Looking Back on the First Year

Well folks, it is almost official. In a few days, Shea and I will have been married for ONE whole year! :) Wow...I've said "time flies" before, but man, did time fly or what? Here we are at the end of the first year and I have to say that being married is and isn't what I expected it to be.

First, it is what I expected it to be in the way of being a blessing and a challenge to grow closer to Christ. I absolutely enjoyed being loved the way my husband loves me in our home. He respects, serves, and loves me in ways that are so unique to marriage. I was able to see him up close and get to know him beyond what dating allows. Sure, seeing every side of a person also reveals stuff less glamorous than we first thought, but it also allows us to see the unique creation God has given us in the spouse we married. I have been blessed to see Shea's softer side (less macho), more of his humor, and the amazing ways he loves people. Of course, as much as any person prepares for marriage, it still isn't all what you expect it to be.

With all the blessing comes challenges too, and it was here that, despite all my lengthy preparations, I was still take aback at how difficult marriage could really be. I had to let go of so much "self" in the marriage relationship. Ladies, it doesn't end with the name change, let me tell you! So much of who you are is exposed to a person...an imperfect person. As a Christian, it was all I could do to render myself vulnerable to a perfect and loving God who adores me unconditionally. How in the world was I supposed to be that vulnerable before a mere man? But this first year, I think that process is well underway - that development of a habit of vulnerability.

Layer after layer of who I really was, was left for Shea's examination and exposure. He could see my "good side" AND my "not so good side". And what I found (Praise the Lord) was a man, although an imperfect sinner himself, who adored me unconditionally anyway! How amazing is that? I showed my "ugly" side and my dear husband loved me anyway! That...is such a testimony to the Lord.

I say that because I was challenged likewise. I got to see the "ugly" side of Shea. I was exposed to his weaknesses and faults. I got a backstage pass to the reality of him as a whole. And just as Shea had the choice of his response, I had to choose how I would respond. I admit I didn't always respond appropriately, but with the year before being so focused on prayer, the year we have spent being married has also taken on a prayer focus. I had to learn to be a wife that was safe and not critical, supportive and not adversarial, loving and not distant...which took the power of Christ in me to accomplish in even the smallest measures. And prayer was the key...that and two superb, godly women to help me keep my head on straight! :) LOL

And this week, as I have thought back over everything, I am so very grateful at His work in my heart. There is still such a long way to go, but WOW, what a beautiful restoration He is orchestrating in my life! Chipping away at hardness of heart. Cracking through the steely pride. Breaking down walls of insecurity, and ripping up the roots of selfishness. I mean, even being a single parent didn't drive me to give up the level of selfishness that this first year of marriage challenged me to give up or make me dig down to the depth of my soul that this phase of my life has. It's amazing at how far He has brought me in only one short year! It makes me marvel at the years to come....what He is doing now...what He will do...I seriously get goosebumps thinking about it!! :D

Father, you are so amazing to me!! Thank you! Thank you, with all that I am, for granting me the joy of your salvation and giving me a willing spirit to sustain me! I never had a clue how amazing that would be!

Taking Action

Dying to self....

Not a popular topic really, but as Christians, we are called to "die to self". As I sat quietly last night, I had a couple of things convict my heart. These are things that really are a matter of sin, but have been grey areas for me. When we are convicted of sin, we need to repent. Repentance is an attitude of the heart where we agree with God about the nature of sin, but it is also an action. If we say we're really sorry, but do nothing about changing our behavior, our true heart condition is definitely questionable.

So therein lies my struggle...I have these issues that need addressing. Not sure how to proceed, but just know that something beyond my confession before the Lord is necessary. What that "something is", I'm not sure. And that is where I have to ask the Lord to help me "die to self". I know my flesh, my "heart" is exactly what the bible says it is...full of malice, deceit, etc. I so identify with Paul's internal struggle of "doing what I ought not do" and "not doing the good I ought to". So as I pray through this, I'm begging the Lord to kill the flesh and raise up the power of His spirit in me. Grant me wisdom to know exactly what I need to do. Help me navigate through the temptation to continue doing nothing at all...

Because if I did nothing at all...my heart will harden against the sin and an insensitivity to God's voice will begin and only get worse. Oh how I would hate that...The tenderness I've been experiencing is so very precious to me. I would ask that it only get more tender and deeper in the level of intimacy...not to start another season of hardness of heart!

You who are spiritual?

Galatians 6:1-7

1Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. 2Bear one an other's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. 3For if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4But each one must examine his own work, and then he will have reason for boasting in regard to himself alone, and not in regard to another. 5For each one will bear his own load. 6The one who is taught the word is to share all good things with the one who teaches him. 7Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap."

