Telling Jonathan About the Baby

I had to make this a separate little note because Jonathan is just so precious. Shortly after Shea and I got married, Jonathan began asking for a little brother. Sometimes, he asked for two. As time went on, his pleas were even more desperate..."When can I have a little brother OR a sister?" Bless his heart, he just didn't want to be an only child anymore. He wanted a sibling! Our answer to him was always to pray. God is the giver of such blessings and we had limited (much more than originally thought) control over the when and how of our family being expanded.

So Jonathan did pray. He prayed all the time. For weeks and months, it seemed almost daily, he asked "Do we have a baby yet?" During an altar call at church, Jonathan went forward, but not to pray for salvation. He told Pastor Chris he wanted to pray for babies. Needless to say, I had some explaining to do on that one.

But Jonathan kept praying and kept asking. Years have gone by and we had continued to tell him to pray with our answer always being "not yet". So when my pregnancy test came back, unexpectedly, "pregnant", I had to smile at God's tender answer to a little boy's heart felt prayer over the past several years.

I waited until that Friday evening to share the news with my husband and then we sat Jonathan down to tell him the news. Reminding Jonathan of his many prayers, we told him "We're having a baby!" Jumping to his feet with a squeal he shouted, "FINALLY! It has taken FOREVER!" What an amazing thing to see. Even though Jonathan is not saved yet, I see how God is tenderly wooing his strong-willed, independent heart. It fuels my own heart to continue praying and more fervently pray, for his salvation. Wish I would have video-taped the breaking of the news to Jonathan, but hopefully this little online footprint will serve to remind us what a precious moment this was for prayer to be answered!

Life!

I think it humorous now that I had such a concrete, logical plan for our family expansion that surely this was what God wanted. Next year, Shea and I would begin the process of adopting a child through the foster care system. We would get a little boy about 5-7 years old. It would keep me working for a little while longer while we completed the process of getting out of debt. It would also give Jonathan the little brother he has been praying for ever since Shea and I got married. And all the pieces would just fit together so well.

HA!

I think God must get a huge laugh when I get my mind fixed on some plan I have. "Many are the plans in a mans heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21 Our family was such a plan. My husband and I had many plans in our hearts. I so desperately wanted to stay at home and be just a wife and mother. My husband has career and financial goals. We both are so eager to get to the other side of our debt mountain and see it cleared once and for all. We thought having six children sounded delightfully challenging and wonderful all at the same time. We are truly big dreamers, he and I! Perhaps that is one reason we go so well together. Yet, the truth of scripture prevails. Regardless of our plans, God had His own purpose and plan in place and once again...it didn't match ours!

Friday, September 2nd, I finally couldn't wait any longer for the inevitable monthly cycle to start. I was several days late at this point...something was going on. At 12:30am I woke up and couldn't help myself...it was morning, let's take a pregnancy test! I watched rather nervously as the hourglass on the digital display went round and round, letting me know the test was working. Within what seemed like - I don't know ETERNITY - the reading popped up "PREGNANT". I was expecting to be scared and anxious and I don't know what. Instead, I felt like a giggly school-girl. A huge smile came across my face and I was happy! I was more than happy! I was ecstatic! Which, honestly, didn't make a lick of sense. How in the world were we going to afford a baby? We had at least 18 more months worth of debt to settle!

So thus begins our journey of ditching the plans and seeing what God has in store for us instead. Our heart convictions remain. I belong at home with our children, taking care of our home. My husband is and will continue to be an amazing provider. As far as the debt, God help us, enough of the mountain will be scaled and conquered by the time this baby comes, that we will continue to pay our bills without issue. At this point, we are just taking a day at a time and praying that God would lead us through this new and exciting chapter of our lives!

Waiting on You Lord.

It feels like a lifetime has passed since I was last able to sit down and write my heart. Rather than write some lesson learned, I wanted to put down my aching prayer. It is a lesson I certainly NEED to learn, prayerfully AM learning, but no, admittedly NOT YET learned.

