Beautiful Beautiful by Francesca Battistelli

10:14 AM

Reflecting on a Heavy Heart

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything other than relaying my trip to Oregon. So now I figured it was time to expose my heart a bit. It’s not my usual spiritual breakthrough that has prompted me to write, but rather my desert wandering that has put me in a reflective mood.

I’m so thirsty I can hardly stand it. I’m so dry and weary in a spiritual sense that everything seems to sap the life out of me. My food addiction has taken on new levels of ravenous binging and my TV watching steals away hours of precious time while my heart grows weaker. This is the perfect time to stop, repent and regroup. However, I find myself dealing with another old enemy of mine. It’s a monster that encompasses apathy, pride, self-centeredness, and unbelief. It whispers how needless repentance is and how my sin is minor and unworthy of note. It beckons me to lie down in laziness and forgo the fight to put myself back in right standing with the Lord. Then it tells me that I’m not worthy to be right before the Lord and that it would take too much effort to get there…effort that is fruitless and in vain so “why bother?”. It’s a horrible beast within me that I have come against countless times in my walk with Christ.

So here I am, at the threshold of decision – to fight or lay down in defeat. It’s easier to accept defeat, but only for a moment. The pain and agony of death swallows life whole and leaves nothing but emptiness behind. Fighting leaves its scars as well, but the promise is life and life abundantly. The promise is that I will never be left or forsaken, never alone. The promise is that it is not me who fights, but a perfect Victor who has already won the battle – it is He who fights for me. It is He who triumphs over the evil taking me hostage and binding me in chains of addiction and sin.

So, without the will, the belief, or the strength to move myself, I submit to Grace. I can’t fix what I’ve done. I can’t take it back. I can’t make up for it by bashing myself or berating myself into obedience. I simply submit to Grace. Unmerited, unearned, undeserved Grace that covers my sin and allows me to stand whole and perfect as Christ Himself before the Almighty Father. With a heart that begs I will not travel this road again. With a heart that is in awe of a love that seeks such a wretched outcast as me. Why does He do it? I will never fully understand it, but I do believe that much.

I believe the words of the gospel of Jesus Christ – that He came to seek and save that which is lost…and I am certainly lost. I’m a sheep that has lost my way from my Shepherd. What a glorious day to be rescued.

11:37 AM

My Fantastic-Wish-It-Wasn't-Over Vacation!

So my vacation was so incredibly busy, that I didn’t stop to “twitter” as much as I thought I would…hence, I have a really long blog to let you all in on the wonderful time I had traveling to, staying in and coming home from Oregon! Hopefully you’ll enjoy reading it because I sure enjoyed remembering it!

I left out on June 26th…Max was tied in his doggie booster seat in the front passenger seat. Jonathan was in the back seat with his DVD player and box of activities. The cooler was loaded with water and snacks and music was at my fingertips. It seemed to take almost the whole first day to get out of Texas! LOL The excitement was definitely electrifying. :D We arrived in Albuquerque without a hitch, and our hotel room was wonderful. We checked in, got a good night’s rest and left for Las Vegas the next morning. The second day was the shortest portion of the trek cross country, but I mistakenly booked a hotel in Vegas that was not pet-friendly. Without the ability to move that on the way to Oregon, I was stuck with limited options – hunt around for a pet-friendly hotel and spend money I knew I didn’t have, or sneak the dog into the hotel. I opted for the latter and the guilt was punishment enough that I really didn’t enjoy our luxurious accommodations! Huge, comfy room, gorgeous marble and glass bath, 52” HD TV, a great view of the city lights at night and several very yummy restaurants just downstairs. The next morning, we left in a chaotic, messy car that had it’s first major spill (coffee through my seat and all over the floorboard and a puppy mess in the back seat). It took me over an hour to get the car suitable for driving – though still in desperate need of shampooing and a more thorough cleaning! Then we headed out to our final destination – Grants Pass, OR! This last stretch was the longest, measuring 900 miles and over 12 solid hours of driving. We arrived in the early morning hours of Tuesday and despite being pretty tired, I was bubbling with joy!

