In Awe

I'm sitting here marveling at God. I have no idea why it is that He choose to give me such an amazing life. No doubt there have been dark valleys..."valleys of the shadow of death"...but He has truly amazed me with how vividly He brings to life Romans 8:28 - working all things for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose. The ways He wove in family tragedies, pain, disobedience, and all the muck of my life and yet still painted such a beautiful, tender heart of compassion and a life abundantly filled with his blessings, I could never understand it all. I'm just in awe of His work.

A bit of that work seems to be a tenderness that has begun to hurt more and more lately. I look at the world around me and more and more I see it - the destruction, the chaos, the utter pain of His creation. I see pride, selfishness, and idolatry stealing away the very breath of life in each of us. I see lies slithering into our minds and binding us in heavy chains. I see us self-destructing under the guise of happiness. The whole scene makes me cry.

I cannot begin to fathom the depth of pain Jesus must have felt to weep for us. How deeply our Father grieves for us in all of our sin. For my heart to hurt so much and for me to be such a fallen person myself, I cannot grasp how much it must hurt the One whose heart knows no sin.

Lord, I praise you for this heart. I praise you for teaching me how desperately I need you each and every day. I ask that you please continue to tenderize my heart and give me wisdom. Teach me discernment and grace my tongue with your sword. Protect me from the enemy and help me to serve each and every person you have entrusted to me. Let me not fail you for my own pride, selfishness, and idolatrous flesh. Crucify those things in me which do not please you and use me as a guidepost for the person traveling behind me. Tenderize the hearts of those I have witnessed to and shared the gospel with. Call them to yourself and speak to their hearts with wild passion. Chase them Lord and break the hardness of their spirits. Show them again how much you love them. Lead me where you want me to go and keep reminding me that I should not have zeal without knowledge nor should I be hasty and miss the way!

I Stand in Awe

I had been in a high-stress mode for a little more than two weeks. Then, last Wednesday, I got a call from my son’s school. He had cut his lip with scissors and they were thus far unsuccessful at getting his lip to stop bleeding; I needed to pick him up right away and get medical attention. Through the entire ordeal, from the time I first laid eyes on his gruesome injury to the time we settled into bed later that night, suddenly the busyness had melted away. It was that day that peace seemed to re-enter my daily life. So very strange, but true. Yet realizing that it was this event that was responsible for slowing me down, I felt a little sad. How is it that it took something like that to make me stop in the craziness my life? Why am I so easily drawn into the outside edges of G0d-independent living? However, in that sadness, I am blessed because God goes to such great lengths to reach us and keep us near to Him and His heart. That is so amazing to me. He amazes me.

God has endless creativity in His vast array of ways to reach me, to touch me and to draw me close to Him. I could never do it justice in description, but how grateful I am for a Father as loving, as tender, as creative, as passionate, as awesome, as powerful, as wonderful as He!

In the past several days, life has been breathed back into my daily schedule. It never ceases to cause wonderment in the difference His presence makes in my day. The same crowded calendar doesn’t seem as busy or hectic. The same challenges and difficulties seem diminished into minor nuisances. Heartaches sting a little less. Disappointments are replaced with gratitude. Emptiness is filled to overflowing. Practically speaking, my housework is done, my homework completed, and suddenly there seems ample time to play Monopoly and Super Mario Bros Wii with my son. I even gave one of our dogs a bath. The scene of the last few days is a far cry from the exhaustion, monotony, and hardship of the days that preceded it even when the tasks and interactions were all the same.

Lord, I stand in awe of you. I’ll never understand why you picked me up out of the miry clay of oblivious slavery and gave me a place near your heart. I am only grateful that you did. I’ll never be able to repay you for the redemption you have given me. I can only give you the praises of my heart, mind and soul. You are truly an awesome and personal God, beyond my finite comprehension. May you accept this meager contribution to the wonder of your glory. I love you!

The Enemy Within

Romans 7:14-25 "For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin."

