Stress

With my stress level having hit the roof and then beyond in the past few days, I am reminded of exactly why the Lord commands us to keep the Sabbath Holy! I think so many Christians think of the Sabbath as an outdated command or 'too Jewish' or something too insignificant for heartfelt obedience. But NOTHING in God's word was ever given to us without reason...each word was penned just for us as an investment of His love and care for each of us. And that means Deuteronomy 5:12-15

"Observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy, as the LORD your God has commanded you. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your ox, your donkey or any of your animals, nor the alien within your gates, so that your manservant and maidservant may rest, as you do. Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the LORD your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the LORD your God has commanded you to observe the Sabbath day."

What a picture the Lord has given us here...First, a picture of urgence toward not being lazy. SIX days you shall labor and do ALL your work. But next, a picture of rest..."the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord and NO ONE does ANY work. Why? Because God wants us to remember that we have been freed from slavery. He's reminding His children that not so long ago, they were slaves in Egypt and because of His mighty hand of redemption, they have been freed! THAT's why we are commanded to observe the Sabbath day as a Holy day.

While of course it is still important to commune with our Lord daily, one day a week is a special day set aside for rejuvenation. The importance of this command has become so apparent to me in the last couple of weeks because I haven't taken much of a break from my full time job, my part time job, and the job of moving and arranging our new home. I'm not sleeping much and I'm putting everything I have into each and every waking hour. Busy, busy, busy, busy. For the short run, I was fine with that pace, even driven. But it was a sprint and I had forgotten life is a marathon. In the past couple of days I have crashed pretty hard because I was trying to keep up my sprinting. My attitude is awful and my communing with the Lord is next to nothing. That has meant the life has drained right on out of me and fast!

So this morning, the Lord reminded me that there is a reason for His commands and it's not just for the sake of obedience. My "busy, busy, busyness" is slavery. But....His mighty hand has freed me from slavery! So as a means of reminding myself of that...as a means of praising Him for my freedom...and as a means of rejuvenating my mind, body and spirit...I ought to keep the Sabbath Holy! Now, I'm not saying I know whether that day should be Saturday or Sunday or some other day, but I know in my heart that setting aside one day a week is a command I can't overlook because it is one of the many ways in which God breathes His life into me!

What about you? Are you feeling stressed about anything? Have you kept the Sabbath Holy? Perhaps you too could benefit from being reminded that busyness is slavery and God has provided the means of freedom! :D God bless you and keep you rejuvenated!

The Comfort of The Call

So much has been rattling around in my head lately that no one blog has come to fruition, but yesterday a clear message penetrated my heart. I thought that message was definitely worth sharing.

From at least three angles (probably more), the Lord has been teaching me about grace: counseling, corporate worship and small group bible study. In counseling, Shea and I have been working through the issues of marriage and seeking to understand and apply God's principles to make our marriage successful and God-honoring. In Corporate worship, our pastor is leading us in a series through Ephesians called "marriage-ability" (http://www.firsteuless.com/ if you want to check it out) which is all about what makes marriage and life work. In small group, we have been studying through the book of Judges. What an amazing picture of God's grace there! And overall, God's theme for me this year has been grace! As my counselor puts it, there is "The Call" (to obedience) and "The Comfort" (grace for our failure at obedience). Yesterday I found The comfort of the call in Hebrews chapter 4 and I wanted to share how it pierced my heart.

Hebrews 4:12-16 "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account."

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Let's start with the latter portion of that passage. I have realized this year, with much dismay, that so many of my life's struggles are simply a disconnection to the empowerment of God's grace in my life. The enemy deceives me so easily that I am alone in my afflictions and that God is not concerned with such small matters as a meal, a hormonal imbalance, troubling thoughts or fears. But God is concerned. "For I do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with my weaknesses." So in my weakness, where do I turn? I admit I often turn away from God. With my weight, I've turned to trends, programs and techniques. I've turned to studies and man's data. I tack on a prayer at the end of "help me", but I know deep down I keep taking this up as something I do on my own. But in every struggle...there is a promise of God's tender care "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." I don't have to do this alone. I also don't have to cower in a corner and cry for help from afar...I can approach the throne with confidence! I can take my wayward thoughts, my tumultuous emotions, my bad attitudes and entrapping habits and lay them at the feet of a Father who cares so deeply for me that I cannot begin to fathom the depth of that love!

