Puzzle Pieces

I've been reading this book called A Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan B. Allender. It was a daunting but alluring book on the shelf because the subtitle reads: "hope for adult victims of childhood sexual abuse". I was drawn to it as a resource that promised to help me deal with some of the repercussions that still exist in my life because I experienced sexual abuse as a child. Yet, those types of resources, especially biblically based, very effective resources, are not things to pick up and take lightly. They are often gut-wrenching mirrors by which to see the ugly parts of life. This book has thus far proven to be no less gut-wrenching than my counseling materials were.

Today, as I read, I had something really stand out to me. In counseling, I was told that my issue with compulsive overeating was more than likely directly tied to a shame-based identity rooted in the childhood abuse. Now, to me that sounds like an excuse for sin and a confusing one at that. But over time, as I am more and more desperate to kick my gluttony habit, I have also become more and more frustrated with this seeming inability to quit self-sabatoging my goals. Whenever I plan a set of meals or some "easy" guidelines when it comes to what I eat and how, I somehow end up with this horrifying venture of stuffing my face full of food I'm not even hungry for. It doesn't make sense to me and I end up hating myself for it. It's a vicious cycle I would do just about anything to break, but I haven't found a way to do so. But as I'm going through this book's section on the dynamics of abuse, I got to a part about shame. Within that, the author was talking about levels of contempt that the abused acts out. There were four levels of contempt and two ways in which to display it (to self and to others).

I read the definition of trust - "empowering another to determine our desirability and worth" and the definition of shame being a "disappointed longing" linked with "misplaced trust" and really identified with that in the context of my abuse experience. I had "trusted" my abusers and allowed them to determine my desirability and worth. Part of it was not my fault, but naivity of childhood and part of it was an active idolatry. No one apart from the Lord Himself can or should determine my desirability or worth. So when I expressed the desire to be loved and valued (my God-given longing), I put my trust in these men throughout my lifetime that horribly disappointed me by twisting what was a godly desire to be loved into something sinister to gratify their lust. This transaction resulted in huge amounts of shame.

Prior to this, I understood that to a degree because of my years in bible-based therapy, but what I hadn't understood was the connection between the experience of that shame and issue of contempt. I had never before in my life thought that I had "contempt" for myself or others. Hatred seemed a more fitting label because it had an aire of being "only emotional" and not an active thing. But contempt seems different to me. Contempt IS very active. Feeling illegitament shame creates a shield - CONTEMPT. Habitually being molested and sexually abused created a pattern in me of experiencing shame and acting out with contempt toward myself and others. I once thought my destructive life patterns were pretty clear, but I promise you, today I felt like those things were now being seen in HD! :)

The levels of contempt are a) severe contempt - physically destructive, b) moderately severe - personally destructive, c) mildly severe - critically evaluative and d) least severe - relationally uncomfortable.

I can see patterns of severe contempt in the years before I started counseling: alcohol abuse, severe sexual deviancy, and suicidal thoughts. As I sort through my current patterns, I'm not sure where to put them on this scale, but they are being identified and it's amazing to me!

I know it might seem strange that I would be joyful over this review given the sordid past and all, but Jesus said, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." Understanding how my idolatry and negative patterns can be broken is, for me, to understand the sin for which I need forgiveness. Christ has promised freedom from the chains of slavery to sin. And my frustration at not understanding this compulsive overeating has driven me mad! I'm tired of yanking these chains and feeling like they'll never be broken. Today, I found the weak link and I'm honing in on the other pieces to this puzzle that will give me the key to breaking these sinful patterns once and for all!

Although I doubt any of this makes much sense to anyone but me, I'll close and say - I love the hope of Jesus Christ!

The Love Dare - Day 5

Love is not rude - today's dare was to ask my husband to tell me three things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritated with me. At first, he laughed. He had to think pretty hard. Not sure that necessarily reflected positively on me more than it showed that my husband is just not by nature a critical person. (I love him for that!)