I have been reading a book called "The Enemy Within" by Kris Lundgaard. I highly recommend every born-again believer read it. I have been learning so much about this civil war, as we call it, between the Spirit and the flesh. It annoys me to say the least, that I know I am "free" in Christ and yet I continue to sin. Why is it so hard to NOT sin? Well, this book has helped me explore the scriptures and recognize the enemy within me and how this internal civil war is really being waged.

I now realize how little attention I have paid to this enemy called our "flesh". The fallen nature of humanity was sort of a secondary, non-consequential idea in the back of my head. But as I have studied to find the cure to my "Christian Sin Problem" - that is, the problem of being a Christian, but still struggling so intensely with sin, I discovered that I am my Christian sin problem. Positionally speaking, I am saved. God redeemed me through faith in the work of Jesus Christ on the cross. I was convicted of my sins, confessed them, repented and surrendered my life to the Lord. But salvation and sanctification as we all know, are two separate things.

Salvation is the positional change in our relationship with God.

"But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ." - Ephesians 2:13

Salvation means that our souls are no longer dead and we are no longer bound, without options, to sin and its eternally deadly consequences.

"All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in trangressions - it is by grace you have been saved." - Ephesians 2:3-5

Salvation is activated by the Holy Spirit in an act called "faith" and it is NOT a work of ourselves.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9

Sanctification is the act of working out our salvation with fear and trembling. (Philippians 2:12) Both salvation and sanctification are matters of faith - faith being defined as "Choosing to live as though the bible is true regardless of emotions, circumstances or cultural trends."

I have been frustrated by how simplistic and yet horribly difficult it seems to be to "walk by faith". Until I read this verse:

Philippians 2:13, "For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose."

Combine that with the fact that faith is a gift from God in the first place and not something that comes from within ourselves (so no one can boast), and what we have here is a reality that brings me to my knees. I CAN'T be good. It is not in my nature to do anything good or righteous or holy whatsoever.

Romans 3:10-12 "As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one."

But does that mean I do whatever I want just because my flesh is evil? In the words of Paul, "By no means!" Given this truth about how my flesh is evil, relentless, and absolutely depraved, and yet nothing I "do" can possibly fix it or counteract it, then I must surrender myself to the grace and mercy of God.

I've concluded, on this side of heaven, that there is an endless supply of things in my heart that need His grace and mercy through the sanctification process. Depravity brings me to my knees every time I think about it. When one impurity has been burned out, another surfaces. I am a desperate woman. One who, apart from Jesus Christ, is helpless, hopeless and purely evil. It is by grace that I have faith to be saved. It is by grace that I have faith to be sanctified. Not even the air I breathe comes to me apart from His grace. My only "job" is to realize that if I pray, read scripture, go to church, minister to others, share the gospel, feed and clothe the poor, help my neighbors, or any other "Christian" act, I can claim no victory of my own over my flesh. I can claim no glory of "good deeds done". There are no accolades for my "works". I can only claim His grace and praise Him, praise Him, praise Him. For HE alone gained victory.

We have an enemy within. That enemy viciously fights against God with everything it has. So I pray, before we blame Satan for the temptations of the day (and He is obviously still at work), that we'll remember the enemy we carry with us every single day throughout this earthly life - the enemy that never calls a cease-fire, never tires of battling against good and righteousness, and never lets up in the quest to destroy. Victory is certainly ours through Christ, but every bit of it is a gift. We have nothing good in ourselves to boast of and claim as our own work.

Today, I pray that when we have faith to battle against our flesh, when there is victory in a choice between good and evil, that it will be in those moments that we fall to our knees in gratitude for the work He has done in that moment. And when we sin, I pray we still fall to our knees, reminded of how very real and very intense our enemy is.

Wretched Woman!

Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you toward repentance? — Romans 2:4

Most certainly I have found myself in contempt today. I have been appalled lately by certain points of view regarding marriage. God has put such a tender place in my heart for how sacred the marriage covenant really is. His grace has pushed me to see my husband and my marriage so differently than I used to and seemingly very different than a great many professing Christians I speak with. However, in thinking through how watered down this particular subject has been in our culture today, God spoke to my heart about my own depravity. So what if I have a tender place for marriage in my thinking...if so much of the rest of my life displays contempt for his kindness, tolerance and patience!

Everything that does not come from faith - is sin. - Romans 14:23

That is my life. Where is my faith to spend each and every dollar as if it TRULY belonged to God and not me. Where is my faith that I am to glorify God with every word? Where is my heart of humility to serve my husband instead of constantly expecting him to serve me? Where is my faith to submit to the Lord and to my husband's leadership? Where is the faith that demonstrates unconditional love and humility to every single person around me, absolutely free of judgement? Is this how Paul felt when he said, "Oh what a wretched man am I!"? I certainly feel, "Oh what a wretched woman am I!" I am so depraved. I have preached and yet not lived as if faith makes a difference...that His holiness counts for everything and not just something...that God is Sovereign Ruler of everything...including the very breath in my lungs. Where has the awe and passion been apart from just words?

Oh Lord, I am so sorry. I am so sorry to have not lived by faith. I have not sought you or chosen to live according to your words. Circumstances, emotions, and my American way have taken up idolatrous positions in my heart. I put those down, Father and ask for your forgiveness. I am so sorry. Holy Spirit, work in me. Cause me to will and to act according to His good purposes. Move in my heart complete repentance...I don't want to show contempt for my Father's precious grace. Keep this fear in my heart that I may know His wisdom. I surrender my hardened heart to you, Father. Break it and please help me to walk in faith. Keep my heart tender to the law of sin at work in me. Continue to show me where sin resides and burn it out of me Lord. Break down these horrible idols and don't let me go far from you.

Thank you Jesus, for the grace you bought for me on the cross. For the pain you endured for my depravity. Thank you Father for choosing me, for lifting me up and giving me eyes to see you and for working in me to be like Your Son! How I pray my life will be an offering to you.

Today's Prayer: Desperately

Where do I start, Lord, when my heart is so broken? How do I begin to sift through this pain? I know the stain of sin darkens my heart today, and yet I seem to hold fast to my resolve not to look at it. I pretend the stain is of blood shed in this recent attack. But not all the pain was inflicted by the enemy, now was it? Some of this pain comes from my depravity ... the consequences of living in the confines of sinful flesh.

I need to experience your freedom Father. You promise the truth will set me free, but I know there is no one...not even me, who seeks you or your righteousness. Your word is righteousness, and I know I cannot seek it and do not seek it. So please help me. Lift me from the miry clay...save me from the traps that have ensnared and wounded me.

I am lost, scared, hurt, and wounded. I need you Lord...desperately.

My Years with the Lord

I was just pondering the wonders of the past several years with the Lord. It's been an amazing journey with Him and I can hardly believe the wonders of His work in my life.

2002 - 2004 were the Years of Healing

Beginning with surrender to Him, knowing this was a relationship instead of a religion. He began to heal me of so many wounds. Teaching me to trust Him and to live today instead of in the past or for the future. It was a time in which I learned to see Him as my Father.

2005 was the Year of Parenting

I call it this, because this was the year a dear friend woke me up as to what kind of mother I was...which was a far cry from the kind of mother I wanted to be. It was the year God grew my heart akin to His in the area of parenting and that changed the whole dynamic between me and my son.

2006 was the year of Relationships

This was a year that tested, challenged, stretched and grew me in respect to my lack of skills in relating to people in God's way. Friends, guys, family...you name it, He threw it all in there to set me on a path toward healthier relationships (still a work in progress, but it started here). :D

2007 was the year of Trusting His Provision

This was the year that He began to get a hold of me in the area of finances and materials things. He brought me to a place where I began to see that everything was His and He was faithful in providing everything I needed: food, clothing, a home...and so much more! (Again, still a work in progress, but it started here).

