So once I came to grip with my depression and began taking steps toward healing my relationship with the Lord, I have noticed a much better attitude and outlook each day. I'm not completely "out of the woods" so to speak, but I sure am "seeing the light of day" again! :) lol Anyway, my eating habits are becoming a lot less compulsive. I have started writing in my journal again and my husband and I now have a daily prayer appointment. I even went to bed without watching anything on TV last night! So little choices are making a big difference. I wish I could say everything is all better now, but it's just going to take some time.
I went to the gym yesterday and met with my trainer. I have a few sessions with a personal trainer as a gift from my husband when this whole "oh my goodness, I can't believe I weigh 236 pounds" crisis hit! :) It was pretty crazy, but I am having flashbacks of bootcamp. I've told people before that I would absolutely love going back to Marine Corp bootcamp. It was an incredible time for so many reasons. Specific to this situation, bootcamp pushed me in ways that I didn't think I could be pushed. I found myself succeeding when before I would have only thought "failure". I think what bothers me the most is seeing how that didn't last. You would think it's pretty logical to conclude that once you experience that, you would be more likely to embrace success the next time you are challenged. Instead, I still find myself trapped by fear in those type of challenging situations.
As you know, I watch the Biggest Loser on NBC. I see how these men and women struggle with that too. But somehow (without Christ), they seem to be reaching beyond their fear and finding an exhilarating strength. I...me here....I have Christ! What on earth is my problem? I have more power than any of those contestants with their "self-will" because I have the Creator of the Universe working in me. And if I know that health and success in treating my body the right way are godly things, I don't fully understand my hangup in the fear of success.
Here are my brainstorming thoughts on the subject though...Successful weight loss would mean I no longer have an identity I have had for many many years. It's difficult to articulate, but once you become "the fat girl", it's hard to imagine yourself any other way. It's easy to hide behind your weight. It's an excuse to self-indulge - "I'm fat anyway...what does it matter what I eat?" It's an excuse for laziness - "I don't have a lot of energy...I'm overweight." It's an excuse for a lot of things. It becomes the focus of who you are. You see yourself through your clothing size and the food you eat. Failure to lose weight in the past becomes the excuse not to try for success in other areas of life as well. Then there is all of the masking that goes on...the attempts to make yourself and others believe that your weight doesn't bother you. But you still make those self-deprecating statements and jokes that carry negative undertones that no one really misses despite any laughter. So for me, I think all of this is mixed in there somewhere. Still so much worldly thinking that needs to be challenged and defeated with scripture. Still so many lies to overcome.
I think the best advice anyone ever gave me about discipline was "taking small steps". Making one change at a time and proving to yourself that consistency can happen. Seeing that success comes from perseverance. Drastic and extreme measures can wear out the best of intentions, but over time, one step after another can help anyone make it to their destination. Kind of like the Tortoise and the Hare. Vanity and self-reliance pumped up the arrogance of the Hare who ultimately loses, but the Hare displays the hard work and steady determination that won him the race!
So in every area I feel the effects of failure can be address by this analogy. When I realize I'm missing out on prayer and meditation of the word. Trying to implement a huge reading load and drastically changing my daily schedule to make everything about prayer and scripture may put me in the lead for a little while, but I know from past experience changes like that don't last. But a daily prayer appointment with my husband has been great. Drastically cutting out a long list of food items won't last either. But making an effort to pick healthy foods and exercise everyday can! So maybe I can't go back to bootcamp, but that may not be what I need. How do I know that people on this Biggest Loser reality show are really all that better off than they were before? Perhaps there is a better path to success...once that gives me lasting freedom from the fears and excuses I have long held onto. Somehow I think the answer lies in godly discipline.
I think rabbits are really cute, but in life...I think I'm beginning to identify more with the turtle!
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