It seems to me that it would benefit any reader to know a bit of history as to where I have journeyed before I attempt to articulate where I am. While this introduction is by no means an exhaustive inclusion of my first almost 30 years, I pray it will lend insight into the woman who writes what you will read in future posts.
Born to a dysfunctional family (who isn’t?), I learned to see the world through distorted lenses. My journey on this winding road called life is merely my journey to remove the distortion and see clearly the world around me and the God whom I serve. I enjoyed some normal things in childhood: pet hamsters, dogs and cats, siblings, great teachers, bike trails, pot sooey (mixture of dirt, grass and dandelions served in plastic tea cups to fellow youngsters), cuts and scrapes, crushes, friends, Christmas presents, birthday parties, new purses and special privileges for being the oldest child. But the younger years were also riddled with a great deal of pain: abandonment, abuse, molestation, parents who were drug and alcohol addicted, frequent moving, poverty, sexual exploitation and the overall effects of parents who just made a great deal of poor choices. I learned from an early age to see the world as a place of fear, chaos, and evil. No one could be trusted. And despite my strong desire to leave a mark on the world around me, I believed I would never amount to anything significant or of any worth.
Yet, before the foundations of the earth were laid, my days were planned, numbered and ordered for a purpose. God knew the plans He had for my life, plans not to harm me, but to prosper me and to give me a hope and a future. The winding road I walk is simply a step by step realization of God and the plan He has for me.
I cannot say that I “came to Christ” in some big revelation. I’ve come to see that my salvation was the product of a lengthy process. It began with just head knowledge. People who came into my life in the early years planted seeds of truth here and there: there is a God, He loves the world He created, we are all sinners (although I already believed that I was bad), He made provision for its salvation, and you need Him. Up until my high school graduation and entrance into the military, God remained fairly distant. Since all of my “personal” relationships were distant, I thought my relationship with God was “personal” enough. A turning point came in my early twenties when I awoke to a horrid and dark reflection in the mirror and hated who I had become. After reflecting on “happier times”, I decided to “fix” my life with organized religion – I would go to church.
Alas, that didn’t work well, and I ended up unmarried and pregnant at the age of 24. My son was really the push that drove me the remaining distance into the arms of Jesus Christ. In the face of innocence, I saw a responsibility that I had no capability to fulfill. It was my first of many glimpses into my human depravity and my first steps as a new Christ-follower.
In the years that have followed, I have continued to grow, albeit slowly, as a Christian. I still struggle with “fixing” my life, people-pleasing, ill-directed focus, pride, and a human inadequacy that makes me cringe. But I have seen Christ shine through with strength to persevere when I wanted to give up. I have seen Him create deep compassion for people in a heart that once hated much of this world. I have experienced the comfort of a Friend who never leaves despite my own many betrayals. I have been loved by a Father who provides richly for a child He adores.
There is so much I long to know about my Lord. My heart still carries burdens not meant to be carried. My life still contains much sin to be dealt with. Yet as each day passes, there is one unwavering truth to which I cling – the Grace of God that gives me strength, boldness, courage, love, joy, patience, and a sustaining will to live for Jesus Christ.
These are the pages of my journey…I invite you to join me as you walk your own path.
Born to a dysfunctional family (who isn’t?), I learned to see the world through distorted lenses. My journey on this winding road called life is merely my journey to remove the distortion and see clearly the world around me and the God whom I serve. I enjoyed some normal things in childhood: pet hamsters, dogs and cats, siblings, great teachers, bike trails, pot sooey (mixture of dirt, grass and dandelions served in plastic tea cups to fellow youngsters), cuts and scrapes, crushes, friends, Christmas presents, birthday parties, new purses and special privileges for being the oldest child. But the younger years were also riddled with a great deal of pain: abandonment, abuse, molestation, parents who were drug and alcohol addicted, frequent moving, poverty, sexual exploitation and the overall effects of parents who just made a great deal of poor choices. I learned from an early age to see the world as a place of fear, chaos, and evil. No one could be trusted. And despite my strong desire to leave a mark on the world around me, I believed I would never amount to anything significant or of any worth.
Yet, before the foundations of the earth were laid, my days were planned, numbered and ordered for a purpose. God knew the plans He had for my life, plans not to harm me, but to prosper me and to give me a hope and a future. The winding road I walk is simply a step by step realization of God and the plan He has for me.
I cannot say that I “came to Christ” in some big revelation. I’ve come to see that my salvation was the product of a lengthy process. It began with just head knowledge. People who came into my life in the early years planted seeds of truth here and there: there is a God, He loves the world He created, we are all sinners (although I already believed that I was bad), He made provision for its salvation, and you need Him. Up until my high school graduation and entrance into the military, God remained fairly distant. Since all of my “personal” relationships were distant, I thought my relationship with God was “personal” enough. A turning point came in my early twenties when I awoke to a horrid and dark reflection in the mirror and hated who I had become. After reflecting on “happier times”, I decided to “fix” my life with organized religion – I would go to church.
Alas, that didn’t work well, and I ended up unmarried and pregnant at the age of 24. My son was really the push that drove me the remaining distance into the arms of Jesus Christ. In the face of innocence, I saw a responsibility that I had no capability to fulfill. It was my first of many glimpses into my human depravity and my first steps as a new Christ-follower.
In the years that have followed, I have continued to grow, albeit slowly, as a Christian. I still struggle with “fixing” my life, people-pleasing, ill-directed focus, pride, and a human inadequacy that makes me cringe. But I have seen Christ shine through with strength to persevere when I wanted to give up. I have seen Him create deep compassion for people in a heart that once hated much of this world. I have experienced the comfort of a Friend who never leaves despite my own many betrayals. I have been loved by a Father who provides richly for a child He adores.
There is so much I long to know about my Lord. My heart still carries burdens not meant to be carried. My life still contains much sin to be dealt with. Yet as each day passes, there is one unwavering truth to which I cling – the Grace of God that gives me strength, boldness, courage, love, joy, patience, and a sustaining will to live for Jesus Christ.
These are the pages of my journey…I invite you to join me as you walk your own path.
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