Bad Day

I haven't quite figured out how to recover from the start of a "bad day" - just seems to get worse as time goes on. Yesterday, with regard to this exercise/eat right regimine, I had a "bad day". My emotions seemed to get "off" first thing, then an ice storm hits the metroplex, and I can't get to the gym. My son is bored. I'm bored. My emotions are unstable...so what did I do? Situps? Push-ups? Heavens no...I made spaghetti and ate a lot of it. I followed that up with my version of strawberry shortcake. Then later watched TV with two bowls of cereal! What the heck is wrong with me!?

I've noticed that I still have a knack for "yo-yoing" and still haven't fully nixed my issue with committment and follow-through. ugh!!! So annoyed with myself. You wouldn't think it would be that hard to do what I know needs to be done. Instead, I ignore the warning signals going off in my head and drown it out with the noise of the TV and eat to my heart's sickness!

Disgusting.

I can only hope today is better.

There is an element here I just haven't put my thumb on though...an element that has to do with me turning to food instead of to the Lord. Instead of being bored, I could have spent time with the Lord. Instead of watching TV, I could have been reading my bible, praying or singing worship songs. All things I once found SOOO super easy to enjoy and turn to...

This PIT sucks! I hate being here and hate that I managed to land myself here - AGAIN!

But alas, whining and complaining about it won't do me (or you) any good, now will it? So I guess it's time to rise up, dust off my knees and start over again. Thank the good Lord that His mercies are new EVERY morning!!! So help me...there will come the day when I have been rescued from this pit!

The Tortoise or The Hare?

So once I came to grip with my depression and began taking steps toward healing my relationship with the Lord, I have noticed a much better attitude and outlook each day. I'm not completely "out of the woods" so to speak, but I sure am "seeing the light of day" again! :) lol Anyway, my eating habits are becoming a lot less compulsive. I have started writing in my journal again and my husband and I now have a daily prayer appointment. I even went to bed without watching anything on TV last night! So little choices are making a big difference. I wish I could say everything is all better now, but it's just going to take some time.

I went to the gym yesterday and met with my trainer. I have a few sessions with a personal trainer as a gift from my husband when this whole "oh my goodness, I can't believe I weigh 236 pounds" crisis hit! :) It was pretty crazy, but I am having flashbacks of bootcamp. I've told people before that I would absolutely love going back to Marine Corp bootcamp. It was an incredible time for so many reasons. Specific to this situation, bootcamp pushed me in ways that I didn't think I could be pushed. I found myself succeeding when before I would have only thought "failure". I think what bothers me the most is seeing how that didn't last. You would think it's pretty logical to conclude that once you experience that, you would be more likely to embrace success the next time you are challenged. Instead, I still find myself trapped by fear in those type of challenging situations.

As you know, I watch the Biggest Loser on NBC. I see how these men and women struggle with that too. But somehow (without Christ), they seem to be reaching beyond their fear and finding an exhilarating strength. I...me here....I have Christ! What on earth is my problem? I have more power than any of those contestants with their "self-will" because I have the Creator of the Universe working in me. And if I know that health and success in treating my body the right way are godly things, I don't fully understand my hangup in the fear of success.

Here are my brainstorming thoughts on the subject though...Successful weight loss would mean I no longer have an identity I have had for many many years. It's difficult to articulate, but once you become "the fat girl", it's hard to imagine yourself any other way. It's easy to hide behind your weight. It's an excuse to self-indulge - "I'm fat anyway...what does it matter what I eat?" It's an excuse for laziness - "I don't have a lot of energy...I'm overweight." It's an excuse for a lot of things. It becomes the focus of who you are. You see yourself through your clothing size and the food you eat. Failure to lose weight in the past becomes the excuse not to try for success in other areas of life as well. Then there is all of the masking that goes on...the attempts to make yourself and others believe that your weight doesn't bother you. But you still make those self-deprecating statements and jokes that carry negative undertones that no one really misses despite any laughter. So for me, I think all of this is mixed in there somewhere. Still so much worldly thinking that needs to be challenged and defeated with scripture. Still so many lies to overcome.

I think the best advice anyone ever gave me about discipline was "taking small steps". Making one change at a time and proving to yourself that consistency can happen. Seeing that success comes from perseverance. Drastic and extreme measures can wear out the best of intentions, but over time, one step after another can help anyone make it to their destination. Kind of like the Tortoise and the Hare. Vanity and self-reliance pumped up the arrogance of the Hare who ultimately loses, but the Hare displays the hard work and steady determination that won him the race!

