Grace Perfected

Today has been a day where I have deeply struggled against the thief of my joy. Depression is an awful thorn in the flesh, but I know from past experience and from God's word - that His grace is made perfect in my weakness.

In this struggle, the Lord has given me 1 Peter 1:13-25.

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."

Since you call on a Father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear. For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. He was chose before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake. Through him you believe in God, who raise him from the dead and glorified him, and so your faith and hope are in God.

Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. For, "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the world of the Lord stands forever." And this is the word that was preached to you.

And this is the word that reminds me of how deep God's love is for me and how precious His grace is to carry me through whatever valley I need to travel for the sake of His purposes. How deep the Father's love for us - that he would make a wretch His treasure! That is grace perfected!

My Perfect Afternoon

Yesterday held one of the most perfect afternoons! After work, I drove over and picked up my son from school. As I approached, he excitedly lined up at just the right spot in the carpool lane, waving his hand showing me he had had a great day. That's the way to have a Monday right after Spring Break! In the car, he reminded me that I forgot to bring his afternoon snacks up to the office. After I apologized, he looks up and says, "It's okay mom. You can do it tomorrow!" Heading home, Jonathan begged for pizza. He hasn't had pizza in ages! So I agreed to a small cheese pizza. He insisted we walk to the "pizza store" which is around the corner from us. It was a glorious afternoon outside, and I agreed it was a great idea! On the way out of our front door, Jonathan informs me that he has his water gun, albeit empty, and that he will protect me from all the bad guys while we walk. I couldn't help the ear to ear smile that spread across my face. What a sweetheart!

As we walked, Jonathan was true to his word and "shot" down dozens and dozens of bad guys as we walked around the block. He made sure that I stayed just behind him so I would be safe. As we turned the corner and came from behind the wall that circles part of our apartment property, he shot some more bad guys and led the march across the parking lot to the little cafe where we would get our pizza. We talked and walked and he shot bad guys all the way to the door of the cafe. Inside, we sat at a cozy little table and waited the few minutes it would take to make the pizza. Then we headed home.

At home, Jonathan ate pizza while I checked email and school assignments. When he was done and had rested a bit, we headed outside again to practice some soccer drills. He did so well to remember the things he has been learning, despite the long break due to his lip injury and then spring break. For 30 minutes or so we romped around the back yard area behind our apartment and laughed and played. The last drill was a challenging one and with Jonathan already tired, he complained a bit at the prospect of having to do something so hard. But it was an opportunity for him to show some heart. He laughed at me when I told him to say with me..."I AM NOT A QUITTER!" Nice and loud. We both ended up laughing at he repeated the mantra, and he gave the drill a try until he was winded and spent. It was such a tender moment for me to see how Jonathan is maturing.

We went inside and Jonathan helped me clean a bit before we headed out to the store to get those snacks I had forgotten. By the time dinner and bath time were done, we sat together for our routine bedtime stories. Jonathan read his reading book and I read another chapter in Narnia. I don't think the story will ever make sense to him since he falls asleep long before I ever finish the chapter, but as I stepped out the room, turning off the light, I couldn't help but take a deep breath in and thank God for such a perfect afternoon!

Inadequate and Glad!

Today is Monday. I have been thinking lately about all the heartache in the various lives around me. In the past couple of years, friends and family have experienced so many tragedies: death, bankruptcy, divorce, family severances, abandonment, and financial disasters. God has been teaching me about what it really means to comfort those in need with the comfort I myself have received. I haven't experienced all of these things exactly the way my friends and family have experienced them, and in each circumstance, there is an ability to relate but even more so there is one over-riding lesson for me to learn: humility.

I can relate in various ways to each person's pain and certainly I have zeal for helping to comfort the one in such pain. Yet, so many times, I am driven to my knees because I realize just how overwhelmingly inadequate I am. I have nothing of great value to offer these suffering individuals, but my own bleeding heart. Sometimes that is of comfort, but how I long to do more than that. How I long to see their heartache and suffering turn to peace and joy and a smile on their faces! How I wish I had a check big enough to cover financial woes...how I wish I had prayers big enough to move their mountains of relationship woes...how I wish I knew God's plan so that I could be absolutely certain in pointing them down the right path....how I wish I had wisdom enough to make sense of their tragedies...how I wish I had words and persuasion enough to change hardened hearts and closed minds.

