Counting My Blessings: Part 1

It can be so easy to focus on the things in this world that break my heart. So I've remembered a challenge issued to me a long time ago by a dear friend. She was challenged to write down 1001 things she was thankful for. She is still working on her list as far as I know, but has been thoroughly blessed by God's work through that list to cultivate a heart of gratitude.

So here I am taking the challenge myself to detail 1001 things for which I am thankful.

I am thankful for…

1. Jesus Christ my Savior…who has challenged me to have a heart of gratitude!
2. a son that is used of God in my life on a daily basis.
3. friends that love me unconditionally.
4. a home where I can feel welcomed and safe.
5. the Lord's provision of a job.
6. the ability to freely read and meditate on His word.
7. a group of people to fellowship with and grow in Him.
8. a church that cares about the people in our community.
9. a reliable car.
10. being able to read and write.
11. my friend and dear sister Tandi. She is such a beautiful person.
12. the willingness of my heart to keep on keeping on even when the rest of me wants to give up.
13. being used in the lives of people at work.
14. the way my husband to be passionately cares about Jonathan.
15. being able to watch and participate in the growing up of God's creation: Jonathan.
16. KCBI 90.9, an FM radio station that God uses in countless ways to grow my faith and teach me His ways.
17. living in a country that guarantees my freedom to worship the Lord Jesus Christ.
18. cupboards with food in them.
19. the wide variety of foods available for purchase at local markets.
20. being able to communicate with my family even when I am not able to see them.
21. the smell of rain.
22. a husband to be that works so hard and diligently to provide.
23. God's restoration of "all that the locusts have eaten".
24. neighbors to reach out to with the gospel of Jesus Christ.
25. prayer…my means of communing with God Almighty.
26. running water and electricity…luxuries to so many and yet may I not take them for granted.
27. books that help me to better understand parenting and relationships.
28. Bradley and Lainie and their investment in my future marriage.
29. Celina – a woman who reminds me to live with passion merely by her own example.
30. game time: Monopoly, Almighty Heroes, Twister, Connect 4…it is precious to spend that time laughing and enjoying my sweet family.
31. the ability to get good health and dental care for me and my family.
32. the ability to hear sweet music.
33. the ability to see all the wonders sight gives…nature, people, sunsets, the night sky, stars, the moon, spring flowers, and so much more.
34. the sound of my son's laughter, especially when I initiate it!
35. the examples of godliness shining through so many people that surround me.
36. the fact that my son's father is involved in his life.
37. the youth that give me hope for the next generation.
38. Walt, whose smile greets me weekly at the door of the church building and whose touch of hand or hug speaks the very godly love of Jesus Christ.
39. the ability to smile because God's joy resides deeper than any sorrow I may have.
40. the various toys that bless my son's playtime.

Leaving a Legacy

As I've endeavored to ACTUALLY read through the entire bible this year, I've been particularly jostled by Genesis and the recurring theme of how the course of history is altered by the life of ONE person. I'm seeing the threads of people (good or bad) and how the lineage streams from the blessing or curses bestowed upon their own lives. It has made me stop and think long and hard about the legacy I'm leaving behind and what my life will have meant when it's over (speaking in earthly terms of course)!

What impact for Christ will my life have made when either Jesus returns or I go home to meet Him? Perhaps a question I cannot fully answer in a short summary, but one I answer day by day by day! :)

His Precious Heart

January 22, 2008

By far, my son is the most precious gift I have on earth. He just recently turned five years old. And lately, God has opened my eyes to the sensitivity of his heart. Every word, every promise, every tone in my voice is run through that heart of his. I cannot begin to tell you how overwhelming that is to me as I seek to guide him, train him, and discipline him.

Tonight was prayer night at my apartment complex and so my son went to visit a friend. That meant he was up later than usual and when we got home he wanted to play a game. (In hindsight, I think I should have just put him to bed!) He's very, very competitive and doesn't like to play if he loses. We just got this Almighty Heroes game for Christmas and he likes it....as long as he wins. I'm trying to teach him that winning isn't everything. We need to do our best and just enjoy the time we have together doing fun things. So if he wins, I say, "Good game, that was fun, do you want to play again?" If I win, I say the same thing. But after several attempts through the last couple of days, my words seemed to make no lasting impact. My son is more of a show and tell kinda guy, so I needed to illustrate in a more real way to him the idea of good sportsmanship. So when I explained to him that cheating wasn't going to be tolerated and neither was a bad attitude (throwing a fit if somehow I was even one space ahead on the board...), I let him push the line one more time and I put the game away. My son refused to speak to me the rest of the night.

As I tried to talk to him about the incident, I tried to see if he understood what I did and why. It happened kinda fast and I don't like to let things lie if he doesn't understand what I did and why. No response told me he was either too mad, too tired, or too full of himself to try to tell me what was on his mind, so I explained why I did what I did again. Still closed off to me, he went to bed and still didn't speak but a final "I love you" in the midst of yawning and eyes half-closed and rolling into the back of his head!

Can I tell you that as sensitive as that little heart of his may be, sometimes I feel like I hit a stone wall instead. Perhaps I didn't use reality discipline quite the way I should have or perhaps there was something else I could have done, but I did want to show him what my words meant and I know the sentiment I'm trying to teach him is a good one...