Lord, I need you to rescue me. Someone on the radio sings those words and the song plays over in my head. I really and truly need you to rescue me. Whenever my faith gets super, duper weak, my thinking is all muddled and my fleshly heart starts to run the show - tossing me this way and that with every whim of emotion. I am in such rebellion Lord. So many un-repented of sins. My heart is so hard and I can feel it. I know it. Stubbornness that almost dares you to discipline me. Beneath it, I'm waiting for you to stop loving me, I guess. Like I somehow earned your love before now with my "good behavior". HA! Intellectually, I know that to be a big fat falsehood...but deep down...where no one sees but you...there is a part of me still unconvinced you really love me...just because.

Why does it keep coming back to that? I know it isn't true...but somehow this is where we end up. Me in utter disobedience, daring you to walk away like everyone else in my life. Trying to show you what a waste of goodness you would spend on me. Then there is my propensity to wallow in analytical stagnation over every problem that comes my way. It seems I never get past the analysis to a solution for whatever the ailment. Fear, laziness...? I am unsure of exactly what plagues me each time, but whatever the issue...I run in unproductive circles.

So here I am Lord. YOUR beautiful mess. Give me eyes to see how you see. A heart that thinks and wants what you think and want. Make me over, make me new...another song running in my head. Whatever you do Lord, please, once again, I beg you not to give up on me...to help me become all that you've dreamed for your little girl. Grow me up into the likeness of your Son and please...please don't leave me to my own devices...we've both seen how tragic those can be.

I love you Lord. My Alpha, Omega, beginning and end...I sure could use a word so you can be my "middle" too! ;) My Savior and Friend...my Provider and Counselor. And my sweet Heavenly Father.

Thank you for claiming me...please help me stop running away.

Rescue Me

I have had my faith shaken a time or two and in some serious ways...ways in which it could have been the end of being a Christian. Yet, somehow, the Lord managed to lead me away from the edge of the cliff before the plunge and my faith was stronger than ever.

I feel like I am on that edge again.

Peering down, I see the hopelessness of circumstances beyond my control to change. I see no path to the places for which God has put such strong desires in my heart. It feels like I'm stuck and to boot, I'm wallowing in sin. Somehow my desire to not sin seems to wane with every passing day. Every failure compounds the guilt and makes it heavier. Every day that passes without so much as one seemingly small success in the areas I continue to struggle just keeps reinforcing this notion that "there just isn't any point to this". Sure, I tell myself all the pretty bible verses that used to give me hope and inspiration, but what was once life-giving seems to heap hot coals of condemnation on my already heavy-laden head. What once held such optimism for a "new day" now wakes me up with a deep, gnawing sense of pessimism.

What does one do at this point? Do I jump off the edge, leaving behind all that has held me safe and secure? Do I give up all that has brought peace and sense to life? When faith stops working, should that faith be discarded - even with no alternative in sight?

The answer is a resounding NO.

I may not know where I'm going anymore or how I'll get there. I may not see hope in the midst of these circumstances. I may feel lost and abandoned by the One who promised He would never leave nor forsake me. It may even be that I no longer see a resemblance between me and what I thought a Christian should at least sort of look like. But the very definition of faith rests not in what I feel, what I know, or what I can see. It rests in Him. It is choosing to live as though the bible were true, regardless of circumstances, emotions or cultural trends. Even if all I have left is barely the will to choose it.

I don't know how to get myself off the cliff. So rather than try to rescue myself from yet another awful blunder, I will simply wait to be rescued. I don't know how to "seek Him" right now. I don't know how to "give my heart" over to Him right now. I don't even think I know where to start when it comes to repenting right now. The pit is just too deep.