But I am not God.

I realize so often lately, that my inadequacy is actually a very good thing. It is a realization that keeps me humble and from ever believing too much in myself and not enough in the Lord whom I serve. He does use me in so many ways to touch hearts and lives beyond my comprehension. He has graced me with wisdom and discernment and continues to develop a heart of compassion and tenderness within me that is amazing. But ultimately, suffering people need Him. My inadequacy leaves me in just the right place...a place of offering personal touch and a hand to walk them to the One whom they really need - their Creator! How inadequate I am...and glad for it!

Lord, search my heart and reveal any pride within me that seeks to take glory for your work in the lives of those around me. Forgive me and cleanse me of such sin. I am not worthy of your glory and pray that I would be wise to the temptation of my flesh to usurp your glory. Use me as you see fit, and may my heart always praise you for all that you do. I am so grateful that you would not only save me, but also use me - to have a plan for my life, one of purpose and care. In the lives of those around me...those suffering...please Lord be their everything - their Alpha and Omega. Walk them through these valleys and transforms their lives. In the end, may their suffering be purposeful and fruitful toward your endeavors and plan!

In Awe

I'm sitting here marveling at God. I have no idea why it is that He choose to give me such an amazing life. No doubt there have been dark valleys..."valleys of the shadow of death"...but He has truly amazed me with how vividly He brings to life Romans 8:28 - working all things for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose. The ways He wove in family tragedies, pain, disobedience, and all the muck of my life and yet still painted such a beautiful, tender heart of compassion and a life abundantly filled with his blessings, I could never understand it all. I'm just in awe of His work.

A bit of that work seems to be a tenderness that has begun to hurt more and more lately. I look at the world around me and more and more I see it - the destruction, the chaos, the utter pain of His creation. I see pride, selfishness, and idolatry stealing away the very breath of life in each of us. I see lies slithering into our minds and binding us in heavy chains. I see us self-destructing under the guise of happiness. The whole scene makes me cry.

I cannot begin to fathom the depth of pain Jesus must have felt to weep for us. How deeply our Father grieves for us in all of our sin. For my heart to hurt so much and for me to be such a fallen person myself, I cannot grasp how much it must hurt the One whose heart knows no sin.

Lord, I praise you for this heart. I praise you for teaching me how desperately I need you each and every day. I ask that you please continue to tenderize my heart and give me wisdom. Teach me discernment and grace my tongue with your sword. Protect me from the enemy and help me to serve each and every person you have entrusted to me. Let me not fail you for my own pride, selfishness, and idolatrous flesh. Crucify those things in me which do not please you and use me as a guidepost for the person traveling behind me. Tenderize the hearts of those I have witnessed to and shared the gospel with. Call them to yourself and speak to their hearts with wild passion. Chase them Lord and break the hardness of their spirits. Show them again how much you love them. Lead me where you want me to go and keep reminding me that I should not have zeal without knowledge nor should I be hasty and miss the way!

I Stand in Awe

I had been in a high-stress mode for a little more than two weeks. Then, last Wednesday, I got a call from my son’s school. He had cut his lip with scissors and they were thus far unsuccessful at getting his lip to stop bleeding; I needed to pick him up right away and get medical attention. Through the entire ordeal, from the time I first laid eyes on his gruesome injury to the time we settled into bed later that night, suddenly the busyness had melted away. It was that day that peace seemed to re-enter my daily life. So very strange, but true. Yet realizing that it was this event that was responsible for slowing me down, I felt a little sad. How is it that it took something like that to make me stop in the craziness my life? Why am I so easily drawn into the outside edges of G0d-independent living? However, in that sadness, I am blessed because God goes to such great lengths to reach us and keep us near to Him and His heart. That is so amazing to me. He amazes me.