But what is grace for? See, rules I understand...laws I get, but intellect has failed me in the practical application of life! Knowing God's laws has not brought me one step closer to success. In fact, laws in and of themselves, have only heaped burning coals of guilt on my head! I hate that! I can't win a race I'm told to win. But that is where grace steps in. I used to think that grace was merely dispensed to cover over my next failure and my next and my next and my next. But in the first part of this particular passage, God is calling us to a standard and reminding us that nothing is hidden. His word reveals our depravity and we are (whether we want to be or acknowledge to be) absolutely naked and vulnerable to the core of our beings. What does a person do with that knowledge? Nothing, absolutely nothing, is hidden from His sight.

It has been intimidating and oppressive to think that I had to bring my filthy sins before this beautiful and perfect Redeemer, but I had my picture all wrong! This beautiful and perfect Redeemer was not one who couldn't or didn't understand me or the plights I endured. He was one who intimately understood my feelings of rejection, sadness, and abandonment. I know he even understands my lack of trust and security which translates into my fearing so many things. With such a tender God, why do I find it so difficult to rest in His grace? I can find grace to help me in every time of need. And that is the power I have been missing!

My son likes to walk along of a particular patch of lawn at our church. It is landscaped with huge rocks all around the edges; he steps from one rock to the next, usually counting each rock as he goes. Yesterday, as we walked past the rocks and he jumped up to do his usual stroll, he struggled a bit, but like always, I reached for him and as he grabbed hold of my hand, his gait steadied and walking the otherwise treacherous terrain was rather easy. THAT was my picture of God's grace.

We all walk treacherous terrain in this life. We may not always realize how treacherous, but it is. And rather than being left alone to climb the rocks of life, stepping from one to the next, hoping the rock doesn't shift beneath us and cause us to fall, we have a steady Hand to grasp! We have a Creator who is walking with us. Through the Son, we can grab that hand of the Father and walk with confidence and assurance that the terrain of life will not get the best of us.

So the core of the message today is that obedience and grace go hand in hand. Before, I saw God hand as obedience and mine as grasping for grace (and not always successful), but now I understand that my hand is obedience and God's strong, supportive, never-let-go hand is His all sufficient, never failing grace! Do we not serve an absolutely amazing God? Wow....

Perseverance and Endurance

So I figured I would post an update on some things going on in my life.

1) WEIGHT LOSS JOURNEY

I accepted a friend's challenge to lose 20lbs for $20 in late September. Weighing in at 240 lbs on September 25th, this was my highest weight since being in my final months of pregnancy. I have struggled for years and I thought perhaps this was really the time I would change. But it has been so discouraging to have seen this yo-yo effect on the scale each week. Week 1 - down 4 lbs. Week two - gain 1 lb. Week three - down 2 lbs. Week four - gain 3 lbs. That 3 lbs weight gain really got to me. I really wanted to quit. I felt like all of my efforts had been for nothing. A whole month had passed and I was at 238? Why? I had been watching what I ate, going to gym, drinking water, and trying to ensure I got enough rest each night. I put my scale in the cabinet declaring I wouldn't take it out again until December 4th. (The end of the challenge.)

But I knew better than to say thing like that. I was angry and hurt and discouraged. The circumstances shook my faith and I found myself looking at the problem instead of the solution. Perseverance and endurance are heralded in the bible...but those character traits are not ones you just wake up with one day. They are character traits that God builds in a person willing to keep getting back up, dusting off and trying again. If I know that losing weight is about taking care of my body in honor of the Lord that gave me life, then the scale is not my dictator of what is or isn't success. Granted, getting to a healthy weight is important for health reasons, but I realized that I can't ride the emotional roller coaster aligned with the up and down scale results.

So this week, I lost 4 lbs. Go figure. I didn't even watch what I ate until Wednesday. I didn't go to the gym at all and I lose 4 lbs. But, I have decided to go back to the low-carb eating plan my doctor recommended a while back. With my family history of diabetes and the fact that my usual diet is predominantly carbs, it was something I could see benefiting me. I followed the Atkins plan several years ago and lost 25 lbs, so I know it works. Keeping to it stinks though because I LOVE my carbs! lol But oh well. I can do without pasta in every dinner. All my carbs now come from vegetables for now. I'll add some whole grains back in down the road, but for now, I'm retraining my body and mind to run on fuel rather than desire! I have 5 more weigh-ins and 16 lbs to lose to meet the challenge. I don't know if I can lose that much weight, but in the end, I have a lot more than 20 lbs to lose...so it's about the long term journey!

