thought that we are called as Christians to restore our brothers and sisters who backslide. I've been struggling with that lately. I have numerous friends who are struggling with such heavy sin burdens. It finally occurred to me today that the reason I don't have such a burden of my own or some trial to go through is because the Lord has orchestrated this season as a time for helping others. I've wondered why I haven't been worthy of much of a trial lately...that perhaps some sin in my life was hindering me from experiencing the spiritual growth I longed for. A short, but intense spiritual attack through my emotions, seems rather trivial and I long for more. More that pushes me to the brink and makes me depend upon the Lord in new and exciting ways. But now I'm seeing the many women that the Lord has brought into my life to walk alongside and encourage during their time in the valley, and I am realizing a new and (in my opinion) better way to get closer to the Lord.

Second, there is a warning. One the warning tells us the attitude by which we restore our brother/sister. Two, the warning tells us there are pitfalls for us who walk with our brother/sister. Our attitude must be that of compassion. We can't have an attitude of condemnation, pride or hypocrisy. I'm being driven to my knees to ensure that my heart is right before the Lord in the midst of trying to help those around me. Praying the Lord would keep me humble and keep my eyes open to my own sin. That He would break my heart and help me to see and hate sin as he sees and hates it. Praying that the Lord would uphold me and keep my walk steady as I try to steady those around me. It's kind of weird. It's not really my work, but God working through me to "put on skin" for the women that need a tangible touch from him. It makes me love Him so much more to experience it.

Verses two through four talk about our call to bear one anothers burdens and do so with humility. Not thinking more highly of ourselves that we ought to and examining our hearts WITHOUT comparison. That right there - examining WITHOUT comparison - is a huge deal! Just because I'm not steeped in the sins that are going on around me, doesn't mean I'm without sin or somehow better than someone else. We humans have such a twisted "sin scale" to measure how "good" some people are in comparison to the "heinous" crimes of others. But in reality, the Lord lumps in all sin together. It's just as awful to disobey your parents as it is to murder someone. My sin is not any less hurtful to the heart of my Father than the sin I'm helping my sisters in Christ with. When I avoid comparison and simply come naked and vulnerable to the Lord with my heart exposed for what it is, THEN and ONLY then, can I be dealt with appropriately. It is in THOSE moments that the Lord can speak plainly into my life the truth of my human condition. It is THEN that grace is so clear and uplifting. To know that as He removes the sin and cleanses me, I am so much more in touch with the real me! The me that Christ gave on Calvary - white, pure, holy and blameless by redemption!

The last two verses go back to the point: we have an obligation to the Body of Christ to help one another. Not out of spite or condemnation or duty, but out of love for Jesus and His work. As we learn the word, as we grow in knowledge, the application is to self and to others. We first obey and then teach others through our testimony how they can also obey and experience freedom from sin. I can help women who are struggling with unrighteous anger and some addictions. I can help women who are struggling with unbelief of who God is as their Father, Protector and Provider. But honestly, I am limited in what I can offer in helping women overcome food addictions. I am still walking that myself. I am still learning how to walk in freedom. But ultimately I will soar, like an eagle mounted up on His wings! And it is then, that I can begin to take steps to encourage others who are caught up in sin to do something about it. It is when I have the testimony of God's faithfulness in my own life that I can share the hope that speaks louder than words!

If I were to go to a sister in Christ and with as much love as possible tell her that an adulterous affair was sinful and she needed to stop, but then continue on in my own affair, I would be nothing more than a hypocrite! But when I walk daily by grace to be a godly wife and do the best I can to apologize for disrespectful acts or words, do the best I can to be thoughtful and put my husband and home as a top priority in my day, spend time praying for my husband, extending grace to my husband and receiving the grace I need for my fallen humanity ... THEN my testimony to a wife who is struggling is so much more powerful than the truth coming from a sin-ridden heart. I guess my point is...we can always speak the truth and tell people what the bible says ... but when we speak it from pure hearts and lives that live it out in action, we build a testimony that stands like a temple unto our Father. It is those times when the world sees our good deeds and praises our Father in heaven! Otherwise, they only see hypocrisy and remnants of Pharisees.

In summary, we have a choice of what we shall sow into eternity. We can develop the daily disciplines of an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ and glorify Him through obedience. We can reach out to others and begin helping them build their own testimonies, or not. The other side would be to stay in our prideful, sinful pits and as a community of believers, we'll all be rendered ineffective. God's name would not be glorified and the rocks would be left to do the job of singing His praises. Personally, I'd rather be the one honoring and glorifying the One who gave me so much. The One who loves me and gave me life and continues to revive me every day!