Reasons for Getting Married

So today was our first session of premarital counseling with our minister. Next week we will be sharing our testimonies and going through a short list of questions. One of which details what we expect to gain from marriage? While at first, I thought I had no expectations, I realized that was not true. I think I just didn't want to think about them...in case they were somehow ungodly. But no matter what my thoughts or expectations were...I needed to begin sorting them out.

First, I believe marriage is God's blessing to mankind. In Genesis, the first time God said something was NOT good was in reference to Adam being alone. God was going to make him a suitable helper. God created marriage to meet specific needs in his creatures' lives. So here I am in one of those "no-duh" moments thinking about my expectations for marriage. Once I get beyond my superficiality, I find that I have two basic reasons for getting married.

1) I expect God to use marriage to shape me into the woman He wants me to be. I know the desire for my husband is a God-given thing. I know that He blessed me with Jonathan and with the hunger to mother many other children (whether it be of my own flesh or through fostering or adoption). Those desires point me back to relationship with Him and I expect that marriage will do the same thing. Every relationship, but especially this most intimate one, is a refining tool in God's hand. I expect this marriage to be used to sharpen my character, honing humility, patience, love, kindness, selflessness, and various other aspects, in order to make me more like Jesus.

2) I expect to be a helper. Despite our countless ups and downs and the number of times I've been desperate to flush this relationship, I have been inexplicably drawn back to this man. His unconditional love for me and for my son has been steadfast and consistent. And there may be things about him that I don't understand or don't like, but there is much to love and admire. I love his heart for people. I love his loyalty and devotion to his family. I love that he is an incredibly hard working man. He's romantic and funny. He loves God's church and serving. All of these things and more have created this desire in me to work alongside him. I want to be his helper. His big dream for life is have a family...to be a husband and father, and I expect marriage to draw me into that helper role so that he can be the best husband and father God designed him to be.

I think (and truly hope) that my expectations in the broad brush strokes will serve our marriage well. God knows my heart contains numerous personal expectations of myself and of my fiance that I will need to identify and sort out according to His word...but hey - that's what the counseling is for!! :)

And the Lord also knows that fear and insecurity still wrestle for control of my heart, especially concerning relationship and the impending marriage. So many details...it can be so overwhelming at times. But somehow, I am finding the most unusual reminders of how crucial it is to place my WHOLE trust...my WHOLE life...in Christ. Finding my peace and security in the One who truly takes care of me each and every day drives me forward. Learning how to let go of the control I falsely believe I have is hard, but there is no greater freedom and no greater joy than a life fully devoted to Christ. So I press on toward the goal!

Godly Counsel

The bible tells us there are times when we need to seek the counsel of those who have walked with the Lord longer than we have. I have struggled in my life with counsel. I have often disregarded what probably was very godly and wise counsel and there are times I took too seriously foolish counsel. There have also been times when I received in good and wise counsel. Yet, tonight I am reminded that there are no answers in men, only answers of the Lord (sometimes given through men who speak His word). So no matter what, it ALWAYS comes back to Jesus. It ALWAYS comes back to the basics of my relationship with Him.

That is how I know tonight I received godly and wise counsel because it brought me face to face with my Savior and no one else. My dear friends merely held my hand and walked me back to kneel at His feet. While I do not fully understand why God instituted relationships to work in the vast ways they do, I am grateful for fellow brothers and sisters in Christ that will bring me back to His feet, to His throne that I may cast my cares upon Him.

Thank you Lord for this couple. Thank you for the wisdom they imparted into my life from your word. Thank you that you spoke to me tonight. And reminded me of the simplicity of faith...the simplicity of choices...the simplicity of walking with you. I so complicate things in my life and I thank you that I am often reminded by dear friends about the basics. And getting back to the basics is godly counsel indeed!!

Shame

Those who belong to Jesus really have no reason to feel shame, so how is it that I find myself battling shame? I find it to be simply the cause of sin in my life. Gluttony has sucked the vitality out of my Christian walk. Lust, greed, idolatry, and probably a host of other sins that seem to go unconfessed or if confessed, somehow still unrepented of, at day's end. I marvel at how I could walk so boldly away from the intimacy of God. I hang my head at the realization that I no longer hear his voice aloud in my heart. For a hardened heart receives nothing. I am at a loss as to where I step from here. I hear the beckoning at least...a beckoning to humble myself and pray. I hear the beckoning to repent, but how? I have confessed, but how do I know the difference between confession and true repentance. I used to think I knew. But the evidence of my life shows conviction of sin, not the freedom of forgiveness. So here I am, bound by sin and unable to free myself and completely saddened by the prison bars!

How I long to hear those intimate whispers once again. How I long to be near those distant cries you send my direction. Dear Jesus please do not leave me in my sin. Please revive your spirit within me. Forgive me for squelching his work in my life, and for my unrepentant heart. Please cure my unbelief and draw me back to you. I miss you. I miss the intimacy and the whispers I used to hear from your lips. I miss the friendship and the companionship...the feel of arms that held me tight. Please restore me, Lord. I have nothing to offer but me...chained, messed up, filthy me. Would you have me? Would you take the life I've ruined and mold it for your own?