Portrait of a Godly Wife...my personal struggles

It is no secret here on my blog that I struggle, like I'm sure any wife struggles, with being the kind of wife that is godly and honoring to the Lord and her husband. Personally, it helps me to "think aloud" and in that out-loud process, I find it easier to align my thoughts and attitudes to scripture.

In this endeavor to be transformed by the renewing of my mind into the wife I know God longs for me to be, I am facing my biggest challenge yet: Letting my speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that I may know how I ought to answer each one (Col 4:6), not passing judgment on one another (Ro 14:13) and not letting any corrupt communication proceed out of my mouth, but that which is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearer (Eph 4:29). I can see that any Christian who has been blessed with conviction over these verses would struggle with obedience. Living in America where we hold our freedoms above everything else, it is contrary to all we have been taught by the culture to avoid the freedom to speak, to not demand to be heard but rather listen, and to filter anything outgoing through the Spirit of God Himself so that nothing is corrupt. Not an easy task by any means. My means is nothing short of the grace of God at work in me through the Holy Spirit residing in me.

Dependency doesn't come naturally to me an everything in me usually refuses it. Dependency in the past has equated to pain and in my flesh I avoid pain. Who wants to suffer? Paul is one of my biblical heroes. A man used of God to deliver messages that encourage us to see pain and suffering as a joyful and welcomed experience because only in our suffering do we really draw the closest to our Heavenly Father! So, as God has granted me a willing spirit, I head straight into a period of suffering and pain. The hurt comes from crucifying my flesh, yielding to the Word of God that says to depend on Him to overcome evil with good and be directed by Him.

Another thing that doesn't come naturally AT ALL is not talking! I am amazed at the sheer volume of words I can manage in a day's time. In this endeavor of obedience though, a tight rein on my tongue is absolutely necessary. So as the Lord gives me the grace, one by one, these areas which I find a loose tongue will "feel the crack down" so to speak. I've identified some things that I respond to verbally in my relationship with my husband that I can no longer respond to that way. God says that a husband is won over by a gentle and quiet spirit that DEMONSTRATES godliness, NOT a wife that talks about what the bible says and tries to persuade with eloquent and verbose speeches or well devised, heart-probing questions.

It never fails that all of my struggles come back to a crucifixion of self: selfishness and pride...original sin pervades all of the shortcomings I experience in seeking to be obedient. How grateful I am for His promises that the war I experience in this life has already been completely won by Him! How awe-inspiring to know that I can't accomplish one bit of any of this apart from God's work in me! After 7 years of walking with the Lord, I still cannot articulate how it is that God works in me. I don't know how to explain how the equation of surrender plus His Spirit equals obedience, freedom from sin, and more blessings than I can count. But I guess there isn't much need for explanation. It is what it is and rather than question, I suppose my gratitude is response enough.

Lord, thank you for your work in me. Thank you that you have chosen me and taken me from the farthest reaches of the earth and made me your own. I am amazed at your love for me. Here at your throne I ask that you help me to learn to hold my tongue, to speak only words that edify and honor you, and to crucify my flesh. Help me to be like Jesus who laid down his life in obedience to you for the benefit of others. Stop me from thinking about my "needs" because your word says that YOU will meet my needs. I only need concern myself with loving you - to love you means that I will obey you. And Lord, I know there is no better place, no freer place to be than in line with your word, in obedience. There, I find security...your love, your adoration, and I find you lifting me up to soar on wings like eagles. Help me be there, Lord. Help me get to that place where I submit to you in all things, where my speech and my behavior reflect your character and I am a blessing to my husband and my son. Where I am a glory to You. I ask in the Name of Jesus. Amen.

Under Siege

I have been caught off guard and unprotected. This is why the Lord commands us in Ephesians chapter 6 to put on the armor of God. I guess I got so caught up in my own little world of what God has been up to with me lately, that I forgot my adversary is lurking about seeking that which he can devour and destroy. So now, I've been pounced on and it hurts.