So in every area I feel the effects of failure can be address by this analogy. When I realize I'm missing out on prayer and meditation of the word. Trying to implement a huge reading load and drastically changing my daily schedule to make everything about prayer and scripture may put me in the lead for a little while, but I know from past experience changes like that don't last. But a daily prayer appointment with my husband has been great. Drastically cutting out a long list of food items won't last either. But making an effort to pick healthy foods and exercise everyday can! So maybe I can't go back to bootcamp, but that may not be what I need. How do I know that people on this Biggest Loser reality show are really all that better off than they were before? Perhaps there is a better path to success...once that gives me lasting freedom from the fears and excuses I have long held onto. Somehow I think the answer lies in godly discipline.

I think rabbits are really cute, but in life...I think I'm beginning to identify more with the turtle!

Depression

I seem to find myself in an unwanted, unintended place: depressed. It's been difficult to even concede that point, but it's true. The difficulty lies in the thinking that I do not really have a good reason to be depressed. There is so much to be joyful and happy about. But therein lies my problem. I haven't been thinking about the things that are joyful and happy. My mind and my spirit have been "blah" for so long, my emotions are finally there too!

So what does a person do when he or she finds that depression has gripped the heart? Stop. Evaluate. and Plan. (or so says me!) :)

Knowing myself and the very long history I have had with mild, moderate and severe depression, I have come up with some coping and healing tools along the way to keep myself from going too far down the slippery slope of depression. If I act quickly when I begin to enter into depression, I usually pull out of it very quickly. (Note: What I'm writing here may not work for other people, especially not in cases of moderate or severe depression.) First, I have to admit that there is a problem. Very often, I am prone to passing it off as being tired, busy, ill, stressed...whatever label seems better than "depressed". But I do know the difference if I am willing to really stop in my tracks and take an assessment of what is really going on with me. My depression comes across as fatigue, emotional instability, high levels of irritability, unnamed illness, and detachment and withdrawal from otherwise stable and loving relationships. Any individual thing and I might be able to say it isn't depression, but I simply can't avoid it when they are all present simultaneously.

So what now? I ask myself "why?" and "how did I get here?". It is usually traced to my spiritual condition at the time. When I let sin run rampant in my life, all the symptoms of depression come surging in. Not always, but usually that is the case. This time? Definitely a case of detachment from the Lord. Distance arose from unrepented of pride, selfishness, idolatry, unrighteous anger, etc. The more I allowed my sin to go unrepented of, the more guilt weighed on my mind and heart. The irritability goes up and I begin to withdraw from my relationships. I begin the path of emotional instability. This heaps on more guilt - so now there is such a mixture between real and false guilt, I'm not sure where to start. To avoid dealing with it, I begin to over commit and get really busy. I talk down to myself, and find myself upset with others for little to no reason at all. I don't pray. I can't read my bible. I can't hear the Lord's voice. I don't want to be in church. I hate feeling to far from the Lord, but feel too guilty to reach out to Him. Emotionally and physically, I get exhausted! And low and behold I find myself in a deep pit of depression. Tired, weary, worn out, and wishing I could rewind time or at least just stop it for a bit.

Now on the outside, everything looks pretty normal. I know my husband and son feel like something is off, but it's pretty easy to dismiss it to something else rather than depression or a spiritual desert. People around me see me as happy and fine. Life seems just fine...But inside, I know I'm a wilted flower, browned and near lifeless.

So what's the plan? How do I get out of this? First, I take action on my sin. I pray for the Lord's help in determining the difference between real and false guilt. I attribute sin to sin and other guilty feelings to false thinking. I ask the Lord to forgive me, trusting that even when I don't "feel" forgiven, I am because the bible says so! I find encouraging verses about God's character and how He sees me as his daughter. I ask the Lord how to hedge myself protectively against going right back into those sins. What decision or thought led me into that sin in the first place? Then I decide to act differently the next time. But what seems to be most important is to begin to dwell on good things. It's hard to be depressed when you are listing your blessings and thanking the Lord for the abundant life you are leading. It's hard to feel down when you begin to see all the good things about life instead of the bad. It's hard not to be drawn to the Lord when you see his goodness, his holiness, his love, his mercy and justice. I cut out the negative media - TV, news, etc. And increase the positive inflow of media - my local Christian radio station, inspirational CD's and movies. There is still something to be said about the human application of GIGO (garbage in, garbage out).

Left to go long term, mild and short bouts of depression can lead to a much greater difficulty and even chemical imbalances. It is important that we take steps to realize when things are going "off key" and do something about it. I used to ignore these symptoms and I spent years using one therapeutic medication or method after another. Now, again, that's not to say that sometimes, some people need something other than a good introspective session or counseling, but for many of us, we just need to slow down, pay attention to what is going on and humble ourselves before the Lord.

For me, it is absolutely key to my mental and emotional state to keep my spiritual affairs in order. To deal with sin quickly and to mentally dwell on things that are good. So I leave you with this encouragement from the Word: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." - Phil 4:8. Because after all...we are transformed by the renewing of our minds. (Romans 12:2) Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks (Matt 12:34).