2) GRACE

I think my weight-loss journey has taught me a lot about grace. Yet, there are so many other things God has brought in and out of each day to teach me about His unconditional love and the motivation His sacrifice brings to my life. My husband is a wonderful instrument of His grace and so is my son. I can think of so many things I've done that warrants my family's anger and not their love, yet I wake up to a caring, warm and very loving family each and every day. My husband helps around the house by doing the dishes and helping with the laundry. He is getting our son ready for school each day, packing his lunch and taking him. He encourages me and always ensures that I know how much he loves me. My son is tender and sweet and writes these notes and puts them in envelopes. He draws pictures of just me and him with hearts. His hugs and kisses are so precious to me. He sure does love his mama! Even my dogs, with their slobbery kisses and happy tails wagging remind me that I am loved. To think that sin once held me in permanent death, but now I have the freedom to be propelled by the love of my Heavenly Father and am surrounded by evidences of His fingerprints in my world is simple indescribable.

In the end, what does that mean though? Grace is a motivator. My counselor talks about a passage in Romans that is the "comfort" and the "call". I have historically been great with the "call". I get rules and regulations and "have to's" and "ought to's" and "should's". But I have rarely understood "I get to..." in the context of a grace-motivated relationship. So I've taken some wonderful moments and here is my process:

A) I receive grace - be it from God, from my family or friends....

B) I deny selfishness - because that keeps me complacent

C) I chose a means of extending love - to my husband, my son, co-workers, friends...

D) I receive more grace

What I've learned is that this process reflects similarities to my weight-loss journey. It's three steps forward, two steps back. I will always receive more grace from the Lord than I give out, but when I try (and fall short), I progress. It might be slow and sometimes discouraging, but in the end....I'm seeing change slowly develop over time. Comes back to that character development. Perseverance and endurance. I can live by faith when I realize that I am loved apart from my performance and what I do becomes an outpouring of the character the Lord has developed and is developing!

So anyway...sorry for the long-winded update. Hopefully you are blessed to remember that life is a journey...along a winding road that almost seems to double-back sometimes. But it's important that we not forget Who authored the journey and that "now" is just one small spot on the road. Whatever you're facing...whatever the challenge or discouragement is in your life, there is a bigger picture to keep in mind. You can let Him pick you up, dust you off, and you can try again.

Giving Up...or Not

This morning proved to be very discouraging. Awoke with some nervousness about the weigh-in because I had not been to the gym my usual 4 times this week. This is week four of my challenge. In that time, I have only lost 5 pounds so far. I wanted to lose 3 this week; however, I doubted I would drop that many pounds because I had not worked out as hard as I have been. I still do not think I was prepared to see the number the scale though....

THREE POUNDS...I GAINED THREE POUNDS!!!

How in the world? That leaves me a month in and 6 weeks to lose 18 pounds (to successfully complete my 20lbs/$20 challenge). I feel so very discouraged. I hate that I have somehow allowed myself to get as overweight as I am. I have 103 pounds to lose to reach my ultimate target, but man...I can't even get the first 20 lbs off me!

Now, I'm trying not to stay in this discouragement. I heard a sermon this morning that reminded me that as a believer, it would be foolish to stay down. Defeat is not part of my born-again character. But how do I apply that? How do I get up once again, dust myself off and face this challenge head on? I don't know.

I do know that I have decided to put the scale away. I seriously hate that it has become a focal point for me in this journey. The focal point should be the Lord. So I'm refusing to weigh myself until December 4th. And if by the Lord's grace my choices of food and exercise result in success, great! If not, I have to keep coming back to the drawing board to figure out why.

So there you have it. Not much in the positive, uplifting category today, but I guess in the end, I'm really not giving up. Just whining a bit before I stand up, dust myself off, and try again.

