Practicing A Little Frugality

So I know I have NOT been practicing my frugal shopping habits for at least the last month. But I was inspired by an interview with the author of "Miserly Moms" - Jonni McCoy. So I decided since we had not done our grocery shopping yet, I would practice one of her tips that I had not done before. "Shop Loss Leaders".

Grocery stores put out ads each week that include a few items that they "lose money" on because they want you to come in and buy the rest of your grocery list at their store. I admit, I like my "one-stop shopping" mentality, but I decided to peruse the ads and see if I could create my meal plan around the loss leaders advertised in various stores. I have to say I was pretty impressed. With only one coupon, I bought almost two weeks worth of groceries for our family and spent $88.46. It's only Wednesday and I don't have to do any grocery shopping until Friday the 30th! :D

That is a huge savings compared to the $150.00 per week we have been spending on groceries. I can only imagine if I were to go back to collecting and clipping my coupons what I could save! :D Woo whooo! But for now, I'll take my $88.46 and be happy with it!

Abiding Trust

I don't think I ever realized how many things I have been holding to very tightly in my life until the Holy Spirit began to ask me to give them up. Now, I find my heart hurting as I seek to surrender these precious things to the Lord: being a stay at home mom, having my picture of a godly home, having my picture of a godly husband, and even just being free to speak what's on my mind.

It's not that I think the Lord is out to punish me or that he will not ever give these things back to me. Rather, it is like the story of the little girl who wanted some dime store pearls in the window of a little store. She saved and saved and finally bought them and they became her most prized possession. Then, when her daddy asked her to give them up to him, she struggles immensely. She offers up every other "precious" thing to him, where he kindly responds, 'No thank you. I love you.' Finally, she sits before him with huge tears and a broken heart and gives her father the dime store pearls - her act of saying 'I love you more than these.' Then, in exchange, he gives her a string of genuine pearls. But she didn't know he would do that...and I don't know if God will give me back the things I hold tightly to either. But I do know He will give me something genuine and far more precious than what I now think of as "genuine and precious".

'Dying to self' has a whole new dimension to it now. It's not "bad things" that God is asking me to surrender. He's asking me to give up "good things", "godly things", things that are not wrong to want...except when I want them more than God. I'm learning so much about my Father's jealousy. He will go to great lengths to be #1 in my heart. He will dive in deep with his skilled surgeon's hand and cut out those ugly parts of my heart - parts I didn't even realize were ugly. The whole process can only be accomplished by His supernatural work.

How very desperate I have become for His grace in these last few months! If there was ever a time in my life where I depended on Him more, it greatly pales in comparison to the desperation of today. How much I long to be close enough to Him that I stop feeling the fear and insecurity associated with all this change. How my flesh hates to be thwarted this way and how vulnerable I am to the attacks of Satan himself.

But in His infinite wisdom and faithfulness, God has rallied His body around me with words of wisdom and encouraging truth. There is purpose in the pain. He is good and Sovereign. He is PRESENT in the fire! He has already defeated my enemy. And as helpless and sometimes hopeless as it might seem - He is my help and my hope always! This season in my life is about deep, abiding trust. It's about trusting the hand that leads me when I'm not sure where we're going. It's about abiding when I'm not sure where we're going won't hurt - in fact, I'm pretty sure that it WILL hurt. At this point, here in the valley, I have to trust His heart, knowing He has promised a plan for my life that is for my good and His glory!

Is He Enough?

I was challenged with this question yesterday - "Is He enough?" It pierced my heart, because truthfully, I had to acknowledge that Jesus wasn't enough. I also wanted to stop having to endure my recent struggles. So my equation was no longer "Jesus", but "Jesus PLUS Pain Relief". It seems I had gotten my nose so close to my circumstances that I forgot to step back and admire God's tapestry in my life. I had become so anxious - even in my prayers - because I had forsaken gratitude. Caught up in the momentary, I had forgotten the eternal. I had erected an idol of Pain Relief in my life and the darkness that settled on my heart was scary and intensified the pain of my struggle to a breaking point. I walked into my counselor's office yesterday, for the first time I can remember in my Christian walk, without hope! How could I have lost my hope?

That is what happens when Jesus is not enough?

My hope had been removed from Christ and I put it in pain relief. I was tired of struggling. Tired of no end in sight to this particular trial. I was weary from the hurt my heart had to bear day in and day out. I would pray. I would read His word. I would pray some more. All the while, expecting that at some point, the pain would lessen - my "peace that surpasses all understanding" and my joy would overwhelm and dull the pain and make my circumstances less uncomfortable. But I was wrong. My prayers for relief went unanswered. My pleas for a pain-killer went unfulfilled. In all my wailing before the Lord, I had forgotten to stop and listen to His still small voice which was telling me that His grace was sufficient. So He asked me yesterday - "Am I enough?"

Psalm 23 begins "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want." What a picture of contentment! If He is my shepherd, my ever present help in time of need, my redeemer, my friend, my Emmanuel, then I shall not be in want. But if he's not enough, my heart suffers the dissatisfaction that always results from idolatry. So I had a choice to make - would I trust that He is enough?