But he did manage to come up with a couple of things, which I expanded to three specifics that I can seek to work on in order to love my husband in a way that is not rude. First, I put my husband on the spot with questions that require a great deal of thought and I often do that at inopportune times. Over the phone, while he's at work, is not a good time to bring up something and expect an answer. Now, thankfully, I do not expect an answer when I ask those types of questions. His sharing this with me has helped me see that a little bit of change in the way I ask, can communicate to my husband that I would like to discuss it at some point, without making him feel like he has to deliver a well-thought out response right there, right then. So I'll be working on that.

Secondly, my husband noted my negativity, especially toward myself. I have been struggling with my weight and my eating habits and have voiced my displeasure in pretty harsh ways. There was even a point at which I shut down his positive input for the sake of my negative rant. He said that is pretty uncomfortable and irritating. He's trying to love me and encourage me and I'm harshly refusing for the sake of my own pity party. Yikes...pretty rude!

Lastly, I pulled out of what he was saying that I'm not a very good listener. He and I have talked about that recently because we both struggle with empathizing and communicating empathy to one another. So listening is something we've been working on as of late. Repeating back things so that the other person knows we received the message he/she meant to communicate. We're still working on that and me, well, I still have a long way to go in communicating I am on my husband's team, I support him, and I hear exactly what he's saying.

So in my 40 day endeavor to develop better "love" habits, day 5 has given me some specific ways in which I can demonstrate love without rudeness. Love that is thoughtful and considerate of my husband, instead of selfish and self-centered. This love dare thing is pretty cool!!

Moments Like These

The world around me can seem so dark sometimes. Having just come out of my own depression recently…one that honestly rocked me a bit with its unusually lengthy stay, I have awakened to a world in such torment. Broken relationships, crisis marriages, lost and hurting people, broken families, and people pulled under by the circumstances around them. It has made me stop and think about how wonderful and blessed my life is and humbled me for having taken God’s mercy for granted. My marriage, imperfect like any other marriage, is stable and growing. I have a husband who loves me and demonstrates his love to me and our son. I have a son who, yes, can be difficult sometimes, but is loving, kind and obedient. We’ve lost a big chunk of our income recently but haven’t been for want of anything and have been blessed to give generously to others in desperate need. How in the world could I have been so blind to the incredible wealth of reasons to be happy and excited about life?

I suppose that is a rhetorical question that I already know the answer to: because none of those things are the real reason I’m happy or joyful or excited. When I get down to it, my life could look just as ugly and messy as some of the lives I see around me, but my joy always comes surging in when I look through the eternal lens at this life. Sickness, poverty, loss…how can it measure against eternity in paradise? How can temporary hardship have anything over forever in the presence of the King who loves me?

His provision, His listening ear, His embrace, His reminder that His work in me is not finished, His consistent shepherding of my waywardness, His gentleness and kindness…I am hard-pressed to think, much less voice, complaint when I dwell on the Truth. Oh how I wish I lived in these types of moments always.

Reality is that I fall and my thinking gets muddled and I get worldly. I wish I did stay in the energy of Spirit-filled peace at all times, but my flesh still manages to get in the way more frequently than I care to admit. But I’m thankful for moments like these…moments when the Lord makes me acutely aware of blessing….moments when gratitude swells my heart and compassion overflows to the lives around me who are living in those worldly moments.

Lord, thank you! Thank you for being so good to me. Thank you for not allowing me to be ungrateful in the moments of abundance…for reminding me that YOU are the abundance and not the easy life that is ours for the time being. Hardship for us may be right around the corner…another test or trial to refine our character…but whatever comes…help me be like Jesus….Help me to say and wholeheartedly believe – not my will, Father, but yours be done! Because I love you. Because more than that…YOU love me! Praise you, Lord Jesus! You are truly awesome and Mighty to Save!

The Love Dare

So you might have seen the movie Fireproof. It was an incredible movie for both me and my husband. It has served as a reminder that love is work. A marriage doesn't thrive on chemistry; it's nourished by consistent godly actions by each spouse. If you want a great marriage, you have to work at it. No one has a great marriage otherwise.

