I have had my faith shaken a time or two and in some serious ways...ways in which it could have been the end of being a Christian. Yet, somehow, the Lord managed to lead me away from the edge of the cliff before the plunge and my faith was stronger than ever.
I feel like I am on that edge again.
Peering down, I see the hopelessness of circumstances beyond my control to change. I see no path to the places for which God has put such strong desires in my heart. It feels like I'm stuck and to boot, I'm wallowing in sin. Somehow my desire to not sin seems to wane with every passing day. Every failure compounds the guilt and makes it heavier. Every day that passes without so much as one seemingly small success in the areas I continue to struggle just keeps reinforcing this notion that "there just isn't any point to this". Sure, I tell myself all the pretty bible verses that used to give me hope and inspiration, but what was once life-giving seems to heap hot coals of condemnation on my already heavy-laden head. What once held such optimism for a "new day" now wakes me up with a deep, gnawing sense of pessimism.
What does one do at this point? Do I jump off the edge, leaving behind all that has held me safe and secure? Do I give up all that has brought peace and sense to life? When faith stops working, should that faith be discarded - even with no alternative in sight?
The answer is a resounding NO.
I may not know where I'm going anymore or how I'll get there. I may not see hope in the midst of these circumstances. I may feel lost and abandoned by the One who promised He would never leave nor forsake me. It may even be that I no longer see a resemblance between me and what I thought a Christian should at least sort of look like. But the very definition of faith rests not in what I feel, what I know, or what I can see. It rests in Him. It is choosing to live as though the bible were true, regardless of circumstances, emotions or cultural trends. Even if all I have left is barely the will to choose it.
I don't know how to get myself off the cliff. So rather than try to rescue myself from yet another awful blunder, I will simply wait to be rescued. I don't know how to "seek Him" right now. I don't know how to "give my heart" over to Him right now. I don't even think I know where to start when it comes to repenting right now. The pit is just too deep.
So Lord, although the list seems endless for the ways in which I have rebelled and tried to do life on my own in my own way, I've realized - YET AGAIN - that that doesn't work and I have fallen pretty badly. All I have done is sin against you day in and day out. I got prideful in my moments of "spirituality" and took credit for righteousness not my own, only to end up here. In a place of despair with a horrible record player of condemnation playing in my head every minute of every day. My thoughts are so awful and somehow my faith has been shaken to the very core. I've lost sight of you Beloved. I don't know how to find my way back to you. Please rescue me. Please come find me on my cliff of insanity and walk me down. Walk me back to the place where order still exists, where hope abounds and love heals. The place where I belong - with You. I'm waiting Lord. I'm waiting right here for you to rescue me.