God has endless creativity in His vast array of ways to reach me, to touch me and to draw me close to Him. I could never do it justice in description, but how grateful I am for a Father as loving, as tender, as creative, as passionate, as awesome, as powerful, as wonderful as He!

In the past several days, life has been breathed back into my daily schedule. It never ceases to cause wonderment in the difference His presence makes in my day. The same crowded calendar doesn’t seem as busy or hectic. The same challenges and difficulties seem diminished into minor nuisances. Heartaches sting a little less. Disappointments are replaced with gratitude. Emptiness is filled to overflowing. Practically speaking, my housework is done, my homework completed, and suddenly there seems ample time to play Monopoly and Super Mario Bros Wii with my son. I even gave one of our dogs a bath. The scene of the last few days is a far cry from the exhaustion, monotony, and hardship of the days that preceded it even when the tasks and interactions were all the same.

Lord, I stand in awe of you. I’ll never understand why you picked me up out of the miry clay of oblivious slavery and gave me a place near your heart. I am only grateful that you did. I’ll never be able to repay you for the redemption you have given me. I can only give you the praises of my heart, mind and soul. You are truly an awesome and personal God, beyond my finite comprehension. May you accept this meager contribution to the wonder of your glory. I love you!

The Enemy Within

Romans 7:14-25 "For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin."

I have been reading a book called "The Enemy Within" by Kris Lundgaard. I highly recommend every born-again believer read it. I have been learning so much about this civil war, as we call it, between the Spirit and the flesh. It annoys me to say the least, that I know I am "free" in Christ and yet I continue to sin. Why is it so hard to NOT sin? Well, this book has helped me explore the scriptures and recognize the enemy within me and how this internal civil war is really being waged.

I now realize how little attention I have paid to this enemy called our "flesh". The fallen nature of humanity was sort of a secondary, non-consequential idea in the back of my head. But as I have studied to find the cure to my "Christian Sin Problem" - that is, the problem of being a Christian, but still struggling so intensely with sin, I discovered that I am my Christian sin problem. Positionally speaking, I am saved. God redeemed me through faith in the work of Jesus Christ on the cross. I was convicted of my sins, confessed them, repented and surrendered my life to the Lord. But salvation and sanctification as we all know, are two separate things.

Salvation is the positional change in our relationship with God.

"But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ." - Ephesians 2:13

Salvation means that our souls are no longer dead and we are no longer bound, without options, to sin and its eternally deadly consequences.

"All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in trangressions - it is by grace you have been saved." - Ephesians 2:3-5

Salvation is activated by the Holy Spirit in an act called "faith" and it is NOT a work of ourselves.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9

Sanctification is the act of working out our salvation with fear and trembling. (Philippians 2:12) Both salvation and sanctification are matters of faith - faith being defined as "Choosing to live as though the bible is true regardless of emotions, circumstances or cultural trends."

I have been frustrated by how simplistic and yet horribly difficult it seems to be to "walk by faith". Until I read this verse:

Philippians 2:13, "For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose."

Combine that with the fact that faith is a gift from God in the first place and not something that comes from within ourselves (so no one can boast), and what we have here is a reality that brings me to my knees. I CAN'T be good. It is not in my nature to do anything good or righteous or holy whatsoever.

Romans 3:10-12 "As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one."

But does that mean I do whatever I want just because my flesh is evil? In the words of Paul, "By no means!" Given this truth about how my flesh is evil, relentless, and absolutely depraved, and yet nothing I "do" can possibly fix it or counteract it, then I must surrender myself to the grace and mercy of God.

I've concluded, on this side of heaven, that there is an endless supply of things in my heart that need His grace and mercy through the sanctification process. Depravity brings me to my knees every time I think about it. When one impurity has been burned out, another surfaces. I am a desperate woman. One who, apart from Jesus Christ, is helpless, hopeless and purely evil. It is by grace that I have faith to be saved. It is by grace that I have faith to be sanctified. Not even the air I breathe comes to me apart from His grace. My only "job" is to realize that if I pray, read scripture, go to church, minister to others, share the gospel, feed and clothe the poor, help my neighbors, or any other "Christian" act, I can claim no victory of my own over my flesh. I can claim no glory of "good deeds done". There are no accolades for my "works". I can only claim His grace and praise Him, praise Him, praise Him. For HE alone gained victory.

