Sandusky: A Call for Parental Awareness

I have been more than horrified as I read the unfolding of the Penn State Sandusky Sex Abuse Scandal in the media headlines for the past couple of weeks. I know personally how awful, shameful and deep the wounds of childhood sexual abuse are. What compounds those wounds are nearby trusted adults who know and do nothing to stop it. To feel trapped and isolated in the most terrifying nightmare imaginable...my heart hurts all over again to read about these children who suffered at the hands of this trusted and idolized coach.

Aside from the headache, heartache and stomach pains, what could parents take away from this media drama playing out in front of us? AWARENESS. If nothing else, I hope parents realize that none of us wants to think that a great coach or a special teacher would ever dream of hurting our children. That friendly neighbor or older teen who seems to be doing so much to help our children....they couldn't...they wouldn't....or could they? The truth is...no one can really know the complete heart of another individual...no matter how well you know them. And abusers are a much higher percentage of our population than any of us care to admit.

The bottom line for parents is that our job...the very innate purpose in the title "parent"... is protector. God has given us children to protect them. We can't shield them from every hurt or sinful person in this world, but we can be reasonable and cautious parents who equip our children to live mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy lives. We can lay down the denial of "it won't happen to our family" and take up guard over our children. I learned a great deal from a mom-to-mom class about sexual predators. I instituted some guidelines for my own home based on what I learned:

1) We don't have "cute names" for body parts. Every body part goes by it's name - including sexual genitalia. I do my best to provide a home environment where all body parts are given the same respect in conversation. My son can tell me about his penis the same as he tells me about his knee. I do my best to let him know that there is no shame in what God has given him and although we have a reverence for sex, he needn't be shy about asking questions, making observations or otherwise understanding his own body in a healthy way.

2) Modesty and ownership of private parts was instilled at the earliest age possible. I stopped washing my son as soon as he could do it himself and I avoided touching him skin to skin in the bathing environment. So by 3 years old when he began to be aware of his own body, it was his to own, his to wash, and we talked openly about that. My goal was to help him be comfortable in his own skin and to know that modesty was okay. No one, no even me, had the right to demand to see or touch anything...his body was his body. Even healthy, playful physical interactions are limited to his direction. If I tickle his neck (he's very ticklish right around his collar bone), and he says stop, I immediately respect his wishes. Now that he's getting old enough to understand right and wrong, we are also having conversations about him being able to stand up for himself and say no, even to people in positions of authority or in situations when he's scared to say no.

3) Hygiene is open for discussion no matter how "embarrassing" something might be. Starting early, I hope, has given my son permission to talk about anything without being embarrassed by it. We talk about the fact that erections are normal and resolve themselves. We talk about the importance of washing our bodies and brushing our teeth. It's not over-emphasized, but stated from time to time so that my son knows he doesn't have to be embarrassed by things he doesn't understand and that he can ask questions and expect to be treated with respect in my giving him an answer.

4) Feelings - from an early age, we talked about feelings...sad, happy, excited, scared, embarrassed, etc. I think it's especially difficult for boys to identify emotions, so I wanted to make sure those words were in his vocabulary and that he knew he could be feel something without being told it wasn't appropriate. As a child and adolescent, I recall rather often being told how to feel about something. It is crucial for my son to be able to say he's scared without being made to feel guilty that somehow he shouldn't be scared of whatever it is. If he's scared, we talk about what he's thinking...why is he scared? I don't scoff or laugh or otherwise indicate whether he should or shouldn't be feeling that way. I don't want an abuser being able to manipulate fear because my son has been conditioned to think that he can't be scared when deep inside he really is afraid.

5) I ask questions. From time to time, I ask my son pointed, direct questions about whether or not he feels scared about someone in school or at church. I've had him answer yes a time or two. Thankfully it revolved around a student who decided it would be funny to turn the lights off in the bathroom and not something more sinister, but the point is - my son was okay to tell me that. I ask him if anyone has ever touched his private parts or asked him to touch theirs. Once I got a confession that someone flashed him their buttocks in the bathroom. It was boys horsing around in the bathroom, but again, my son knew it was okay to tell me that and we talked about how he responded, how he felt and if he could/should do anything different if something like that happened again. It was a good conversation about equipping him to deal with uncomfortable or unusual situations.