Frustration

I am a bit frustrated. I have been "chewing" on this concept of grace and reflecting on the fact that I do not experience it the way I believe believers should experience grace! God has given me this undeserved, eternal, and unbelievable gift of life and relationship with Him. How does that not motivate me to live and walk in His unconditional love? Instead, I find myself trapped all too often in performance and legalistic adherence to rules.

What is it that I am holding to that is preventing me from moving under this umbrella of perfect love? I see it as the motivation to serve out of love and adoration rather than fear of condemnation. I see it as the motivation to obey out of love, not to avoid punishment or negative consequences. I see it as the power that changes me from the inside out... or perhaps I am at least trying to see it that way.

It seems this endeavor of mine to experience grace is rubbing against my idea of faith being about what I know rather than what I feel or experience. Experiencing grace, though, seems to be the concept of practical application of what I know to be true in the scriptures. Yet, here I am, knowing what I know to be true and STILL not experiencing grace. What am I missing?

Father, I am sorry that in so many ways, I am proud. Seeking to be self-sufficient....as if I can get some kind of handout from you and go on with life in my own strength. I cannot. You give me the very breath my lungs take in. You contract the very chambers of my heart that keep my body going. You created this day before me and orchestrated all the details of people, places and things in my life. Trouble gets sifted through your fingers in such a way that my depraved heart is molded and transformed into your likeness. I am sorry that I fail to see you in the light of Truth...how magnificent, majestic, mighty, and marvelous you are! I am sorry that the love you have extended me through Your Son is lost on this wretch of a woman that I am. Please open the eyes of my heart. Humble me and show me what it means to really and truly experience your grace in such a way my heart and life are radically changed. Whatever it takes to pry the deceit from this wretched sinner! Make me like your Son, Lord.

By His Grace...my weight loss journey

I think I've suffered writer's block for a while. So much has been going on lately, much of which could have written here, but I just couldn't seem to get it out! But today's topic I think will come out just fine: my weight-loss journey update.

If you've read my blog before (say...any time in the past couple of years), then you know this has been a battle I have faced my entire adult life. When I graduated high school, I was overweight, but lost 35 pounds in Marine Corps boot camp. I loved it! I weighed 136lbs, wore a size 7, and felt strong, confident and healthy! However, over the past 13 years, I have steadily gained weight each and every year. After leaving the Marine Corp, I packed on over 30 lbs in my first year in Texas. By 2002, I weighed in at 192 with little impact from occasional dieting. Then I got pregnant with my son and gained another 60 pounds during my pregnancy. Thankfully I lost all of that pregnancy weight within 6 months of giving birth, but that still put me at about 195. Then I went back to gaining weight each and every year - topping out at 240 lbs.

In the past few years, I have tried almost everything out there: Weight Watchers, Atkins, South Beach, soup diets, bible studies, fasting, juice-fasting, liquid diets, SlimFast, power foods, pills and a few others. If I lost any weight during the "diet", it was minimal and came back within six months. The emotional roller coaster has been exhausting and unbelievably discouraging. Then came the Biggest Loser TV show.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that the Biggest Loser TV show has changed my life. But I have learned a few things that have contributed to putting me on the right road. One of the most important reinforced ideas is that there is a spiritual and emotional element to being obese that I cannot ignore. People as heavy as me don't get here without some serious underlying, and more than likely unacknowledged, issues. I have had to begin working through levels of pain, spiritual depravity and maturity in order to really get to a place where weight-loss is even possible. In that endeavor, I discovered a deeply rooted self-destructive motivation that undermines all of my life goals, including weight loss. I found selfishness, pride and idolatry had erected mansions in my heart. But the most startling realization was a fear of success. Yes, I said fear of success. Not fear of failure. Let's face it...I'm good at the failing part. Success means so much to me, but fear is a blockade that I have to understand in order to experience healing. And understanding that is where I am now.

So what am I afraid of you might ask? Well, first off, it is important to know what success equals. To succeed means to lose all this added, unhealthy weight and return to a slim, healthy, energetic me. My ultimate goal is 135. I remember what it was like to come home from boot camp and the reactions people gave to my physical changes. People showered me with accolades, but some of those accolades were hard to take. People who hurt me emotionally in the deepest of ways as a child, now had cause to send their attention my way again. Add that to my shipping off to the Marine Corps school where I was outnumbered 500 to 1 by men in my battalion alone (and almost all other battalions were male-only on that base), I found that the attention that at first seemed nice, flattering and affirming, really created a very deep, but strongly ignored, fear that perhaps there was nothing more to me as a person than my body. It seemed that although I ran from home to the military, I still couldn't escape that the only way I mattered to this world was because someone, somewhere wanted to use my body for their own purposes. Self-loathing and an unexplained anger took root and grew like cancer.