2008 was the year of Prayer

That year was the year I got married and through the end of 2007 into 2008, I began to realize how important prayer really was and what prayer was in my relationship to my Heavenly Father. It was when I got excited about prayer and began to realize that prayer isn't just about talking to my Father, but about experiencing Him in a much deeper way.

2009 was the year of Truth

Like no other year before, the scriptures were alive to me! This is the year I began to see the sheer power of His word and learned to love it more than I ever have. There was a reverence for His word and a heart willing to seek it out and obey it. A truly life-changing year!

and this year seems to be the year of Discipline. Already He has set in motion, laying it down on the previous foundation, that discipline is not only possible, but that He is orchestrating and living it out in my life! I'm really looking forward to every day He gives me this year! :D

Is He not the most AMAZING and AWESOME God you could know? He is to me!!!

It's really about perspective, isn't it?

When it comes to the heart, I rarely know where to begin. Sometimes the words flow so easily and then there are times like this, when I have so much on my heart and mind that the initial stutter is rather intense.

I guess I could start with a little perspective on the outside world...at least my outside world. I see a world that is fallen. Rather simplistic summary "fallen" is for a world riddled with heartache, loss, health challenges, sinners, grief and conflict of every imaginable type. But "fallen" it is. That status is why we see the bad around us. It's why we lock our doors, go through boxes and boxes of tissue, burn up the phone lines to friends or counselors, shut down communication with our spouses, family members and friends, struggle and fight with those closest to us, and experience the turmoils of the workplace.

But how depressing to see only that. Even though my heart is incredibly heavy today, it seems my Maker is reaching through the heartache, lifting my chin and saying...keep your eyes on me, my child! Then, through Him, I see the joy...the blessings...all the good in our world.

I see people praising Him in the midst of tragedies and tough life challenges. I see people seeking good when they want so desperately to give up. I see His hand reaching out to the lost, calling them to Himself. I see His arms cradling and carrying His children - tightly protecting them. I see ships sailing through raging storms. I see the Potter working his creation, molding away...breaking down rough spots and rejoicing over pliable clay. I see life sprouting up where the desert once laid. I see fruit where there used to be only barren limbs. I see generosity and gratitude. I see kindness and good will. I see peace where war once raged.

I guess in the end...it's really about perspective, isn't it?

Oh Father, give me your eyes to see. I keep seeing and hearing all the negative...all the bad...contentment, gratitude and optimism...I need my heart to go back to those things. I can't stay with this envy, lack of thanksgiving and pessimism. I don't want to be a complainer or discourager. I want to have your perspective, but I can't seem to make that happen. Please help me. Give me your eyes and let me see this world and all the people in it from your perspective instead of my own. Thank you for your faithfulness Lord...your infinite mercy on me and your empowering grace. I love you.

Jonathan: Our Journey (so far) with "ADHD"

First, I guess it's important to know that Jonathan was diagnosed "ADHD" when he was 4. We had a great deal of trouble with him for a year by the time he was diagnosed. Jonathan's daycare told me all the typical stuff: inability to focus, hyperactive, acting out, rebellious, impulsive and we were still having major behavior issues at home. From the age of 4 to 5, the behavior escalated at home to the point of extremely violent tantrums for hours on end. It was a nightmare. Four schools in less than nine months, play therapy, parenting classes, and numerous visits to the pediatrician, all to end that year in a psychologists office and a diagnosis of moderate to severe ADHD. With no more time and no promises of a good school to put Jonathan in, I opted to place Jonathan under the care of a psychiatrist and begin medication. I stayed home with him for 3 months and in that time, began to see some improvement.