I find myself in familiar territory though. This is not the first time I've been attacked and won't be the last if I'm not swept away to heaven soon. So I shouldn't be surprised. However, I was caught off guard and it jolted me back to reality. Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." I forgot this truth and it resulted in chaos and confusion in my heart and mind. No longer do I have a well defined problem, but a ball of chaos that has swept me away like a tumbleweed in the lonely desert.

Now what?

Well, being this is not unfamiliar territory, I start with the simple stuff. Who am I? What is God's ultimate purpose? What is going on? How am I going to respond to what is happening? When I begin answering those questions with honesty and biblical truth, I stop feeling so out of control. I begin to see clearly and know I can take the next step without fear of feeling even more lost than before. I regain my footing and direction....my sanity even! :D I am so thankful for the Lord who gives me answers to questions, who gives me guidance, who can be found every time I seek Him when I seek him with all my heart!

Lord, you know all that is happening and how it fits into your perfect plan. I know you work all things for the good of those called according to your purpose and that your plans for me are not to harm me, but to prosper me and give me a hope and a future. I can't see the big picture, but I trust your Hand and plead for your closeness and guidance. Please keep my tongue still unless what I speak benefits the hearer. Please keep my heart quiet with your peace which surpasses all understanding. Please forgive me for forgetting my battle gear...the armor you have given me. I forgot about the enemy that seeks to steal, kill and destroy. I let my guard down and got self-focused. The world is not just about my journey with you, but the journey for all of us that you are writing. The "big picture" is about you and your glory and being in Your Holy presence for eternity. I'm sorry I got so caught up in the now and didn't look up again to get the eternal perspective. Now that I'm aware of the attacks, I'm running to the refuge I find in You and You alone...my Rock, my Fortress, my comfort in times like these. Thank you for being my Savior, my Protector, and my Guide. I love you Father. You are so....wonderful! Thank you!

A Journey of Character

I was blessed with a helpful resource that lists character qualities and the corresponding definition and encouraging bible verse. Since God has been walking me through this journey of becoming a better wife and mother, I am very excited about this resource! Out of 30 character qualities, I asked God to show me the ones I need the most work on. So I now have a list of 10 that I endeavor to work on and pray for through the scriptures given.

Here is my list:

1) Acceptance - deliberate and ready reception with a favorable response; to receive someone unconditionally and willingly (Romans 15:7)

2) Contentment - enjoying present possessions rather than desiring new or additional ones; being happy regardless of circumstances (1 Tim 6:6)

3) Deference - limiting my freedom to not offend those God has called me to serve. (Romans 14:13)

4) Diligence - seeing every taks as an assignment from the Lord and applying energy and concentration to accomplish it (Colo 3:23-24)

5) Initiative - taking steps to seek after God with our whole heart; giving first rather than waiting for other to give (Luke 6:38)

6) Loyalty - adopting as your own the wishes and goals of those you are serving (Col 3:22)

7) Meekness - yielding our rights and possessions to God; being willing to earn the right to be heard rather than demanding a hearing (1 Peter 5:6)

8) Punctuality - showing esteem for other people and their time by not keeping them waiting (Phil 2:3-4)

9) Security - entrusting our needs and expectations to Christ based upon His eternal Word (1 Pet 5:7, Phil 4:6-7)

10) Self-Control - identifying and obeying the promptings of the Holy Spirit, bringing our thoughts, words, and actions under the control of the Holy Spirit (Eph 5:18)

I am so excited to start praying these scriptures for my life and asking God to change and mold me more into the likeness of His Son! I began with Acceptance this morning, praying God would use the example of Jesus' acceptance of me so that I can and will readily accept others and give a favorable response to those around me. I so struggle with that because I so struggle with being judgemental and holding expectations over people. I have a comfort zone in the social circle that I have a hard time getting out of. But I am excited to see what God does in my heart now that I'm praying His word in Romans 15:7 so that I can demonstrate godly acceptance. :D