We have an enemy within. That enemy viciously fights against God with everything it has. So I pray, before we blame Satan for the temptations of the day (and He is obviously still at work), that we'll remember the enemy we carry with us every single day throughout this earthly life - the enemy that never calls a cease-fire, never tires of battling against good and righteousness, and never lets up in the quest to destroy. Victory is certainly ours through Christ, but every bit of it is a gift. We have nothing good in ourselves to boast of and claim as our own work.

Today, I pray that when we have faith to battle against our flesh, when there is victory in a choice between good and evil, that it will be in those moments that we fall to our knees in gratitude for the work He has done in that moment. And when we sin, I pray we still fall to our knees, reminded of how very real and very intense our enemy is.

Wretched Woman!

Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you toward repentance? — Romans 2:4

Most certainly I have found myself in contempt today. I have been appalled lately by certain points of view regarding marriage. God has put such a tender place in my heart for how sacred the marriage covenant really is. His grace has pushed me to see my husband and my marriage so differently than I used to and seemingly very different than a great many professing Christians I speak with. However, in thinking through how watered down this particular subject has been in our culture today, God spoke to my heart about my own depravity. So what if I have a tender place for marriage in my thinking...if so much of the rest of my life displays contempt for his kindness, tolerance and patience!

Everything that does not come from faith - is sin. - Romans 14:23

That is my life. Where is my faith to spend each and every dollar as if it TRULY belonged to God and not me. Where is my faith that I am to glorify God with every word? Where is my heart of humility to serve my husband instead of constantly expecting him to serve me? Where is my faith to submit to the Lord and to my husband's leadership? Where is the faith that demonstrates unconditional love and humility to every single person around me, absolutely free of judgement? Is this how Paul felt when he said, "Oh what a wretched man am I!"? I certainly feel, "Oh what a wretched woman am I!" I am so depraved. I have preached and yet not lived as if faith makes a difference...that His holiness counts for everything and not just something...that God is Sovereign Ruler of everything...including the very breath in my lungs. Where has the awe and passion been apart from just words?

Oh Lord, I am so sorry. I am so sorry to have not lived by faith. I have not sought you or chosen to live according to your words. Circumstances, emotions, and my American way have taken up idolatrous positions in my heart. I put those down, Father and ask for your forgiveness. I am so sorry. Holy Spirit, work in me. Cause me to will and to act according to His good purposes. Move in my heart complete repentance...I don't want to show contempt for my Father's precious grace. Keep this fear in my heart that I may know His wisdom. I surrender my hardened heart to you, Father. Break it and please help me to walk in faith. Keep my heart tender to the law of sin at work in me. Continue to show me where sin resides and burn it out of me Lord. Break down these horrible idols and don't let me go far from you.

Thank you Jesus, for the grace you bought for me on the cross. For the pain you endured for my depravity. Thank you Father for choosing me, for lifting me up and giving me eyes to see you and for working in me to be like Your Son! How I pray my life will be an offering to you.

Today's Prayer: Desperately

Where do I start, Lord, when my heart is so broken? How do I begin to sift through this pain? I know the stain of sin darkens my heart today, and yet I seem to hold fast to my resolve not to look at it. I pretend the stain is of blood shed in this recent attack. But not all the pain was inflicted by the enemy, now was it? Some of this pain comes from my depravity ... the consequences of living in the confines of sinful flesh.

I need to experience your freedom Father. You promise the truth will set me free, but I know there is no one...not even me, who seeks you or your righteousness. Your word is righteousness, and I know I cannot seek it and do not seek it. So please help me. Lift me from the miry clay...save me from the traps that have ensnared and wounded me.