But that was more than 10 years ago, right? Yes, and I'm a very different person than I was back then. The Lord has redeemed me from the pit of hell and I am His now. Realizing what all that means in my life is a lifelong process though. I figured out recently that I still fear feeling what I felt back then if I were to become the healthy individual I desire to be. My skin crawls at the possibility that the attention from men that left with my waistline and muscle definition, might return. Then there is the prideful and selfish part of me that hopes it does anyway. In the end, I have to battle all of those lines of thinking. Fear puts me in bondage and pride and selfishness bar me from experiencing the depths of my God the way I am intended to experience Him. So where does that leave me with regard to the goal of losing this very unhealthy weight?

It leaves me depending on His grace and mercy.

Each and every day I have choices to make about exercise and food. If I make them out of fear or pride and selfishness, I defeat the overall journey I desire which is a journey to know the Lord and be known by Him and serve Him from now to all of eternity. I can't say I have a handle on making these choices without these negative motivations, but that is where grace comes in. When I make the choice to eat smaller portions of healthier foods and go to the gym and work out as hard as I can, I have to consciously make the effort to give glory to God. Yet, knowing my heart is deceitful above all else, I am left with nothing else but to know that God's grace covers me anyway. Being healthy is a matter of stewardship. I have been a horrible steward of this gift of a body that the Lord has given me. I have put junk into it, abused it, and failed to exercise it and keep it in tip-top shape because I had other agendas than taking care of/using all the gifts God gave me for His plan, purpose and glory. I'm never going to be perfect this side of heaven. But somehow, some way, I am seeking to discover what it means to be motivated by grace.

I began by making a small goal; I joined the 20lbs for $20 challenge my friend put out there. Endeavoring to lose 20 pounds by December 4th has had its ups and downs, but grace has kept me moving forward. Grace kept me from quitting when I gained weight in week 2. Grace kept me from quitting when I overate one day, so that I could make better choices the next day. Grace pushed me out of bed at 3:30 several times a week over the past three weeks, when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and sleep. Grace kept me from quitting when I stayed in bed and slept. Grace pushed me in the gym to keep trying when things were difficult. Grace kept me from mentally and emotionally battering myself when I didn't do as well in the gym. Grace reminds me that I am loved - not for my body, not because I worked hard or made the right food choices, not because I fit into a certain size, and not because I do or don't attract attention from others, but I am loved...just because God chose to love me! This grace keeps me focused that this is a long-term lifestyle change that I am trying to make, and one tiny step after one tiny step, I move toward the person I desire to be. A person who can let go of the past, be healed of her hearts iniquities, and live for Jesus Christ with wild abandonment.

I gain a little more of that person every day...but only by His grace!

Fervent Prayer

I was told not too long ago that I had the spiritual gift of prayer. I’m not sure that prayer is a spiritual gift in the sense of how I think of spiritual gifts (ie. Certain people are gifted with certain things in order to all work together as a body…perhaps not everyone has the same gift). I believe every believer has the privilege to pray, is commanded to pray, and is blessed by prayer. Lately it seems more and more like a gift to me though. Still not in the sense of a “spiritual gift”, but in the sense that the Lord has placed upon my heart a sense of urgency and importance when it comes to prayer.

I don’t understand how a Sovereign God who knows all, has decided all, and is not surprised by anything can value such a thing as me praying, but if He didn’t, He would not speak about it in His word the way He does. And when I look to the examples left for me in the books of the bible, I see men and women of prayer: Moses, Abraham, Sarah, Esther, David, Paul and best of all, my beloved Jesus. Jesus did not have a victory recorded that did not accompany the recording of his prayer and time devoted to quiet conversation with the Father.