Enveloped by His Presence

Walking with me these many years couldn't have been easy for You to do. My stubbornness, pride, rebellion, selfishness and self-centeredness all washing between us like the Grand Canyon flooded over. In a moment last night, I was enveloped with a sense of awe I have not shaken. It stays with me, slowing me down and consuming my every thought. I just stand in awe of You, Lord. I don't know what else to say or what else to call it. There is just a sense of Your presence like no other time in my life. No fleeting thoughts or random waves of emotions, but a deeply rooted, soul gripping knowledge that You are with me...that you've always been with me...that you'll never ever leave me nor forsake me.

Not exactly sure why I haven't experienced it before now. I don't think I've done anything extraordinary to warrant such an experience with You. Perhaps in your Sovereign grace you have chosen to gift me with these moments. I won't pretend to know why or exactly what is going on, but I am grateful that You are so near and that I can experience You right now.

In thinking about my life, I am amazed at the answer to my prayer - "restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." I have been told over and over that there is something teachable about me and my walk with you. I can't take credit for that, Lord. You know how stubborn I am...how thickheaded I am...how UNteachable I can be. But you've captured my heart! No matter where I go, I can't get you out my mind! No matter what I do, I keep coming back to a longing to follow you.

Oh how the chains that bind me keep coming off experiencially. I know they all came off at Calvary, Lord. You made sure of that. But as I walk, I keep dropping the weight of all that is fleshly and the desire to run, to have nothing that hinders me, continues to burn hotter and hotter. I see myself in that allegorical story of the mountain climber that refused to climb without bringing lots of "comforting things"...blankets, extra food stuffs, etc. As he climbs, he begins to drop those comfort items one by one. When he reaches the top, just as the wiser climbers had tried to tell him, he only has the absolutely necessary things with him. The rest of his "baggage" had to be let go of as he made his climb. That's my struggle Lord.

I suppose that is every Christian's struggle. I sometimes get so weary carrying all this extra baggage: debt, pride, selfishness, gluttony, lust, greed, covetousness... But just like the mountain climber, all I have to do is leave those things behind. Less weight, less to hold me back from the thing my heart wants most....to run for you! I get so overwhelmed sometimes thinking about how badly I want to do something amazing...like this radical Christian life lays just a step or two ahead of me...only slightly out of reach. Yet the verse that keeps my heart still is, "It is not good to have zeal without knowledge nor to be hasty and miss the way." I don't want to run ahead of you, Lord. You know what that's done to me before. I don't want to miss Your way for me. So I'll keep dropping the baggage with your help. You know how stubborn my grip can be on these unnecessary and destructive things.

But Lord, I absolutely love you. It will never be the kind of love you deserve...I'm not capable of such perfection, but with all that I am, my life is yours. For whatever my paltry offering can be in your hands, I put it there. Keep me teachable. Keep molding me. Keep loving me like no one else can - only You! And use me Lord. There is a lost and lonely world out there who doesn't even realize that what / who they are looking for can all be satisfied in You (and won't be satisfied any other way). Use me to reach them. Use my life, my pain, my journey to help them climb this mountain too. Show the world, through what You've done in me, that the climb is worth it! YOU are worth it! Though the words are completely inadequate, Lord...Thank you! Thank you for saving a wretch like me.

Teaching and Training

So often I find myself trying desperately to capture my thoughts when I dwell in the place of regret. I guess many parents could readily identify with "wishing I could do it all over again" when they look in the rear view mirror of the years they have spent teaching and training their children. I have struggled my whole born-again life (roughly 7 years) with fear and anxiety over "blowing it". Somehow being convinced that I can make a cosmic mistake that unravels God's perfect plan for my life. It kept me from marriage for a long time, and it's kept me in a place of grave uncertainty as a mother. But lately, I have been deeply encouraged by the following truths:

1) Teaching is about living a lifestyle: Deuteronomy 6:5-9 "You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."