Daytrana was our first round. $75 a week (after insurance coverage). In social environments Jonathan's aggression remained high, he stopped eating much of anything and didn't sleep very much. Additionally, he was still irritable and unpredictable. After finding a home daycare provider willing to work with Jonathan, he began to attend preschool again. Over the first several weeks, his teacher said that she noticed a slight improvement in Jonathan while medicated. Because the medication was a patch, Jonathan suffered constant skin rashes and inconsistent dosing because the patches would fall off. Overall, the teacher still had a great deal of difficulty with Jonathan. Once I taught Jonathan to swallow pills, we sought an alternative.

Adderall was round two. Much more affordable at $10 a script (after insurance coverage) and much easier to assess accurate dosages - no more skin rashes and painful removal of patches from his sensitive little back. The scarring from the patches only took about 6 months to disappear. We still saw the aggression, impulse and rebellion issues. But again, the day care provider stated he seemed to "focus" better while medicated, even if his behavior saw little improvement. Jonathan stayed on Adderall through the last part of pre-school and his first year in kindergarten. Yet, despite medication, the first half of kindergarten was very reminiscent of the year we had leading up to medication. School was a mess. But we had a staff, and particularly another blessed teacher, who had extraordinary patience and love for my son. By the end of the school year, Jonathan was doing exceptionally well.

I decided to have Jonathan redo his year in Kindergarten to give him the extra time to make up for the months spent more focused on behavior than learning. Everyone agreed he wasn't ready for 1st grade. Over the summer, I began intensifying my research in the effects of Jonathan's medication, which was never medically monitored by his pyschiatrist (no blood work to check for ill effects on his liver, heart or other vital organs). And in my heart, I still could not bring myself to be comfortable with 1) the diagnosis and 2) the idea that I was giving my son a molecular equivalent to street speed.

I had continued to work with play therapy, my parenting and nutrition. I changed what Jonathan ate and focused on detoxifying and nourishing his body. By the time school started this year, Jonathan had stopped taking medication and the reports from his Sunday school class remained positive (the only "classroom-type" environment he had over the summer). I saw changes in Jonathan that gave me hope we were finally making headway in my son's overall health. His home life was stabilizing and it seemed everyone was working together. His speech improved dramatically, he was eating normally again, his sleep patterns were restored, and his aggression and irritability decreased considerably. But the school year began with another round of challenges.

First, the teacher we thought he would return to had left to teach at another school. She was replaced with a very sweet and well-intentioned, but inexperienced, first year teacher. Back in a kindergarten class, the first week Jonathan complained of being teased by the students he knew last year because he was still in kindergarten and not in first grade. His first week seemed fine otherwise, but by week two, old behaviors began to emerge and I was called every day to either come up to the school or pick him up altogether. I was asked on several occassions about Jonathan's medication routine (with a disclaimer that I was not being instructed about medication), and ultimately given an ultimatum that if Jonathan's behavior did not improve, he would be expelled.

Defeated and frustrated to see all of our hard work and improvements seemingly gone, I doubted my decision to remove Jonathan from medication. I analyzed my parenting and highlighted every mistake with bold speculation of negative consequences. I watched my son, who seemed so happy throughout the end of summer, vibrant and excited to go back to school, sink lower and lower as the weeks of his second year in kindergarten went on.

By November, I felt that our naturalistic approach to Jonathan's health was costing him his education. I went back to the psychiatrist. For round three, we opted for a non-stimulant treatment for Jonathan's "ADHD". His doctor recommended Strattera, with a note it might make him a little sleepy and could upset his stomach, so give him the meds with food. In the days that followed, we were pleased to see Jonathan's aggression level did not increase, his appetite remained about the same and his sleep patterns did not return to the fitful bouts of insomnia we previously saw on the stimulant meds. At our two week follow-up, the psychiatrist increased his dosage and we were hopeful to begin seeing results in Jonathan's ability to focus, stay on task and control his impulsivity at school. His teacher said the medication seemed to be helping him a little school.