Admittedly, I am in a place now where that "leap of faith" is a little scary. This layer of independence and pride has to be ripped from my heart if I'm going to put my trust in my Shepherd and Him alone. I don't want to endure pain or affliction, but to realize that my God would go to such great lengths to be closer to me, causes me to reconsider how I view recent trials. I realized, perhaps for the millionth time, that God is Good and God is Sovereign. He has a good and loving purpose for everything - including pain. All this follows closely on the heals of realizing that sanctification hurts...but even realizing that, I still wanted a "time out" from that painful sanctification to something - well - less painful! But now...now is the time when I choose my God over my pain and rejoice in the fellowship of His sufferings. Now is the time when I get to feel the depth and breadth of all of life - not just the feel good parts. And best of all - now is when I get to experience the very presence of my Creator. I get to stand in the fire with him and know that the dignity of my soul is protected even if life hurts - because in the end - He is enough!

Sanctification Hurts

Today is one of those heart-wrenching days. I have felt alone, isolated and abandoned for some time now. Each day I do my best to walk through my day with my head up and a joyful heart for all the Lord has blessed me with. And that list is long. But reality is - I'm still struggling. I feel like I'm slowly drowning beneath the weight of emotions and stress. I hate stressing about things I can't change and have no control over. But I do have a bittersweet appreciation for how those things push me to the foot of the cross. I can't change them, but it's the hard rocks in life that change us. It is those uncontrollable things that God wields to chisel away the hardness and impurity of our fallen hearts.

Boy is He chiseling me today!

I really wanted to vent my frustrations and pent up emotions to my husband. We are experiencing a lot of tension right now in our marriage and so much is going unsaid. But because I set out on a journey to allow God's Word to change my heart, I am holding fast to my tongue and to Ephesians 4:29 where it says "do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen". I cannot speak to benefit me, the speaker. Before I give my tongue the freedom to loose the words of my heart, I have to know that those words are for the benefit of the hearer. Being that I am not sure of that, I have chosen not to speak - at least not speak fully the things inside.

That is a real struggle for someone is who is used to saying what's on her mind. I usually work through things "out loud". But I know the Lord says not one carelessly spoken word will be forgotten. Yes, should I fail, my sin is certainly forgivable, but I do not want to cause more damage where healing is already desperately needed.

So I guess that is one reason for my blog. Certainly do not expect to read the inner workings of my heart at this moment - I won't be writing them in the coming lines of text. But I wanted to share my struggle. So many of us can go on for years without ever finding healthy ways of communicating and relating to one another. And we can certainly miss out on the work the Lord is doing on our hearts, when we are quick to speak and refuse to hear Him. I am praising the Lord that He hasn't given up on me yet and that he's diligently working on my tongue and my heart. A year ago, I wouldn't have even thought through whether or not my words were beneficial to my husband - I would have just "gotten it off my chest" and worried about the repercussions later. But I have seen the devastation of words ill-spoken far too many times now.

Even so, it hurts not to speak too. It hurts to feel isolated and alone in my frustration and anguish. I'd much rather fight and get it all out, so I don't have to feel the pain anymore. But God reminds me - "Where do fights and quarrels come from?" They come from the desires of your own heart, Shannon. You want something and don't get it. You fight and quarrel to get it. But you don't have it, because you don't ask God. (James 4) So where this could easily be seen by some as unnecessary self-inflicted pain in keeping my words to myself, I want you to know that it's about allowing God to weed out those desires at war within my heart. Rather than doing battle with my husband, I am wrestling with the Lord. I am praying and begging for mercy and grace. I desperately need it. I need a working of His Spirit to gut out the sin of my heart, so that I can speak the truth in love...so I can be a vessel of His words and His heart. So I can speak wholesome words that are helpful for building up my husband and strengthening our marriage - words that benefit my husband instead of just tearing him down because I feel bad. Yet getting to that point means walking through the sometimes painful process called sanctification.

But oh, how thankful I am for a Savior that has saved a wretch like me. To fully see the darkness of one's own heart...it is an ugliness that leaves me without words. But to see God's fingerprints on my life...to see how He's at work. It gives me hope and joy unspeakable!! It renews me to keep fighting against my flesh, to keep trusting His word and His work in me. It is faith that grows when we allow light to shine on the darkness in our lives - and I am so very grateful for His light! I am so very grateful that He is sanctifying me - even if it hurts!

Lord, thank you for keeping my tongue still. Thank you for showing me where my words would have been damaging and selfish and not encouraging or uplifting. Please forgive me for resorting to sarcasm when I feel hurt. Please continue to work on me - change my heart and sanctify me so that I fully delight in you. I have not been in a place lately, where I can enjoy the intimacy we usually share, so please revive me. Bring me back into that tender place so that I can see your heart and your will for me. Shelter me from myself so that I can be used by you to serve my husband and serve my family. I don't want to be that contentious woman from the bible that makes her home so terrible, it's better to live on the roof than with me. Help me to find satisfaction and fulfillment in you so that I don't burden my husband with impossible tasks. Show me how to be a blessing instead of a curse. I love you Lord. Thank you for never forsaking me. Thank you for your grace and generosity and open arms when I keep failing you. Your patience is amazing. Keep working on me Lord. I still need you desperately. Open the eyes of my heart and make me tender to your ways. In Jesus Name, I pray - Amen.