2) Teaching happens in relationship: Titus 2:3-5 "Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored."

3) Teaching is time-sensitive: Proverbs 19:18a "Discipline your son while there is still hope..."

4) Teaching is unique for every child: Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should, even when he is old he will not depart from it."

5) Plans can and should be made, but the result is up to the Lord:

*Proverbs 16:3, "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."

*Proverbs 16:9, "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."

*Proverbs 19:21, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

So what do I learn from these truths? First and foremost, I have learned the value of seeking the Lord with everything I have and then "all these things shall be added" (Matthew 6:33). Lifestyle and relationship display that value. They say values are caught not taught when it comes to our children. Lifestyle matters! The life I live before my children - the authentic and genuine reality, not the front I may try to portray - teach them about everything: God, people, morality, ...everything! And the relationship I have with them in the context of the lifestyle I lead is crucial to driving those things home. If I live a lifestyle of help and hospitality to others, but never spend quality time investing in the lives of my own children...what a crushing hypocrisy for my children to bear.

Secondly, I have to have a uniquely designed plan that I execute daily for each child the Lord has given me. Right now, I only have one son. However, if I want each child to flourish, I must study each of them. Currently, I study Jonathan and how the Lord created him. I ask the Lord how I can help build him up and how the Lord is revealing this unique person in all the splendor of his creation. I beg for wisdom and study His word to know how I can equip my son to live the best possible life. It is a huge responsibility, but the Lord saw fit to give that to me. If HE has perfect confidence in using me to do the job, why do I not see that as good enough? In the end, the Lord's purposes will be carried out. He knows each day ordained for each person, including my son and any other children we might have in the future. The Lord knows His plan for all of His creation and if I trust Him, then I can rest assured that doing my best is all that He asks.

Parenting is tough. We can grow so very weary in diligently carrying on each and every day, investing in our children. But this is a heritage that lasts for eternity. What kind of legacy do we want to leave? What kind of returns do we want to see from this investment? He who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly. And there is no doubt we are lacking as parents (we all fall short), but God shall supply all our needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus! You can do it and so can I! So may today be a day of prosperous parenting, where teaching and training are a joy, not because it's easy, but because it's worth it!

Pondering Quotes by Oswald Chambers....

"If we have never had the experience of taking our commonplace religious shoes off our commonplace religious feet, and getting rid of all the undue familiarity with which we approach God, it is questionable whether we have ever stood in His presence."

"Never run before God's guidance. If there is the slightest doubt, then He is not guiding. Whenever there is doubt - don't"

"Worship is giving God the best that He has given you."

Isn't it just like my God...

to be so personal!

Shea and I have been on a journey of Exodus. When we got married, we both knew we were in Egypt...a land of extreme debt: $120K. The borrower is slave to the lender (Pr 22:7) and Shea and I had given our allegiance to numerous lenders. Conviction prior to marriage had us both on a track to get out of debt, but we still walked the isle to the alter carrying a lot of that Egyptian luggage!

So now, a year later, we are in what I liken to the Israelites 40 year desert journey. Prayerfully, we will not be in the desert for 40 years, but we are in a time of learning to trust fully on the Lord and not on what is seen and what we ourselves can accomplish. In the past couple of months, I have faced some hard decisions that revealed where my faith really laid. I realized that because I had not cut up my credit cards, I would rather easily use them for a little something here and a little something there. For almost 6 months, we made so little headway on our debt reduction because we were constantly paying off the same credit cards. So finally, after much conviction, I fully faced the fact that my trust was in money and my security was in having those credit cards available to me. I was still acting as a slave even though Christ had set me free. I had to decide whether I was serving Christ or my credit cards.

I cut them up.