Lately, I’ve become acutely aware of the severity of the battle being waged against me, my family, my marriage and my home. I have not thought much about being a warrior in the heat of battle, but the veil has definitely lifted. I’m in the middle of a serious war. The war has already been won, yes, but I have not experienced that end result yet, so I’m still called to battle. I think because I knew this war had already been won, I have been complacent about fighting the good fight. I have been lazy about putting on my armor every day. I have been less than diligent in bending my knee in fervent prayer. And certainly I have been apathetic to the sense of urgency that the days demand. But no longer can I sit idly by and watch my house be carried away by the Thief one small bit at a time.

My sense of urgency renewed, my passion stirred, my laziness discarded for donning of battle gear, I have come to the front lines once again to wage war against the enemy. My weapon: prayer and the sword of the spirit…the Word of God. Like no other time, I am committing to pray God’s word over my own life, my marriage, the lives of each and every one of my family members and my home itself.

I can’t wait until the battle is over and I have eternal rest, but however long my life is, how can I not be serious about this war? Complacency and laziness abound in a culture like ours (American), but coming to terms with Psalm 90 brings me back to a sense of reality. Verse twelve says, “Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” I long to be a wise woman, a woman who fears the Lord, a woman who stands firm on solidly based convictions, executes relationships with compassion, kindness, gentleness, grace and mercy, and lives in the abundant freedom Christ died so that I could have. If I had to come up with one on the spot, this would be my life’s mission statement. Might need a little work…a few minor changes, but I think it sums up my plan to reach the one goal I have for this life…to hear in the end, from my precious Lord, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” And I don’t see doing well in living a faithful life serving the Lord if I fail to have a sense of urgency about my Father’s business!

So here I am….awakened to a new sense of what is at stake, how valuable it is, and that my part, however small, is important to my Lord. Fervent prayer…a must. Fervent prayer…a weapon. Fervent prayer…a path to victory!

Reality Sets In

I feel like I'm losing my mind...

One minute I can hold it together and the world seems almost normal...the next minute I break down in gut-wrenching sobs. The pain runs so deep that every time I try to plug the wound, it feels like I'm trying to put a band aid over a sucking chest wound. I hate this. I hate this whole process. I hate the back and forth swing of my emotions and that I don't know what to think. I hate that I can't stop crying long enough to hear what God wants to say to my heart.

Sometimes little things like "my grace is sufficient" seep through. Sometimes "keep pressing on toward the goal"...sometimes "be still and know that I am God"...sometimes "weeping is but for a night and rejoicing comes in the morning"...sometimes "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit". I guess they are not "little" things, but "big" things. I serve a Big and Mighty God. I have a Mighty God Who Saves!! But see...saying it, thinking it and truly believing it are way different things.

See...I can say of a chair...this is sturdy oak...fine craftsmanship...perfect detail....solidly built....will last a long time. But if I don't sit in the chair, my "faith" in the details seems rather meaningless. At this moment in my life...I have to sit in the chair of real Christianity. I have to ACTIVELY trust my Father in Heaven for my whole world...my life...the very air I breathe...for the strength to even get out of bed in the morning....to smile when my insides are dying.

It seems I have this love/hate relationship with the valley. I want to be like Paul who says "count it all joy", and one minute I seem to be capable of doing that, and the next I can't. One minute I'm trudging through the darkness with confidence and the next I'm cowering in the corner struck with paralyzing fear.

I guess this is where the "rubber meets the road" so to speak. I guess this is where true faith shines and the fake stuff gets burned away. I know being sharpened hurts. I know being sharpened is worth it. But I'm - if I may be so blunt in saying so - struggling with the flesh that says, "Isn't there some other way?"

Like Jesus in the garden....if it were possible, let this cup pass from me! I'm certainly not Jesus, but I wonder if He felt things that I am feeling. Did he feel abandoned? Did he feel fearful? Uncertain? Angry? Hurt? I guess since the bible commands "do not fear" and Jesus is without sin, He probably trusted His father and didn't fear. That must be my flesh alone. I don't know. I guess this whole blog I'm thinking "out loud"...it's what I do. Reality has set in and it's time to be real. Where is my real, genuine faith in my God? Do I really trust Him? Do I have any other choice but to trust Him?

Restoring Joy by Grace

My blog is for the purpose of sharing my heart with those that care to read the blog. But in many ways, I also find healing in expressing myself through writing. It’s like personal therapy. I’ve been struggling so much lately. I feel beat down and weary from life’s trials. Seems not long ago, I was almost sullen over having no “big trials” in my life that were driving me hard after the heart of God. Wow! I guess I should be careful what I ask for! But in truth, my spirit is excited about the hardships I’m experiencing right now. Sure, that may not make much sense to most people, but the sufferings I experience in life are designed to sharpen me and make me more like Jesus. To bring about in me the changes God desires…the transformation into the identity Christ gave me in His death, burial and resurrection.