So Lord, although the list seems endless for the ways in which I have rebelled and tried to do life on my own in my own way, I've realized - YET AGAIN - that that doesn't work and I have fallen pretty badly. All I have done is sin against you day in and day out. I got prideful in my moments of "spirituality" and took credit for righteousness not my own, only to end up here. In a place of despair with a horrible record player of condemnation playing in my head every minute of every day. My thoughts are so awful and somehow my faith has been shaken to the very core. I've lost sight of you Beloved. I don't know how to find my way back to you. Please rescue me. Please come find me on my cliff of insanity and walk me down. Walk me back to the place where order still exists, where hope abounds and love heals. The place where I belong - with You. I'm waiting Lord. I'm waiting right here for you to rescue me.

People Over Stuff

Philippians 2:4 "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourself, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others."

So it's 4am and I can't sleep. I woke up with a stiff neck and for some odd reason began to think and pray about some things God has recently put on my heart. I am a stiff-necked person! And it's not just a literal thing, it's also a spiritual thing. God called his children 'stiff-necked' on more than a few occasions because they kept falling into disobedience. As His child, oh how I am prone to disobedience!

Recently, it's been about people. I have been taking stock in all of my relationships. My husband and son mean the world to me. Yet, ashamedly, I find myself putting more energy into stuff than these people whom I say I love. I worry over the endless household chores to be done. I complain about my endless "to do" list. After my "to do list", I focus on entertaining myself with online games, books, movies and whatever seems to be my mode of "relaxation" for that day. I consider myself, my needs, my wants, my....my....my....you get the picture. Unadulterated selfishness!

So...what is there to do about selfishness? Two words - Kill it. Crucifying the flesh is a common new-testament encouragement by the apostle Paul. When dealing with sin, there is no other answer than to crucify it - put it on the cross with Jesus Christ and die to self. Oh...easy in concept...not so easy in real life.

In the last week, God has reminded me that my ministry is my husband, to whom I am to give respect and attention. Words that come so easily to my tongue must be tamed to only build him up and not tear him down - do I think before I speak? Saying "I love you" should not be just words though. My attitude should not convey annoyance or irritation, but joy and gratitude for all he brings to my life - prompting me to serve him with a happy heart instead of complaining. My ministry is my son. This precious child needs me to stop what I'm doing, leave the chores for another time, and NOT do the things I'd like to do, in order that I may show him what God is really like - available, unconditional in love and absolutely crazy about him. The TV, games, and other activities should be ways to bring us together - not serve as ways to "babysit" him while I "get things done". Another part of my ministry is the neighborhood children God has placed in our lives. Desperate for love and attention and truth, ministry means inviting them in when it's less than convenient for me. It means showing kindness and hospitality even if that equals ratcheting up the level of chaos that already exists in our house that day. It means cooking some extra food and not caring whether or not the house is in order when they stop by or when they leave. It also means skipping out on the pedicure I've been "dying to get for months and months" so that I don't miss out on the opportunity to feed and witness to the homeless man on the corner...how I desperately wish I had crucified my flesh on that note.

Jesus poured out his life for people, not stuff. He poured his energy into serving His father regardless of the cost. How heart-wrenching to see my life has been poured out more-so for stuff than for people. Missed opportunities will be cause for tears at the end of this life. Yet, while I have breath, there is time for now. There is time for learning and crucifying this wicked flesh. Today, I have life to spend here on this earth. Today, I can choose people over stuff and pour out what Jesus has given to me...His life.

Even at 4am, I am praying that today I will do just that. When my husband awakes, may my tongue greet him with joy. When my son awakes, may my actions speak God's love for Him. When I spend my moments today, may they be in service for each and every person who crosses my path. May each person see a glimpse of Jesus Christ today when they encounter me. May I set aside my schedule, my agenda, my "to do" list, so that intentionality for His work and His people becomes my focus.

Lord, please grant me your grace and crucify my flesh. May the pain and inconvenience of it all be pleasing to your heart and a blessing to your wonderfully and fearfully made people whom I am privileged to meet today.

Whirlwind

Have you ever been swept off your feet by the Lord? That's what it feels like for me this week. Undeserving and unsuspecting that I would be plucked from my comfort zone and taken for an incredible ride, witnessing God's work from the front lines of the battlefield.