What about you?

Spiritual Warfare

As of yesterday I thought I was losing my mind. I think as women, most of us can identify with PMS, or being moody, or just being a bit "over-emotional", but I promise you, I had never felt such intense emotions as the ones that hit me yesterday and carried through most of today. At first, I thought 'PMS'. Then I thought 'stress'. Then I thought...'okay...way more stress than I had first realized'. Then...'okay...I'm having a nervous breakdown....What on earth was going on with me?"

I had not felt such intense anger and rage since before I had been saved. Emotions that erupted like Mount Kilauea just came spewing forth this horrid stream of anger, bitterness, fear, anxiety and hatred. It was like nothing I had ever felt since becoming a Christian...and certainly nothing I would expect to experience as a Christian.

I floundered in a sea of raging thoughts about my husband and the stresses of life...trying just to breathe in the midst of the terrible storm. I gasped beneath the weight of what seemed like overwhelmingly long lists of things that needed to be done. I felt pierced and racked by every perceived injustice from my husband. My "okay" and "peaceful" pictures of life suddenly had darkened and taken a horrible turn. I felt so lost and confused in the midst of it all. It was all I could do not to lash out physically at everything and everyone around me.

Last night, after work and running some errands with a friend, we got home around 7pm. This is normally Jonathan's bath and "get ready for bed" time. We still needed to eat dinner and what not, so we rushed through our bed time routine and when I had put him to sleep, I sank down on my bed and began to weep uncontrollably. Tears gushed out the intensity of the emotional river I had tried to bank throughout the day. When the sobbing subsided, the anger returned and I clean when I get angry. But even so, the intensity of my emotions was so raw, it even made working difficult.

Today, the storm raged on. I figured by now, it was an emotional breakdown. I could hardly talk to anyone without breaking down in tears. I sent an email to a very few close friends that are wonderful women of prayer! I explained very little, asked them not to ask, and just to pray for me. I felt like I was hanging on for dear life.

Then, as suddenly as these emotions appeared, this afternoon, a still small voice (that of the Lord Himself) whispered to my heart..."Cast all your anxiety on him who cares for you." I shot back "How?...I don't even know what's going on with me!" The answer was not one I expected..."The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy...he is like a roaring lion, seeking whomever he can devour". And though I hadn't seen the lurking stalker as the source of the storm before this moment, it was like the sun parted the blackened skies and shone a spotlight on the enemy.

This was a spiritual attack!!?

And just like that...the enemy vanished. Peace washed over me like nothing I have ever felt in my life. Suddenly in the midst of the storm, the sea was calm. I was safe and the world as I knew it was not falling apart. The rage, the anger, the nasty emotions that had been soiling my soul were washed away. The negative and hateful thoughts about my husband and my life came to an immediate halt and the world seemed so still. Like a sudden thunder storm that passes quickly, sunshine radiated through the clouds and I could feel the warmth where only cold elements once beat relentlessly.

So why? Why would the enemy strike so suddenly, so severely and through my emotions? I'm not sure I know the entire reason, but I do know that Saturday was a pivotal moment for me spiritually. At the women's conference, I relinquished my compulsive overeating chains to the cross. I vowed to walk in grace by faith from that moment forward as the Lord showed me how to walk in the freedom I have been given through Jesus Christ - freedom from the chains of overeating. Being that this sin has been the biggest barrier between me and the Lord, I can't imagine the enemy was happy about losing that battle. My enemy knows how emotions are the biggest and easiest trigger to my compulsive behavior pattern. He threw in the attack on my family relationships as an added bonus to separate me from the support I have...to isolate me even further!

I thank God that there is nothing the enemy can do to me that has any power! The enemy has no victory! Jesus came in and swept away that little storm like it was nothing. (Although it felt like WW III to me before then!) The truth came in to dispel the lies and lift me up!

What an amazing day! It started off feeling like the world was crumbling...my mind was going...and life seemed like a long dark tunnel. It has ended in rays of amazing sunshine where I am resting in the comfort and peace of my Savior! Lord, you are Awesome! And you are Mighty to Save!! Thank you for rescuing me! Thank you for prayer warriors! Thank you for your still small voice and that I could actually hear it! How I love you Jesus and am so grateful you stay so close to me! Your protective hand is such a great comfort to me! LORD....you truly are AMAZING GOD!!