On the drive over, much of the scenery was flat and barren. But I can still picture the skies of deep blue, the beauty of rolling hills, the wide variety of animals, the painted clouds, and majesty of the mountains and rock formations! It swelled my heart to see what God had made and it was wonderful to enjoy it with my son – even if we did have to sit in the car for hours on end, three days in a row to witness it all! :D

Upon arrival, I wasn’t able to see my brother because, fortunately for him and unfortunately in the timing, he was hired and started a new job the night we got there. So my beautiful sister-in-law let us in and we went to bed. A few hours later, I woke up (out of habit or excitement, I’m not sure), and called my mom to plan out our day. We decided against the river trip and opted for lunch, a movie and walking downtown instead. It was so great! We visited George’s and took in the nostalgia of their long-standing yummy popcorn. I marveled at all the shops up and down 6th street. Our last stop was the old time soda fountain for drinks and an ice cream. I could hardly believe it was still there! I loved that place as a kid! (I hardly went, but I really liked it when I did go!) We rounded out the day seeing Toy Story 3 in 3D. What a great first day at home!

Wednesday, I woke up more sore than I had been in I can’t remember how long. I couldn’t believe how sore all that driving made my body. I felt like I had done a million push-ups and I had knots in my calves the size of Texas! LOL I spent the morning with my friend Teri and her kids! Jonathan had a few lessons in how treat girls – which were sweet and funny! And I got to visit with Teri, catching up on all the wonderful things the Lord has been doing. It was blessing to see her sweet face and know, that despite the challenges of the past couple of years, she is still holding strong. I am so inspired by her!

After that, it was low key time with my brother Richard for a bit while we waited for my sister Brandy to get back from the Portland airport with my other brother Douglas, who had just flown home! When they arrived, it was the most incredible feeling to have all four of us walk in to Richard’s house at the same time. Looking around, I couldn’t believe how grown-up we were...how different we were and yet how familiar, warm and great it felt to be together again. The jokes, jab and jeers set in pitting brothers against sisters and we filled the late part of the afternoon with hanging out until Richard had to go to work! :D Later that night was the first night I got to see my littlest nephew! It was only for a few minutes and he was tired and ready for bed when we got there, but it great seeing him in person - even cuter than his pictures!!

Thursday, we hung out some more and I got to see my other niece and nephew - Kaylee and Shayne! Then that evening I went to a church meeting with my mom. It was that evening, that I marveled at the changes God has made in my mom over the past few years. He’s grown her, made her heart tender and created a friendship between the two of us that I now treasure beyond words. We were able to share a bit of the common struggle we share of food addiction. I regret I spent more time talking than listening; my heart was so excited, I think my mouth got a way from me a bit. Yet, the memory of sitting at the table, sharing with my mom is one of those precious moments, I will treasure for a long time.

Friday, I finally got to spend some substantial time with my brother Richard and spent the day hanging out with him and my nephew Landon! The few bits of time I had spent with Landon up to this point, he had been dealing with the changes in his little world – daddy’s all of sudden not around all day (because of the new job), daycare, and strange people are in his house that seem to want to invade his space, talk to and play with him all the time! LOL Poor little guy. It took him a while to warm up to us a bit. But on Friday, with my brother off from his new job, things were “back to normal” enough that Landon opened up a bit and we got to see more of his adorable, fun personality. Mind you, for those of you who don’t know my family, Landon is about 19 months old. He was entertaining us with his knowledge of all of the animal sounds – dog, cat, bear, elephant, tiger, sheep, ducks, chickens…it was so super cute! Then he showed us the “butt dance” and “spaz” – which, I’m sorry to say the following words won’t do them justice…you just have to experience them for yourself! LOL His butt dance is a very rhythmic little wiggle where he puts his hands on his bum, bends his knees and gives us a little dance! “Spaz” is a hilarious motion where my sweet nephew, on cue, widens his eyes, tenses up his little body and shakes like he’s stuck his finger in a light socket. I just about fell on the floor the first time my brother showed me the move! Landon loved entertaining us…well…as long as mom or dad was somewhere in sight!