Yet, there I was. Unprepared in so many ways and certainly not expecting to receive the war call. But it came and by His grace I answered. He took me to my neighbors house as she struggled to even find value in the next breath she drew in, wrenched with deep and searing family pain. He took me to another neighbor's house to share the deception of a false gospel. He confronted false teachers with the truth of their lies. He comforted children facing chaos and fear.

When the whirlwind slowed, I was revitalized in a way I can barely describe. Matthew 28:19-20 says, "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." In our kids ministry, we've been talking about Nehemiah. His passion for the people and for the mission God gave him along with the current events in my own life has given me a sense of duty - a call if you will. I have a piece of the wall to protect. My home, my neighborhood is a piece of the wall. If I will answer the call to simply surrender to His will and plan for all He has in the works, then I get a glimpse of His glory! That is an incredible prize to say the least!

So God has lit a fire of faith in me. It's hard to imagine that I've left the walls of my neighborhood broken down for so long...rarely sharing with a neighbor and I can't recall one time when I've taken the gospel door to door. I have put up fliers for a prayer hotline (via email), but that was it. A prayer box in the front office received the occasional prayer request, but went by the wayside. So now, people on a mission with false gospels in various forms have taken to knocking on my neighbors' doors. They're spending time, money and effort to share lies with my neighbors. What am I going to do? Am I willing to defend my piece of the wall from the wolves? Am I willing to stand post, sacrifice a little to make sure His Name is proclaimed and people have the chance at eternal life?

Yet, I'm admitting fear. I'm scared at what this will bring. I am prone to major failures following "spiritual highs" like this. And when you're in the Lord's army, you become a target for the enemy. I can literally feel the crosshairs on me. I'm also acutely aware of my flesh. I am a depraved person with a fallen nature that more often than not gets the better of me. It's only by His grace I can manage any sense of goodness. I'm scared for what that means. My friends have given accolades in abundance for these recent victories. People are applauding me. And I feel it...that demon of pride lurking in the shadows of my heart, ready to rear its ugly head and take the glory for what God has done through me. It's awful.

But my hope goes back to Psalm 91:

¹ He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. ^a]">[a]

² I will say ^b]">[b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

³ Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

¹⁰ then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

¹³ You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

¹⁵ He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

¹⁶ With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

But my hope goes back to Psalm 91: It's in His protective arms that I can find refuge and rest. And when I'm weary from the battle, it's Christ in whom I find comfort and solace. He bids me "come". And I can only keep begging for humility in the midst of showers of praise. I can only ask that He keep me acutely aware of my own shortcomings and inadequacies. My constant prayer...please Lord, let me decrease that You might increase. Protect me from the enemy prowling about and protect me from the enemy within.

Everything I'll Ever Need

I have not always been one to praise in the good times. I would certainly love to be that person who is so grateful in the midst of those times when everything is going right. But alas, I have a sin nature like the rest of us and I tend to be a bit more self-centered during the good times. So truthfully, I am grateful that the Lord allows "bad" things to happen so that I am more conscientious of my utter dependency on Him. In the weeks since my husband lost his job, I have found myself much more grateful than when everything was going according to MY plan. I have been grateful for our apartment - it is home after all. I have been grateful each week when we pay our bills that somehow the money pays them all and thus far, not one has been paid late. I have been grateful for my family and the food we eat. I'm grateful that the Lord shows me each and every day how well HE takes care of us.

God has really shown His tenderness and mercy toward us. He's provided for our bills (not all of which I consider needs...there is still considerable debt to paid). He's made it so we can continue our healthcare. He's blessed our efforts to minimize, conserve, and sell. He's even thrown in a gift from a person who bought our freezer. He has made it impossible for me not to see how worthy He is of my trust and adoration. He's taking care of us each and every day! We have nothing to worry about.