I have been going over this passage since yesterday. It is so packed that I could hardly detail it all in one blog, but I'd like to share some thoughts I've been having as I've meditated on this.

First what strikes me is the opening: if anyone is caught in sin, you who are spiritual...oh my! Are there any of us who are "spiritual"? Very humbling thought that we are called as Christians to restore our brothers and sisters who backslide. I've been struggling with that lately. I have numerous friends who are struggling with such heavy sin burdens. It finally occurred to me today that the reason I don't have such a burden of my own or some trial to go through is because the Lord has orchestrated this season as a time for helping others. I've wondered why I haven't been worthy of much of a trial lately...that perhaps some sin in my life was hindering me from experiencing the spiritual growth I longed for. A short, but intense spiritual attack through my emotions, seems rather trivial and I long for more. More that pushes me to the brink and makes me depend upon the Lord in new and exciting ways. But now I'm seeing the many women that the Lord has brought into my life to walk alongside and encourage during their time in the valley, and I am realizing a new and (in my opinion) better way to get closer to the Lord.

Second, there is a warning. One the warning tells us the attitude by which we restore our brother/sister. Two, the warning tells us there are pitfalls for us who walk with our brother/sister. Our attitude must be that of compassion. We can't have an attitude of condemnation, pride or hypocrisy. I'm being driven to my knees to ensure that my heart is right before the Lord in the midst of trying to help those around me. Praying the Lord would keep me humble and keep my eyes open to my own sin. That He would break my heart and help me to see and hate sin as he sees and hates it. Praying that the Lord would uphold me and keep my walk steady as I try to steady those around me. It's kind of weird. It's not really my work, but God working through me to "put on skin" for the women that need a tangible touch from him. It makes me love Him so much more to experience it.

Verses two through four talk about our call to bear one anothers burdens and do so with humility. Not thinking more highly of ourselves that we ought to and examining our hearts WITHOUT comparison. That right there - examining WITHOUT comparison - is a huge deal! Just because I'm not steeped in the sins that are going on around me, doesn't mean I'm without sin or somehow better than someone else. We humans have such a twisted "sin scale" to measure how "good" some people are in comparison to the "heinous" crimes of others. But in reality, the Lord lumps in all sin together. It's just as awful to disobey your parents as it is to murder someone. My sin is not any less hurtful to the heart of my Father than the sin I'm helping my sisters in Christ with. When I avoid comparison and simply come naked and vulnerable to the Lord with my heart exposed for what it is, THEN and ONLY then, can I be dealt with appropriately. It is in THOSE moments that the Lord can speak plainly into my life the truth of my human condition. It is THEN that grace is so clear and uplifting. To know that as He removes the sin and cleanses me, I am so much more in touch with the real me! The me that Christ gave on Calvary - white, pure, holy and blameless by redemption!

The last two verses go back to the point: we have an obligation to the Body of Christ to help one another. Not out of spite or condemnation or duty, but out of love for Jesus and His work. As we learn the word, as we grow in knowledge, the application is to self and to others. We first obey and then teach others through our testimony how they can also obey and experience freedom from sin. I can help women who are struggling with unrighteous anger and some addictions. I can help women who are struggling with unbelief of who God is as their Father, Protector and Provider. But honestly, I am limited in what I can offer in helping women overcome food addictions. I am still walking that myself. I am still learning how to walk in freedom. But ultimately I will soar, like an eagle mounted up on His wings! And it is then, that I can begin to take steps to encourage others who are caught up in sin to do something about it. It is when I have the testimony of God's faithfulness in my own life that I can share the hope that speaks louder than words!

If I were to go to a sister in Christ and with as much love as possible tell her that an adulterous affair was sinful and she needed to stop, but then continue on in my own affair, I would be nothing more than a hypocrite! But when I walk daily by grace to be a godly wife and do the best I can to apologize for disrespectful acts or words, do the best I can to be thoughtful and put my husband and home as a top priority in my day, spend time praying for my husband, extending grace to my husband and receiving the grace I need for my fallen humanity ... THEN my testimony to a wife who is struggling is so much more powerful than the truth coming from a sin-ridden heart. I guess my point is...we can always speak the truth and tell people what the bible says ... but when we speak it from pure hearts and lives that live it out in action, we build a testimony that stands like a temple unto our Father. It is those times when the world sees our good deeds and praises our Father in heaven! Otherwise, they only see hypocrisy and remnants of Pharisees.

