Shame

Those who belong to Jesus really have no reason to feel shame, so how is it that I find myself battling shame? I find it to be simply the cause of sin in my life. Gluttony has sucked the vitality out of my Christian walk. Lust, greed, idolatry, and probably a host of other sins that seem to go unconfessed or if confessed, somehow still unrepented of, at day's end. I marvel at how I could walk so boldly away from the intimacy of God. I hang my head at the realization that I no longer hear his voice aloud in my heart. For a hardened heart receives nothing. I am at a loss as to where I step from here. I hear the beckoning at least...a beckoning to humble myself and pray. I hear the beckoning to repent, but how? I have confessed, but how do I know the difference between confession and true repentance. I used to think I knew. But the evidence of my life shows conviction of sin, not the freedom of forgiveness. So here I am, bound by sin and unable to free myself and completely saddened by the prison bars!

How I long to hear those intimate whispers once again. How I long to be near those distant cries you send my direction. Dear Jesus please do not leave me in my sin. Please revive your spirit within me. Forgive me for squelching his work in my life, and for my unrepentant heart. Please cure my unbelief and draw me back to you. I miss you. I miss the intimacy and the whispers I used to hear from your lips. I miss the friendship and the companionship...the feel of arms that held me tight. Please restore me, Lord. I have nothing to offer but me...chained, messed up, filthy me. Would you have me? Would you take the life I've ruined and mold it for your own?