In thinking about what I could do to celebrate Valentines Day for my husband, I purchased the book from the Fireproof movie - The Love Dare. It is 40 days of applying the reality of what love really is...the means by which the Lord intended for us to love our spouses. I admit, even though I think Shea and I are doing pretty well in our first year of marriage, this was a daunting dare. I have learned just how selfish I can be since I got married. I have discovered levels of pride and selfishness that I never knew I had. So just being married has pushed me to new levels of character refinement, but this book promised to dig even deeper. That was a bit scary. Yet, since I knew that the rewards of following the Lord's plan were always worth it, I moved forward.

I gave my husband his Valentine gift, letting him know that I am going to spend the next 40 days seeking to love him like Jesus.

Day 1 was pretty simple (at least I thought). The dare was to not say anything negative to your spouse. Throughout the day, I had to bite my tongue pretty hard. Reflecting on it, the things that came up were not because Shea had done something terrible, but they were times when selfishness reared its ugly head. The first instance was about control. We had made an agreement about a purchase and when it was not honored (by $3 measly dollars), I wanted to blow a gasket. The $3 wasn't going to break our budget, I promise! I simply wanted to control the situation and when I couldn't, I got mad. But I bit my tongue and avoided the negative stream of words waiting to burst forth from my mouth. Next, I was on my way home from my Saturday morning activities, fully expecting my husband to have been up and taking care of the brakes on his jeep (as we agreed). Disappointed, at 1pm, my husband was just getting out of bed. Never mind that he got home from work the night before at 5am that morning and it was Saturday...he wasn't following the plan. But again, I bit my tongue. So then, after the brakes were done and I was in the kitchen cleaning, I felt the rise of complaint once again. Why in the world was my husband sitting on the couch while I was working so hard to get the house clean for the night? Why wasn't he offering to help me? (Did I ask him? No.) But I was still mad that he wasn't reading my mind and helping me, cause he wasn't blind or stupid. He could see what I was doing!

Alas, I discovered that my selfishness is still there in full force, but I discovered that I do not have to act on it. I do not have to voice those things, and it's better when I hold my tongue. My husband helps me a lot and works very hard to do what he needs to do. He works overtime to make sure we have all we need and then some, so $3 isn't anything to be upset over. With as much as he works, he gets very little time to sit and be idle...and I mean very little time. So to be "up in arms" over him sleeping in a little or a 15 minute rest on the couch is a bit ridiculous on my part. It was good to hold back. It helped me to show my husband that he can be imperfect and that I can let go of my desire to control everything and everyone around me without dire consequences.

I didn't get to see my husband for Day 2 because he had to work later than planned, but today's challenge is to do something unexpected as an act of kindness and to buy him something that says "I'm thinking about you". Not sure what I'll buy, but I have my act of kindness ready to go!

So I hope if you've read this, you've been inspired to love the ones around you today. If, like me, you can easily let the criticism roll off your tongue, bite down hard! :) And if you haven't done something random as a way of showing those around you that you care...get a little out of the norm today and let them know "I love you".

Encouragement - My Quandary

I find myself a little irritated about something I have discovered about myself. In general, I love how the Lord has created in me an "encourager" nature. I see Him working all around me so often in the lives of my friends and complete strangers to encourage and exhort people in Him and His word. But do you think that happens as easily when it comes to my dear husband?

OH NO! The world would stop somehow if I could actually encourage my husband with the same intensity and sincerity that I encouarge neighbors, friends, and strangers. It's ridiculous!

But alas, here in this quandary, I find a treasure. I could no sooner truly encourage anyone, including my husband, if it were not for the work of the Lord in me.

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. - Phil 2:13

It is most assuredly the Lord who works in me to will and to act according to His good purpose. And the key to that continuing to happen is simple...reverent obedience.

Even when it is difficult, and I feel like "I can't", at those times, if I will just choose to obey, the Lord's grace comes sweeping in to fulfill His work. That's hard when I'm tired, irratible, and PMSing...that is the last moment in which I want to be empathetic toward my husband who is dealing with and talking about his terrible day. I want to fix it, tell him what he's doing wrong, or tell him to stop complaining...none of which is loving or remotely appropriate. But when I bite my tongue and let my husband know that I can empathize with a bad day, that I love him and support him no matter what...God's grace comes swooping in.