In summary, we have a choice of what we shall sow into eternity. We can develop the daily disciplines of an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ and glorify Him through obedience. We can reach out to others and begin helping them build their own testimonies, or not. The other side would be to stay in our prideful, sinful pits and as a community of believers, we'll all be rendered ineffective. God's name would not be glorified and the rocks would be left to do the job of singing His praises. Personally, I'd rather be the one honoring and glorifying the One who gave me so much. The One who loves me and gave me life and continues to revive me every day!

What about you?

Spiritual Warfare

As of yesterday I thought I was losing my mind. I think as women, most of us can identify with PMS, or being moody, or just being a bit "over-emotional", but I promise you, I had never felt such intense emotions as the ones that hit me yesterday and carried through most of today. At first, I thought 'PMS'. Then I thought 'stress'. Then I thought...'okay...way more stress than I had first realized'. Then...'okay...I'm having a nervous breakdown....What on earth was going on with me?"

I had not felt such intense anger and rage since before I had been saved. Emotions that erupted like Mount Kilauea just came spewing forth this horrid stream of anger, bitterness, fear, anxiety and hatred. It was like nothing I had ever felt since becoming a Christian...and certainly nothing I would expect to experience as a Christian.

I floundered in a sea of raging thoughts about my husband and the stresses of life...trying just to breathe in the midst of the terrible storm. I gasped beneath the weight of what seemed like overwhelmingly long lists of things that needed to be done. I felt pierced and racked by every perceived injustice from my husband. My "okay" and "peaceful" pictures of life suddenly had darkened and taken a horrible turn. I felt so lost and confused in the midst of it all. It was all I could do not to lash out physically at everything and everyone around me.

Last night, after work and running some errands with a friend, we got home around 7pm. This is normally Jonathan's bath and "get ready for bed" time. We still needed to eat dinner and what not, so we rushed through our bed time routine and when I had put him to sleep, I sank down on my bed and began to weep uncontrollably. Tears gushed out the intensity of the emotional river I had tried to bank throughout the day. When the sobbing subsided, the anger returned and I clean when I get angry. But even so, the intensity of my emotions was so raw, it even made working difficult.

Today, the storm raged on. I figured by now, it was an emotional breakdown. I could hardly talk to anyone without breaking down in tears. I sent an email to a very few close friends that are wonderful women of prayer! I explained very little, asked them not to ask, and just to pray for me. I felt like I was hanging on for dear life.

Then, as suddenly as these emotions appeared, this afternoon, a still small voice (that of the Lord Himself) whispered to my heart..."Cast all your anxiety on him who cares for you." I shot back "How?...I don't even know what's going on with me!" The answer was not one I expected..."The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy...he is like a roaring lion, seeking whomever he can devour". And though I hadn't seen the lurking stalker as the source of the storm before this moment, it was like the sun parted the blackened skies and shone a spotlight on the enemy.

This was a spiritual attack!!?

And just like that...the enemy vanished. Peace washed over me like nothing I have ever felt in my life. Suddenly in the midst of the storm, the sea was calm. I was safe and the world as I knew it was not falling apart. The rage, the anger, the nasty emotions that had been soiling my soul were washed away. The negative and hateful thoughts about my husband and my life came to an immediate halt and the world seemed so still. Like a sudden thunder storm that passes quickly, sunshine radiated through the clouds and I could feel the warmth where only cold elements once beat relentlessly.

So why? Why would the enemy strike so suddenly, so severely and through my emotions? I'm not sure I know the entire reason, but I do know that Saturday was a pivotal moment for me spiritually. At the women's conference, I relinquished my compulsive overeating chains to the cross. I vowed to walk in grace by faith from that moment forward as the Lord showed me how to walk in the freedom I have been given through Jesus Christ - freedom from the chains of overeating. Being that this sin has been the biggest barrier between me and the Lord, I can't imagine the enemy was happy about losing that battle. My enemy knows how emotions are the biggest and easiest trigger to my compulsive behavior pattern. He threw in the attack on my family relationships as an added bonus to separate me from the support I have...to isolate me even further!

I thank God that there is nothing the enemy can do to me that has any power! The enemy has no victory! Jesus came in and swept away that little storm like it was nothing. (Although it felt like WW III to me before then!) The truth came in to dispel the lies and lift me up!

What an amazing day! It started off feeling like the world was crumbling...my mind was going...and life seemed like a long dark tunnel. It has ended in rays of amazing sunshine where I am resting in the comfort and peace of my Savior! Lord, you are Awesome! And you are Mighty to Save!! Thank you for rescuing me! Thank you for prayer warriors! Thank you for your still small voice and that I could actually hear it! How I love you Jesus and am so grateful you stay so close to me! Your protective hand is such a great comfort to me! LORD....you truly are AMAZING GOD!!