It wasn't very many years ago when God lovingly taught me about who He was as my Father. Not ever having had an example of an earthly father who took exceptional care of me, it was more than difficult to believe an intangible God could be one. But day after day, He would speak to my heart and show me how He was my Father. He would hold me when I cried my heart out over not having a husband. He would soothe my loneliness. He would send people who fixed my car, brought me groceries, and babysat my son. He provided a generous and flexible employer who was more than understanding about the demands of single parenting and sick kids. He made sure we could see doctors when we needed to. He made sure that friends were there to laugh with me, cry with me, get angry with me and even the best of friends who were sent to tell me the truth that sometimes I didn't want to hear. It wasn't a period of time that held nothing but perfection, but God did perfectly orchestrate life to win my heart. After about a year and a half of His patient and loving pursuit, I came to see Him as my wonderful, perfect, and everlasting Father. I knew I could trust Him and that He would always take care of me.

So now, in the midst of times when I don't know what tomorrow will hold, I know that it doesn't really matter what tomorrow brings. I have Him. Therefore, I have everything I'll ever need.

Speaking the Truth in Love

I find myself pondering the various Christian examples I have just witnessed on a show called Trading Spouses. The premise of the show - two families who are rather opposite, swap mothers for a week and at the end of the week each mom decides how $50,000 is spent on her surrogate family.

I have not been so disgusted with another person professing Christ in such a horrifying way in all my life. I watched one woman remain so rigid in her ways that she couldn't see the person as a created being with any value because she was too busy telling them how badly they "need religion" in their lives. (Those were her words.) She couldn't appreciate the person for who they were at all. Granted, we ought to be urgent in sharing Christ with the lost, but to make it so solemn and joyless - so rigid and lifeless of a thing, is it any wonder the person was less than receptive. Had the woman caught in adultery been brought to one of these women, they wouldn't have asked the crowd "the one with no sin be the first to cast a stone". These women would have been the first to pick up the stones and cast them "to set the example". It was horrifying to watch the opportunities to share the love of Christ, to share with these lost and dying people the reality of their desperate need for Him, to show them service and kindness and unconditional love....these women wasted it on rigid religiousness. They had mannerism the Pharisees would have been proud of.

To think that people who watch that show regularly get that kind of impression about Christian broke my heart too. Much of our culture thinks that winsome and Christianity are antonyms and not synonymous with each other at all. When someone welcomed Christ into their home, He wasn't ready to beat down each family member for their lack of faith. He joined them, taught them, ate with them, met them where they were.

Why do we not follow his example? Yes, the religiously proud hypocrites may need rebuking, but we must first ensure the Lord has shaped us to give that rebuke - that our hearts are humble and not proud. Otherwise, the condescension reveals our own wickedness rather clearly. God help us to maintain humility and see others with His sense of compassion and kindness. May we truly speak the truth in love and not just find reason to speak.

Irony

I am really struggling this week with anger, bitterness, an unforgiving heart, pride, and unbelief. All of it points to a huge lack of faith. I know the Lord is shaping my character through our recent trials, but I seem to be a less-then-teachable student in the last few days. I am having such a hard time with communication and it seems every time I stop to think about how to best communicate, I get so angry, I have to start all over and bite my tongue.

In a seeming contradiction to this struggle is a swell of gratitude in my heart for the Lord's presence. I can feel Him almost every bit of every day. His arms hold me so tight sometimes. I pray the hardness of my heart would soften under this touch. Listening to Beautiful Beautiful by Francesca Battistelli makes me think of how undeserving of His grace I really am, and that despite that still - He pours it out over me and I am so overwhelmed with His work in me. How can He be so tender?

OUR ADOPTION STORY

So just this past Friday, our family appeared in court to finalize the adoption of Jonathan. It's now official, Shea is Jonathan's daddy!

