Well folks, it is almost official. In a few days, Shea and I will have been married for ONE whole year! :) Wow...I've said "time flies" before, but man, did time fly or what? Here we are at the end of the first year and I have to say that being married is and isn't what I expected it to be.
First, it is what I expected it to be in the way of being a blessing and a challenge to grow closer to Christ. I absolutely enjoyed being loved the way my husband loves me in our home. He respects, serves, and loves me in ways that are so unique to marriage. I was able to see him up close and get to know him beyond what dating allows. Sure, seeing every side of a person also reveals stuff less glamorous than we first thought, but it also allows us to see the unique creation God has given us in the spouse we married. I have been blessed to see Shea's softer side (less macho), more of his humor, and the amazing ways he loves people. Of course, as much as any person prepares for marriage, it still isn't all what you expect it to be.
With all the blessing comes challenges too, and it was here that, despite all my lengthy preparations, I was still take aback at how difficult marriage could really be. I had to let go of so much "self" in the marriage relationship. Ladies, it doesn't end with the name change, let me tell you! So much of who you are is exposed to a person...an imperfect person. As a Christian, it was all I could do to render myself vulnerable to a perfect and loving God who adores me unconditionally. How in the world was I supposed to be that vulnerable before a mere man? But this first year, I think that process is well underway - that development of a habit of vulnerability.
Layer after layer of who I really was, was left for Shea's examination and exposure. He could see my "good side" AND my "not so good side". And what I found (Praise the Lord) was a man, although an imperfect sinner himself, who adored me unconditionally anyway! How amazing is that? I showed my "ugly" side and my dear husband loved me anyway! That...is such a testimony to the Lord.
I say that because I was challenged likewise. I got to see the "ugly" side of Shea. I was exposed to his weaknesses and faults. I got a backstage pass to the reality of him as a whole. And just as Shea had the choice of his response, I had to choose how I would respond. I admit I didn't always respond appropriately, but with the year before being so focused on prayer, the year we have spent being married has also taken on a prayer focus. I had to learn to be a wife that was safe and not critical, supportive and not adversarial, loving and not distant...which took the power of Christ in me to accomplish in even the smallest measures. And prayer was the key...that and two superb, godly women to help me keep my head on straight! :) LOL
And this week, as I have thought back over everything, I am so very grateful at His work in my heart. There is still such a long way to go, but WOW, what a beautiful restoration He is orchestrating in my life! Chipping away at hardness of heart. Cracking through the steely pride. Breaking down walls of insecurity, and ripping up the roots of selfishness. I mean, even being a single parent didn't drive me to give up the level of selfishness that this first year of marriage challenged me to give up or make me dig down to the depth of my soul that this phase of my life has. It's amazing at how far He has brought me in only one short year! It makes me marvel at the years to come....what He is doing now...what He will do...I seriously get goosebumps thinking about it!! :D
Father, you are so amazing to me!! Thank you! Thank you, with all that I am, for granting me the joy of your salvation and giving me a willing spirit to sustain me! I never had a clue how amazing that would be!
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