God bless and keep you all walking the narrow path - joyfully. May you be renewed and think on things true, noble, right and pure!

Step in the right direction

So as you've read in my other blogs, I am on a mission to finally lose the weight I have tried (and miserable failed) to lose in the past. I started this year at a whopping 236 pounds of undisciplined flesh. I was getting winded going up a few stairs and my clothes had long stopped fitting, forcing me to buy a few things just to keep myself clothed at work and what not. My heart broke whenever my playtime with my son would be cut short by lack of energy and let's not even talk about how miserable my dogs are from short walks and little playtime. Then of course, my weight was also affecting my relationship with my husband. Being tired all the time, self conscious, and entering into the depression phase, I was not exactly a joyful wife. Everyone in my family was suffering from my weight.

Watching the Biggest Loser on TV, I saw the doctor's break the horrid news each overweight person had dreaded hearing. Overweight people know they need to lose some weight, but like I've mentioned before, I think very few people understand the full effects of even a few extra pounds, much less over 100 of them, have on their health. So I began to research exactly what my weight was doing to my health. You've read the long list...it's horrid...and horrifying. I had to stop making excuses and start making better choices.

As a Christian, living in America, I think obesity is greatly overlooked in the sin category. But what it reveals (beyond the realm of medical complications not within the control of the person) is a rebellious heart. I have a rebellious heart. I have wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it regardless of the consequences. I was thinking about my desires and nothing else. I certainly wasn't thinking about my family and I pushed God far out of my picture. Rebellion, no matter what form it takes, is a lonely place to be. But this prodigal is coming home!!

The past two weeks have been great! I have exceeded my goal each week. Week one I lost five pounds. This past week, I lose another four. I have been in the gym 3 or more times each week and making sure that I move around instead of being sedentary. I have said "No" to foods I have long enjoyed for the simple fact that they are just too high in calories to consume for the time being. What has helped me in that respect is knowing that I'm not giving up something good. I'm simply saying yes to something better!!

My body is the temple of the Holy One. I still have much in need of restoration in the relationship arena, but with each choice, I know I am moving forward on the road to discipline. When I say no to TV and yes to quiet time. When I say no to junk food and yes to healthier food. When I say no to idleness and yes to my family. All these choices keep me walking in the direction I know leads to goodness. Life isn't about me, but somehow I still need to take care of me. I need to take care of this body and making good and wise choices leads to me being able to better care for my family and serve my Lord!

I love taking a step in the right direction!

Jesus Loves Me

Today I listened to a program on my local radio station that hosted a woman who so accurately mirrored my weight struggle. She was obese and had struggled with her weight all her life.

When she shared her testimony, I was so encouraged. She shared a point at which the Lord whispered to her that “[she] could be better”. No condemnation, no “down on her” because of her poor choices in the past…just encouragement that she could do something to really live. She talked about moving from compulsive overeating and idolatry to an intimacy with the Lord that invoked my envy. How I desperately need that move: from idolatry to intimacy. How I want to stop thinking, planning and making every day about food (whether it is what I eat or what I can’t eat).

I am so thankful that the Lord has begun to move in me. Today, through this program, He reminded me that no matter how much or little I weigh, His love does not change. I know that in my head…but there is part of me that I think still fails to fully embrace that truth. My performance or lack there of does not determine whether God loves me or approves of me. I really need to get that through the hardness of my heart. I know that this truth here is the key to freeing up a part of my spirit that is shackled and keeping me from being changed. God says the Truth is what sets us free…the truth changes us.

Anyway…I just thought I would share my random thoughts for the day! God loves me! Unconditionally – no matter what! God approves of me because of Jesus Christ, not because of my food choices or exercise program. I am His precious child no matter how much I weigh or what the world thinks I look like! Lord help me to keep that perspective and root out the lies that are keeping me from you! I love you so much Jesus!! Thank you for your life and your gift! You are so awesome to me!!!

On My Way...

Now that I've recognized my "suicidal" state (not the one where I am so distraught I want to end my life, but the one where I've been so lazy my life will end by the laws of physics), I have gotten on the path toward taking better care of this "temple" of mine. As it always has been, my biggest challenge is an addiction to food. I compulsively overeat and when you do that and don't exercise you end up where I did...at 236lbs and a hair shy of morbid obesity. But thankfully God's mercy has shaken things up a bit.

The truth is - I don't want to die (at least not by my own foolishness). However long my life on earth is to be, I don't want to be the one that cut it short. My life matters! I want to invest in my family and my community and do the things that I know the Lord has for me to do. But as it always seems to be with me, I take the wrong road for so long, I have a mess that needs to be cleaned up. That leaves me once again and forever indebted to the Lord for His grace. But faith without works is no faith at all. I can believe in God's forgiveness for my selfishness, laziness, idolatry, idleness, and gluttony till I'm blue in the face. My overall physical health does not benefit from a mere intellectual decision that I've been wrong and living in sin. But actual behavior changes are required.

