I've been reading this book called A Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan B. Allender. It was a daunting but alluring book on the shelf because the subtitle reads: "hope for adult victims of childhood sexual abuse". I was drawn to it as a resource that promised to help me deal with some of the repercussions that still exist in my life because I experienced sexual abuse as a child. Yet, those types of resources, especially biblically based, very effective resources, are not things to pick up and take lightly. They are often gut-wrenching mirrors by which to see the ugly parts of life. This book has thus far proven to be no less gut-wrenching than my counseling materials were.
Today, as I read, I had something really stand out to me. In counseling, I was told that my issue with compulsive overeating was more than likely directly tied to a shame-based identity rooted in the childhood abuse. Now, to me that sounds like an excuse for sin and a confusing one at that. But over time, as I am more and more desperate to kick my gluttony habit, I have also become more and more frustrated with this seeming inability to quit self-sabatoging my goals. Whenever I plan a set of meals or some "easy" guidelines when it comes to what I eat and how, I somehow end up with this horrifying venture of stuffing my face full of food I'm not even hungry for. It doesn't make sense to me and I end up hating myself for it. It's a vicious cycle I would do just about anything to break, but I haven't found a way to do so. But as I'm going through this book's section on the dynamics of abuse, I got to a part about shame. Within that, the author was talking about levels of contempt that the abused acts out. There were four levels of contempt and two ways in which to display it (to self and to others).
I read the definition of trust - "empowering another to determine our desirability and worth" and the definition of shame being a "disappointed longing" linked with "misplaced trust" and really identified with that in the context of my abuse experience. I had "trusted" my abusers and allowed them to determine my desirability and worth. Part of it was not my fault, but naivity of childhood and part of it was an active idolatry. No one apart from the Lord Himself can or should determine my desirability or worth. So when I expressed the desire to be loved and valued (my God-given longing), I put my trust in these men throughout my lifetime that horribly disappointed me by twisting what was a godly desire to be loved into something sinister to gratify their lust. This transaction resulted in huge amounts of shame.
Prior to this, I understood that to a degree because of my years in bible-based therapy, but what I hadn't understood was the connection between the experience of that shame and issue of contempt. I had never before in my life thought that I had "contempt" for myself or others. Hatred seemed a more fitting label because it had an aire of being "only emotional" and not an active thing. But contempt seems different to me. Contempt IS very active. Feeling illegitament shame creates a shield - CONTEMPT. Habitually being molested and sexually abused created a pattern in me of experiencing shame and acting out with contempt toward myself and others. I once thought my destructive life patterns were pretty clear, but I promise you, today I felt like those things were now being seen in HD! :)
The levels of contempt are a) severe contempt - physically destructive, b) moderately severe - personally destructive, c) mildly severe - critically evaluative and d) least severe - relationally uncomfortable.
I can see patterns of severe contempt in the years before I started counseling: alcohol abuse, severe sexual deviancy, and suicidal thoughts. As I sort through my current patterns, I'm not sure where to put them on this scale, but they are being identified and it's amazing to me!
I know it might seem strange that I would be joyful over this review given the sordid past and all, but Jesus said, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." Understanding how my idolatry and negative patterns can be broken is, for me, to understand the sin for which I need forgiveness. Christ has promised freedom from the chains of slavery to sin. And my frustration at not understanding this compulsive overeating has driven me mad! I'm tired of yanking these chains and feeling like they'll never be broken. Today, I found the weak link and I'm honing in on the other pieces to this puzzle that will give me the key to breaking these sinful patterns once and for all!
Although I doubt any of this makes much sense to anyone but me, I'll close and say - I love the hope of Jesus Christ!
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