The weekend at home was filled with shopping, cooking, cleaning and having family over for cookouts! Our family reunion was on Saturday…supposed to be around 12:30, most everyone arrived by 2:30/3pm LOL. We had some great burgers and hotdogs thanks to Richard! Yummy! I baked cupcakes and bought decorations, thinking I was going to have the kids decorate some of them, and I would do the rest. However, it ended up the kids decorated one each and the adults had a fantastic time decorating the rest! It was awesome! I saw my cousins Brian and Lori and my aunt Debbie and uncle Rich whom I haven’t seen in ages! Lori I hadn’t seen since my leave after bootcamp 11 some years ago! It was crazy to see everyone all grown up. My cousin Brian had a son about Jonathan’s age, so him, Jonathan and my nephew Shayne all got to play together. We hung out till early evening and then got to cleaning up – after all, we had a scheduled repeat of the same thing for the next day!

Sunday, for the 4th of July, my mom, Jonathan and I went to a church meeting held down at the Riverside Park. If I’m not mistaken, a couple of churches – maybe more – got together and held services down there. They had baptisms in the river. It was great! We sat at a picnic table near the playground and held a little family devotion for Jonathan’s benefit, then we cut him loose. Mom and I read through Romans 7 and 8 and talked about our struggle against the flesh and the victory through Christ. As we were heading out, I ran into one of my friends from our school days and her mom. Sarah and Janet Mathis were at the service that morning and it was great that I was able to pass along my gratitude for David (father and husband) when he was the youth pastor at the church in Wolf Creek when I was growing up. He was one of several people the Lord used in my life to bring me to Christ! And it was great to see Sarah with her lovely girls (and a baby on the way)!

I was so blessed to see so many friends while in Oregon: Teri, Sarah, Olivia, and Sierra! I got to catch up with them and see how lives had changed and people had grown! It makes me long to live in Oregon again – where I would be closer to all those I hold so dear in my heart!

But anyway…back to my chronology of events. So Sunday morning after church, we headed out to Sunny Valley with my cousins. We had a great time when we took all the kids to my uncle and aunt’s house. My sister and her whole family met us out there. We played in our old swimming hole down at the creek and I thought it was pretty funny to see my city-fied self and son march through the poison oak and brush trying to get to the swimming hole! All of us reminisced about all the times we went down there as kids…the blackberry picking…the hot summer days…the long gravel road…how we foolishly jumped from several spots along the creek that now loomed rather dangerous looking from our new grown-up perspective. It was awesome remembering the simplicity of life back then and it made me long even more to live there. My heart wants Jonathan to have those kinds of summer days – catching crawdads and playing in the creek, walking along the driveway picking blackberries….playing in the woods, watching out for rattle snakes and catching lizards. Ahhh…life really was simple back then.

We had lunch and toured my aunt and uncle’s house. The wood, being harvested straight from their property, was absolutely gorgeous and it was great to see how much they had done on their house since the last time we visited. Then we headed back to my brother Richard’s house, where we had Candace’s side of the family over. They drew a four square court and set up badminton outside! The guys made a new game out of running and sliding across over-sized exercise balls…hopefully I can post the video…it was seriously funny! :D My sister and I got to hang out and really talk for a long time that night. Eventually, I think we were told to quit talking and come enjoy the fireworks! Jonathan had a blast lighting them! It was so sweet of them to include him that way! The night rounded out with Guitar Hero and I had another perfect day of vacation!

Monday came and it was time to head to the coast! I couldn’t go back to Texas without seeing the ocean. And God made it so that my brother Richard and his wife Candace BOTH had the day off, so everyone except my sister and her family were able to go hang out in Brookings at Harris beach that day! On the way there, my well traveled puppy decided the road was a bit too winding for him, and he threw up on me…that was seriously gross! Just glad I had an extra shirt to wear and lots of baby wipes to use for cleanup! :D lol When we arrived, it was 70 degrees, a bit windy, and the most gorgeous blue skies we could have that day. Stepping onto the sand, the funniest site erupted. My dog Max who has never been on sand – EVER! – began to jump around like he was having a seizure, absolutely freaking out at the feel of the ground beneath his paws. I felt so bad for him, but I couldn’t pick him because I was doubled over laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe! Poor puppy! But no worries, the torture was short-lived and he got used to the sand and found driftwood to play fetch with!