Thanksgiving was a crazy time because we moved and seemed busy every night of the week. But as we settled back into our routine, and I took more notes of Jonathan's behavior and overall health condition, I saw numerous "little" things I had being passing off for various reasons. It was at this time that he began the increased dosage of Strattera. He complained about his stomach off and on and it seemed to get bigger and bigger (bloated and hard to the touch). He wanted to eat more often. He woke up with nightmares or vivid dreams rather frequently and seemed tired and lethargic throughout the day. His irritability increased. He complained of sharp pains in his hips, knees and elbows. Sometimes his chest hurt. In the last week, Jonathan began to seem like he was coming down with a cold. He had a persistent, but unproductive cough. His nose kept running. And then his teacher began to report bouts of crying and withdrawal for no reason. The last few days those bouts were more and more severe.

In the last couple of days, Jonathan had became an emotional and physical mess. I felt like I suddenly had a teenage daughter instead of a 6 year old son. After researching the "potential" side effects of Strattera, I discovered it was actually an anti-depressant, prescribed "off label" for ADHD. I realized that the long list of things I passed off to schedule, diet, growing pains, stress, and common colds looked to be consistent with the list of side effects from his medication. Working with his pediatrician and his psychiatrist, it seemed there wasn't much we could do. The dosage could not be cut in half (it was a capsule), so we opted to stop it. (Even though his psychiatrist had just recommended an increase.) My heart was so heavy and I feared that Jonathan's withdrawal symptoms could be worse than his already present side effects. What would happen to him?

We're in the process of finding out. I'm doing my best to trust the Lord that whatever happens, He has everything under control. I know that He does, but I'm struggling with my faith at the moment. Also, I hate that I succumbed to percieved pressure and did something I did not think was really the best thing for my child. I also hate that I second guessed my choice to take Jonathan off ADHD meds in the first place. I hate that I have bought into a philosophy that makes no health sense to me whatsoever.

On that note, let me explain what I mean by the philosophy. ADHD is a subjective diagnosis that presupposes a chemical imbalance in the brain. That is the same presupposition of any number of mental illnesses today. I don't know if that chemical imbalance really exists or exactly what chemicals are imbalanced or by how much. My big problem with the medical industry today is that neither do the doctors prescribing medications to us. They are merely GUESSING as to whether or not chemical imbalances actually exist and GUESSING at which medications may/may not correct that alleged imbalance. Their guesses are educated by clinical trials and FDA medication approvals tried on other patients to alleviate symptoms prevalent in other people. I don't understand why a majority of America has no problem with this philosophy. If no one can determine IF my son has a chemical imbalance, then why on earth does it have to be medication that corrects that chemical imbalance? A medication with a horrifyingly long list of "potential" side effects? When they know not everyone reacts to meds the same way, how can they be sure of the effects it will have on my child? (They can't...which is why there is a nice, full page, legal disclaimer that accompanies the meds when the pharmacist hands them to me.)

So that brings us to today. I have reviewed our lives in a wholistic picture and am starting to think more logically about the health and wellness of my son. I know that behavior and emotions for us have numerous causes that could very well link our experienced effects back to the chaotic lives we have lived (broken home, me personally not being a stable, calm and peaceful person for the early years of Jonathan's life, inconsistent structure, moving, changes in significant relationships, etc). I know God designed our bodies with magnificent detail and incredible powers of self-healing. I know I saw improvements in my son when I applied good parenting, godly principles, home stability, a nuturing and attentive atmosphere, and sound nutrition. I know that there is a logical cause-effect link in illnesses and that treating symptoms doesn't alleviate the cause of the illness. (Ex: Allergy meds don't cure allergies...just reduces the experienced symptoms). So my venture from this point forward is about REAL HEALING...REAL HEALTH. No more treating symptoms and thinking that is good enough. It is about removing anything that obstructs my son's body from healing itself of imbalances and praying for God to give me wisdom, to guide me to doctors that are also about healing and not writing scripts for symptoms, and for Him to be the ultimate healer of my son. In the end, only God has control of every cell in our bodies!