6) No sleep-overs. I've caught a lot of flack for this one. Most parents think this is going too far, but I honestly don't care what they think. I know that I can't - CAN'T - know any other person through and through to the point that I can guarantee they couldn't / wouldn't abuse my child. There are a few select people that babysit my son, but he won't be heading to a friend's house to stay the night. How many parents are regretting the fact that they let their children sleep over in the basement of Jerry Sandusky through the years? Did they ever think in a million years their child would be hurt? I'm sure they didn't. But now, looks like they were wrong. That isn't a risk I'm willing to take with the welfare and safety of my child. The benefits of sleep-overs in the social circles in no way outweighs the potential risk and harm that one mistake could have on my child. One person misjudged as a good and safe person and my child is scarred for life - for LIFE! No sleep-over experience is worth it. I think it's a fair limitation to potential abuse opportunities to avoid those over-night situations.

I can't protect my child from everything. But I have taken a philosophy of building as much trust as humanly possible between my child and me, equipping him to the best of my ability to face uncomfortable situations with confidence, and taking reasonable precautions about his whereabouts and what he does with whom. I think that is all any parent can do. I'd rather be painted as unreasonable for no sleep-overs and crazy for my caution than have to live with the pain of watching my child suffer the aftermath of sexual abuse that could have been prevented by my awareness or stopped sooner had my child been able to trust me enough with the information.

So rather than just decry the world an evil place and yet pretend that our kids won't be victims, I think it's the job of every parent to do what they can. Be cautious about your children's friends and do your best to investigate the relationships between him/her and the adults around them. Build the trust in your own relationship so that every child knows they can talk about uncomfortable and scary things with you - be the safe place your child can land. Instill modesty and reverence for their bodies and other's bodies and a confidence to say "no" even to authority figures when something "isn't right". I'm not advocating we all lock our kids up in bubbles, but let's not put our own heads in the sand either. Be proactive parents who take the job of protection seriously.

I have read most of this online book and although I season it's advice with a Christian worldview, it seems to be sound advice for the average parent!

http://keepyourchildsafe.org/aspwpadmin/stattrack/downloads/sexualabusepreventionREV.pdf

Veteran's Day: A Personal Reflection

Every fourth of July and Veteran's day is a sobering reminder of my time as a US Marine. Most of the people I know met me long after I left the Marines, so some do not even know that I was there. For many years, I felt that I hadn't really even earned the right to say I had been there, that I was a US Marine. I didn't even finish my school tour in 29 Palms due to a medical discharge. The only thing I felt I could say I had accomplished while "serving" was crossing the parade deck of Parris Island. THAT I was proud of. But the stage of life I was in during my time as a Marine was tainted with so much personal turmoil that it has been very hard to separate the honor and privilege it was to serve my country (even in peace time) from the heartache that I knew in day-to-day life and relationships.

It was not until about mid-way through basic training that I realized what I was even doing there. Chanting "kill, kill, kill" to the beat of boots marching in formation brought to mind the stark reality that this was real...I was training for war. I was training to defend my countrymen, defend our freedom, to kill if necessary any enemy - foreign or domestic - in order to protect America and what she stands for: Freedom. I was part of the continuation of generations of soldiers who would lay down their lives for this country. I remember the pride of learning all I could in how to be the best Marine I could be. The history, the physical discipline, weapon's training, tactics, equipment....As a woman, I knew that being a Marine would mean going above and beyond to prove myself in what had always been a man's world. Each week, each task learned, each accomplishment that brought me closer to the day I would graduate a member of the United States Marine Corps was exciting and heady in a way that only those who have gone there themselves would understand.