I never thought it would be so painful or difficult to get rid of something I intellectually detested. But when my heart's darkness had been revealed, cutting my chains was the only option that moved me toward Christ. And now, I am finding myself roaming the desert and having to trust the Lord for every little thing. I am learning contentment and real faith like never before. WHY, OH WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG TO CUT THOSE CARDS UP? :D

Last week came another step of faith. After hearing the testimony of another couple which was so like our own journey, God spoke to me about Malachi 3:10, "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse so that there may be food in my house, and test Me now in this," says the Lord Almighty, "if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows." Sure we had been giving regularly, but not faithfully. Faithfully giving meant true obedience to what the tithe really meant. The tithe was 10% OFF THE TOP. We stopped short by only taking 10% of what we had in cash...after taxes and other deductions. It was time to step up to true faithfulness with our stewardship. It was time to REALLY tithe.

This weekend we brought the WHOLE tithe to the storehouse even though it meant only $8.80 left for food or whatever for the rest of the week. We had food in the house, so even a gallon or two of milk and some inexpensive bread could be covered by the $8.80. I could save gas by walking to work (it's only around the corner). So all in all, it was fine. But my heart was so anxious. I kept reminding myself that I trusted not in my bank account but in the Lord and all was fine. He was in control. We were abundantly blessed and I didn't need to worry. (Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to the Lord - Phil 4:8) I felt my faith being burned in the fire as I laid our tithe in the offering plate, and I felt the burn continue.

Such a small thing in some sense, but such a big thing in another sense. But isn't it just like my God to be so personal to come to me in such a time when I am struggling with anxiety and trust and be my comforter, my provider, my All! He showed up in my mailbox yesterday. We recieved a very random check in the mail for $100. I could hardly believe my eyes, but knew at once it was the Lord wrapping His arms around me and saying, "I am worthy to be trusted and I want to ease your troubled heart." I knew the power of Psalm 91, "He who rests in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

I didn't need the $100, but I needed my Lord and He spoke to my heart through those circumstances. It may not always be like that (receiving random checks or infusions of money) as we travel this desert road to the promise land (debt freedom), but it will always be like the Lord to show me His faithfulness. It will always be like the Lord to be our provider and comforter. It will always be like the Lord to wrap His arms around me as Abba Father! For that my love deepens for my Savior and Lord. I fall in love with Him all over again. He is so ... precious to me.

Lord, I ask with all my heart that you continue to lead me by a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. Please help me not to get prideful or forget, as your other children did and I have done in the past, the miracles you have done to reveal your faithfulness. You are worthy to follow and obey, Lord. I am weak and cannot do this on my own. I am so grateful that in my weakness your strength is made perfect. It is strange that I love so much to be in this place of weakness, but there is no place I'd rather be than your arms and in your will. Continue to discipline us, Lord. Continue to help us learn contentment and sacrifice. Continue to help us give lavishly and may the giving be blessed and multiplied by your hand so that the kingdom is increased! Let our lives be a light for who you are and how great and precious it is to follow you at any cost.

Encore: So not only did we have the $100 check yesterday, but today I discovered a bank error in our favor to the tune of almost $200 more. I marvel at this error, because usually 2-3 times each week, I make sure our account is balanced to the penny. I had not done that in almost a week and a half and when I did so today, I discovered a deposit that was made but not recorded in the ledger. Had that deposit been recorded, I doubt I would have counted yesterday's moment with the Lord as precious as it was. Thank you Lord for folding in even more blessings! You are so amazing!!

Out of the Mouth of Babes

There are times when it seems that our kids say just the thing we wish they hadn't said or just the thing we never expected them to say! Today, my son had many, many words for me. And by far, the best came at the end of the night.

After picking up my brother from his interview, I needed to drive by and make a deposit at the bank. It just so happens that the bank is right next to Sonic Drive In and Braum's. At the sight of the restaurants, Jonathan says, "I'm hungry." To which I replied (as any good mother does this late at night when money is tight), "You can eat when we get home. We have food at home."