This journey won't be easy and it won't be quick! It certainly puts me in opposition to the opinions of the school district and many well-intentioned, sincere adults around me. But it is the path that gives me confidence as a mom that I'm doing what is right and what is best for the child God has given me to raise and care for. I can't be lazy or easily distracted by the world's philosophy in my endeavor to help my son grow up thriving to his full potential. And for me, that no longer includes prescriptions for powerful, damaging chemicals that merely seek to treat symptoms, all the while, doing God only knows what to vital organs in my son's body. It requires determination, perseverance, courage and humility. It requires dependance upon my Lord. And in the end, I am praying not only for my son's healing, but an evolution of personal character for me. I want to be the very best mom I can be, so that my son has every opportunity to be the best man he can be.

A man's pride brings him low...

For the last month and a half, I have wandered away from the intimacy I usually enjoy with my Jesus. We all seem to do that from time to time, but knowing that never eases any of my disappointment or frustration at the realization I have "done it again". So here I am, "waking up" to the fact that I have dug myself into another pit. I am rather analytical by nature, so the past few days have been spent analyzing what happened and how I got here. I think I was actually hoping to find some new stumbling block or sneaky trick up the sleeve of my enemy, but nope! No new tricks. Just the same old stumbling blocks that trip me up every time...

Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. 1 John 2:15-16

Pride.

The definition of pride is "Proper respect for one's own dignity and worth; pleasure or satisfaction over something done, achieved, owned". For so long, I have underestimated pride. But again, I think we all seem to do that. With pride, we see some pride positively (applauding accomplishments and progress) and some negatively (criticizing outright bragging, boasting and excessive arrogance). Yet, God makes no distinction between "good pride" and "bad pride"...he always puts pride in the category of sin.

Pride is, in it's base form, self-worship. If we understand ourselves in light of His word, then we can hardly "respect our own dignity and worth". The only worth we have is because God loves us. In and of ourselves, there is nothing admirable, nothing good, nothing worthy! But God loves us just the same. An accurate understanding of our complete depravity is completely incongruent with any sense of self-worth or personal dignity. Humility, however, IS the natural response to understanding the truth of our humanity apart from Jesus Christ. And knowing God in His splendor and majesty for all He's created and all He's done will go a long way to remind us that there is NOTHING we have done or achieved apart from Him. We cannot even breathe apart from His grace. And certainly, God owns the cattle on a thousand hills...the entirety of creation belongs to Him! We own nothing. We bring nothing into this world and we shall bring nothing out!

So how has pride gotten me into trouble - AGAIN? Comparing myself to others, thinking more highly of myself than I ought to (in the name of 'confidence' and 'dignity'), thinking I achieved, could achieve or owned something, and a host of other ways has led me down the crooked path of pride straight into a pit!

See, pride, like any other sin, is enslaving. In those moments I am comparing myself to other wives and mothers or just other women, I step into the trap of a worldly standard. Suddenly other women's lives are better, they have things I want, they are more "together", and they do almost everything better than me. But now you say, "But Shannon...that isn't pride, is it?" Are you sure? Is my concern and comparison not motivated by self-dignity and a desire to achieve or own something? I can also boost my ego by thinking "I don't have it as bad as..... I've made better choices than.... My life isn't like.... " etc, etc, etc. The sin of pride is about the heart's selfish motivations.

What is the cure for pride? Repentance, forgiveness, and a good dose of humility. All of that can be found culminating in gratitude. We just came through the "Thanksgiving Season", in which many of us are finding ways to express our gratitude. There is little else that I can think of that more effectively remedies a proud heart faster than finding yourself face to face with your own depravity and looking around to see all that God has blessed you with. Air to breathe, a day to live and serve Him, family, friends, perhaps a job, a home, a car, running water, clothes, entertainment, a country without lethal persecution for religious preferences...the blessings are as countless as grains of sand on a beach. We don't own whatever we seem to have. We can't achieve anything outside of His grace. We can't even live apart from God's grace. Realizing that, like newborn babes, we are helpless, defenseless, and hopeless apart from Jesus Christ, humility has ground to grow in the light of gratitude and praise for such a tender, loving and compassionate God as our Father!