An Intimate Prayer

Lord,

I am feeling the weight of so many things on my shoulders today. It is precious to me that you gave me 1 Peter 5:7 that says "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." So here I am...I'm casting my anxiety on you.

I had to leave work today at 3pm and instead of being able to take Jonathan home, I dropped him off with my friend where he will now go every day after school. Now, I'm back at work...with only a few things that need to be filed...and a heart that aches wishing I were busy at home instead.

There is nothing I want more than to be at home with my son. Now my mind floods with moments I spent cleaning or working on something when I could have spent them playing with him. I think of times we went to the gym instead of going home. I think of times he was playing and I just watched something on TV. And now, I have no more moments in the afternoon. Now, I will pick up Jonathan sometime after 5pm and go home, make dinner, walk the dogs and start our bath time routine. No more playtime, no more trips to the park, no more video game challenges, or all the other things we used to do together.

Perhaps it shouldn't bother me as much as it is...but I feel like I've lost a lot more than it seems I've lost on the surface. Tears sting my eyes to know that 10 or more hours I used to have at home are now going to be spent at work instead.

If this work hour change wasn't enough, I'm also still struggling with the tax issue and the huge number we seem to owe. I'm struggling with the stress of daily life...marriage, housekeeping, friends experiencing deeper heartache than me, and all the rest.

I feel so weighed down, Lord. So heavy laden... I come to you for rest. Please help me. Give me strength and peace to just walk step by step through daily life right now. Dry my tears and help me to rejoice over the long list of blessings you have bestowed upon me and my family! Help me to remember the deep gratitude I should have for you and all you've given! I love you, Jesus. Thank you for everything...everything you do...and everything you are! You are my hero!

Hearing Him

After a stressful week, I found Saturday to be an incredible day of blessing from my Father! Our church held a women's conference this past Saturday and although I didn't think I would be able to go, at the last minute, I was able to go.

As the day began, the Holy Spirit began to move in such amazing ways. It is rare that I experience the Lord so intimately in such a public venue, but despite being surrounded by hundreds of other women, I might as well have been the only woman in the room. As the women began to share through worship music and their testimonies, the Lord began to speak to my heart. As you may know from my previous blogs, I have kept no secret of my deep and persistent struggling with compulsive overeating. This persistent sin has created a barrier between me and Lord and there are obvious and severe health concerns that come from it as well. And the Lord began speaking to me about this particular issue. One that I have prayed and prayed and tried and tried and tried and tried to remedy...fix...correct...get rid of...compensate for...I just wanted to be free.

Songs began to speak about the Lord's might...how He conquered sin and death.

Testimonies began to speak about freedom and hope that come from faith.

Words would jump out from so many places to say, "I have already set you free." "The bondage is an allusion...a lie that the truth can and has already shattered." "Hold on and don't give up on the Lord - He is the solution." And yet "give up" - "give up your own will and your own effort to solve your sin problem...what is impossible with man is possible with God."

I think the most poignant moment for me came toward the end when I began to look at the card board signs that held brief statements of the testimonies of each lady that was a part of the Journey of Sisters. Words began to jump out and as I wrote them down, I knew the Lord the was saying that these words were just for me:

RESTORED

FREED

HEALED

VICTORIOUS

KNOW/KNOWN

ADOPTED

CONSUMED

ON FIRE

BEAUTIFUL

WRAPPED

RECLAIMED

LIVING

REJOICING

VALIDATED

FOUND

ENABLED!

These words were incredible to me and spoke volumes to me. As I meditated on what each word meant to my heart, I was refreshed in ways I could hardly explain. I felt like the Samaritan woman at the well...carrying with me the labels, the hardness of life, the baggage of sin and a "past" I could not release...and I found living water! No more would I be thirsty because I had something everlasting!

I received that everlasting water at the point I was saved, but this reminder...this intimate moment with my Jesus...was telling me that I am free...I was not in a prison, except by my own choice. Somehow, if I gave up my efforts and laid it at the cross...this besetting sin would be gone! This heavy, burdensome chain would fall off and the doors to my prison would open!

I don't know that I'm completely walking in the grace I received in abundance on Saturday, but I have vowed that each day, step by step, I would do whatever I could, whatever my part to stop "trying hard" and just surrender myself to the grace...by grace I would stop living to eat...and only eat to live!

