Reality Sets In

I feel like I'm losing my mind...

One minute I can hold it together and the world seems almost normal...the next minute I break down in gut-wrenching sobs. The pain runs so deep that every time I try to plug the wound, it feels like I'm trying to put a band aid over a sucking chest wound. I hate this. I hate this whole process. I hate the back and forth swing of my emotions and that I don't know what to think. I hate that I can't stop crying long enough to hear what God wants to say to my heart.

Sometimes little things like "my grace is sufficient" seep through. Sometimes "keep pressing on toward the goal"...sometimes "be still and know that I am God"...sometimes "weeping is but for a night and rejoicing comes in the morning"...sometimes "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit". I guess they are not "little" things, but "big" things. I serve a Big and Mighty God. I have a Mighty God Who Saves!! But see...saying it, thinking it and truly believing it are way different things.

See...I can say of a chair...this is sturdy oak...fine craftsmanship...perfect detail....solidly built....will last a long time. But if I don't sit in the chair, my "faith" in the details seems rather meaningless. At this moment in my life...I have to sit in the chair of real Christianity. I have to ACTIVELY trust my Father in Heaven for my whole world...my life...the very air I breathe...for the strength to even get out of bed in the morning....to smile when my insides are dying.

It seems I have this love/hate relationship with the valley. I want to be like Paul who says "count it all joy", and one minute I seem to be capable of doing that, and the next I can't. One minute I'm trudging through the darkness with confidence and the next I'm cowering in the corner struck with paralyzing fear.

I guess this is where the "rubber meets the road" so to speak. I guess this is where true faith shines and the fake stuff gets burned away. I know being sharpened hurts. I know being sharpened is worth it. But I'm - if I may be so blunt in saying so - struggling with the flesh that says, "Isn't there some other way?"

Like Jesus in the garden....if it were possible, let this cup pass from me! I'm certainly not Jesus, but I wonder if He felt things that I am feeling. Did he feel abandoned? Did he feel fearful? Uncertain? Angry? Hurt? I guess since the bible commands "do not fear" and Jesus is without sin, He probably trusted His father and didn't fear. That must be my flesh alone. I don't know. I guess this whole blog I'm thinking "out loud"...it's what I do. Reality has set in and it's time to be real. Where is my real, genuine faith in my God? Do I really trust Him? Do I have any other choice but to trust Him?

Restoring Joy by Grace

My blog is for the purpose of sharing my heart with those that care to read the blog. But in many ways, I also find healing in expressing myself through writing. It’s like personal therapy. I’ve been struggling so much lately. I feel beat down and weary from life’s trials. Seems not long ago, I was almost sullen over having no “big trials” in my life that were driving me hard after the heart of God. Wow! I guess I should be careful what I ask for! But in truth, my spirit is excited about the hardships I’m experiencing right now. Sure, that may not make much sense to most people, but the sufferings I experience in life are designed to sharpen me and make me more like Jesus. To bring about in me the changes God desires…the transformation into the identity Christ gave me in His death, burial and resurrection.

So here I am in bittersweet territory. There are so many lessons to learn that it seems difficult to wrap my mind around all of them. One lesson is most assuredly regarding grace. One of my most favorite bible verses is “Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.” Psalm 51:12. I have been coming back to that verse quite a bit lately. The first part of that verse speaks to my heart on the matter of grace. David’s plea to the Lord to restore to him the joy of His salvation is about bringing him back to the place where he understood God’s grace. There is such joy found in the freedom of God’s grace. Grace isn’t a fuzzy feeling or warm invitation. It is the exchange of blood to pay for the debt of sinners…sinners like David…sinners like me. It is this verse that often brings me back to the foot of the cross. It makes me so humble to look up and know that my sin caused my Savior…my perfect Savior…such horror, anguish and agony. To know that He experienced all of the Father’s wrath on my behalf…for every sin I have ever committed or will commit…to know that He, who knew no sin, became sin, so that I could be positionally righteous before my Heavenly Father…that is humility. That is grace. The freedom of that love, that God poured out for me is where we come to a place of joy over our salvation.

But why the word “restore”? Because we still fight against the flesh. David, who God said was a man after His own heart, was a sinner who committed murder, lied, stole, and carried on in adultery until he repented. After we experience salvation, we begin to walk with the Lord. And likening it to other relationships, the “newness” wears off for us. We do not always choose the righteousness afforded to us in Christ through our salvation. And thus we stray. When we realize our walk is out of alignment, it is a cry of our hearts like David’s that sets us back on track: “Restore to me the joy of your salvation”. That cry says to our Lord…bring me back to that place of humility…bring me back to the newness of what it means to have received Your grace….bring me back to the place where I know the depth of my depravity and how hopeless I am to do this life on my own…bring me back to the place of complete dependence upon You, Lord!

This is one of the ways in which the Lord has been speaking to my own heart. Pride is such a wickedly deceptive thing in the life of every believer. So few of us every realize the depth of our own pride. I know that I personally recognize it very little. Thank the Lord for opening my eyes to it. To know that I’ve become self-dependent, self-focused, self-centered, and selfish is a horror in light of the cross. It’s all pride. Not wanting to be wrong, fear of rejection, high expectations of others, wanting to do things in my own time and my own way, and a host of other things are all revelations of my sin: pride. My sin kills fellowship with my Lord and it keeps from experiencing the joys of the freedom I have been given through grace.

What an incredible God we serve though! Because like David, I can make the cry of my heart, "Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me". I am constantly brought back to a sense of awe before Him. I just can’t possibly fathom Him as a whole…I can barely fathom Him in tiny parts! But just this part of grace...wow...there is restoring of joy when we understand what salvation from sin really is. I take on faith that the Lord is who He says He is, has done what He says He has done, and that I can count on all of His promises! Through faith, I have everything I could ever need or want! Praise the Lord for His grace!!!