We set our stuff down and headed to the water, where my insane brother Douglas dove straight into the arctic waves of icy, bone-chilling water. My barely recovering puppy was washed back up on the shore, and looked so sad, sopping wet and covered in sand. Jonathan wasn’t having any more of that kind of cold water and headed back to the warmer parts of the beach. After taking video of the breath-taking scenery, I settled into watching my son play soccer with some “big boys” on the beach and playing fetch with my now dried off, warmed up and settled in puppy! We didn’t stay too awfully long. The winds were pretty fierce and as majestic as the scenery is, sand gets into everything and that gets uncomfortable pretty quickly. So after the soccer game and a brief, unsuccessful meeting with a fellow Chihuahua, we packed up and headed into town for lunch. (That other chihuahua was the catalyst for Max to finally warm up to someone other than me, when my brother and Cassie – Candace’s sister, were his only refuge from the pursuing Chihuahua who wanted to play) – another funny moment to remember!

Oh…side note, my crazy brother Doug, also made an incredible short film as the star of “Which Sea Gull is going to eat my Chip?” He guessed wrong, and it was pretty funny to watch! And my other brother Richard got bird poo on the head…yes, we love our baby wipes!

We headed to Wild River pizza for lunch, where Jonathan exercised his leadership skills in schooling some fellow kids his age. After he had to leave their kids’ game of pool to eat his lunch, a couple of them came up to Jonathan and while I didn’t hear about the problem, Jonathan’s wise response was “Don’t tattle tale, just play nice together”. LOL

That night, I went to see my childhood friend – Sierra! I got to see and hold her new baby and talk for a long while. We reminisced about crazy nights where we snuck out to meet in the woods…just because we lived on neighboring hills…friends we had through the years and what everyone was doing and how we had changed or stayed the same. After that, we went to bed pretty tired and I got up the next day to my last day in Oregon. I couldn’t believe it had gone by so quickly. I did miss my husband, but I so could have stayed another week! (or more) I met Olivia at the park that morning and we had a good time catching up and playing with the kids! We even fed the various birds down by the river. That night we had an impromptu b-day dinner for my niece Kaylee!

It was so great seeing my sister’s kids and hanging out with them throughout the week! Shayne reminds me so much of Jonathan. He’s a lot more verbal, but has the same tender heart, the same love and energy for life and all things active. He is all boy and is very much an outdoor kind of kid! Kaylee is the shy, quiet one. She’s pretty girly, but definitely can hold her own with the boys. Very affectionate and eager to please. And I absolutely love shopping for her as the only girl in the family! She is my reason to buy pink!!! LOL I loved being with them and have resolved that at least letter writing and pictures will have to be frequent, so I can keep our families tied more closely than the past five years. If I can’t be the aunt Shannon living nearby who takes them to the movies, to the park and out shopping…then at least I can be a good pen-pal and send awesome gifts for Christmas and birthdays!

Overall, I can’t say enough great things about my trip. With exceptions unworthy of noting, every day was a perfect day. The cold crisp mornings, taking in the fresh air scented with pine trees and freshly cut Oregon grass, seeing deer just off the front patio, the endless greenery, the quaint shops and small town life all around me….the countless stars in heaven every night that weren’t drowned out by city lights. All of it was purely magnificent! Spending time with my family and seeing how friendships have formed over the years between siblings and parents…growth that has brought us a long way from the chaos and dysfunction of our pasts…healing the Lord has provided and continues to provide in amazing ways…the joys and wonders of being a part of this family that I hadn’t before appreciated with such depth and gratitude! I am in awe and already miss them all more than I can say. I’d give just about anything to go back or even move back, but I have a blessed life here in Texas that I love too. My life here is established and wonderful and filled to overflowing with graces from the Lord. So unless the Lord moves us, I’ll just have to make a point to visit home often and count myself among the few who can have so much in more than one place. I have a mountain of blessing here in Texas and another there in Oregon. I love you my dear family and precious friends! I’ll be back again soon – Lord willing! :D

6:08 AM

Off Course

I am sure everyone feels this way at some point, but I am way off course. My head, my heart, my body...even the most steady part of me - my mind - is all off course. I could berate myself and list all of the little things I did wrong that landed me in the middle of no where instead of the plotted destination, but with me...it's just a matter of discipline. This year for me has been about discipline (or should I say, the lack thereof). My latest and greatest showing of it was managing to gain almost 20 pounds in 2 1/2 weeks. Wow. I usually only average 10lbs in a year. I doubled that in a matter of days. But that is what happens when you dive back into overeating.


