As of yesterday I thought I was losing my mind. I think as women, most of us can identify with PMS, or being moody, or just being a bit "over-emotional", but I promise you, I had never felt such intense emotions as the ones that hit me yesterday and carried through most of today. At first, I thought 'PMS'. Then I thought 'stress'. Then I thought...'okay...way more stress than I had first realized'. Then...'okay...I'm having a nervous breakdown....What on earth was going on with me?"
I had not felt such intense anger and rage since before I had been saved. Emotions that erupted like Mount Kilauea just came spewing forth this horrid stream of anger, bitterness, fear, anxiety and hatred. It was like nothing I had ever felt since becoming a Christian...and certainly nothing I would expect to experience as a Christian.
I floundered in a sea of raging thoughts about my husband and the stresses of life...trying just to breathe in the midst of the terrible storm. I gasped beneath the weight of what seemed like overwhelmingly long lists of things that needed to be done. I felt pierced and racked by every perceived injustice from my husband. My "okay" and "peaceful" pictures of life suddenly had darkened and taken a horrible turn. I felt so lost and confused in the midst of it all. It was all I could do not to lash out physically at everything and everyone around me.
Last night, after work and running some errands with a friend, we got home around 7pm. This is normally Jonathan's bath and "get ready for bed" time. We still needed to eat dinner and what not, so we rushed through our bed time routine and when I had put him to sleep, I sank down on my bed and began to weep uncontrollably. Tears gushed out the intensity of the emotional river I had tried to bank throughout the day. When the sobbing subsided, the anger returned and I clean when I get angry. But even so, the intensity of my emotions was so raw, it even made working difficult.
Today, the storm raged on. I figured by now, it was an emotional breakdown. I could hardly talk to anyone without breaking down in tears. I sent an email to a very few close friends that are wonderful women of prayer! I explained very little, asked them not to ask, and just to pray for me. I felt like I was hanging on for dear life.
Then, as suddenly as these emotions appeared, this afternoon, a still small voice (that of the Lord Himself) whispered to my heart..."Cast all your anxiety on him who cares for you." I shot back "How?...I don't even know what's going on with me!" The answer was not one I expected..."The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy...he is like a roaring lion, seeking whomever he can devour". And though I hadn't seen the lurking stalker as the source of the storm before this moment, it was like the sun parted the blackened skies and shone a spotlight on the enemy.
This was a spiritual attack!!?
And just like that...the enemy vanished. Peace washed over me like nothing I have ever felt in my life. Suddenly in the midst of the storm, the sea was calm. I was safe and the world as I knew it was not falling apart. The rage, the anger, the nasty emotions that had been soiling my soul were washed away. The negative and hateful thoughts about my husband and my life came to an immediate halt and the world seemed so still. Like a sudden thunder storm that passes quickly, sunshine radiated through the clouds and I could feel the warmth where only cold elements once beat relentlessly.
So why? Why would the enemy strike so suddenly, so severely and through my emotions? I'm not sure I know the entire reason, but I do know that Saturday was a pivotal moment for me spiritually. At the women's conference, I relinquished my compulsive overeating chains to the cross. I vowed to walk in grace by faith from that moment forward as the Lord showed me how to walk in the freedom I have been given through Jesus Christ - freedom from the chains of overeating. Being that this sin has been the biggest barrier between me and the Lord, I can't imagine the enemy was happy about losing that battle. My enemy knows how emotions are the biggest and easiest trigger to my compulsive behavior pattern. He threw in the attack on my family relationships as an added bonus to separate me from the support I have...to isolate me even further!
I thank God that there is nothing the enemy can do to me that has any power! The enemy has no victory! Jesus came in and swept away that little storm like it was nothing. (Although it felt like WW III to me before then!) The truth came in to dispel the lies and lift me up!
What an amazing day! It started off feeling like the world was crumbling...my mind was going...and life seemed like a long dark tunnel. It has ended in rays of amazing sunshine where I am resting in the comfort and peace of my Savior! Lord, you are Awesome! And you are Mighty to Save!! Thank you for rescuing me! Thank you for prayer warriors! Thank you for your still small voice and that I could actually hear it! How I love you Jesus and am so grateful you stay so close to me! Your protective hand is such a great comfort to me! LORD....you truly are AMAZING GOD!!
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