Me and My Heavenly Daddy

How I love the Lord and His Word! I have begun to realize lately that I have been operating a pretty high stress level. To even begin sorting through all the reasons why in itself is a task that overwhelms and dismays me further. But I have been trying to find a way to bring that stress level down. Slight depression and extreme irritability are not my friends! So while I sat at the table this morning, I cried out to the Lord with the anguish of heavy weights on my shoulders. And isn't just like my tender and personal Father to faithfully answer with just what I need? Oh indeed it is.

The living and breathing Word lept from the pages of my bible and brought a peace in the midst of the chaos that has been reigning lately. He knew exactly what to say and how to guide me. He knew exactly how to comfort me. How I love Him for being that way! How I love Him for being so personal...so tender...so infinite, yet right there in that moment with me...so kind and gentle.

What an incredible God I have! And I'm very much looking forward to tonight when I get to spend some more quality time with Him. My husband has a guy's night out, my brother is going with him and my son is off to grandma's! I'll be visiting a friend and then home to sit in the quiet of the evening...just me and My Heavenly Daddy! I can hardly wait!

Joy

I have been pondering the work of the Holy Spirit in my life lately and what that looks like and doesn't look like. In the area of joy (a fruit of the spirit), I see a lack thereof that makes me sad and I pause to wonder why. How would it affect my marriage if I began to experience the joy of the Holy Spirit instead of the sorrows of two sinners residing in the same house? What would my parenting look like if I experienced joy more than I experienced anxiety over a future I cannot determine? What would my job look like if I set aside discontentment and took up joy instead? And ultimately, what would my relationship with Jesus look like if I focused on the first part of the verse that has come to mean so much to me: "Restore to me the JOY of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me"? So I begin with Lamentations 3:40 "Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." I am asking the Lord to reveal to me in the light of His Word, what it is that keeps me from experiencing the work of the Holy Spirit on a deeper level...why am I not experiencing more joy, when all reasoning says I should be the most joyful person around with all that Jesus has done and has promised to do?

Perhaps some of it resides in the sin of pride. Sin steals away the fruit of the Spirit. Galatians 5:16 says "So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature." My sinful nature is prideful. I have a tendency to focus on myself, how I see situations and people, and my own will. However, when I live by the Spirit, I do not gratify those desires. I crucify the desire to have my own way, to condemn or criticise people around me, and to worry about a future I can't control. The Holy Spirit brings to my mind edifying truth about who God is, the life He purchased (mine) through Jesus Christ, and how much He adores me. I can, through His work, see people through God's eyes: they are his creations, molded and crafted by His hands, absolutely wonderfully and fearfully made for a perfect purpose in God's eternal plan. The Holy Spirit gives me kindness and gentleness with those around me. He enables me to be generous with not just resources, but with my praise and admiration for others. He gives me a peace that surpasses all understanding so I do not have to worry about what the future holds for my son or our family. When I am plugged in to the power of the Holy Spirit, life, my attitudes, my perspective, my desires all change. I can see my whole being transforming into the likeness of Christ. It is an amazing work.

Some of the barrier to joy comes from discontentment. What is His (the Holy Spirit's) work there? Gratitude! When we have thankful hearts for the riches Jesus Christ has given us, joy is a very natural and evident byproduct of His work in us. Discontentment robs me of the joy found in what I already have. I have a job that is paying our debts. I have opportunity to minister to so many people through my place of employment just by the way I work and live and interact. I have a home that is safe and filled with numerous luxuries. I can remember a time when I didn't have a safe roof over my head. I remember waking up to soaked bedding because the roof of our camper had leaked again. There was no way to get dry bedding. There was no heat to take away the chill of the evening. I remember showering outside regardless of the weather and having to be careful how much of the 2 gallons of water in the camping shower bag I used at once. I remember not always being able to shower because it might have snowed for the past several days. I remember not always having clean clothing to wear or the ability to wash clothes when we needed to. I remember the long treks down the gravel driveway to fill our water containers so we had water to drink, bath, and wash dishes in. I remember not eating ice cream because we kept our food cold in coolers with ice blocks and it wasn't cold enough to keep freezer items in. No oven for baking and the only light after dark being a lantern. So how can I not be grateful for the running water, the washer and dryer, the clothes in our closet, the furniture we have to sit and sleep on, the roof that doesn't leak, the heating and air conditioning that stabilizes the different temperatures, and the vast array of entertainment contained within my home?

If I get drawn into person to person comparison, I can find a deep pool of discontentment and desire. But if I allow the words of God to fill my heart, then I find peace and joy in today. "When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made one as well as the other..." Ecc 7:14, "....whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Phil 4:8, "God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Phil 4:19, "I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me." Psalm 13:6, "But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the Lord." Jonah 2:9, "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in You." - Isaiah 26:3. The list is truly endless, but I guess I'll stop there. The point being that His word lifts my eyes to the hills from whence my help comes from - even when the help I need is simply an attitude/perspective adjustment.

So as I've pondered why my life and outlook seem to be more serious than joyful, I have seen that at least two things are stealing my joy: pride and discontentment. What a treasured intimacy that can be had when I get closer to my Creator by sharing my Father's view and my Father's will! How much sin could I avoid with just a changed perspective? The work of the Counselor brings me in line with the will of Him who created me. And by identifying with the sufferings of Christ, whose flesh was crucified, I know that I can too crucify my flesh and kill the sinful desires that keep me from experiencing the joy that is mine to have. So I venture today to focus on God's perspective to view the people and situations around me. Through His work, I can stop being selfish and self-centered. Through His eyes, I can see (and be most grateful for) the abundant blessings of an abundant life purchased for me on the cross at Calvary.

Talk about the means by which to experience joy!