When I think about it, I am not sure I ever realized how awful the effects of overeating were. My past overeating was not at every meal and was not as bad as it has been the last couple of weeks. Having seen it, it is shocking what it has done to my body in such a short time and how badly I feel. I have not felt this bad in at least 6 months.


But if I have figured anything out about discipline (which honestly I have not figured out much), I have realized that discipline only happens under God's grace. My legalism surged and thus surged my rebellion. I can only keep my tongue in check when God's grace is on my heart. Then the words I speak are of His grace and not my own wickedness. I know the same has to be true with this overeating venture. I have lost sight of His grace on me for the past month when it comes to exercise and eating...legalism set in and in the end, I rebelled by eating everything I could stuff my face with.


So here we go again...back to the foot of the cross to confess my sin and seek His grace. Without Him, I have no hope to turn my life around with respect to diet and exercise. Gluttony is a sin. Laziness is too! Recent events are a picture of how sin gives birth to death. Now to gain some respect for my Lord and be empowered by His grace.

12:37 PM

A Marathon? Really?

I must be crazy! It's pretty surreal to think I'm really doing this...I'm training for a marathon!


Wow! So this week is only week 1...it's about being on my feet and walking a lot. I've gotten out of the habit of longs walks with my dogs, thus out of the habit of walking. So we're starting there with 30 minutes 3 times a week. Next week, I'll integrate interval jogging and swimming as well...it's an upward progression that gets me to running and then running longer and faster.


The event is the Big D Texas Marathon next April. It gives me 10 months to train, but even so, we're talking going from little exercise to running 26.2 miles in less than 6 hours (There is a cap to the marathon time). It's recommended a first time marathon runner train well for 4-6 months. Being where I am, I need the added 4 months to make sure I actually finish!


I've not really undertaken a lot of big goals in my life, but as I've incorporated discipline little by little, this is the first time I'm really thinking "this is not impossible". That's huge for me! I said I would get married...I'm married. I said I would be an Awana leader - I did it. I said I would do an at home bootcamp - I did. I'm still working at losing my excess weight, but slowly it is coming off. I said I would graduate from college - I just completed the Spring Term and even aced one of my finals with a score of 100. So I'm doing it. I'm making goals and keeping them. I'm failing some and getting back up, dusting myself off and pressing forward! And THAT is all anyone can do.


So here is my next goal - run a marathon. Lord help me, it is a daunting task, much like losing my excess weight and getting completely out of debt. But little by little, week by week - I'll get there and cross the finish line! The journey of a 1000 miles begins with the first step, right? :D

7:36 PM

Mother's Day Reflection

It isn't every day us moms stop long enough to take a deep breath, much less, sit down to a computer and write out our deep thoughts about what it is that God somehow deemed us fit to parent His creations. But today, that's what I'm doing...well, at least it's my attempt.

I'm in absolute awe that God would look down into all the world and pick me of all people to mother my son, Jonathan. How in the world did He decide I would be the right one for the job of cultivating such a tender and sensitive heart? What made Him think I would know how to deal with his stubbornness and willfulness? Can I possibly direct that for the glory of God? Could He have ever thought I was capable of training up such a treasured child as Jonathan? These questions and others have often buzzed in my head with no certain and accepted answers in sight. Then I realize I'm coming at it from the wrong angle - how typical. It wasn't about me at all. Sure God chose me to be a mom, but it was out of grace - His unmerited favor and undeserved pardon. It was NOT because of some inate capabilities, skills or qualities. It was because of His Sovereign Grace!

Realizing that is rather humbling - far more humbling than the line of questioning that preceded the realization.