So I find myself at least with a path laid out before me to get away from this dark place in which I find myself. I'm still struggling though. Pride has roots that have grown into every area of my life. I am struggling with my attitude toward my husband (the opposite of submissive, let me tell you!), with finances, with discipline and self-control, and with so many other things as well. All these struggles blossomed out of my pride. I lost sight of how small I am and how BIG my Father is. I lost sight of how helpless and hopeless I am without Him. So I am praying for the Lord to heal my broken, sinful heart. I am praying He'll plow up the hardened soil of my heart and gratitude will take root instead.

What about you? Where is your heart with regard to accurately seeing your depraved self in light of a Holy, Perfect, and Just God? How much room does humility have in your perspective? How grateful are you for the very breath in your lungs right now? Let us not forget...

Proverbs 29:23, "A man's pride brings him low; but a man of lowly spirit gains honor." ...gotta love God's economy!

Dog Training: a lesson in temperament

So I'm learning a thing or two about dogs recently. I'll say that I am a very slow learner in this respect. I have little to no experience training dogs. My whole life, I think I've been more of a cat-person. :D But being that I'm severely allergic to cats, we have opted for the lesser allergen producer - the dog! :D Well, in our case...two dogs. Jack and Pepper.

Now Jack is what my husband lovingly refers to as a "lap-terrier". :D He's a rat terrier, supposedly a former show dog, and quite an easy dog to own. He's not especially keen on walking long distances and would rather cuddle in your lap all day. He's obedient (generally) and we really have no complaints about him. Like I said...easy dog to own.

But see, Jack was intended for Jonathan when we opted to take him in. But Jack really didn't take to Jonathan. I think Jonathan is like me...not that much of a dog person. So, I came up with the "brilliant" idea of getting a second dog and having Jonathan pick the dog. Well, he picked Pepper! We adopted Pepper from Operation Kindness a little over a year ago. Talk about a lesson that taught me how I know nothing about dogs!!!

I had the most difficult time house training her. I haven't really trained her to do much since then either, other than sit and walk on a leash. But thank the Lord she is not a difficult dog to train...just needs a better trainer than me! Well, I finally grew a brain cell in this dog-training thing and have realized that my training efforts have missed a vital part...consideration of her breed. Pepper is a Catahoula Leopard mix. She's a herding dog who needs lots of exercise, a natural protector, and a very interactive dog who doesn't like to be isolated.

Let's list some of my mistakes...bringing her in as #2 dog instead of #1, trying to crate train her (isolation), and not giving her lots and lots and lots of exercise. Throw in a few more ignorant things on my part and I'm thinking that the skittish, high anxiety dog I now own is a monstrous creation of my own hands! :( Now, we are changing up some things in order to help Pepper be the dog God created her to be...a herding dog who gets lots of exercise, little correction for being a protector (she doesn't yap, but punishing her for barking isn't good), and we're trading the crate for a bed to help her with her isolation anxiety.

I think this little lesson is applicable to life in general. As a wife and mom, it's important that I see the world as God's creation and stop trying to make everything (including people and pets) fit my mold. God designed everything and everyone with a specific temperament...a particular place in His world. Seeing creation for what it is and letting that creature thrive according to His design is much more productive, and not to mention produces less anxiety for everyone, than trying to make something into what it's not.

So for all you fellow control addicts out there...take note of your surroundings and see with new eyes today. God created us all with a specific purpose in mind and our challenge is to do what we can to work in union with God's purpose and plan. Look at your spouse, your children, even your pets and see that each of them has a unique design; put aside your plan and expectations and ask what you can do to work with God in His ways and according to His purposes!

Read: Genesis 1, note how many times God created each thing "according to its kind"...and how many times He says, "It was good".