It feels like a lifetime has passed since I was last able to sit down and write my heart. Rather than write some lesson learned, I wanted to put down my aching prayer. It is a lesson I certainly NEED to learn, prayerfully AM learning, but no, admittedly NOT YET learned.
Lord, I need you to rescue me. Someone on the radio sings those words and the song plays over in my head. I really and truly need you to rescue me. Whenever my faith gets super, duper weak, my thinking is all muddled and my fleshly heart starts to run the show - tossing me this way and that with every whim of emotion. I am in such rebellion Lord. So many un-repented of sins. My heart is so hard and I can feel it. I know it. Stubbornness that almost dares you to discipline me. Beneath it, I'm waiting for you to stop loving me, I guess. Like I somehow earned your love before now with my "good behavior". HA! Intellectually, I know that to be a big fat falsehood...but deep down...where no one sees but you...there is a part of me still unconvinced you really love me...just because.
Why does it keep coming back to that? I know it isn't true...but somehow this is where we end up. Me in utter disobedience, daring you to walk away like everyone else in my life. Trying to show you what a waste of goodness you would spend on me. Then there is my propensity to wallow in analytical stagnation over every problem that comes my way. It seems I never get past the analysis to a solution for whatever the ailment. Fear, laziness...? I am unsure of exactly what plagues me each time, but whatever the issue...I run in unproductive circles.
So here I am Lord. YOUR beautiful mess. Give me eyes to see how you see. A heart that thinks and wants what you think and want. Make me over, make me new...another song running in my head. Whatever you do Lord, please, once again, I beg you not to give up on me...to help me become all that you've dreamed for your little girl. Grow me up into the likeness of your Son and please...please don't leave me to my own devices...we've both seen how tragic those can be.
I love you Lord. My Alpha, Omega, beginning and end...I sure could use a word so you can be my "middle" too! ;) My Savior and Friend...my Provider and Counselor. And my sweet Heavenly Father.
Thank you for claiming me...please help me stop running away.