God has a masterful plan - one so detailed, intricate, delicate, and vast, it is incomprehensible! Yet, I am woven into the fabric of this masterpiece as a mom. Chosen to bear, responsible to train, and accountable to the overwhelming task of mothering Jonathan. Oh how impossible a task were it not for the same Grace that called me in the first place!

Mother's Day is but one day on some commercial calendar for the economic benefit of Hallmark and like companies, but every day is a day to remember what an honor and privilege and heavy responsibility motherhood really is! God's grace to each and every mom out there - in abundance!

7:06 PM

Poem: Burden of My Heart

The burden of myheart grows heavy
It weighs my spirit down
This burden I cannot bear
It's chains are all around

I long to know its name
I wish it would rest
To lay it in another place
Oh I'd be so blessed

But I somehow carry on
without an end in sight
longing for a rescue
from the darkness of this plight

Yet a lesson to be learned
from each and every place
a road of teaching to travel
a journey about His grace

This burden of my heart grows heavy
I struggled to carry on
Darkness wraps me tightly
I pray to see the dawn

But in light of no reprieve
I settle in His arms
and ask again to realize
all my lack of charms

For what other reason
Would a loving God bring
a wilderness experience
a heart of suffering

Than to teach His precious child
the tenderness of Grace
to hold her in His arms
and look into her face

Reminding her of love
so deep and long and wide
that bears each bit of burden
when in Him she does abide

Yes, this burden of my heart grows heavy
Indeed the chains are long
But my God is mighty in power
My Savior is very strong

He'll overcome this heartache
He will see me through
To the other side of darkness
where skies are clear and blue

Where my burden will be lifted
My tears wiped clean away
Where the dark of the night
becomes the dawn of day

The burden of my heart grows heavy
It weighs my spirit down
But it will not have the victory
Because His love abounds

6:50 AM

Practicing A Little Frugality

So I know I have NOT been practicing my frugal shopping habits for at least the last month. But I was inspired by an interview with the author of "Miserly Moms" - Jonni McCoy. So I decided since we had not done our grocery shopping yet, I would practice one of her tips that I had not done before. "Shop Loss Leaders".


Grocery stores put out ads each week that include a few items that they "lose money" on because they want you to come in and buy the rest of your grocery list at their store. I admit, I like my "one-stop shopping" mentality, but I decided to peruse the ads and see if I could create my meal plan around the loss leaders advertised in various stores. I have to say I was pretty impressed. With only one coupon, I bought almost two weeks worth of groceries for our family and spent $88.46. It's only Wednesday and I don't have to do any grocery shopping until Friday the 30th! :D


That is a huge savings compared to the $150.00 per week we have been spending on groceries. I can only imagine if I were to go back to collecting and clipping my coupons what I could save! :D Woo whooo! But for now, I'll take my $88.46 and be happy with it!

10:44 AM

Abiding Trust

I don't think I ever realized how many things I have been holding to very tightly in my life until the Holy Spirit began to ask me to give them up. Now, I find my heart hurting as I seek to surrender these precious things to the Lord: being a stay at home mom, having my picture of a godly home, having my picture of a godly husband, and even just being free to speak what's on my mind.


It's not that I think the Lord is out to punish me or that he will not ever give these things back to me. Rather, it is like the story of the little girl who wanted some dime store pearls in the window of a little store. She saved and saved and finally bought them and they became her most prized possession. Then, when her daddy asked her to give them up to him, she struggles immensely. She offers up every other "precious" thing to him, where he kindly responds, 'No thank you. I love you.' Finally, she sits before him with huge tears and a broken heart and gives her father the dime store pearls - her act of saying 'I love you more than these.' Then, in exchange, he gives her a string of genuine pearls. But she didn't know he would do that...and I don't know if God will give me back the things I hold tightly to either. But I do know He will give me something genuine and far more precious than what I now think of as "genuine and precious".


'Dying to self' has a whole new dimension to it now. It's not "bad things" that God is asking me to surrender. He's asking me to give up "good things", "godly things", things that are not wrong to want...except when I want them more than God. I'm learning so much about my Father's jealousy. He will go to great lengths to be #1 in my heart. He will dive in deep with his skilled surgeon's hand and cut out those ugly parts of my heart - parts I didn't even realize were ugly. The whole process can only be accomplished by His supernatural work.