The first clash of my professional and personal lives came on the rifle range. A letter from my sister brought devasting news from home - news that required several women to hold me back from walking off the island and using my training to defend against a domestic enemy. It wasn't the only letter I received in my years as a Marine. It wasn't the only bad news. It wasn't the only heartbreak. And even though my time as a Marine was overshadowed so often by personal tragedy, I still carry with me the memories, the pride of a sharply pressed uniform, a ready weapon, and a head held high. I still have the heart of protection that aches for those who can't defend themselves against the enemy - be that enemy foreign or domestic. I might have traded in my M-16 for God's word, but I didn't trade in my discipline to make sure I maintain that "expert" level when using my weapon against those enemies wherever the front line be drawn.

I am a soldier. Training in the Marines prepared me to be part of God's Corps, even if it seemed to be spent discovering every flaw, every weakness and every failure within me. Just like in bootcamp, I had to learn to die to myself and live and train for someone else...for the good of the group. It taught me that doing that is hard work and takes a great deal of sacrifice. But it's worth it. The blood, sweat and tears are worth it. So while I can't say my time served looked anything like most veterans, I can say that I was there to fight for my country and to serve. In the end, God used my many failures to make me a better soldier...a better weapon in HIS hands instead of the hands of the US government. Learning that over the past couple of years, I can now hold my head high on days like Veteran's Day. Because I am still a soldier. My weapon is still ready, my training still ongoing, my delusion of peace time gone and a picture of the war at hand....I am His soldier.

So I do stand up, head held high in the confidence of who He made me to be and I give rightly due respect, my prayers and my support to every Veteran who is and has gone before me. For the lives who been lost to the ravages of war...for the men and women who have sacrificed to defend against all enemies - foreign or domestic....I salute you. May the courage of this generation and the generations to come not waiver. May we draw strength from the the Lord and from those who have gone before us. It is more than a cliche slogan or a nice bumper sticker to me, when I say this, I mean it with all my heart - God please bless America and it's people.

Semper Fidelis,
Shannon Wright

Life Today

Well, it's November! Cooler weather is settling in and I'm about 15 weeks along in this pregnancy. I have another appointment with my midwife tomorrow. I like the fact that this pregnancy has been so uneventful. My worst symptom was being horribly tired the first trimester. Even that has lessened almost back to normal and I have a pretty easy pregnancy on my hands!

This little baby hasn't even arrived on the scene and we have so many changes happening in our family. Shea and I have been very concerned about how the finances are going to work with a baby being added. In our current budget, there is no way to pay for daycare and no way for either of us not to work. It spelled a pretty bleak outlook until we made some significant changes. The first of which was selling our second vehicle. Shea graciously rode the bus for a while until a friend of ours offered to lend us their second car that wasn't being used. During the bus era, Jonathan suffered the most I think. It sucked the life out of what little family time we had with two working parents. Now that we're back to a better schedule, that stress is lessening and we're seeing improvement.

However, as I find us struggling to create a family friendly routine to follow each day - complete with quality/quantity time, chore completion, homework and all the rest - I realize how difficult it is to develop these good habits in a short period of time. Consistency has not historically been "my thing", but it's slowly getting better. This attempt at a routine is really pushing me in respect to consistency though. We sat down about a week ago and completed a family chore chart! My husband has been amazing in getting his done, and quite frankly he has the tightest schedule! I feel guilty and ashamed when I see how few of my own chores are being done according to this new schedule. But we keep pushing. Today is a new day and prayerfully by bedtime, I'll see my list's end!

Being that it's November, and such a wonderful time to think on all the many things we have to be thankful for, I can't help but realize how "easy" life is right now. We have some minor challenges that are continuing to mold our character in the likeness of our Savior, but overall, it's "peacetime" to a certain degree. Which, quite honestly makes me a little nervous. Peacetime in the spiritual sense rarely lasts long and usually heads us right into the next big challenge of life. So, it's a daily choice to keep my eyes on the here and now. To enjoy the Lord's embrace and lack of deep cutting on my soul for the moment! When the tomorrow comes that He resumes more arduous work on my "much in need of sanctification" heart...we'll..."cross that bridge when we come to it".

For now, I'm just working to adjust to the little challenges, praying for Grace to keep praying and studying His word as I should, invest in my family in the most meaningful way, and keep my eyes open for those opportunities to serve those around me. What a blessed life it is today!