I am lost, scared, hurt, and wounded. I need you Lord...desperately.

My Years with the Lord

I was just pondering the wonders of the past several years with the Lord. It's been an amazing journey with Him and I can hardly believe the wonders of His work in my life.

2002 - 2004 were the Years of Healing

Beginning with surrender to Him, knowing this was a relationship instead of a religion. He began to heal me of so many wounds. Teaching me to trust Him and to live today instead of in the past or for the future. It was a time in which I learned to see Him as my Father.

2005 was the Year of Parenting

I call it this, because this was the year a dear friend woke me up as to what kind of mother I was...which was a far cry from the kind of mother I wanted to be. It was the year God grew my heart akin to His in the area of parenting and that changed the whole dynamic between me and my son.

2006 was the year of Relationships

This was a year that tested, challenged, stretched and grew me in respect to my lack of skills in relating to people in God's way. Friends, guys, family...you name it, He threw it all in there to set me on a path toward healthier relationships (still a work in progress, but it started here). :D

2007 was the year of Trusting His Provision

This was the year that He began to get a hold of me in the area of finances and materials things. He brought me to a place where I began to see that everything was His and He was faithful in providing everything I needed: food, clothing, a home...and so much more! (Again, still a work in progress, but it started here).

2008 was the year of Prayer

That year was the year I got married and through the end of 2007 into 2008, I began to realize how important prayer really was and what prayer was in my relationship to my Heavenly Father. It was when I got excited about prayer and began to realize that prayer isn't just about talking to my Father, but about experiencing Him in a much deeper way.

2009 was the year of Truth

Like no other year before, the scriptures were alive to me! This is the year I began to see the sheer power of His word and learned to love it more than I ever have. There was a reverence for His word and a heart willing to seek it out and obey it. A truly life-changing year!

and this year seems to be the year of Discipline. Already He has set in motion, laying it down on the previous foundation, that discipline is not only possible, but that He is orchestrating and living it out in my life! I'm really looking forward to every day He gives me this year! :D

Is He not the most AMAZING and AWESOME God you could know? He is to me!!!

It's really about perspective, isn't it?

When it comes to the heart, I rarely know where to begin. Sometimes the words flow so easily and then there are times like this, when I have so much on my heart and mind that the initial stutter is rather intense.

I guess I could start with a little perspective on the outside world...at least my outside world. I see a world that is fallen. Rather simplistic summary "fallen" is for a world riddled with heartache, loss, health challenges, sinners, grief and conflict of every imaginable type. But "fallen" it is. That status is why we see the bad around us. It's why we lock our doors, go through boxes and boxes of tissue, burn up the phone lines to friends or counselors, shut down communication with our spouses, family members and friends, struggle and fight with those closest to us, and experience the turmoils of the workplace.

But how depressing to see only that. Even though my heart is incredibly heavy today, it seems my Maker is reaching through the heartache, lifting my chin and saying...keep your eyes on me, my child! Then, through Him, I see the joy...the blessings...all the good in our world.

I see people praising Him in the midst of tragedies and tough life challenges. I see people seeking good when they want so desperately to give up. I see His hand reaching out to the lost, calling them to Himself. I see His arms cradling and carrying His children - tightly protecting them. I see ships sailing through raging storms. I see the Potter working his creation, molding away...breaking down rough spots and rejoicing over pliable clay. I see life sprouting up where the desert once laid. I see fruit where there used to be only barren limbs. I see generosity and gratitude. I see kindness and good will. I see peace where war once raged.

I guess in the end...it's really about perspective, isn't it?

Oh Father, give me your eyes to see. I keep seeing and hearing all the negative...all the bad...contentment, gratitude and optimism...I need my heart to go back to those things. I can't stay with this envy, lack of thanksgiving and pessimism. I don't want to be a complainer or discourager. I want to have your perspective, but I can't seem to make that happen. Please help me. Give me your eyes and let me see this world and all the people in it from your perspective instead of my own. Thank you for your faithfulness Lord...your infinite mercy on me and your empowering grace. I love you.