How very desperate I have become for His grace in these last few months! If there was ever a time in my life where I depended on Him more, it greatly pales in comparison to the desperation of today. How much I long to be close enough to Him that I stop feeling the fear and insecurity associated with all this change. How my flesh hates to be thwarted this way and how vulnerable I am to the attacks of Satan himself.


But in His infinite wisdom and faithfulness, God has rallied His body around me with words of wisdom and encouraging truth. There is purpose in the pain. He is good and Sovereign. He is PRESENT in the fire! He has already defeated my enemy. And as helpless and sometimes hopeless as it might seem - He is my help and my hope always! This season in my life is about deep, abiding trust. It's about trusting the hand that leads me when I'm not sure where we're going. It's about abiding when I'm not sure where we're going won't hurt - in fact, I'm pretty sure that it WILL hurt. At this point, here in the valley, I have to trust His heart, knowing He has promised a plan for my life that is for my good and His glory!

6:01 AM

Is He Enough?

I was challenged with this question yesterday - "Is He enough?" It pierced my heart, because truthfully, I had to acknowledge that Jesus wasn't enough. I also wanted to stop having to endure my recent struggles. So my equation was no longer "Jesus", but "Jesus PLUS Pain Relief". It seems I had gotten my nose so close to my circumstances that I forgot to step back and admire God's tapestry in my life. I had become so anxious - even in my prayers - because I had forsaken gratitude. Caught up in the momentary, I had forgotten the eternal. I had erected an idol of Pain Relief in my life and the darkness that settled on my heart was scary and intensified the pain of my struggle to a breaking point. I walked into my counselor's office yesterday, for the first time I can remember in my Christian walk, without hope! How could I have lost my hope?


That is what happens when Jesus is not enough?


My hope had been removed from Christ and I put it in pain relief. I was tired of struggling. Tired of no end in sight to this particular trial. I was weary from the hurt my heart had to bear day in and day out. I would pray. I would read His word. I would pray some more. All the while, expecting that at some point, the pain would lessen - my "peace that surpasses all understanding" and my joy would overwhelm and dull the pain and make my circumstances less uncomfortable. But I was wrong. My prayers for relief went unanswered. My pleas for a pain-killer went unfulfilled. In all my wailing before the Lord, I had forgotten to stop and listen to His still small voice which was telling me that His grace was sufficient. So He asked me yesterday - "Am I enough?"


Psalm 23 begins "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want." What a picture of contentment! If He is my shepherd, my ever present help in time of need, my redeemer, my friend, my Emmanuel, then I shall not be in want. But if he's not enough, my heart suffers the dissatisfaction that always results from idolatry. So I had a choice to make - would I trust that He is enough?


Admittedly, I am in a place now where that "leap of faith" is a little scary. This layer of independence and pride has to be ripped from my heart if I'm going to put my trust in my Shepherd and Him alone. I don't want to endure pain or affliction, but to realize that my God would go to such great lengths to be closer to me, causes me to reconsider how I view recent trials. I realized, perhaps for the millionth time, that God is Good and God is Sovereign. He has a good and loving purpose for everything - including pain. All this follows closely on the heals of realizing that sanctification hurts...but even realizing that, I still wanted a "time out" from that painful sanctification to something - well - less painful! But now...now is the time when I choose my God over my pain and rejoice in the fellowship of His sufferings. Now is the time when I get to feel the depth and breadth of all of life - not just the feel good parts. And best of all - now is when I get to experience the very presence of my Creator. I get to stand in the fire with him and know that the dignity of my soul is protected even if life hurts - because in the end - He is enough!

7:42 AM

Sanctification Hurts

Today is one of those heart-wrenching days. I have felt alone, isolated and abandoned for some time now. Each day I do my best to walk through my day with my head up and a joyful heart for all the Lord has blessed me with. And that list is long. But reality is - I'm still struggling. I feel like I'm slowly drowning beneath the weight of emotions and stress. I hate stressing about things I can't change and have no control over. But I do have a bittersweet appreciation for how those things push me to the foot of the cross. I can't change them, but it's the hard rocks in life that change us. It is those uncontrollable things that God wields to chisel away the hardness and impurity of our fallen hearts.