So here I am in bittersweet territory. There are so many lessons to learn that it seems difficult to wrap my mind around all of them. One lesson is most assuredly regarding grace. One of my most favorite bible verses is “Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.” Psalm 51:12. I have been coming back to that verse quite a bit lately. The first part of that verse speaks to my heart on the matter of grace. David’s plea to the Lord to restore to him the joy of His salvation is about bringing him back to the place where he understood God’s grace. There is such joy found in the freedom of God’s grace. Grace isn’t a fuzzy feeling or warm invitation. It is the exchange of blood to pay for the debt of sinners…sinners like David…sinners like me. It is this verse that often brings me back to the foot of the cross. It makes me so humble to look up and know that my sin caused my Savior…my perfect Savior…such horror, anguish and agony. To know that He experienced all of the Father’s wrath on my behalf…for every sin I have ever committed or will commit…to know that He, who knew no sin, became sin, so that I could be positionally righteous before my Heavenly Father…that is humility. That is grace. The freedom of that love, that God poured out for me is where we come to a place of joy over our salvation.

But why the word “restore”? Because we still fight against the flesh. David, who God said was a man after His own heart, was a sinner who committed murder, lied, stole, and carried on in adultery until he repented. After we experience salvation, we begin to walk with the Lord. And likening it to other relationships, the “newness” wears off for us. We do not always choose the righteousness afforded to us in Christ through our salvation. And thus we stray. When we realize our walk is out of alignment, it is a cry of our hearts like David’s that sets us back on track: “Restore to me the joy of your salvation”. That cry says to our Lord…bring me back to that place of humility…bring me back to the newness of what it means to have received Your grace….bring me back to the place where I know the depth of my depravity and how hopeless I am to do this life on my own…bring me back to the place of complete dependence upon You, Lord!

This is one of the ways in which the Lord has been speaking to my own heart. Pride is such a wickedly deceptive thing in the life of every believer. So few of us every realize the depth of our own pride. I know that I personally recognize it very little. Thank the Lord for opening my eyes to it. To know that I’ve become self-dependent, self-focused, self-centered, and selfish is a horror in light of the cross. It’s all pride. Not wanting to be wrong, fear of rejection, high expectations of others, wanting to do things in my own time and my own way, and a host of other things are all revelations of my sin: pride. My sin kills fellowship with my Lord and it keeps from experiencing the joys of the freedom I have been given through grace.

What an incredible God we serve though! Because like David, I can make the cry of my heart, "Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me". I am constantly brought back to a sense of awe before Him. I just can’t possibly fathom Him as a whole…I can barely fathom Him in tiny parts! But just this part of grace...wow...there is restoring of joy when we understand what salvation from sin really is. I take on faith that the Lord is who He says He is, has done what He says He has done, and that I can count on all of His promises! Through faith, I have everything I could ever need or want! Praise the Lord for His grace!!!

Me and My Heavenly Daddy

How I love the Lord and His Word! I have begun to realize lately that I have been operating a pretty high stress level. To even begin sorting through all the reasons why in itself is a task that overwhelms and dismays me further. But I have been trying to find a way to bring that stress level down. Slight depression and extreme irritability are not my friends! So while I sat at the table this morning, I cried out to the Lord with the anguish of heavy weights on my shoulders. And isn't just like my tender and personal Father to faithfully answer with just what I need? Oh indeed it is.

The living and breathing Word lept from the pages of my bible and brought a peace in the midst of the chaos that has been reigning lately. He knew exactly what to say and how to guide me. He knew exactly how to comfort me. How I love Him for being that way! How I love Him for being so personal...so tender...so infinite, yet right there in that moment with me...so kind and gentle.

What an incredible God I have! And I'm very much looking forward to tonight when I get to spend some more quality time with Him. My husband has a guy's night out, my brother is going with him and my son is off to grandma's! I'll be visiting a friend and then home to sit in the quiet of the evening...just me and My Heavenly Daddy! I can hardly wait!