This carries so much emotional weight - much of which I didn't expect. We have been working through this process of paperwork, a home study, and waiting for so long, that the sudden arrival of the day gave me very little time to mentally and emotionally process this event before it happened - REALLY happened. But there we were on Friday morning - up at the court house. We were surrounded by a few of our precious friends: Melissa Williams and her three children (Drew, Gabe and baby Abby), Tandi Dawson and her daughter Serenity, and some folks from our church (Chris Norman and Kathy Dickinson). We stood before the judge, testifying what our wishes were and that we felt this was in Jonathan's best interests. Then he affirmed it and it became official - Shea was now Jonathan's dad! Our whole family is now the Wright family. No more blended family or different last names. We were even told we would be issued a new birth certificate that would list Shea as the father! How cool is that! :D

Afterward, the court gave Jonathan a stuffed toy - he picked a little dog. Shea and Jonathan donned their father and son Longhorns hats (embroidered for the occasion). And we snapped pictures! Then we went out to eat. It wasn't the big party we were hoping for, but we had to keep it cheap (that whole job-loss thing is still looming over our finances). But we enjoyed a family meal together and it was great!

As I headed back to work, I thought about something so special to me. God took something ugly and turned it into something beautiful. Part of me is angry that my son's biological father has abandoned him these last few years. Over time, he just quit seeing him. He acted as if being a parent only happens when it's convenient, which - for him - it never was convenient. (Parenting just isn't convenient - not for anyone!) In my heart, I believe the whole termination of rights / adoption thing for him was just about money. His actions were never all that "noble" when it came to Jonathan, so I hardly buy into the notion he really thought about Jonathan and what he needed. If he had thought that way, perhaps he would have been a father who was there instead of always having an excuse for not showing up.

It was ugly. It's just one of those ugly things in life. I made a horrible choice when I had sex outside of marriage. But God turned it into something so beautiful when he gave me my son. We had an ugly situation of a broken home and the whole "blended family" thing, and once again, God turned it into something beautiful when he answered our prayers.

Did I pray for my son's father to abandon him or reject him? Absolutely not! When my heart stirred with grave concern over the fact that if something happened to me, Jonathan's whole life would turn upside down, I began to think about adoption. If I died, Jonathan would not only have lost me, but he would also lose Shea, his home, his school and everything good and familiar to him. He'd be sent to a man who has demonstrated time and time again that Jonathan is too much of an inconvenience to him and his life. Oh how my heart weighed down so heavily at that thought. So Shea and I prayed about whether or not to approach Robert about terminating his rights so Shea could adopt him. Robert had brought it up a year or so before that, but the conversation stopped when I asked him why he wanted to end the relationship with his son. Would it be the right thing to pursue this ourselves?

As we prayed, we really felt no peace about pursuing the legal action. We concluded that we could not pursue shutting the door on this relationship. Whatever happened or didn't happen, we needed to leave it in God's hands and not take it into our own hands. Yet still, I was disturbed by the conflict of impressions on my heart and kept praying for God to help me resolve it. Why the burden to protect my son from the possible upheaval and yet no reasonable way to do so that God seemed to be in favor of? Then came the text message...

Yes, a text message. I received the text from Robert asking about termination and adoption. It opened up a conversation and this time, he wasn't really asking so much as he was telling me that's what he was going to do. He had met with an attorney and offered to pay for the entire process. So he did. He payed for it all - the court costs, the attorney fees, the home study - everything. It made me cry to think that money was so much more important to this man than his son, and that he was really going to sever the relationship forever. But I couldn't change Robert. And in the end, I simply saw this as God's answer to our prayers.

While Jonathan will still have to work through this issue at varying points throughout his lifetime, I know in my heart without a doubt, this was the right thing to do for him. I wonder about how this will affect Jonathan's testimony in life. Shea and I want to adopt other children and I wonder how Jonathan will be able to comfort and identify with those children because of this event. I wonder how God will use this to draw Jonathan to Himself. After all, each of us as believers are adopted by Him. How will God use this in our lives (Shea and me)?

It's amazing to think of the endless possibilities, but alas - we'll just have to wait and see how the story goes. This is our next chapter and we're excited at how the Lord has worked it so far. He really is a God who can make beauty rise from ashes! Thank you Lord for your Sovereignty and Wonderful works! I pray that you'll use this to draw each and every one of us closer to you!