Boy is He chiseling me today!


I really wanted to vent my frustrations and pent up emotions to my husband. We are experiencing a lot of tension right now in our marriage and so much is going unsaid. But because I set out on a journey to allow God's Word to change my heart, I am holding fast to my tongue and to Ephesians 4:29 where it says "do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen". I cannot speak to benefit me, the speaker. Before I give my tongue the freedom to loose the words of my heart, I have to know that those words are for the benefit of the hearer. Being that I am not sure of that, I have chosen not to speak - at least not speak fully the things inside.


That is a real struggle for someone is who is used to saying what's on her mind. I usually work through things "out loud". But I know the Lord says not one carelessly spoken word will be forgotten. Yes, should I fail, my sin is certainly forgivable, but I do not want to cause more damage where healing is already desperately needed.


So I guess that is one reason for my blog. Certainly do not expect to read the inner workings of my heart at this moment - I won't be writing them in the coming lines of text. But I wanted to share my struggle. So many of us can go on for years without ever finding healthy ways of communicating and relating to one another. And we can certainly miss out on the work the Lord is doing on our hearts, when we are quick to speak and refuse to hear Him. I am praising the Lord that He hasn't given up on me yet and that he's diligently working on my tongue and my heart. A year ago, I wouldn't have even thought through whether or not my words were beneficial to my husband - I would have just "gotten it off my chest" and worried about the repercussions later. But I have seen the devastation of words ill-spoken far too many times now.


Even so, it hurts not to speak too. It hurts to feel isolated and alone in my frustration and anguish. I'd much rather fight and get it all out, so I don't have to feel the pain anymore. But God reminds me - "Where do fights and quarrels come from?" They come from the desires of your own heart, Shannon. You want something and don't get it. You fight and quarrel to get it. But you don't have it, because you don't ask God. (James 4) So where this could easily be seen by some as unnecessary self-inflicted pain in keeping my words to myself, I want you to know that it's about allowing God to weed out those desires at war within my heart. Rather than doing battle with my husband, I am wrestling with the Lord. I am praying and begging for mercy and grace. I desperately need it. I need a working of His Spirit to gut out the sin of my heart, so that I can speak the truth in love...so I can be a vessel of His words and His heart. So I can speak wholesome words that are helpful for building up my husband and strengthening our marriage - words that benefit my husband instead of just tearing him down because I feel bad. Yet getting to that point means walking through the sometimes painful process called sanctification.


But oh, how thankful I am for a Savior that has saved a wretch like me. To fully see the darkness of one's own heart...it is an ugliness that leaves me without words. But to see God's fingerprints on my life...to see how He's at work. It gives me hope and joy unspeakable!! It renews me to keep fighting against my flesh, to keep trusting His word and His work in me. It is faith that grows when we allow light to shine on the darkness in our lives - and I am so very grateful for His light! I am so very grateful that He is sanctifying me - even if it hurts!


Lord, thank you for keeping my tongue still. Thank you for showing me where my words would have been damaging and selfish and not encouraging or uplifting. Please forgive me for resorting to sarcasm when I feel hurt. Please continue to work on me - change my heart and sanctify me so that I fully delight in you. I have not been in a place lately, where I can enjoy the intimacy we usually share, so please revive me. Bring me back into that tender place so that I can see your heart and your will for me. Shelter me from myself so that I can be used by you to serve my husband and serve my family. I don't want to be that contentious woman from the bible that makes her home so terrible, it's better to live on the roof than with me. Help me to find satisfaction and fulfillment in you so that I don't burden my husband with impossible tasks. Show me how to be a blessing instead of a curse. I love you Lord. Thank you for never forsaking me. Thank you for your grace and generosity and open arms when I keep failing you. Your patience is amazing. Keep working on me Lord. I still need you desperately. Open the eyes of my heart and make me tender to your ways. In Jesus Name, I pray - Amen.