I see my husband's face relax. I see a smile appear. And most surprisingly, I feel a deeper sense of intimacy with a man who I otherwise would have held at arm's length. There is blessing in obedience!!

I'm learning that just because I can do something in one venue, doesn't mean that I can do it in ANY venue. The Lord is still shaping my heart and picking out that selfishness and tidbits of unkindness. Of course, pride is still such a monster in my life...more than I ever thought in the early years of being a Christian. And all of that worldliness in me keeps me from being able to encourage my husband the same way I encourage others.

Hopefully it's true that "knowing is half the battle". The other half? - obedience! :)

Out of the Woods

Depression is something I've dealt with over my lifetime on numerous occasions. In the past few years, it has been rare that my depression last as long as this last stint has. I was very discouraged that I couldn't seem to "shake it". But alas, the light shines! I have felt free to breathe again for an entire week. I think until today, I was nervous to hope that it was finally gone, but I had to stop with the fear and just embrace that the Lord had lifted the rain cloud on my parade! :)

I see the effects of the lift everywhere...work, the smile on my face, the joy in my heart, the eagerness to be around those I love and appreciate, and even my house is starting to once again reflect the orderliness of my heart and soul! My journal is several pages longer and my heart, having been poured out, in return, is being filled with so much. The Lord has shown me (once again) of His faithfulness. He amazes me and humbles me with his faithfulness. Even when I have veered away from Him, stomped my feet in tantrums, or apathetically drifted into worldliness, He stays my constant companion. No, in those times, I do not feel his presence, but He's there somehow. He's wooing me and prying into my heart, digging up the truth planted there...truth that sets me free once again from the sin that I have put back on. He whispers, persistently and patiently, that no matter how far I've gone, repentance is the open road of return. It's not closed and I need only turn to come back.

Oh how I love the Lord...and it's such a vibrant reality to me that I love Him because He first loved me!

The Body

Sunday was such a special day for me. As you know, I have been struggling with depression for several weeks now. The worse the depression gets, the less I want to be around anyone or do anything (except eat that is). I didn't want to go to church on Sunday. We have missed a lot of church since Christmas, and I almost didn't go yesterday either. But I really didn't have a good reason...other than not wanting to go.

So, despite being pretty late, I did go. I sat quietly through Sunday school. I listened, but my usual willingness to participate was muted. At some points, my emotions were so overwhelming I thought I would break down crying right there in class. When asked what was wrong, tears would well back up to my eyelids before I looked and blinked them back. It was stifling to be in a room full of people...but I also felt so alone.

Going to the worship hall was almost worse. A place where I normally enter with arms open wide, ready to embrace the Lord's presence, I was walled off and tightly chained. I couldn't sing; I couldn't pray. I couldn't keep the tears back anymore either.

Then it happened...

A friend reached over and asked if we could go out into the foyer and talk. We did. As I sat with her, unsure of where to start...pieces of my heart began to spill out. I had walked into church with a ton of lead weight pressing down on me. I felt spiritually dry...a desert waste land. Then another friend came over to me as I returned to my seat just to give me a hug and pray with me. After the encouragement, the prayers, and just being able to share what was on my heart, I felt my burdened had been unloaded. I felt renewed, refreshed and restored. I felt that the Lord himself had met me that morning to wrap His arms around me and tell me how much He loves and cares for me and is concerned for my troubled heart!

It was an amazing reminder of how crucial it is for us to operate as the Body of Christ ought to operate. We need to be there to share each other's burdens, encourage and exhort one another, and sharpen each other spiritually. We are all moving parts of one whole that is functioning for the eternal purposes of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I was so grateful for that reminder - so grateful for His touch yesterday!

Thank you Jesus for your love and care! You amaze me with the way you reach into our lives and hearts with messages we often seem to want to run from, but so desperately need! Thank you for reaching down into my pit and giving me hope and a taste of your goodness! I love you!