I don't like denying myself - giving up food I have been habitually consuming for years. I don't like saying no to unhealthy foods. I like pizza, cheeseburgers, french fries and fried chicken. I like brownies, pies, ice cream and whatever else I've been eating! But I also like salads and steamed broccoli and other vegetables. I like skim milk, grilled chicken, fish, rice and whole grains. I like yogurt and sugar free pudding. I like frozen fruit bars. So making the healthier, lower calorie, lower in bad fats kind of food choices isn't all that bad! I think I just get stuck in that "I hate change" rut.

As far as the exercise front - I have always enjoyed working out. I feel great afterwards. The problem comes when I don't make time for it. This past week, I only went to the gym once, but made efforts to park farther away from my destination, take the dogs for walks, and one morning I did an intense session of walking and running the stairs at the local library. It's just about getting moving! I need to burn more calories than I consume...so movement is a must!

So for my first week of effort....what did it yield? I'm happy to report that I lost 5 pounds! So now I'm down to 231lbs. I'm 5 lbs closer to my ultimate goal of 130 lbs. One drop in the bucket closer to a healthier me!

I hope you all are off to great starts! Let's keep it up - perseverance is the key!

Silent Suicide

Like every other January as long as I can remember, I am on a “mission” to lose weight. This year is only different because my weight has never been higher than it is now. I carry an extra 106 lbs, have a BMI of just over 38 and am the closest I have ever been to “morbidly obese”. Obesity is a silent suicide I think. I read an article today that lists my risks as follows: twice as likely to die prematurely, cardiovascular disease, insulin resistance syndrome, heart attack, congestive heart failure, sudden cardiac death, angina, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, atherosclerosis (narrowing of the arteries), arterial blood clots, stroke, type 2 diabetes, cancers including endometrial, colon, gall bladder, kidney, and double the risk of post-menopausal breast cancer, liver disease, chronic venous insufficiency, gallstones, obstructive sleep apnea, and arthritis including osteoarthritis. If that were not enough, when Shea and I want to have children, I have a higher risk of death for both me and the baby. My risk of high blood pressure increases 10 fold and there is increased risk of birth defects like spina-bifida. I also have a greater chance of post-birth complications like endometrial infection, endometritis and urinary track infections. (http://www.annecollins.com/obesity/risks-of-obesity.htm)

All of this originates because I chose to overeat and not exercise. Failing to take care of myself has put my life in peril. Hence the reason I call obesity a “silent suicide”. I slowly slip away into health complications because my body has too high a fat content. I only live until my body functions are choked out by the added weight. Will it be my heart? Will it be hardened or narrow arteries? Will it be insulin problems, liver disease, or some form of cancer? What will be the final blow? I’m not sure.

What I am sure of is that millions of Americans unknowingly share my risky status. What I am sure is that many of them are “blissfully” ignorant that their lives are coming to a more rapid end than they could otherwise come to with a more sensible and healthy lifestyle. Oh they know they “need to lose weight”, but do they really understand why? Do they understand the reality of their risk? So that begs the question “What are we going to do about it?” How am I going to handle this “mission” differently than any other year so that, unlike every other year, at the end of this one, there is less of me instead of more?

I wish I had a magical answer. I wish I had an easy answer. But the truth is, it was easy to get here…all I had to be was overindulgent and lazy. It will be a much harder road back. A road that requires hard work and sacrifice, but above all, it will require disciplined endurance. If I give up at any point, I am giving a bold invitation for these life-threatening risks to grow and take over. How long will I play Russian roulette with my life? If I am the Christian woman I proclaim, then I know my life is not my own to gamble.

So as clumsy as ever, I took the first steps toward a healthier lifestyle. I am writing down everything I eat and drink and trying my best to keep track of calories and fat grams. I have a limit of 1200 calories per day. I am drinking more water and staying away from things that would blow my calorie count for the day. I went to the gym this morning and worked out for a little over an hour. I have set a goal of ultimately reaching 130 pounds with a goal of at least 2 pounds per week. That would mean that I would be close or reach my goal by year’s end. Then I enlisted the help and encouragement of people close to me – my husband and a close friend. They help me wake up and get moving and are asking me about what I eat. Perhaps…just maybe…I could start 2010 without a weight loss goal for once! One day at a time – we shall see.

What about you? Are you the average American? Overweight? Obese? Even a few extra pounds can be unhealthy. Is this going to be your year? Your month? Your week? What does your health mean to you and your family and friends? Prayerfully it means more to you than mine has to me for the past several years! God bless and keep you!