Father, you never fail to amaze me with your love! You never fail to show me how precious I am to you, although I bring no worth in and of myself. I love how you love me, and because you have rescued me, I am happy to give you my life and surrender to the process of being made like your Son! Thank you for choosing me! Thank you for being my all! Thank you for meeting me where I am! You are AWESOME, Lord!!! Beyond words...you are AWESOME!!

Called to Freedom

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. ~ Galatians 5:13

This is a difficult verse for me. Convicting in some respects, used by the devil to give me a general sense of guilt in other respects, and freeing as well. The conflict in my heart is rather difficult to sort out. Bottom line...Christ died for my sins. He was pierced for my transgressions. Because Christ, who knew no sin, on my behalf became sin, and was slaughtered, I have forgiveness of my debt to the Father. That is FREEDOM! And by God's good grace, my eyes have been opened and I have received that gift of eternal life. To me, it seems that the transformation should be complete. The bible says I am a NEW creation. The old is gone! My problem with this? Why do I continue in patterns of sin?

Galatians says "do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature". So I'm sitting here, evaluating in what ways I indulge my sinful nature. Part of me wants to say "I don't indulge it", "I'm fighting it". But the honest part of me knows that is not entirely true. I do indulge my sinful nature. Any honest Christian has to come to the point where he/she realizes that there is a freedom in the fact that sin has been forgiven past, present and future! Whatever sin I commit today, I know Christ already paid for it. But knowing that hurts me...

Why do I, knowing the price He paid, take for granted that I no longer owe the debt? I can easily see how college students can sluff off their studies when they are not the ones paying for the steep tuition or the room and board. Or the young adult that doesn't take much of life seriously because mom/dad always paid for their speeding tickets, their insurance and car payments, their rent and food money, and generally made sure they were never allowed to stand on their own and take the consequences of their own actions. (Twisted form of "protection" we parents sometimes uphold.) But how does a person avoid such an attitude? How do I stay grateful and humble toward the display of the cross?

If I can take anything else from this particular verse, a big part of staying humble and grateful is to serve one another in love. If you think about what it means to serve...to put others before ourselves...to give sacrificially of ourselves for the sake of others' needs. By doing so, I think we take steps toward holiness! We understand a teeny-tiny taste of what it means that Christ sacrificed for us. The more we sacrifice for others, the less we should be vulnerable to indulging our sinful nature.

This is hugely convicting to me. My husband and I have been working through cutbacks in finances. I feel that while slow, our debt reduction plan is working just fine. But more than anything I would love to be able to help others. Cell phones and cable and other "extras" we take for granted, I would think could be easily sacrificed in order to help others whose needs are hardly or not at all being met right now.

As "holy" as that may sound, I am really struggling with my follow through. We reduced our cell phone bill significantly, but haven't terminated the contract we have for cable service. I haven't done as well with our groceries as I could have because I haven't been planning as much. Thankfully we have been well-stocked for a while and haven't needed much, but still. I could save more. The problem comes back to laziness and selfishness. And this is just in the area of finances.

There is also my personal commitment to my marriage and my family. What kind of sacrifices am I making in that respect that would help me avoid indulging my sinful nature? Truth is...not many. One of my "besetting" sins is overeating. In times when I binge eat, I get tired and run down. Or I stay up so late that I'm tired and run down the next day from lack of sleep. Either way, one of the consequences of my sin is not having the energy to tend to and serve my family. Sin breeds more sin. The more I indulge my sinful nature, the more I will continue to indulge my sinful nature just because it takes way too much effort to turn around and go in a different direction. Isn't that how it is with so many other sins as well?

So why in the world would I publicize this on a blog?

James 5:16, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." When we quote James 5:16, we often only quote the latter part of the verse...that the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. However, I wonder if we stop to think how we became "righteous"? I suspect we can, like many other things, take that transaction for granted...as we take for granted the resulting freedom! But when we confess (and this whole confession piece ties into what I've been working through all week with daily disciplines), we admit to the Lord how we've offended him and perhaps others as well. We ask for prayers to encourage repentance. Repentance is turning from our sin and walking uprightly instead. Healing comes when grace covers our sin. "By his wounds, we are healed!"

My second reason is for your benefit. If you are a Christian, then how seriously are you taking this verse in Galatians? What part of your sinful nature are you indulging? Are you justifying your behavior somehow? Are you failing to see how correcting that behavior, repentance, would allow you to live as truly called to freedom? How long will we stay shackles instead of living in freedom?

I'm not sure about you, but my prayer for today is that the Lord would give me a HUGE dose of grace as I confess and ask for healing. Lord give me the energy to serve others, give me the heart of unselfishness that I may be used to meet the needs of others, and Lord help me to live according to the call to Freedom!! I love you!