Just a disclaimer before I launch into the blog...this blog is really a transparent look into my heart. One that leaves me spiritually bare and vulnerable. I pray that my testimony will be an encouragement and point back to the Truth of our Savior. All that I have written here is written with that spirit! May it also be received that way.
"Love suffers long, and is kind." (1 Corinthians 13:4a)
"My God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19)
It has been difficult for me to practically apply these verses in my marriage. So often, I think when we vow "for better or worse" we really only mean "for better" and when we discover that the spouse we married is a sinner...well...we all have not so loving reactions to the discovery that in hindsight, really should have been plain to us from the beginning. Somehow I thought my husband would sin, but would discover it immediately, repent of it humbly, and always be on the perfect path toward righteousness. I also thought that God would use him to meet all my needs! So when my husband wasn't behaving as I expected and didn't meet my needs like I thought, I felt despair and disappointment in ways I never expected. It's almost laughable when I put in writing, but not so laughable in reality. And so began my journey in seeking a new set of eyes by which to see my husband and our marriage...a vision that has been greatly shaped by verses like these!
Love suffers long and is kind. I have been so prone to taking what could be classified as minor offenses and making the biggest deal out of them. I have taken offense at so many things that, in the big picture, are not that important and honestly, could have been overlooked had I been in a different mood at the time of offense. But you may be saying to yourself..."What about the "big" offenses, Shannon?" What about them? What about when our husbands are not godly upstanding men as they should be? What does patient love look like then? It looks like a wife, taking God's word at face value, regardless of the circumstances. Circumstances never change the Truth. Circumstances never determine whether or not I am patient or not in my love for my husband.
The thing I think most women in difficult marriages find so repulsive is their own notion of "love". It is not beyond my understanding to see how it is impossible to have warm, endearing feelings toward a husband that is ill-treating his wife, perhaps unfaithful, deceptive, abusive, and the like. Loving him does NOT equate to affirming the sin in his life and sometimes, it means holding him accountable for those sins and putting up appropriate boundaries. In my marriage, I had to realize that "love" had to take on a new definition. It was no longer the warm, fuzzy feelings for him that defined my "love". It was action. Acts of kindness, acts of my will to forgive and no longer hold him to the fire for mistakes, acts that conveyed his needs were more important than mine.
There is no doubt that a marriage is most blessed when TWO people operate on the same basis - the same biblical definition of love. But I think we often miss so much blessing when wait to operate that way or worse yet, refuse to operate that way, because our husbands do not! For I know that scripture teaches that God uses the demeanor of a godly wife to woo the wayward husband to Himself. How dare we think so much of our own "rights" and "needs" that we remove the tool God may use to woo His creation, our husbands, unto a righteous relationship!
This brings me to my next point. The other aspect I struggled with was having my needs met. I wanted to believe that the Lord supplied all my needs, but so often I had a plan and an expectation for how the Lord would choose to meet those needs. I had a time frame and a deadline for the Lord's action. A bit arrogant, wouldn't you say? A bit full of myself, would you agree? It was grotesque to think of how impatient and indignant I would be that I would need to feel loved, yet the Lord would not cause my husband to love me with the kind of love the Lord commands in His word. It was especially terrible to think of how a double standard crept into my heart. I would want my husband to meet my needs, unconditionally. Yet, I would not want to return that for him. I only wanted to give when he gave. I only wanted to love when he loved. I only wanted to work when he worked. But I expected such a different attitude and behavior from my husband. - Despicable!
So ladies, the truth is, no matter who we married, we are given commands about how we are to love...how we are to trust. We love unselfishly and expect that our needs are met only through Jesus Christ. We trust Him to love us and clothe us and feed us...even when our earthly husbands do not. Can we do that? Not without the Lord empowering us to do so. Not without being transformed by the renewing of our minds. Not without doing away with our old thinking and implanting the Lord's Truth in our minds and hearts!
May each of you allow into your heart the principles of these verses and others that help us to love and serve our husbands and truly give godly encouragement to the men we married! God bless you!!
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