To which my dear Jonathan replied, "But that's bad food mommy. I want good food."

OUCH!!

Guess my son isn't too fond of my cooking! But my brother assured me that my pot roast tonight was DELICIOUS! So I leave it as "out of the mouth of babes"...

Family and Being at War with Myself

Not sure how it is when I feel the worse is when I'm most inspired to write, but I find myself draw to the writing board today despite my tumultuous emotions. My topic...family (well sort of). Family seems to be the most pressing thing on my mind today. First of all, I guess, because family is always the first target for my moodiness. Second, because they are always a pressing topic on my heart! :D

Lately, I've been concentrating on living out my role as a godly wife and mother. Boy do I find it difficult to do that in my own strength! But silly me, I should know so readily by now that anytime I try to obey scripture in my own strength, I am just acting a fool. I can't obey except by Christ who strengthens me for everything! It is Christ's strength that gives me the ability to be the best wife and mother I can be.

When I started this era of concentration, I started with the small things, namely attention. I have found that I spent way too much time on frivolous, non-productive things when I could have been spending that time with my son. So I've made a more concerted effort to focus on redeeming those moments in the late afternoon and early evening after work (even when I'd rather curl up in bed and do nothing) by playing or interacting with my son or making sure I cook something good for everyone to eat at dinner time. I have discovered sweet little treasures by doing so: Jonathan likes to play dice with me and my brother. I get totally whooped when we play the Wii bowling game! And Jonathan has a knack for remembering odd commercials...I've also noticed the oddest commercials coming between his Wow Wow Wubzy and Go Diego Go and Dora shows...come on people! What's with the ads? But anyway....Jonathan is a lot of fun. He also keeps me thinking VERY hard at checkers. Oh my...a six year old nearly beats me every time at checkers. Just when I think I'm about to lose, he makes a mistake and I win. But I think those days will quickly pass the longer we play. :)

I think the harder part of serving my family is not as a mom; it's as a wife. My husband and I do not see each other much (due to conflicting schedules) and therefore, what time we do have, we spend conversing on what I think are the time-sensitive or superficial levels. We talk about things that need our immediate attention and those things that seems to make up polite conversation. Lately I've found myself giving into bitterness and resentment over small things that shouldn't bother me. And with those seeds of bitterness and resentment comes a hardened heart that does not lend itself to service. So in the end, I am at war with myself and unsure of how to meet my goal of effective and loving service as a wife when there is a mountain of pain in front of me. Not because my husband has hurt me, but because bitterness and resentment are sins and sin = pain.

As I go through our church's mentoring materials, I've been challenged every day to live by faith. Faith is choosing to live as though the bible were true regardless of circumstances, emotions or cultural trends. THAT definition has rocked my world and my walk with the Lord for the past year. Lately though, I've been trying to live that out. I've been trying to apply Philippians 4:8 to my relationship with my husband and think about only the positive things. I've been trying to take my thoughts captive into the obedience of Christ. I've been asking the Lord to examine my ways and test them. I've been asking for grace to live out Romans 14:13 ' Therefore let us stop passing judgement on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way." And Ephesians 4:29, "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers." and verse 32 of the same chapter in Ephesians says "be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you." Does anyone else see how impossible it is to obey the scriptures, to walk by faith, if you tried to do it in your own power?

I can't be a good wife unless I operate by the power of the Holy Spirit. So I'm asking today that the Lord would grant me grace and mercy by the Power of the Holy Spirit to love like He loves. To serve like He serves. To speak graciously. To not judge. To edify. To be tenderhearted. To be forgiving. To put my husband before myself and stop being selfish and self-centered. Today is another day of battling my flesh and today, I'm tired. So, Lord, please be my strength and my shield, my portion and my cup that overflows!! I love you so much! Thank you for all that you are to me!